This is an example of how my brain races around. Most of how I talk to myself isn't the truth, just how my mind sees things. Not looking for comments or anything on this. This is more of a mental excersize for myself. It is a way for me to clear my head, reset my thinking process to be based more on reality than what my mind sees. It is simply an intimate look inside my mind. This is not going to be easy to share things like this, it is going to be very difficult. It will probably jump around a lot and will take more than my usual time to write. This is just something I feel I need to do for myself, although I can't explain why. Be patient. Don't feel sorry for me or disgusted with me. This is just part of who I am.
: Hey ... hey you...
: Me? Oh, it's you .... What do you want?
: What are you doing?
: Just thinking. Over thinking. I do that a lot.
: What about?
: Just things. Life. Trying to figure things out. I am tired. Tired of everything.
: Everything? Like what?
: I don't know... Just everything. Sometimes I just don't want to get up in the morning. Wish I could just lay in bed and listen to music... Tired of trying to prove myself, my worth. Just tired.
: Tired of even life itself?
: Especially life. It always seems to come back to life. I guess that is because life encompasses everything else. Everything is part of life. Tired of being tired. You know, when I was younger I was sure I wouldn't live past thirty... now I am over sixty. And the things is that I know so many people who have died way to young ... Sincerely wish I could take their place...
: Yeah... I am guessing you are talking about Rachel, Bink and Alesia and other people ..
: Just kids. They were just kids and had so much to offer. Seems like, well seems like if I could take their place it would be a little more fair. Life isn't fair. It isn't right. And the thing is, those kids had a lot more to offer the world than I ever do, or have.. or whatever.
: But that isn't up to you, to decide things like that. You aren't in charge of life. Yours or anyone elses.
: Could be in control of my life though ...
: Probably but that wouldn't help those kids. There isn't anything you can do about some things.
: Wish I could. And then, well I miss people. Special people ... Like my grandmothers and my grandfather... my sister .... my uncles ....my aunts.... Miss them so much.
: You believe in God?
: yeah I do .. and I believe in an afterlife. I think I do anyway. I HAVE to believe in an afterlife. I was raised that way and I do believe in that. Not sure what it will be like, but I hope that I will be able to recognize the spirits of them so I can be with them again. Not sure if that is how it works or not ...
: Pretty sure they won't be in the form that you knew them as here on earth.
: Yeah probably not ... but if I can just communicate with them somehow. Learned so much from them ..
: Well I doubt if you will learn anything from them in the afterlife. You'll know everything that is really important just as they do now. communicating will be on a totally different level.
: Never thought of it like that ... you could be right ... still miss them though.
: What else you thinking about?
: I don't know. Like I said it all rolls back around to life in the end. ........................ Sometimes, I feel so alone. I feel ...
: Come on. You know better than that. You are far from alone.
: Yeah I know that, deep down I know that .. it is just a feeling. I think ... I think that feeling alone is because no one knows me... not really. No one understands me ... I mean it isn't their fault, it is mine. I don't let people know me.
: You got that right. You do a great job of hiding who you are.
: Don't mean to ... maybe I am just afraid of letting someone see me.. know me. Kind of scary.
: Why is it scary? You're a nice guy. That's what people say anyway. AND... and they say your smart too ... with a great sense of humor.
: yeah, well ..That is just further proof that they don't know me. I can be not nice at all. I have hurt a lot of people .. not on purpose, just the way I am .. and smart? very average. VERY average. Sense of humor... that is just a show ... Most times I would be better off keeping my mouth shut instead of faking that sense of humor.
: You call it wearing a mask.
: I do... and it is. you know it isn't an easy thing to do, wearing that mask all the time ... very tiresome .. and that brings us back to life in general. Just tired.
: you are just feeling sorry for yourself. you need to stop doing that.
: I know ... I know.... I just think I see me as me .. I know me better than anyone.
: Yes you do .. and since you do, you are better equipped to change your thinking and being tired and stuff and turn it around. Start seeing things as they are.. as they really are.
: I think I do see things as they really are .. really do. I mess up so much even when I really try not to mess up...
: well you better get untired of things... you probably have a long time to go yet ... you DO plan on keeping on going, right?
: yeah I do .. Really don't have a choice on that. still, it really wouldn't bother me, you know if I ...
: if you died?
: yeah, if I died. Life just seems... well it seems like this is it. I have peaked at life. Nothing is going to change ... just live out my days .. day after day.. nothing changing... nothing getting better .... nothing getting worse... just kind of a flat line...
: wait . you aren't going back to that "just Bill" thing are you
: well, yeah I guess I am. I think that most people see me as that .. as "just Bill" ... been that way my entire life it seems ...
: They say that you are wrong about that ...
: No they don't .. They don't even know about "Just Bill"
: You are more than Just Bill to all those people you are thinking about .. you know that, deep down you know that.
: Maybe ... but it just feels like that a lot.
: Still talking to Grandpa? in your thoughts and dreams?
: yeah... probably always will ... in dreams.. and day dreams. Matter of fact, talking to him is a lot like talking to you actually...
: He was a wise man..
: yeah he was. very wise ... he never knew how much he helped me along ....
: You never told him .. but I'll let you in on a secret...
: What's that?
: He knew. He could tell you were listening to him ...
: Probably... but he didn't know how I held on to his words.
: Yes he did. You need to remember this .. he had a lot of kids and a LOT of grandkids and he loved each one the same .. he tutored everyone of you in life. Now you all didn't come away with the same things but you all got that gift of his wisdom. Every one of you. Tell me.. just think .. what was the most important thing you got from him? and wisdom doesn't count as an answer .. something more personal...
: hmmm... that's a tough one. I learned so much from him ... be gracious and spiritual, be a friend to your fellow man ... never judge someone or be judgmental ... I have a tough time with that one sometimes.... hmmm.....you never stop learning... hmm that would be it I guess... the day he taught me "never be positive about anything"... yeah, that's the one that I probably carry with me very close...
: "Never be positive" .. that is good. so let's see ..."NEVER BE POSITIVE" ... he mean that as the opposite of being negative?
: no.. had nothing to do with that ...had to do more with never be so sure of yourself to think you can't be wrong ... listen to other ideas and thoughts... learn from it and realize that there is some worth to all ideas and thoughts if you listen close enough... and that no matter how sure you are of something, there is someone out there who can prove you wrong or have a different better idea than the one that you are so positive about.... that was the lesson that day.
: wow ... quite a lesson. simple idea but ... you know, sometimes the simple things are the hardest to see... and to learn...
: yeah, that's true .. that is true a lot of times...
: Tell you what .. take this idea of "just Bill" and apply the positive test to it ... are you positive that people see you as "just Bill"?
: initial answer? definitely yes ... no doubt about it ... but
: But when you put the never be positive test to it... kind of fades away... right?
: I guess so... well it has to doesn't it...
: Seems to me like it would ... I am guessing the same result would come from you saying you are tired of life... or that life has flat lined ... you sounded pretty positive about all of that...
: I guess so ..... but it does seem like that..
: "SEEMS like that" .. doesn't mean it is like that .. unless of course you're positive that it is... you positive that it is?
: To be honest .. totally honest, I am really not sure about anything anymore .... all I know is it feels like I just drag myself through every day ... day to day ... constantly....
: Tell you what .. I am going to leave you alone for while so you can ponder on that ... on if life is constantly changing or not and it can change for the good ... I'll catch up with you later.. okay?
: yeah .. okay .. got a lot to think about I guess...
: Yes you do
: Can I ask you something?
: Sure.. what?
: we have had this talk before haven't we..
: LOTS of times ... and we will again I am sure... not positive... but pretty sure... now think
: okay .. I'll think some more... thanks
: no problem... see you later. ... "just Bill"
: funny ... good bye for now I guess.
No comments:
Post a Comment