If you have been reading me for awhile you know that I have suffered some serious losses in my life. I lost all three of my grandparents who I dearly loved and an Uncle that became a confidant of mine as we grew closer than any Uncle/nephew usually does. These were expected losses though. I knew the last time I saw my grandfather, that it would be the last time. Both of my grandmother's deaths did not really catch me off guard and I had over a year taking care of my uncle as cancer slowly took his life. None of these were a slap upside the head.
But in 2016 there did begin a series of losses that did hit me hard. I lost my sister Carol Jeanne in March of 2016. I lost an extremely close friend in February of 2017 totally out of the blue. Dennis and I had been almost like brothers since we first met in December of 1979. He suddenly died of a heart attack in his sleep. Then of course came 2018. In the last six months of that year I lost my wife of 42 years in July. In August I lost a neighbor and very good friend of over 40 years, Jim. Then September found us in shock and stunned as Jim's daughter, Lori, took her own life. October arrived and just as I was preparing to make my fall visit to Alabama to see my dad and mom, my sister and the rest of the family, my dad died suddenly. Later that year I lost my Uncle Dale. Five funerals, not only funerals but important funerals in less than six months.
On December 31, 2018 I sat and pondered the events of the previous six months of my life. I had spent Christmas and the week following alone by myself. I searched for answers. I asked God for answers. It seemed like 2018 was aimed at me and I began to lose my motivation. I lost any semblance of meaning in my life. I wasn't angry, but I was hurt. I was sad. I was confused. Since then I have come to realize that I need to keep moving forward. I am striving to get my motivation back, both at the office and the house. I am working very hard on it and I am making progress.
Today a new thought has entered my mind. The thought is that I am just me and yes, 2018 was rough, but I know of so many others who are hurting and with far more reason than I have. What triggered this thinking this weekend was a dear friend of mine. Today she is marking eight years since she lost her husband. She still hurts from it and she always will. I know what it is like losing a lifetime spouse now. But she has more pain than I will ever know. In a short period of time not only did she lose her husband, but she lost her father and her youngest son. I can not imagine the hurt that she must feel on a daily basis. Yet, she continues on keeping herself on track as she takes care of others in her family as well as herself. I admire her strength. I wish I had that kind of strength but I do not.
My thinking goes to Alesia and Rachel. I have written extensively about these young ladies who passed away all too soon, much too young. I can look at their parents and I know that they hurt with a hurting I will never be able to understand. I pray that I don't have to understand their pain. But I watch these two couples over the years and watched them continue to push on. Yes they hurt on a daily basis with a hut like no other. Losing a child has got to be the deepest pain imaginable. I admire these parents. I admire their strength. It would be so easy to lie down and let life run them over but they don't. I look to them for inspiration and there is plenty of it there in their hearts.
I think of a niece of mine who lost her husband at an extremely young age. I did not know her at the time, I would not know her for several years after that when she married into the family by way of my nephew. The strength that she has had to find to get to the point of keeping going must have been tremendous. Yet she has and I admire her so very much because of it. I love her. I admire her. I admire her strength.
Then I think of an old classmate of mine who I only recently reconnected with. We share much the same story. He lost his love at an early age as well, and still mourns the loss. He will for a long time as I will. He keeps going somehow. He mentions his partner often and relates memories he has of him. I admire him. I admire his courage and his strength. I can relate to the pain he suffers on a daily basis. But he moves forward as difficult as that might be. I admire him and his strength. His ability to talk about his loss with love and a thankfulness that he had that love, even if just for a short period of time.
And now, I think of my cousins. They lost their son at the beginning of this COVID-19 shutdown. They have more strength than anyone I have ever known I think. They have not been able to have a memorial service or really anything to mark the passing of their son. They won't be able to take this important step of honoring him and remembering him with friends and family that everyone else seems to have around for support. I hurt for them as I imagine having to work through something like. It will be another month before we are able to gather to remember him. Before we are able to show the love we had for him and the love we have for my cousins as they try to deal with all of this. I do so admire their strength. Never have I ever wanted to just hug two people so very badly as I do them. They are special to me and it pains me to think of the hurt they are going through over the last couple of months. I love them so much.
So we come back to me. Yes I had a few rough years. Yes 2018 seemed like a total disaster for me and that year will always be in my mind because of all the loss I suffered. Since July of 2018 I have tried to continue to write, not only for you but for me as well. Every one of the writings I have done has mentioned Barbara along with some other tragedy that hit me. That was a rough year. I realize I will always be effected by it. I realize that the pain I feel from those six months will not leave me. But I also realize how blessed I am, in spite of that year.
These others that I have talked about today have much more reason to hurt than I do. The losses they have suffered through are very real and each one of them hurt on a daily basis. i admire and respect every single one of these people. I look up to them for guidance, as an example of courage and strength that I feel I lack.
For the last year and a half, all I have been able to write about is Barbara. Even when writing about dad, I am writing about Barbara. I wrote about my first girlfriend in an attempt to give my readers a break from reading about Barbara, but I wrote about her still even in that piece. I WANT to write about Barbara, my dad and my sister. I think that it is a good sign that I at least have been able to write something lately. It does not come easy.
I imagine that these people that I wrote about here, look at my writings over the last year and a half and think about how lucky I really am and don't realize it. Trust me my friends, I realize how lucky I have been. I was lucky I was to have Barbara for those 42 years. I was extremely lucky for my dad to live into his 90's. I was lucky to have such a good neighbor and friend as Jim for all those years (side note on me and Jim; our friendship did not start out very well but as time wore on the bonding became very real and he was like a second father-in-law to me). I realize how lucky I was to have Lori around to take care of Barbara, and to help her on a day to day basis. I realize how lucky I was to have an uncle like Dale, who I watched change from a slightly bitter man (he had lost two sons while I was growing up) into a loving, caring patient man who thought about others so lovingly. I never knew my Uncle Dale very well, but when my mom visited him towards the end of his life he had love for me and my family that I didn't truly realize as he asked mom how I was doing since Barbara died. He cared.
I do know I have been lucky in life but it is hard to reconcile that with the losses. I kind of think it is because time goes by so fast. Life is so short but we don't realize it until death touches us. On a daily basis I think of all of you and try to understand your pain. I will never be able to accomplish that.
The important thing about all of this though. is this. These people who I have outlined their stories to you about. These people who are hurting beyond my comprehension. Every single one of them have been there for me, giving me support. Giving me encouragement. Listening to me as I work through my own pain. They set theirs aside just for a bit to help me with mine. That, my friends, is strength and love that I never expected nor do I think I deserve from these wonderful friends and family. Yes I have been so very lucky.
I admire all of you. I look up to all of you. I pray for all of you.
May God bless each and every one of you.
You’re not just lucky, you’ve been blessed!
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