Yesterday was a good day for thinking. I got a good nights sleep and woke up somewhat refreshed. The sun was shining and although the air was cool the sunshine made it warm on my inside. A blue sky after a Saturday of gray clouds and drizzle seemed to clear the mind for a fresh start to a new day.
What has become a weekly ritual for me over the last year or more was enjoyable. Meeting Lisa for breakfast at Crackerbarrel was enjoyable. The order was brought to our table as ordered. As we do every Sunday morning we talked about what happened over the previous week and what we were anticipating would happen in the coming week.
After finishing breakfast we headed over to the church for Sunday morning services. The pastor at this little church is not a great orator but he is a good preacher and pastor. His sermons do get to the point he is trying to convey but it is a process in getting there. On this Sunday morning my breakfast, the fresh air outside and the slowness of the sermon had the effect of making me drowsy. Lisa nudge me a couple of times to keep me alert and I managed to be awake when services were over. We then parted our ways as each of us went to our homes to finish this beautiful day that we were blessed with.
Returning home I sat down to watch Mizzou take on South Carolina in baseball to be followed by watching the Mizzou softball team play LSU. Both games were disastrous if you were pulling for Mizzou. Total destruction in both games, but it was relaxing to sit there and enjoy what we were denied having last spring because of Covid-19.
It was a quiet day in the neighborhood. The gorgeous day had brought the kids on the block outside to play and their laughter was as lovely as the day was. I had the house opened up. The front door was open and windows were letting the slight breeze make it's way around the house as the temperatures warmed up into the 70's.
It was the perfect combination for my thoughts to be allowed to wander from the disasters unfolding on the TV from each of the Columbia's in the SEC. As often happens when my mind wanders, it took me back to that week in July of 2018 as I sat and watched the life slowly slip from my wife's body.
My mind went to the Saturday evening before Barbara would slip away. The night shift of nurses were coming onto the floor and our nurse was a different one for the weekend than the one who had spent most evenings with us. These nurses are special in the cardiac ICU. It takes a special person to do this job. She came in to talk to me after the day shift nurse had gone home. The way I saw it was that she was trying to open a line of communication between me and her as Barbara's condition had been continuously declining. We both knew that anything left to try to help Barbara were becoming scarce.
During this talk it came up that Barb and I had been married for 42 years. She sincerely asked me what the secret was to being married that long of a time since it seems that few marriages last that long these days. I remember thinking to myself that I don't know. I hadn't given it much thought. I sat quietly thinking about it while the nurse waited patiently for what I would say.
I finally told her it takes a lot of work. It isn't easy for sure. You have to let your love for each other get you through the tough times to get back to better times again. Life in and of itself is a roller coaster ride and marriage is the same way. There are ups and downs all along the way and it takes two to work through that roller coaster to get to the end of the ride. That was the short version of the answer I gave her but yesterday I delved into that question a little deeper.
The answer I gave the nurse that evening was correct but then the question comes to my mind how do you do that? How do the two of you work through the ups and downs over a long period of time.
Realize that nobody is perfect. We are all human and mistakes will be made. Sometimes little mistakes that are easily dismissed are created but sometimes serious mistakes are made. It is not easy but realizing that the wrong that was done was done by a flawed human. Working through those mistakes are not easy but in the long run those major mistakes can strengthen the relationship. I know I made some major mistakes in my time with Barbara. I know that I hurt her. I also know that somehow she managed to work past those mistakes and continued on with me. I think that too often we tend to expect perfection from our partners in life when that is an impossible achievement. Be willing to except the mistakes, whether they are brought out in the open or not, whether an apology has been made or not. Forgive anyway and trust that a lesson has been learned by both parties and continue from there working to fix that mistake and increase the closeness and love that is there.
Respect each other. Respect is important. I had a lot of respect for Barbara even though I did not show or express that to her. I felt like she had respect for me as well. If that respect is there it serves as a foundation for accepting the mistakes that are made as the road of life is continued to be traveled down together.
Keep communication open and dynamic. By this I do not mean to sit and let words be said and hear them but rather to truly try to understand what is being said. Barbara was much better at this than I am. A common mutual understanding is critical to true communication. Too many times words expressed by one person are floated in and out of the other's head and dismissed. Too many times that this happens, it is important words expressing something that is critical to the one speaking. This kind of listening is hard at times but when you succeed in this deep listening it seems to pay off hugely in the relationship.
I do know this. Barbara and I both made lots of mistakes over those 42 years together. During the last 15 or 20 years of our life together, however, I felt like we could not get any closer or deeper in love than we were on that particular day only to wake up the next morning and find that on this new day we somehow were closer and deeper in love than the day before. Our life together continued that pattern all along the road together that came to an end, on this earth anyway, on that hot July morning in 2018.
I find that our love is for each other still exists and grows in a way since July 18, 2018. I feel it each time I visit her resting place. I feel it in the quiet nights spent alone with Dutch as his only companionship in his eyes.
There is more to it than those few thoughts I know. Being best friends to each other is vital. Being sensitive to each other's feelings is a given. Neither of us were very good at following these thoughts I came up with, but we were just good enough at them to keep us together. She better at it than I.
No, it wasn't easy. It was hard work. In spite of all the mistakes that were made during those 42 years, it was so worth the work expended.
I am sorry for all that I put you through Barbara. I miss you Barbara.
