This writing is of a personal nature of myself that not many people know about. I hesitate to even write about it but seeing as I am coming up on my 66th year on this planet, I figure what the hell. There are not many people left that I can irritate or push away by writing about it. I doubt if I will be around much longer anyway for it to matter. I do realize that it will sound like I am playing the victim card and most people that know me will see it as such. That is not my intention, I don't see myself as a victim but the things I write are intrinsically real to me. No doubt many people will see read this and roll their eyes repeating the mantra I have heard throughout the course of my life, "Oh well, it's just Bill being Bill" and dismiss it. That is fine with me. I am too old and too tired to keep defending myself and explaining myself. It tires me and I end up being sad and alone until I correct what I have said or done to everyone's satisfaction and go back to being quiet, withholding things inside and pretend that I am who people think I should be.
I was raised to be quiet, listen and do what I am told or what was expected of me. I was not taught to express myself. That wasn't my job. My job was simply to listen. Looking back over my life there have been very few people who focused on my thoughts and feelings and intently listened to what I was saying. Actually I can think of only three people in my life who did.
My grandfather was one of those three. Grandpa would ask me questions about things in the world, things in life. He wanted to know what I thought and how I felt. True, I think his main goal in this excersize was so that he could correct me. I knew this but the fact that he listened, actually listened to my thoughts and feelings made me open to his corrections that he gave me. I took his words seriously. I did not always agree with everything he espoused but I learned to listen, to hear the ideas he was expressing. I learned from the old man that listening involved several parts to it. To listen, to focus on what someone was saying and to try to understand what they were trying to say. To be open minded and be willing change my thinking if I heard things that could possibly be different than my thinking but at the same time could be correct. I learned to be willing to be wrong in my thinking and feelings and to change if I felt it was correct to do so. My grandfather did change my thinking on some things. Some things he did not but it wasn't because I wasn't listening to his words. It was just that I felt that for me, my thinking was proper for me as an individual. He was good with that result as long as I gave his words the respect they deserved and I tried to understand his feelings and thoughts. We are all different after all and no two people think or feel the same way about anything.
When I speak of my grandfather and the two of us talking and listening to each other most people who think of him and me talking see it as a political nature. It wasn't. Some of it was political but most of it was philosophy on life, faith and feelings that reside deep inside all of us. He was a great listener and was a great one on one explainer of what was inside of him. I learned more from him than anyone I suppose. I learned from him to listen. Not to listen passively but to listen and truly hear. I never achieved the ability that he had in listening but I can say I have tried to be as good of a listener as I could. I am what I am I suppose.
I also learned from him that it is okay to have feelings. It is okay to show your feelings. It is okay to have your feelings hurt, or destroyed to the point where you just cry. Crying does not have to be external or on display but you can cry on the inside or in private. Feelings is the core of what we are made of I think. Our feelings determine how we think and how we express ourselves and what we believe. When your feelings get hurt by somebody it can make you sick on the inside. It can mess with your head. It can really mess you up.
I think I got a little off track talking about grandpa. It happens when I remember him and talk about him. I think the main point I was trying to get across was the importance of knowing how to listen to how other people feel about things that happen to them. To try to understand how events effect a person. To understand that we have to be careful with words and actions. They can cause damage. I am not very good at that.
I grew up in a good family. My father was a great man, and my mother is a good person. I am lucky to have the siblings that I have. The thing about growing up in my family is probably the same thing in a lot of families I suppose. There isn't a lot of intimacy in my relationships with them. I do not think they really understand me, who I am, what I think and most important they don't understand my feelings. It goes the same for my extended family. My cousins, Aunts and Uncles do not have a clue what I am on the inside. It seems the general rule of thumb is to not try to know me.
Yes, this is all about me. It is about my feelings. How I hurt. How I feel about what I can or can't do or say. I try not to be a selfish person but I think I am at that point in life where I can be just a little selfish. Call me self centered, self righteous, what ever you want to call me. Bottom line is that I have feelings and I get hurt just as everyone else does.
Before I go to far, I want to say that I do realize I have hurt many people's feelings. Hurt them bad. I have tried to always apologize for that when I realized that I have. To anyone who I have done wrong, I am truly sorry. I have a quick temper and a quicker mouth that gets away from me at times. I know I can't take my words or actions back and make them disappear. I would if I could. I am human just as all of you are.
Here's the thing. There are times when I can express my hurt to some and it is taken as if I am attacking, when in reality I am just expressing my hurt. I am not looking for apologies. All I am looking for is somebody to listen to me. Somebody to hear me. Somebody to understand me.
It seems that when I do express things like this, I lose friends, loved ones, and nothing I can say or do can repair it. It seems that I am not allowed to say I have been hurt. I am expected to sit quietly and listen to the many times and ways I have hurt people and to try to make it right but keep quiet afterwards.
I have learned to keep quiet when it comes to my feelings. Once in awhile I break that silence and it ends in a disaster.
So I am alone. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. I am alone in my mind, holding everything inside, all my emotions just sitting inside not able to be released.
Yes this is a whiny writing. Yes it is all about me. I am human and I can be hurt too. Nobody wants to hear that though. Bill is supposed to be quiet about such things. I can say this though, I get hit more than I hit back.
SO, to everybody I have crossed by opening my mouth, I am truly and sincerely sorry.
Take care everyone. Love you all ... some more than others. To the friends and family that I have loss because of my mouth, so sorry.
I'll go back to keeping silent when it comes to my feelings,
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