TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

 Early last week I posted on Facebook that I would no longer be sharing this blog on the platform.  There is a very serious reason for this.

It is me taking care of myself both emotionally and physically.  For those of you who are long time followers of this thing there are probably a few things you already know.  The one that is most relevant in this decision is my long term problems with depression and anxiety.

When my mind broke many years ago, I worked with doctors and therapists and psychiatrist to find a medication that would be best for me.  During this time we had some miserable failures when it came to medication but eventually we found a cocktail that worked.  For over ten years now I have been taking 150mg of Effexor XR, 200mg of Seroquel and a minimal dosage of clonazepam when needed to get me through high anxiety situations.  It had worked well.  I was doing well.  As a matter of fact I had approached psychiatrist and my therapist about the possibility of  taking the dosage of these drugs down just a little bit.  I felt confident that I was learning techniques on how to cope with situations and while I may need some medication to keep the edge off, I was definitely showing improvement.

 Let me be upfront about one thing.  Psychiatrists are not my favorite people.  I have seen four of five of them and each time they have found a way to burn me or plain just not listen.  To me, psychiatrist are the most narcissistic professional Dr that there is. The sad thing is that the people that are their clients can really be damaged more by them then any other professional.  At times, it seems they don't care.

So late fall of 2020, my then Psychiatrist informed me he would no longer accept insurance.  Not just my insurance but ANY insurance.  This is his right to do so, but such a dangerous game for the type of patients that they see.  Without insurance I would be paying this doc approximately $500 for a 10 minute phone call and a few seconds of his time to renew my prescriptions.  I can not afford that.

I made a good faith effort to my primary care doctor asking if he could take over the effexor and seroquel scripts for awhile and he did not feel comfortable with that.  And so I found myself without any scripts and felt like I had no choice but to go cold turkey off my meds.  This is not a good idea, but I felt like I didn't have much choice.

In short, the last month and a half to two months have been pure hell for me.  I have been detoxing off of some very serious drugs on my own and the detoxing side effects are not good.

Now, we all know the craziness of at least the last year and so far into this new year.  Totally bizzare. I found myself in mental places where I did not want to be and social platforms, news outlets .. everything was making my emotional state worse.  I am not pointing at liberals or conservative or anyone in particular, but it was just the whole overwhelming amount of information over running me.  As far as facebook was concerned, I was reading things posted from people, family members and friends, that were so out of character I wasn't sure I recognized them anymore.

I decided I needed a plan.  My plan had to be to simplify my life as much as possible. And thus I quit visiting Facebook.  I also quit visiting YouTube which I really use to enjoy.  I basically quit dealing with things that I didn't really need to deal with.  Things that there wasn't anything I could about it anyway.

I have improved my diet to a VERY healthy diet.  I have quit drinking coffee after 12 noon everyday.  I quit taking my usual afternoon naps so I would be able to sleep better at night.  I took up old activities that I use to love and still do.  I read a lot.  I play my piano.  I watch sporting events and fun tv shows.  I have been reacquainting my self with my DVD collection.  I try to excersize at least every other day for a bit. The highlight of each week though is on Sunday morning going out to breakfast followed but attending church services with a very dear friend every Sunday morning.  Just doing things that might help me enjoy life a little more.

What I do not do anymore ... no Facebook or social platforms of any kind.  No Youtube.  I do not watch network television.  I do not watch the "news" programs anymore. I do not listen to music anymore while falling asleep but just put my earbuds in to dampen any outside noise. Clarification, i DO listen to music quite a bit still, just not at bedtime.

I am trying to get myself healthy.  Mentally and physically.

Stopping posting or sharing this blog was not a protest or anything.  It was a health issue.  so far taking all these steps have help a little as I go through each day one step at a time.

And the thing is ... I can honestly say I do not miss Facebook, Youtube, the "news" or anything else that could bring about my anxiety or emotional problems.

SO that is what I am doing.  I am simply trying to care of myself.  Trying to survive from day to day. This is the way I feel it has to be for me right now.  FOR ME.  

I do ask you one favor though.  If we should run into each other in a store or something, please please please respect what I outlined here as to what I am trying to do.

I'll keep writing.  Writing is good for me.  It keeps me thinking and 99% of what I write is not opinion pieces anyway but rather just stories from my life as I remember them.

Hope you all can follow this, if not that is okay.  This blog was originally started as something I could do to ease my anxiety and depression anyway.  Wasn't really meant for anyone but me, but I like to share some of my memories.  I have had a lot of good memories over the years.  I have had some sad times as well.

Love y'all ... and please do take care of yourselves out there. 

Bill