A LOVE STORY - "Beginnings"

Barbara Ann Kissinger was her name.  I do not remember the first time I met her.  She first appeared in my life as the sister in law of the church's new Music Director.  When she came into my circle of friends I was dating Debbie and I do believe I was in love at that point in my life.  Debbie and I had been together for a year or so though now it feels like we had been together much longer.  Later in life Barbara would tell me that when her friends from school were telling her about the other youth at her new church they would single me and Debbie out and tell her "That's Bill and Debbie ... they're inseparable".  Debbie and I weren't inseparable though.  Just a few months after Barbara was told that as a fact,  Debbie and I had a talk in her parent's basement where I was told that maybe we should just remain friends.  It hurt but I respected Debbie far too much to fight her about her thoughts.  I graciously accepted the fact that we were not to be and walked away alone.  I was never one to be  over run with females that were interested in me so I was able to adjust back into single mode of life fairly quickly and easily.

The common denominator between Barbara and myself was my very good friend Valerie.  Val and I had been friends for years and were pretty close.  It was Valerie who I shared my first kiss with in the boiler room of the church one Wednesday night.  Valerie was two years older than me and we talked about many intimate things.  Among those things was the fact that I had never really kissed girl in a deep and sensual way.   Valerie, being the great friend that she was, offered to help me along in learning the basics of romance, which was greatly appreciated and enjoyed.  

Barbara and Val were two grades ahead of me in school even though they both were just a little more than a year older than me.  This was because the school district had a promotion date of October 1 of each year.  Barbara being born in September of 1955 would graduate in 1973 while I being born in October of 1956 would not graduate until 1975.  I never understood why the district settled on October as the cut off date instead of sometime in the summer months which would have made more sense to me.  However that was the setup and as a result Barbara was one of the youngest in her class while I was one of the oldest in mine.

It was towards the end of the school year in May of 1973 when Barbara, Val and their classmates began to plan for their big graduation night.  All of the girls had a date except for Barbara and so she and Val started the search for a likely candidate.   I am not sure which of the girl's idea it was but one of them recalled that I was recently free from Debbie and that I might be willing to escort Barbara on her big day.  Barbara had shown an interest in me lately but she didn't want to seem to forward and so it was decided that Val would put out feelers to me on whether I might be interested in the idea.  The thing to remember is that Val and I were very close.  You might say she was my best friend at school.  We shared a locker together which was unique since she was a senior and I was a lowly sophomore.

On that particular morning I met Val at the locker as usual.

"You know Barb Kissinger from church?" she asked with that wry smile of hers.

"From church?  Not sure.  Why?"

"You know, Jerry and Nancy's sister.  Short?  Like me.  How would you like to tag along to the senior party after graduation with her .... and me and Robert."  She had a little grin on her face as she reached for her textbook for her class.  "You know Barb.  She sings in the choir.  There!  Right there.  Remember her now?"

I turned and looked to my side and saw a short brunette walking past.  She turned her head slightly and glanced at me.  When our eyes met she dropped her head and increased her pace a little bit.  I recognized her as being the little sister of the music director's wife.  

"Oh yeah.  I remember her."  I then felt like I should add a caveat to my recollection.  "I mean I don't really KNOW her.  Just know who she is.  So I would be, like, her date?"

Val flashed a quick grin at me.

"Date?  I guess you call it that.  Party is at King Louie after graduation.  Sheryl and her boyfriend, me and Robert and you and Barb? Think you can go?  It would be almost an all nighter."

I was not sure how to answer this proposition that came out of the blue.  I couldn't give an answer on the spot unless it was a "no".  I would have to ask mom and dad about this and that wasn't exactly a cool answer to give.

"I dunno Val.  I'll have to see." avoiding the question for the time being.

Val tilted her head.  "Well it's in a couple of weeks.  It'll be fun and Barb is really nice.  Come on you'd like her and just between you and me, she really likes you."

Val turned quickly and waved over her head as she walked away.

"See you at lunch!  Have a fun with your math!" she called out as she left

I did not know what to think.  I had a hard time keeping focused on Mrs. Skaggs algebra class as I tried to form a picture of Barb in my mind.  I did know who she was but had not really paid much attention to her.  I had a lot of things going on at the church and I had been trying to keep my mind off of the situation with Debbie to take notice of a relatively new girl at the church.

That night as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep Val's voice kept running through my mind.  "She really likes you".   She was cute.  She had a nice smile.  She was very short.  Then again, short isn't that big of a deal.  I could look past that.  Being at the senior party would be kind of neat.  I had a few friends in the class of '73 and Val would be there to rescue me if things with south for some reason.  I decided to see what mom thought about it on Saturday.  I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.  It actually could be an exciting.

I approached mom Saturday afternoon before I went to play basketball with Larry and Ronnie at the church parking lot.  All my chores were complete so I figured I should talk to her about it while I was still in her good graces.  I found her a little apprehensive when I explained the details of the approaching night.  Val would be with me.  Yes it would be late into the night but Val would be there.  It would be a highly chaperoned party at a well known venue and Val would be there.  This girl I was taking was Nancy Olthoff's little sister AND Val would be there.  Actually I would REALLY be going with Val and just hanging around with this Barb girl .... whoever she was.  As I watched her look at me as she was thinking my thought was "well, this is going to be a big no".

"Let me talk to your dad about this.  You be home for supper?"  she was standing with her hand on her hip as I grabbed my basketball to head out.

"Unless Ronnie's mom asks me to stay to eat, sure."   I grabbed my keys to head over to Ronnie's.  Talking to dad was for sure a positive for me.  That meant she was leaning towards being okay with it and just telling dad what I had planned.  Sure enough when dad and I got home from work on Monday mom gave me the green flag to go out with the seniors after graduation.

I didn't see Barb much over the next week or so.  I talked to her a little at church as the day approached just to get a feel for her.  She was nice, Val was right about that.  She was cute with a nice smile but she didn't seem to know music very well.  I noticed that when I was talking to Ronnie about a new album that had been released she had not shown any interest or knowledge about it.  This was a little discomforting but not enough for me to back out of the Senior Party coming up.  I could overlook a few important things just to get through that night.  It would not be a problem in my mind.

The day of graduation finally arrived and along with it some devastating news.  The morning of graduation, Val's boyfriend Robert had been arrested and was currently in the county jail.  He had been caught on security cams defacing the building of a rival high school the previous night.  No one knew why he had done this.  Val was crushed.  I found out when Val picked me up to go to the LDS Auditorium where the graduation traditionally took place.  I could tell something was wrong when I got in her little green Ford Pinto.  Her eyes were red as she tearfully told me she would not be going to the after party.  I spent the whole ride across town trying to change her mind and to go.  From my perspective this could bring big trouble to me if Val did not go.   We arrived at the auditorium in Independence and as we parted ways Val said she probably would go.  We agreed on a place to meet after graduation and I entered to mostly empty auditorium  to wait to see the ceremony to be followed by a long night of celebration with the new graduates of the Class of 1973 of Ruskin High School.

The ceremony was a long one as all of them from Ruskin High School were back in those days.  I knew what I was in for as I remembered sitting through my sister's graduation the previous year.  One by one the graduates would be announced as they walked across the stage to receive a book like holder for their diploma but without an actual diploma inside of it.  Those would be mailed to the graduates later.  I sat through the whole thing watching many friends from both school and my church go through the ritual of passing into adulthood like so many before them.  I thought of Val as I sat there listening to the speeches.  Val walked across the stage with her head held high masking the heartache that she was carrying.  I watched as Barb, my companion for the next few hours, walked and graduated.  After about two hours or so (probably longer) I went to meet Val, Barb and the others that would be riding together to King Louie to celebrate the end of their public education careers.

We all rode in separate cars to a shopping center where we left all the cars and to consolidate into one car for the ride over to King Louie West.  Val sat in the back seat with me and Barb silently running things through her mind about everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.  The King Louie facility was over on the Kansas side of town.  I had never been there before and have only returned once or twice since that night.  It was huge.  They had a huge arcade, a billiards room with dozens of pool tables.  There was a hockey size skating rink, dozens of bowling lanes.  In short just about everything you could want if you were going to spend the better part of the night there.

Barb walked by my side as we entered.  She was in a great mood with a big smile on her face.  She informed me that she had never been ice skating but she had played pool.  Her father had a pool table in their basement at home.  She had been bowling before but she thought she would have a difficult time at the pinball machines because of her height and short arms.  After talking a bit the group of us decided to bowl a few frames first.  Only four of us bowled as Val wandered along with the group not saying much and not feeling up to doing anything.  After bowling the group spent a little time on the pool tables splitting up into couples after that.  Val went and sat at the concession drowning her sorrows in Coca-Cola.  Barb and I started walking around observing other graduates and stopping to talk to them once in awhile.  Eventually we found ourselves at the skating rink as we found our conversation stalling.

"Want to skate?" she asked as she stopped walking to stare out at the ice.

"I guess.  You want to?"

"I never have but sure, I'll try it if you stay by me."  she asserted.  Just then one of her classmates came crashing into the wall and fell to a stop flat on her posterior in front of us.

"You sure you want to?" I asked her with a smile.  She gave a slight chuckle and affirmed that since everyone else seemed to be having a rough go of it, why not as long as I stayed close to her.   

We went to get our skates.  She wore a size 6.  Tiny little skates that looked like they would fit on a fourth grader.  We sat and I laced up my skates while she worked on getting hers on.  I went ahead out onto the ice while she was working on it.   I was pretty athletic growing up with good coordination and quick reflexes.  I was very surprised at how easy ice skating was to me.  The only problem that I encountered was figuring out how to stop.  I found it very much like roller skating.  I took a few laps totally enjoying the new experience and for a short while forgot all about Barb, my date for the night, preparing for her maiden attempt on the ice.  As I came around on another lap I suddenly saw her on the glassy surface.  She was holding onto the side rail for dear life, slowly trying to work her way around the rink.  The next time I came up on her I slammed myself into the wall in front of her.  It was the only way I knew how to stop.  She gave out a little squeal of surprise when I banged into the wall.

"You said you had never done this before" she laughed out.

"I haven't.  I swear.  You want some help?"

"YES!  This is crazy!" she exclaimed with that beautiful smile.  I do think that was the first time I truly noticed how beautiful that smile was.  It was a smile that I would never forget.  I took one of her hands while she used the other one to hold onto the railing and we slowly made our way around the rink a few times.  We would hold hands the rest of the night.  

The party officially ended as far as King Louie and the school were concerned at around 3 in the morning.  We met up with the rest of the group that had ridden over together to head out to finish off the night.  Barb and I sat in the back seat with Val holding hands.  We ended up at Terrace Lake Shopping Center where we had left the other cars.  Someone found a Frisbee in one of the cars and we spent the next hour or so tossing it between us.  It wasn't long before someone noticed the time and suggested we all head home.  It was around four in the morning as we headed to our cars.

"You riding home with Val?" Barb asked in an almost hoping way.

"Yeah I think I should.  She's had a rough night."

Barb understood the situation with Val and agreed.  Just before I go into Val's car Barb came running up to the window.

"Here."  She handed me a small piece of paper.  "My phone number if you want to call.  I had fun.  Thanks"

"I had fun to.  It was a good time.  I'll call you"

And with that the short little girl with the beautiful smile slid into her Chevy and drove off.  It was the first night of what would become a lifetime together.  A lifetime that was cut off to short but also a lifetime that would be filled to capacity with sharing, living and loving.

It was only the beginning.

THE DIFFERENCE IN TEN YEARS

I was sitting in my favorite spot in my living room this morning listening to an album that was released fifty years ago.  Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" stared at me as the music wafted through my ears and into my head landing in the memory bank of my mind.  I first saw and heard Steely Dan perform "Do It Again" on "The Midnight Special" one Saturday night.  Donald Fagen had a distinct voice that caught my attention immediately.  It was a good song with good lyrics.  Back in the 1973 pop music was, in my mind, in the middle of the greatest decade of rock music in my lifetime.  The years 1965 to 1975 plus maybe a couple of years added to each side of that timeline took rock, country and jazz music through  a magnificent metamorphosis.  I can look back to the Top 40 of any week during that decade and my mind just whispers to me, "wow....".  As I scanned my memories from 50 years ago I started thinking what I was like 50 years ago.  Looking back 50 years ago even I wouldn't recognize myself.  I was a kid of 16 then with my whole future ahead of me.  I had yet to buy my 1967 Impala.  It was a time of transition for me from Debbie to Barbara with my last few months of freedom on that front being realized.  I had my career picked out but that was about the only thing of consequence I had accomplished.

My mind shifted to the changes my life had gone through in just the last ten years.  I thought about how I am now compared to just ten years ago.  "Just ten years ago".  During the ten years that followed 1973 I had graduated High School, married Barbara and adopted Brett.  I was in a job with a company that would see me through to my retirement.  In 1983, it still felt like I had my whole future ahead of me with a lifetime to go.  Time passes quickly though.  As I look back I can see that now and realize that life is ever changing and it doesn't stop until you take that last breath.  I am much closer to that last breath now than I was in 1973, 1983 or even 2013.

As I look back at myself in 2013 compared to today the changes are dramatic.  Brett had graduated high school 13 years before and had left Barbara and me with an empty nest.  Dutch never got over Brett not being there and go crazy wild every time Brett came walking through the door.  Dutch was only 5 years old at the time and still had his tank of energy at full.  In 2013 I would take Dutch for a weekly walk as I had Rudy before him.  I did not walk Dutch as far and as long on those walks as I had Rudy though.  Rudy had developed problems with his joints at an early age.  I did not want that to happen to Dutch.

Barbara's health was just beginning to slide on that downhill slope.  Her back was just beginning to bend forward as the fusion of her spine began.  She was able to still ride with me to Alabama to visit family but in 2013 we only ventured that direction once a year.  Mom and dad were still living in Kansas City but slowly their health was beginning to decline as well.  In three years they would relocate to Alabama to live closer to my sister.  When they moved was when my hands were full trying to take care of Barbara whose health was on a rapid decline, and dad's health was starting to fail as well.  As a family we decided that Elaine could take better care of mom and dad than I could while I was trying to take care of Barbara.  I think Barbara's last trip to Alabama was in 2014.  She made one more trip, that being to Texas for her nephew Travis' wedding.  As far as I know she never left Kansas City after that.  It was too hard on her back to even make a trip across the state to St. Louis.

We were on the last of the Saturns we would buy, Barbara driving a 2007 while I drove my precious 2006 Ion.  I think I loved that car more than any other car I had owned except maybe the 1979 Malibu that I had purchased brand new.

Barbara had returned to work and was happy with her job.  It would be the last job she held working for R. L. Stein Construction as an office manager.  In three short years, the spring f 2016, Barbara would stop working because of her health issues and begin the process of applying for Social Security Disability.  I was still working at Dit-MCO putting in my 34th year with the company.  I like to think I had attained the status of old-timer among the younger workers that brought a little respect for just staying around so long.

My health was not on the bight side in 2013 though it was much better than Barbara's.  I had two big wake up calls in 2012 and 2013.  In 2012 I had suffered my first heart attack.  It was the first sign to me that maybe I was starting to get old.  In 2013 I had my first colonoscopy where they found and removed several per-cancerous polyps.  This put me on the three year colonoscopy plan which I was thrilled about.  Since that first colonoscopy they have removed per-cancerous  with every procedure.  As you can guess, I am still on three year plan.

Ten years ago I was still fairly active though.  I broke my foot playing basketball with Brett that year and we never finished the game.  I claim the victory though since I was up on him as the time of the fracture.

The house had undergone a slight transformation.  After having carpal tunnel surgery on both my wrists, it was near impossible for me to paint the house.  Putting vinyl siding on the house became our first major improvement on the house other than a couple of new roofs over the years.  It improved the look of the house dramatically.  Barbara and I did not spend a lot of money ten years ago as we saw ourselves nearing our 6th decade of life and started trying to save a little bit for retirement.  Barbara was more concerned about our readiness for retirement than I was or so it seemed to me.  I didn't require a lot of money to keep me happy and I thought I would do very well keeping the standard of living we had then on into retirement. After mom and dad moved south, my trips to Alabama became more frequent and I depended upon Brett and our neighbors to keep an eye on Barbara due to her health.  I did not like leaving her alone with only Dutch to keep an eye on her.

I think it was around 2013 when my natural cynicism rose to a new level concerning events and life in general.  When President Obama was elected in 2008 I held out hope that he would be a good man for the job.  I even made an entry in this blog about my hope for the new administration.  By 2013, that hope had been obliterated.  My cynical side became stronger and I went int a phase of life of not trusting or believing anyone outside my own little family.  In 2013 I saw the world as a huge mess with respect being thrown out the window.  The youngsters of 2013 (under twenties) did not seem to take seriously anything.  They did not have respect for the country or the system that made this country as great as it is.  Ten years later I look back at those kids in 2013 and realize that they were not too different than I was in 1973.  Strange how that works.

Now I look at myself in 2023 compared to that person I just described.  I am calmer now than I was ten years ago.  I don't let my anger out hardly at all.  I tend to let things slide a little bit more.  I feel like I have come to accept the way the world is.  I do not understand a lot of things that go on in the world these days but things do not seem to bother me as drastically as they use to.

I am retired now after receiving a kind reminder from God that I am mortal by way of a second heart attack.  That heart attack the day before Barbara's birthday put me in the same hospital, in the same ICU just down the hall from where Barbara had died.  Those few days gave me plenty of time to think.  I thought about where I was and where my life was going.  I confirmed my thinking that life is indeed far to short.  I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had not lived my life to it's fullest.  Perhaps a little Charles Dickens crept into my thinking that I still had time, just as old Ebeneezer Scrooge had time to change a little.

I find myself in this phase of my life as entering the end game.  I am heading towards 70 now, an age I never could foresee happening.  I began my life with Barbara in the form of a first date 50 years go.  It was not always easy during those years.  There were plenty of rough times mainly because of myself.  We made it though.  During those last years with Barbara we grew closer to each other on a daily basis.

Now the nest is not only empty, my whole life feels empty at times.  The house especially feels so quiet and empty.  Dutch died last November, Brett of course is out making his way through life and Barbara has been taken to her heavenly home.

I find myself trying to learn how to live on my own by myself.  I have had to overcome my anxiety about making phone calls and still have a ways to go on that.  I have to learn how to keep up the house and keep it in order.  I have to learn to keep doctor and dentist appointments.  I have to learn to keep a healthy diet.  I have learned to keep myself busy and out of the house a day or two each week.  I have found a place to volunteer my time to helping others.

I have to learn to deal with the silence and the emptiness that I feel not only in the house, but in my heart. 

I guess the biggest change from 2013 to 2023 is that in 2013 I felt a purpose.  I was working.  I was taking care of loved ones.  I was being productive. In 2023 I am still productive.  I am still active.  I do feel that in 2023 I am being myself more than I ever had in the past.  I use to spend what seemed like every hour of everyday I was trying to do the right thing, to please somebody to do what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  I feel like the vast majority of my life was not about me but what others expected of me.  There hasn't been a lot of "Bill" in my life.  I am trying to change that.  Still though there are times that when I do take a step in that direction, I suffer consequences from people who still have those expectations and there is nothing I can do or say to change those attitudes. Even now as I contemplate whether to publish this put it out for the world to read, I have a hesitancy because of some of those factors from long ago. 

But in 2023 I also realize I am aging and as time ticks away ever so quickly I age even faster.  There are times when I feel so alone in a house that in the past I had craved to be alone in once in awhile. 

I feel like I am existing from day to day to day knowing that one day that last breath with finally come.

This writing did not take the course I was thinking it would.  I strayed a little I think.  I do think I painted a picture, albeit a sloppy picture, of how I have changed from who I was in 2013 to who I am today.  I am a work in progress still.  

I keep moving forward.

BARBARA ANN CLARK - THE FUNERAL

 Today marks four years since Barbara's funeral.  I have written three previous pieces about Barbara and her life but have neglected to write about her funeral service.  I think it deserves at least a small writing.

In 1981 a gentleman arrived at our house and knocked on the door.  He was from Floral Hills Funeral Home and Cemetery.  He was calling on us to talk about pre-funeral planning.  I figure the reason why we invited him in to talk to us was that we had experience with the funeral home.  Barbara's mother was buried there and my Uncle Melvin was buried there as well.  He explained that the cemetery was opening up a new section of the cemetery with a new way of parsing out the plots.  It sounded strange at the time.  Instead of Barb and me buying two plots, this new system would allow us to purchase just one.  This is the strange sounding part.  The two of us would be buried together in the single plot, one of us over the other.  The result of this new area was that while it would cost more than a single traditional plot it would be far less expensive than buying two separate plots for the two of us.  After talking with him the both of us thought it made sense and so we let him talk further into the idea of pre-funeral planning.  He talked about everything that we could set up in 1981 so that when the time came when one of us passed away everything would be paid for and available.  He left us some brochures as we asked him to let us talk it over and set an appointment for him to return to talk to us in a few days.

We did discuss planning for the future in this area of life.  We were, after all, planning for our future in almost every other area of life.  We were putting money into a 401K retirement account every paycheck.  We had purchased our house from Mr. and Mrs. Allard.  He was a teacher and coach of my sister and he coached me in football and baseball.  She had given me piano lessons for several years.  We had just finished paying the first actual new car that we had bought.  I had purchased life insurance on myself in addition to the life insurance the company offered to protect Barbara and our future child.  We also had started the process of adopting a child.  The things that this man was laying out for us seemed like the logical thing to do. We decided to follow through on the pre-funeral plan and spent the next few hours going through brochures with him.  We picked out our caskets.  We selected the marker that would be placed on our plot.  We selected and paid for the cards that would be given to those attending our funeral.  Everything was paid for except for the renting of the chapel and the opening of the grave when the time came.  Barbara thought that we may want a funeral in a church instead of at the funeral home so we left that off.  Otherwise, everything was taken care of.  Barbara was 26 and I was 25 when we bought everything that would be needed for a funeral.  In about 15 years it would all be paid for and not a worry for whatever the future held.

Now we move forward to July of 2018.  Barbara was facing a surgery that was extremely risky.  Neither of us knew what the outcome would be going into that surgery.  During the month or so before the surgery Barbara began getting things in place.  She only discussed with me what changes would need to be done to the house and our schedules when she came home from the hospital after the surgery.  We made changes in the bathroom.  She had already been forced to store her clothes on a lower plane than she use to be able to have.  The kitchen had also changed since she started getting worse.  Cabinets we not used much.  The kitchen table became her cabinets.  To me it was a disorganized mess, but to her it was what she needed and she pretty much knew where to find things.  

The night before the surgery right before I went to bed, she called me over to her chair. I sat in my chair next to her and she turned her computer towards me.

"I have something on the computer I want you know about," she said very seriously. 

 She pointed to an icon on the computer.  Underneath the icon was a single word. "If".

She tapped the computer screen with her fingernail.

"This file is for you just in case."  As she said this her eyes never left me.  She wanted to be sure I understood.

"In case of..??" I asked, with an idea of what the "in case" was.

"You'll know.  I don't want you to open it until it is time to, ok?"  She was still staring at me so seriously.  I knew exactly what she was referring to now.  "If" things did not go the way we were expecting them to. "If" she did not come home.  I promised her I would not be opening that file.  Her eyes got a little wet and she patted my hand as I gave her a kiss goodnight.

As we left the house on the morning of the 16th of July, neither of us were thinking, or at least talking about anything other than the outcome being that she would come home. As she went into surgery and we talked for the last time, kissed for the last time and expressed our love for each other the last time, the knowledge of the "If" file left my mind.  

As the week progressed and the reality of what the outcome of this week was going to be I remembered the "If" file.  I would come home to take care of Dutch and rest a little before heading back to the hospital.  During those few hours at the house I would open her computer and stare at that icon with "If" underneath it.  I did not open it though,  It wasn't time to open it yet. I would return to the hospital still holding out hope that I would not need to open it although as the week progressed it became painfully clear that I would be opening that file.

July 22, 2018.  In the morning the the nurses were checking Barbara constantly.  The ICU doctor came in more than usual checking on her.  I stepped out in the room for a second just to think and was approached by the hospital chaplain.  She talked to me a bit although I can't remember what was said.  She was basically holding out a hand to me if I needed it.  That was the day that Barbara's vitals all crashed at once and I left the room while they tried to stabilize her.  That was the moment I realized I would be opening the "If" file.

July 23, 2018. The doctor came into Barbara's room and put her hand on my shoulder.  We talked about the situation.  All that could be done had been done.  They began to take her off of life support as I gave her one last kiss.

My mind was racing as I walked out of the ICU for the last time.  I was blessed to have my sister Karen there with me, my cousin Ellen and other cousins.  Barbara was gone.  I sought out Ellen and asked her to call Floral Hills and have them start getting the paperwork for Barbara's funeral arrangements moving, which she did.  While I was phoning Barbara's sister and telling her what had happened, Ellen was getting things moving.  She came back and told me the funeral home had the files and were beginning to get things together.  It was arranged that I would go to the funeral home ... you know I can't remember if it was the next day or the day after that.  

Anyway, I got home in the afternoon of the day that Barbara passed.  My neighbors were sitting out on the front deck of the house next door waiting for news.  I talked to them and that little group remembered times with Barb with me. It was something I needed.

It was that evening when I was alone that I reluctantly turned on Barbara's computer.  I stared at the "If" icon for a few minutes before opening it.  I won't go into detail about what she had written but it was an amazing file.  She started by telling me to carry on.  She was ok now.  She told me she knew I would think I could not do it, but I had to, if anything for Brett.  She said that mine and Brett's suits were in a dry cleaning bag in the hall closet along with our white shirts.  She had Lori take them to be dry cleaned. 

She asked if I would ask Keith to do her funeral.  Keith was Keith Gibson.  He had been in Barbara's first children's choir and had grown up to be a minister.  We had started attending his church several years before and he had become the man we knew as our pastor.  She listed the music she wanted played.  One of the songs, not surprisingly, was a song I had never heard of.  Barb was much more up to date on music than I was.  When it came to music for me, it had might as well been 1974.  She also said she did not want a lot of flowers because I wouldn't know how to take care of them.  Instead, she wanted people to make donations to the Missouri Baptist Children's Home, where we had adopted Brett from.

She had everything planned out "If".  

Karen went with me and Brett to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director and make the final arrangements.  I did not have to pick out a casket.  I did not have to do much of anything.  All that hard stuff was already done and paid for.  The funeral director asked me about flowers and I told her about the children's home, but I would like a spray for the casket but I had my own florist that I was going to use.  I told her I would be using Kamp's for the spray.  She looked surprised and told me that was the the funeral homes florist.  She asked me why Kamp's and I told her about my grandfather and our family history with Mr. Kamp. So the spray for her casket came from Kamp's and that was good.

I was also instructed by the funeral director to bring some clothes for Barbara the next day.  I had no idea what to do when it came to that.  On the drive home I tried to think about outfits that Barbara liked, but how would I find them?  Would I be able to put an outfit together?  When I got home I walked back to Barb's room to start trying to put something together for her.  I walked into that room and there, laying on the bed, was an outfit laid out.  I cried at that point.  She had thought of absolutely everything.

The funeral was set for the next Saturday July 28, 2018.  Keith came over to talk to me and Brett about Barb.  He pretty well knew a lot about Barb but it was good to talk to him about her anyway.  He told me he was honored to speak at Barbara's service.  This was the first inkling of the impact that Barbara had made on people's lives.

So now the funeral, which is what this was supposed to be all about.  It was sad but good.  We had rented the big chapel at Floral Hills.  I knew Barbara had a lot of friends, classmates from high school , people she had attended church with, I just had a feeling a lot of people loved my wife and would be there.  That feeling proved out on that Saturday.

I am not a good people person.  That was Barb's job in our relationship.  she dealt with people while I just followed.  That Saturday though I had to stand there with my son and sister in law as people came to pay there respects to Barb and to offer their condolences to my little family.  It was not easy.  There were people who I knew their names but had never met.  There were people I had known through the years with Barb.  There were a lot of people.  The showing of love that people had for Barbara was ... I guess overwhelming.

They played the songs that Barb had wanted and Keith talked.  Keith talked about Barbara and how he had come to know her as an adult.  He talked of her smile and her laugh.  He talked of her impact on his family, on his children.  He talked about Barb's love for sweatshirts that had funny sayings on them that referred directly to herself.  He spoke of her impact on so many peoples lives.  He finished by telling the story of Barb's faith and how anyone could have the faith and assurance that Barb had.  He spoke the Salvation message, which I was very pleased with.  Barbara would have expected him to do no less than that.

The plot that Barb and I have is not far from the chapel at Floral Hills.  We had decided to forego using a hearse to take Barbara to the site.  Our nephews and a couple of cousins acted as pall bearers and walked next to Barbara's casket as we walked out of the chapel, across the drive and down to the grave site.  Me and Brett followed them and all of the people who had come to pay their respect for Barbara followed us.  It was special.  I think Barbara would have loved it.

At the gravesite, Keith read scripture and talked more about what death is, what it means, and what comes out through death with having faith in God and the resurrection that gives that assurance.  It was a wonderful service and I can not ever thank Keith enough for his words on that day.

After the funeral family and friends went over to my cousin Ellen's house for a dinner that would allow all of us to remember Barbara.  To laugh about things she had done, to remember her and to express how blessed we all were to have had her in our lives.

I was exhausted when I arrived home that evening.  I sat up all night thinking about our life together over those 42 years.  I thought of good times, bad times, fun times and rough times.  We had been through a lot.  For some reason she thought I was worth working hard to stay together.  I honestly do not understand that.  

In the days following the funeral, I began to adjust to my new life.  Barbara's wish for making donations to the Children's home was followed as I sent checks totaling over $500 to the organization that had given her our son.

Dit-MCO had given me as much time as I needed after Barb's death and I took that time to accept my sister Elaine's invitation to spend some quiet time in Alabama while I made mental adjustments.  Eventually I returned to Missouri and went back to work.  I began to work on starting a life without her.  For the first time in my entire life, I was living alone.

Thank you to all of you who attended and for all the prayers given during that time.  Thanks to a special set of people who gave me support during that time.  My sister Elaine and brother Bob.  My sister Karen.  Cousins Ellen, Susie, Pete, Eric, Jerry and a special friend Phil Vinyard who was there at hours early in the morning to check on me and Barbara and for being there early that last morning of Barb's life when I was feeling so helpless and alone.

Barbara showed tremendous strength and courage to prepare for whichever way the surgery went.  I will always admire her and be thankful to her for that. 

I am continuing to move forward in life without Barbara.  I still love her.  I miss her.  I always will.  But I know that Barbara would not want me to sit and fade away from life.  She said so in the "If" file.

ENTRY NUMBER 499

Like ENTRY NUMBER 498, I will not be posting this on Facebook so I can pretty much say whatever I want without offending anybody.  More or less, as the mind speaks my fingers put down the words.  I was pretty pleased with ENTRY NUMBER 498 so let's try it again.

 My neighbor Sally turns 86 years old next month.  She is a petite lady rising above the 5 foot mark by about 2 inches.  Her mind is sharp.  She has a friendly and helpful personality.  You have to be careful though because she can also be a fiery lady as well.  She and her husband, Bob, moved into the house across the street back in 1996, good neighbors the whole time.  Bob passed away about 15 years ago and it seemed that Sally made the transition pretty good although it was difficult for her.

Sally is independent.  She is strong and does not like to ask for help although she readily gives help when she sees a need.  During the time when Barbara's health began to deteriorate, Sally, along with my other neighbor Charlene, kept a close eye on Barbara.  Barbara was as much of an independent as Sally is.   During the time when Barbara was still able to drive and able to accomplish things with difficulty, Sally was there.  Barbara would come home from grocery shopping and start to carry a bag at a time to the front porch where she would then carry a bag at a time into the house.  Sally would come over and talk Barbara into letting Sally carry the bags from the car to the porch so Barbara could carry them into the house.  As Barbara's health worsened, the more help our neighbors gave.  I am lucky to have the neighbors that I do have.

Sally, as I said, does not like to ask for help.  She has begun to acknowledge that at her age, she does need help here and there but that doesn't mean she likes to ask for it.  A couple of weeks ago I received a call from Sally asking me if I was busy.  The light bulbs in Sally's garage door opener and her overhead light in the garage were burned out.  Her garage door would not open.  I went over and replaced the lights and Sally pressed the button to open the garage door.  It would not open.  After looking at her door I discovered it was locked.  Somehow Sally had accidentally locked her garage door. I walked her to the door, explained what was wrong and showed her how to unlock the door if it should happen again.  As she was walking me back through the house and thanking me, she slowly broke into tears.  She expressed how she felt so alone and didn't know how to do things.  I told her that her, Charlene and myself were there for each other.  That's what friends and neighbors are for.  We lean on each other.

What I want you to take from the telling of that event are four things.  First, of course, is that Sally is very independent.  Second is that she feels vulnerable as she gets older.  Third is that the lady loves to drive her car.  That is not a bad thing.  Not yet anyway.  She is sharp minded.  She is a good driver and she knows her limitations while driving.  For example she does not drive on the highways.  She knows that her reflexes aren't what they use to be and so she stays on the side roads and never drives far from home.  The last thing is that Sally like a routine.  She does not like change or things that take her out of her comfort zone.  She does not like surprises. This leads us to what happened last Friday.

Last Friday morning Sally had gone to the DOV to renew her drivers license.  While she was there something happened that had never happened to her before.  She failed the eye test..  The lady at the DOV gave her a piece of paper to give to her eye doctor when she went to get glasses.  The paper was a sign of Sally getting older.  It was a paper that the doctor would tell the state if Sally was fit to drive or not.

She showed up at my front door shortly after noon that day.  She was anxious.  A wrench had been thrown into her day to day machinery and she did not know exactly what to do. At the DOV they had given her the name of an eye doctor that is approved by the state who was located in Belton.  To Sally, Belton might as well be a hundred miles away.  She did not know the town.  She wasn't sure how to get there and she certainly did not have a clue as to where the address of the eye doctor was located.

I did my best to calm her down and we talked about what had happened that morning.  I would make sure that we got this taken care of.  I had nothing else to do so I would drive her to Belton for the exam.  We called the phone number and made an appointment for Monday afternoon. After telling her not to worry and giving her a pat on the back, she headed home.

Saturday morning Sally called me again to make sure I hadn't forgotten about Monday's eye exam.  Her anxiety was building and I think she was a little scared that she would not be able to drive anymore.  The way I figured it, she was driving around the neighborhood without any problems so the adjustment to her eyes would be minimal.  That seemed to calm her down a bit for the time being.  I would not hear from her until Monday.

I had told Sally we would leave around three on Monday and so a little before three I stepped out of my house to find Sally walking up my driveway.  I smiled at her and she told me to let's get this over with and off we went.  It was a long appointment.  Sally is a talker and loves to tell stories to people.  I imagine there was a lot of story telling going on during her exam.  She came out of the exam with the paper the doctor had signed telling the state that her eyesight, with corrections, would allow her to drive safely.  She picked out some frames and we headed home with a much relieved Sally.

She insisted on buying me an early dinner on the way home so we stopped at Freddie's and got some pattie melts and fries before heading back home.  Sally was happy.  Today she mailed the paper to the state and now all she has to do is wait for her new glasses before heading back to the DOV for her license and her day to day routine returning to normal. 

Having good neighbors is important.  I am saying that from my perspective.  Me having good neighbors is important and I have two great neighbors, Charlene and Sally.  The three of us are single and live alone.  Sally losing her husband several years ago, Me losing Barb in 2018 and Charlene just lost her husband last July weekend.  We are the same the three of us and each of us need help from time to time.  I put a couch and a chair in the dumpster Charlene had rented last fall and Sally put a microwave and some boxes in the dumpster I rented a few weeks ago.  The theme between the three of us is that we are all in this together and we watch out for each other.  

Good neighbors are hard to find.  I am extremely lucky.  You get a good neighbor, help them.  It is indeed a rarity to have such fine ones.

It is 10:30 pm tonight.  It has been overcast but a nice temperature most of the day.  When I went to the store to pick up my prescriptions, a lady who was walking just in front of me into the store informed that it was a nice day but we would pay for it with storms tonight.  I did not ask for her weather forecast, she just offered it to me.  It is nice to have people feel relaxed enough in this day and age to talk to strangers like that.  It felt good.  She was right though.  Thunder, lightning and rain have arrived in Kansas City.

I like the rain.  I like the sound and the smell of it.  The only problem with rain, especially when accompanied with thunder and lightning is getting Dutch outside to do his business.  He doesn't mind the rain but the lights and the sounds make him rather skittish.  Tonight he will more than likely sleep close to my bed during the night as if I could protect him from it.

This rain is also a good thing for my dogwood tree.  It was one of my gifts from Dit-MCO on the occasion of my retirement.  They gave it to me as kind of a replacement for Barbara not being able to be there.  It was a thoughtful gesture and one that I very much appreciated.

Life is marching on.  I was thinking about that this morning as I sat quietly by myself eating oatmeal for breakfast.  Life does not stop and soon I will be a memory just as Barbara, all my grandparents, my sister, my dad and all those aunts and uncles as well as many friends have become.  Just a memory that will fade to obscurity as the generations come and go.

Going to school for the first time.  Playing baseball, then football and finally basketball and making the school team.  That first kiss from Valerie, who is now herself but a memory.  Time with Debbie and meeting Barbara then marrying her.  Working for dad and finding my place in the labor force. Meeting Ronnie for the first time and all the fun we had discovering music together to spending time with Larry and all the evening in the church parking lot playing basketball.  Seeing Brett for the first time and bringing home as my son followed by raising him on Beatles tunes.  Watching Barbara leave this world and telling people at my fathers memorial service in Alabama about my dad.

Memories.  We hold onto them as much as we can.  We lose a lot of those memories over the years due to time or age.  My dad was starting to lose his memory when Barbara died.  Barbara adored my dad and I think dad kind of like her as well.  To be honest dad "kind of liked" me too.  That was dad's answer all the time.

Me: Love you dad

Dad: yeah well I kind of like you too

It brings an unusual smile to my face these days.  I don't smile much anymore.  I am thinking that maybe I am forgetting how to smile.  What about a laugh?  Almost unheard of coming from me.  My sense of humor is fading like the memories.  I look at this world, in these times we find ourselves and I don't think there is much to laugh about.  As Americans we are divided and there is almost a hatred among the people of my country.  I remember studying and observing the fight to desegregate our country and it feels like just as we are right there. I look around and see that re-segregation is on the rise and moving fast.  The strange thing is that the very people who fought so hard to integregate the country are leading it back into segregation.  It saddens me.

I do not understand America anymore.  Hell, I don't think I even understand human beings anymore.  Everything seems to be upside down and sideways inside out.

I want simplicity to make a comeback.  I want critical thinking to become a thing again.  I want the Constitution of the United States to stand for something.  I want to see a return to true ... TRUE ... freedom of speech in this country.  Without that, this country means nothing.  That is what makes The United States so special.  The right to a free and open exchange of ideas.  We do not have that anymore.  The public square has been dismantled.

I think, at the moment I am typing this, that I am kind of glad I won't be around to see the path this country is headed down and where it ends up.  I truly believe that this country, this Democratic Republic that has proven itself, in my mind, is the greatest country in modern history.

My heart is truly saddened by what I have seen happening to it.

Enough for ENTRY NUMBER 499 in this blog.

THE SECRET OF 42 YEARS

Yesterday was a good day for thinking.  I got a good nights sleep and woke up somewhat refreshed.  The sun was shining and although the air was cool the sunshine made it warm on my inside.  A blue sky after a Saturday of gray clouds and drizzle seemed to clear the mind for a fresh start to a new day.

What has become a weekly ritual for me over the last year or more was enjoyable.  Meeting Lisa for breakfast at Crackerbarrel was enjoyable.  The order was brought to our table as ordered.  As we do every Sunday morning we talked about what happened over the previous week and what we were anticipating would happen in the coming week.

After finishing breakfast we headed over to the church for Sunday morning services.  The pastor at this little church is not a great orator but he is a good preacher and pastor.  His sermons do get to the point he is trying to convey but it is a process in getting there.  On this Sunday morning my breakfast, the fresh air outside and the slowness of the sermon had the effect of making me drowsy.  Lisa nudge me a couple of times to keep me alert and I managed to be awake when services were over.  We then parted our ways as each of us went to our homes to finish this beautiful day that we were blessed with.

Returning home I sat down to watch Mizzou take on South Carolina in baseball to be followed by watching the Mizzou softball team play LSU.  Both games were disastrous if you were pulling for Mizzou.  Total destruction in both games, but it was relaxing to sit there and enjoy what we were denied having last spring because of Covid-19.

It was a quiet day in the neighborhood.  The gorgeous day had brought the kids on the block outside to play and their laughter was as lovely as the day was.  I had the house opened up.  The front door was open and windows were letting the slight breeze make it's way around the house as the temperatures warmed up into the 70's.

It was the perfect combination for my thoughts to be allowed to wander from the disasters unfolding on the TV from each of the Columbia's in the SEC.  As often happens when my mind wanders, it took me back to that week in July of 2018 as I sat and watched the life slowly slip from my wife's body.

My mind went to the Saturday evening before Barbara would slip away.  The night shift of nurses were coming onto the floor and our nurse was a different one for the weekend than the one who had spent most evenings with us.  These nurses are special in the cardiac ICU.  It takes a special person to do this job.  She came in to talk to me after the day shift nurse had gone home.  The way I saw it was that she was trying to open a line of communication between me and her as Barbara's condition had been continuously declining.  We both knew that anything left to try to help Barbara were becoming scarce.

During this talk it came up that Barb and I had been married for 42 years.   She sincerely asked me what the secret was to being married that long of a time since it seems that few marriages last that long these days.  I remember thinking to myself that I don't know.  I hadn't given it much thought.  I sat quietly thinking about it while the nurse waited patiently for what I would say.

I finally told her it takes a lot of work.  It isn't easy for sure.  You have to let your love for each other get you through the tough times to get back to better times again.  Life in and of itself is a roller coaster ride and marriage is the same way.  There are ups and downs all along the way and it takes two to work through that roller coaster to get to the end of the ride.  That was the short version of the answer I gave her but yesterday I delved into that question a little deeper.

The answer I gave the nurse that evening was correct but then the question comes to my mind how do you do that?  How do the two of you work through the ups and downs over a long period of time.

Realize that nobody is perfect.  We are all human and mistakes will be made.  Sometimes little mistakes that are easily dismissed are created but sometimes serious mistakes are made.  It is not easy but realizing that the wrong that was done was done by a flawed human.  Working through those mistakes are not easy but in the long run those major mistakes can strengthen the relationship.  I know I made some major mistakes in my time with Barbara.  I know that I hurt her.  I also know that somehow she managed to work past those mistakes and continued on with me.  I think that too often we tend to expect perfection from our partners in life when that is an impossible achievement.  Be willing to except the mistakes, whether they are brought out in the open or not, whether an apology has been made or not.  Forgive anyway and trust that a lesson has been learned by both parties and continue from there working to fix that mistake and increase the closeness and love that is there.

Respect each other.  Respect is important.  I had a lot of respect for Barbara even though I did not show or express that to her.  I felt like she had respect for me as well.  If that respect is there it serves as a foundation for accepting the mistakes that are made as the road of life is continued to be traveled down together.

Keep communication open and dynamic.  By this I do not mean to sit and let words be said and hear them but rather to truly try to understand what is being said.  Barbara was much better at this than I am. A common mutual understanding is critical to true communication.   Too many times words expressed by one person are floated in and out of the other's head and dismissed.  Too many times that this happens, it is important words expressing something that is critical to the one speaking.  This kind of listening is hard at times but when you succeed in this deep listening it seems to pay off hugely in the relationship. 

I do know this.  Barbara and I both made lots of mistakes over those 42 years together.  During the last 15 or 20 years of our life together, however, I felt like we could not get any closer or deeper in love than we were on that particular day only to wake up the next morning and find that on this new day we somehow were closer and deeper in love than the day before.  Our life together continued that pattern all along the road together that came to an end, on this earth anyway, on that hot July morning in 2018.

I find that our love is for each other still exists and grows in a way since July 18, 2018.  I feel it each time I visit her resting place.  I feel it in the quiet nights spent alone with Dutch as his only companionship in his eyes. 

There is more to it than those few thoughts I know.  Being best friends to each other is vital.  Being sensitive to each other's feelings is a given.  Neither of us were very good at following these thoughts I came up with, but we were just good enough at them to keep us together.  She better at it than I. 

No, it wasn't easy.  It was hard work.  In spite of all the mistakes that were made during those 42 years, it was so worth the work expended.

I am sorry for all that I put you through Barbara.  I miss you Barbara.