I finally arrive at the 500th time I have published an entry here in this silly thing called a blog. I have been thinking about this entry for awhile now. I want it to be different from the other 499 entries. I have no idea how this entry will look like. There is a good possibility that some of what is written here will have been covered somewhere in the previous entries. Let's see how it goes.
The first entry I published in this blog took place on October 6, 2010. Doesn't seem that long ago but it has been about eleven and a half years running. I have not published consistently. I wrote when I felt like writing, not to meet a schedule.
Entry number 001 was titled "GOLDEN YEARS". It had nothing to do with the David Bowie song but may have been inspired by it. I may have been listening to Bowie as I started writing it. In short, it had to do with getting old. My premise was we are always aging until the moment we die. Those golden years don't happen until we reach our ultimate age, right before we die. The golden years we all try to get to only last a split second between life and death. Sounds silly now, but I think perhaps I was trying to come off as a deep thinker and philosopher than just being who I really am.
A few statistics on this tome of mindless thoughts from a "boy" in Missouri:
At the time I am writing, this blog has been looked at, if not read, 86,600 times. That is an average of 173.5 times for each of the 499 entries.
It has been read in over 18 countries. Only 55% of the views have been from the United States. Countries that are represented in the viewing audience include Russia, France, Germany, Ukraine, Sweden, Canada, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom, Poland, Japan, India, China, Netherlands Brazil, Romania, Latvia and Czechia.
The most read entry, and this really surprised me, was the relating of a story that my grandfather use to tell me about an Indian in the Ozarks named Falling Rock. Other popular entries include ones about my fear of tornadoes, about two young ladies named Rachel and Alesia and, of course, about Barbara.
These statistics are far larger than I ever expected to attain. It is still a small blog in the world of the internet but it is out there. Not all of the 499 previous entries were original writings. In the early days I did quote Mr. Carlin and some of my favorite songs as well as a quote or two from President Nixon. The clear majority of entries though are original.
I have written about people in my life. I have written about events that I experienced as I went down this path. I have also written my thoughts on things that were going on around me.
I wrote about the summer of 2018. It was the hardest six month period in my entire life. It was a time when I lost Barbara, my father, a long time neighbor and good friend, his daughter, and an uncle. The years immediately before 2018 had their fill of loss as well. In 2016 I lost my eldest sister and in 2017 I lost a long time friend that I met when I started working at Dit-MCO. After 2018 I have lost two uncles and four aunts as well as a four coworkers at Dit-MCO who I adored. One of the most striking posts on Facebook over this past year was put there by my Uncle Jim. He is the youngest of 5 siblings and after losing his brother (my dad) in 2018, his sister (my Aunt Norva) in 2019 and then finally losing two sisters within the last year (my Aunt Fay and my Aunt Velma) he put up a picture of himself with his brother and three sisters and a one sentence emotion. "Now all my siblings are in Heaven." He had lost his family in the space of only a few short years. I love my Uncle Jim and I know that his faith helps to carry him onward through his life.
I have spent my life observing and listening while occasionally making my maturing thoughts known out loud. I like to think I was open minded about other ideas and I think I was. I learned this from my grandfather. It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to change your mind. This is called maturing, growing ... learning. It is also okay to affirm your thinking and to believe you are correct and not agree with with what others may think. To be able to stand for what you believe in is very important as part of our growth and maturity. The important thing is to agree or disagree while being respectful to those who you are speaking with. There does not seem to be much respect being shown in the world these days. Disgust and hate have replaced the idea of respect. What has replaced the importance of respect is the silencing of ideas, not only by individuals but also by corporate entities. Sorry, I got off track for a bit. What I was going to say is that these writings that are taken from my observations and some things I have heard and experienced are to show what I have learned from them through my 65 years on this planet. Not all of it is pretty, but all of it is human. None of us are perfect. None of us are totally right in our thinking. What we all are though is human. As we go about our day to day lives and interactions, I believe this is an important thing to remember.
"I don't think I'm racist." I spoke these words to my grandfather on an afternoon visit after work one summer day. His response was short and to the point, "Everyone's a racist .... everyone." As he said these words he did not exhibit any of his ordinary mannerisms that he commonly used when making a point. There was no leaning forward at me. He didn't point his pipe and stub finger at me. There wasn't a small "hr-mph". He did not even look at me when making the statement. He just looked straight ahead speaking steady and matter of factly. There was no follow up, just silence as we both seemed to let his words sink in. I have only seen him respond to me in this manner one other time. It was a personal time when we were alone in the dining room of the old house. This manner of responding was rare for the old man and reserved for situations that seemed to be very important and personal to him. The conversation did not go much further than that on that afternoon. He changed the topic shortly thereafter, his point being voiced and made.
I thought about that short conversation several time over the course of my life. I still think of that afternoon even today, especially with society being in the state that it is in. This is my theory on what my grandfather's thinking was. Knowing my grandfather and his stories of life along with little hints that I observed of him over the remaining years of his life, I think it is pretty close to what he was telling me. "Everyone is racist.... everyone." My grandfather lived a life that he thought was proper. No, he was not perfect. He had plenty of flaws but when his flaws came out, as flaws always do, he did his best to make it right. Grandpa wouldn't give this explanation in these words, they are my own, but I think the general idea is there. The human species is a tribal species. This is not unusual in nature, many are tribal, some more than others. The thing about the human species is that although we are tribal that vast majority of humans try to not let that tribalism rule our behavior. Even men like my grandfather, who are seen by those he encountered as being fair and treating everyone the same, deep down have this tribal sense of belonging.
"I don't think I'm racist." One day in gym class at Ruskin High School we were playing volleyball. It was a time when the Ruskin community was becoming more diverse as we were seeing the number of black kids increase every year. Personally, this did not bother me. I didn't see it bother any of my classmates that I could tell. To be honest, it seemed to bother the parents more then us kids. I had already reached my six foot frame when I was a junior, so I was fairly tall. During this game that day I had the opportunity to lay down a wicked spike on my opponent across the net from me. "Yeah boy!!" I exclaimed with a fist pump. Then I looked my classmate who I had just spiked the ball on. "Boy, huh.." The black face looking at me looked both angry and hurt. I did not say those words intending to hurt. It was part of my vocabulary. I did not even realize that he was of a different race. The words just came out and it hurt and angered him. I did not respond. I kept silent. I should have apologized. The incident did not progress into anything but to this day I can see his face, I can hear my words. I should have been more careful, more aware and more sensitive. I understand that now. Since that day I have taken care in my words as much as I can. I keep that moment in my memory as a reminder to do so.
So this is what I got from my grandfather on that day. We all think others are different. We all think we are pretty good people and "our" people are pretty good people for the most part. Every race has great people. A lot of great people. Every race also has very wicked people. Not as many as good people but still the wicked ones are out there. Each one of us understand people of our own race better then we understand people of other races and, of course, each race considers it the better. All of us have to train our minds to take on an outlook of keeping that behavior under control or better yet, completely hidden and not even thought about. That tribal instinct should not even be known to ourselves. Its should be so small in our minds that we don't realize it is there. Still we have that basic tribalism that stays with us. It stays with all of us. "Everyone". Some are better at this than others. My grandfather was a master at it. I am not so good at hiding it as he was. We all need to try though because in order for this country, this world to survive, we have to. As for me, I continue to work at it. I try to see people by what I observe how they live and what they say. I have a long ways to go.
It took me over three years since we lost Barbara, but I have manage to take another step in moving forward in life. I won't try to trick you, moving forward has been a very difficult thing to do. This spring with help from Brett, I began to make this house look more like "Bill" instead of "Bill and Barb". I got my mind ready to let go of a lot of Barbara in the house. Mainly her clothes, books and, to be quite frank, junk that she liked to have around. By this I mean that stuff that didn't bring on strong memories of Barb or our life together, but just stuff that she liked to keep. The house looks different now. There is still a lot of Barb there, but I tried to transform into a house that reflects me. Made it more comfortable for me. I am happy with the result. Her wedding dress still hangs in the closet and the shoes she wore on November 21, 1975. Her chair that she sat in during the last years of her life sits with the crocheted throw that the nurses laid over her after she died. It was difficult for me to do and I know I should have taken this step a couple of years ago. It is healthy for me emotionally as well as physically I guess. I still love her. I always will. At the same time I need to keep moving forward in life as difficult as that may be. I'm getting there with the help of a few special friends, one in particular. Thank you Lisa for your advice and help.
Barbara's Chair
All of my regular readers know of my love of music, literature and baseball. What I haven't touched on very much, if at all, is my love for movies. To start with I have a lot of favorite male actors but there is one female actress that rises above all others. Sandra Bullock. It has become kind of a running joke among my family and friends but I do like her. She is very good in my mind. Comedies, dramas, sci-fi, she can do anything. By my calculations she has been cheated out of some 25 Oscars ... just my opinion.
Seriously, movies have had a big influence on me by the messages they try to get across. Not all movies are made for a message, most are for pure entertainment value but there are a few that have a statement to make. I don't agree with all the messages put out there but I think it is a good thing if a movie makes you think after you have seen it.
I think instead of getting onto all of the messages, I am going to list some of my favorite moves that reach for more than simple entertainment value. These are not in any particular order as to how I favor them, just a little insight into my thinking. Let you get to know me a little better.
"One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" "Fargo" "Dr. Strangelove" "Being There" "Catch 22" "Grand Torino" "Miller's Crossing" "Network" "Patton" "Wall Street" "Girl Interrupted" "28 Days" "Lincoln" "The Man With The Golden Arm" "All The President's Men" "The Sunset Limited" "To Kill A Mockingbird" "The Mouse That Roared" "Lilies Of The Field" "Shawshank Redemption" "Waking Up" "Cat On A Hot Tin Roof" "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" "Dog Day Afternoon" "Forrest Gump" "Up" "Conspiracy" "The Blind Side" "Philadelphia" "A Time To Kill" and many more if I took time to really think about it. These movies, though, come immediately to my mind so they are more than likely to be the ones I go to.
Over these 500 entries, I have tried to address things that I have learned during my 65 years. I told them in song lyrics, the modern day philosophers as I refer to the songwriters as. There is another subset of philosophers and I have quoted them a lot as well. Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor told their philosophies by making observations of life and relaying these observations honestly but with exaggerations to show how ridiculous some human behaviors are. If you listen to them, they will make you laugh, but if you listen to the sub logic under the exaggerations, you find the truth they are trying to bring out.
I also told of my observations through stories that, for the most part, are true and are a part of my life. Some involved teachers and others came from a few interactions with authority. A lot of the lessons I learned came from those who I looked up to with upmost respect. Family members and those outside the family. Teachers and clergy. Neighbors and classmates. I have been extremely lucky in life and the people who have been a part of my life.
Observing and listening are perhaps two of the most important tools we have as we proceed through life. Care must be taken though because observing or listening to the wrong ideas and actions can do more damage than good. I was lucky and I made some mistakes. I have made some big mistakes in life.
Hopefully, this blog of stories and ideas, good things and not so good things, can make even a small impact on anyone who stumbles across this collection of entries long after I am gone.
Thanks for reading my dear friends. A lot has been left untold, but I plan on working at getting those things told in the future.
