IN MY MIND

"I’ll be all around in the dark – I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses they build – I’ll be there, too."
(John Steinbeck)

"I've got nothing on my mind,
Nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
And I've got nothing to regret.
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got,
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be
I'm not anymore."
(Don McLean)

"Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself."
(Richard Nixon)

"You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside"
(John Lennon)

"The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” ... PLASTIC!!
(George Carlin)

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
(Declaration of Independence) 

It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well.
(Rene Descartes)

"I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you."
(Bob Dylan)

"When they knock you down, you not only have to get up, but you have to make it clear that you won't be knocked down a second time."

(Carl Yastrzemski)

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves.

(Lenny Bruce)

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be"
(Rob Thomas)

"Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours."
(John Locke)

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
(Bill Hicks)

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
(John Adams)

"See the children of the earth
Who wake to find the table bare
See the gentry in the country
Riding off to take the air
See the jailer with his key
Who locks away all trace of sin
See the judge upon the bench
Who tries the case as best he can
See the wise and wicked ones
Who feed upon life's sacred fire
See the soldier with his gun
Who must be dead to be admired
See the man who tips the needle
See the man who buys and sells
See the man who puts the collar
On the ones who dare not tell
See the drunkard in the tavern
Stemming gold to make ends meet
See the youth in ghetto black
Condemned to life upon the street"
(Gordon Lightfoot)

"Books, in all their variety, offer the human intellect the means whereby civilization may be carried triumphantly forward."
(Winston Churchill)

"There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right."
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)

"It is well known that when you do anything, unless you understand its actual circumstances, its nature and its relations to other things, you will not know the laws governing it, or know how to do it, or be able to do it well."
(Mao Tse Tung)

"I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries"
(Paul Simon)

"Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile"
(Warren Zevon)

Plus lots more ... maybe a "Part II" in the future.

Modern Man - George Carlin

I’m a modern man
A man for the millennium
Digital and smoke free

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded
I’ve been inputted and outsourced
I know the upside of downsizing
I know the downside of upgrading

I’m a high tech lowlife
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond

I’m new wave but I’m old school
And my inner child is outward bound
I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer
Voice activated and biodegradable

I interface from a database
And my database is in cyberspace

So I’m interactive
I’m hyperactive
And from time-to-time
I’m radioactive

Behind the eight ball
Ahead of the curve
Riding the wave
Dodging a bullet
Pushing the envelope

I’m on point
On task
On message
And off drugs

I got no need for coke and speed
I got no urge to binge and purge

I’m in the moment
On the edge
Over the top
But under the radar

A high concept
Low profile
Medium range ballistic missionary
A street-wise smart bomb
A top gun bottom feeder

I wear power ties
I tell power lies
I take power naps
I run victory laps

I’m a totally ongoing big foot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach

A raging workaholic
A working rageaholic
Out of rehab
And in denial

I got a personal trainer
A personal shopper
A personal assistant
And a personal agenda

You can’t shut me up
You can’t dumb me down
‘Cause I’m tireless
And I’m wireless

I’m an alpha male on beta blockers
I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever
Laid back but fashion forward
Up front
Down home
Low rent
High maintenance
Super size
Long lasting
High definition
Fast acting
Oven ready
And built to last

I’m a hands on
Footloose
Knee jerk
Head case
Prematurely post-traumatic
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail

But I’m feeling
I’m caring
I’m healing
I’m sharing
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver

My output is down
But my income is up
I take a short position on the long bond
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow

I read junk mail
I eat junk food
I buy junk bonds
I watch trash sports
I’m gender specific
Capital intensive
User friendly
And lactose intolerant

I like rough sex
I like tough love
I use the f word in my email
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn

I bought a microwave at a mini mall
I bought a mini van in a mega store
I eat fast food in the slow lane

I’m toll free
Bite sized
Ready to wear
And I come in all sizes

A fully equipped
Factory authorized
Hospital tested
Clinically proven
Scientifically formulated medical miracle

I’ve been pre-washed
Pre-cooked
Pre-heated
Pre-screened
Pre-approved
Pre-packaged
Post-dated
Freeze-dried
Double-wrapped
Vacuum-packed
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity

I’m a rude dude
But I’m the real deal
Lean and mean
Cocked, locked and ready to rock
Rough tough and hard to bluff

I take it slow
I go with the flow
I ride with the tide
I got glide in my stride
Drivin’ and movin’
Sailin’ and spinnin’
Jivin’ and groovin’
Wailin’ and winnin’

I don’t snooze
So I don’t lose
I keep the pedal to the metal
And the rubber on the road

I party hearty
And lunch time is crunch time

I’m hanging in
There ain’t no doubt
And I’m hanging tough
Over and out.

POST NUMBER 300 !!!

This is the 300th time I have posted to this blog since I started it in October of 2010.  Since I have started I have received over 9,000 hits which works out to each entry being read approximately 30 times.  Personally, I don't think that is too bad, but I wish it were better.  I thought about this and it brought to mind how Paul Molitor of the Brewers must have felt like when he smacked his 3,000 major league hit.  The Brewers were in Kansas City playing the Royals and it was early September.  The season was coming to a close and once again the Royals had nothing at stake in the ballgame.  There were more empty seats then filled ones that night when Molitor passed that great milestone that only a handful of players do.  I imagine as he crossed first base and he heard the small spattering of applause that here he was at the top of his game, his 3,000 hit and there wasn't hardly anyone there to see it or appreciate it.

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy writing and it has been good for me.  It has given me an outlet to express myself and to recall times in my life and to share them.  Posting one writing at a time and getting 30 hits per entry is pretty good.  It hasn't been easy writing 300 items though.

Since I started this blog I have introduced you to some of my Uncles and Aunts, to some cousins and to my siblings.  I have told stories about my parents and grandparents as well as my nephews and nieces.

I have shared songs that seem to speak to me with their lyrics.  Knowing that not everyone has the same taste in music as what some of the songs may be played, I included the lyrics so that who ever is reading the song can get a feel for how I feel and why this song means something to me.  Songwriters such as John Lennon, Paul Simon and Don McLean were included with many others as they expressed their feelings and experiences in song.

I have tried to give some philosophy of some of the "comedians" in my life that took the truth and showed us how ridiculous the truth can be at times.  George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Lewis Black, Lenny Bruce are but a few of these that I have grown up listening to and appreciating their special outlook on life.

I have written a few poems of my own that have been published here and a few short stories of mine.  They are a little dark, I''ll admit, but that is how I feel a lot of the time.

Through this blog I have been able to pay homage to some people that were very important to me in my life.  My father and grandfather topping the list.  I don't think Grandpa ever really knew how much of an influence he had upon me.  He taught me how to think and how to express myself in a manner that was respectful of others views.  Okay, to be honest when he would talk he would sometimes raise his voice and express concern about how the person he was talking with could ever think the way they do, because he knew that his thinking was correct.  He listened though.  He would always listen to what his opponent had to say.  That is where the respect comes in.  He would show respect to others by giving them the courtesy of listening to them even if they were wrong, which I seemed to be most of the time.  I hope my dad knows how much he has meant to me.  He taught me so many things about life.  He taught me about not giving up.  Baseball games were never over until the last out of the last inning, you don't give up because anything can happen up to that point.  Dad taught me how to take pride in my work and to always, ALWAYS do the best you can.  He also taught me that when you are employed by somebody you give them eight hours work for eight hours pay.  HE showed me that you can work through things even when the pain of working through them is too much to bear. Both he and Grandpa taught me the value of honesty.  They both taught me the value of being able to be counted on.  They taught me a man is as good as his word, and both of them lived under that rule and people could count on them.  These two men were, without a doubt the most influential people in my life out of ALL the other influential people.  I consider myself so lucky to have had them in my life.

I have shared things about my home life, both as an adult and as a child growing up.  I have shared some of my interactions with others, some good, others not so good.  I have tried, but feel I come up short, of describing who I am, How I am and why I am that way.  I have a feeling I'll be opening up a little more as I continue with this blog.

I have expressed the love I have for Kansas City, the love I have for Missouri and the love I have for this great nation that we call The United States Of America.  I have also expressed concerns I have for my city, state and country.

I have written entries and then deleted them, censoring myself or being censored by others.  I try to remember that "words mean things" and to put that into practice with every piece I write.

I have a lot of stories left to tell and a lot more thoughts to express.  These first 300 entries is only the beginning I hope.  I do appreciate all that read this little space.  It isn't very well written and certainly not the most exciting blog there is.  There isn't a lot of controversy here or a lot of excitement.  This thing is just stories of life, feelings of life, and thoughts of life.

I hope you have gotten at least a little something out of reading it as I have gotten a little something out of writing it.  I hope you stick around and read some more.  I am not use to opening myself up like I do on this blog.  It is your best chance to get to really know me.

Hopefully the next 300 entries will at least match the past 300 entries.  I promise to do my best in being open, honest and to dig a little deeper into myself to share it with those that hang around here once in a while.

Thanks for sticking with me this long.  My next goal is to get to 500 entries.  I think I can do it.

WHC

Mr. Carlin Hasn't Visited The Blog For Awhile

All quotes by George Carlin

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected

I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain

I’m in shape. Round is a shape

I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

MEETING LENNY BRUCE

Once upon a time, long long ago, there were places where people would congregate to watch movies under the stars.  The screens were huge an it was a little difficult for the projectionist to focus the image of the film very sharply.

People would drive to these theaters and park upon little hills that resembled speed bumps.  The people would park their cars in an arc around the huge screen and park the car on the hill so that they could see the screen sitting back in a comfortable position without the rear view mirror getting in the way.

They were called drive in theaters.  At one time I can remember approximately twenty to thirty drive in theaters in the Kansas City area.  As the popularity of the drive ins grew, some of them added a second screen.  This would allow you to watch two movies at one time.  The problem was you could only listen to one of the movies.  There were poles sticking out of the ground every where that a car could park.  The speaker would be taken off the pole and hung on the window of the car.  It had a little knob that controlled the volume.  The sound quality was horrible.  You could get better sound from an AM radio then you could from one of these speakers.

Sometime late in the last century the popularity of the drive ins began to fall off.  They would soon try all kinds of things to keep making money.  One of the drive ins in Kansas City began to show X-rated movies.  It was a drive in theater that was located in what use to be Fairyland Park, a very popular amusement park long before in Kansas City.  A place where families use to go to all the time to ride the Wildcat roller coaster and other rides and would stay for a movie was now an adult film house under the stars.  They were able to get away with it because the screen was hidden back in the woods in the midst of lots of trees.

Other drive ins began trying to bring back the younger set to their screens.   They began showing films that had run through the new multi-screen theaters that were going up all through the suburbs drawing the movie watchers back inside.  There were advantages to going back inside to watch movies.  The seats were more comfortable, you didn't have to deal with rain storms that would blur the screens and, of course they were air conditioned.

Still there was a certain magic that the drive ins had and young people.  You could take all the snacks in with you that you wanted.  You could expect a little privacy when you were with your girl.  You could talk back to the movie when you were with a lot of friends or not have to listen to others talking back to the movie in other cars.

The biggest draw to the younger set was the midnight showings of old cult movies.  One of our favorite theaters to show Saturday night midnight flicks was the old 63rd street drive in.  They would come up with some of the strangest movies that you had never seen and probably would not see again.  They showed the classics of course like "Reefer Madness" and the like along with lots of shorts. among these you would likely be able to see the Three Stooges on the big big screen.

It was at the 63rd Street Drive In where I first met Lenny Bruce.  There were several of us in the car that night.  Mike was driving while Larry, Barb and myself rode along.  When you went to a midnight showing, you had to wait until the regular movie goers had left after watching the feature.  The entrance to the 63rd Street was long and it was steep.  Mike had a car that did not have a parking brake and so as we waited to get into the drive in, we had to put rocks under the back wheels to keep the car from rolling back down.

We finally made it into the theater and before long the midnight cult movies began to be shown.  This particular night would be a night that would add to my lifetime philosophy in a very big way.  They started off with a couple of shorts followed by a so called "Feature" film.  Then the moment I would long remember happened.

It was an animated short called "Thank You Masked Man".  It was a satirical look at the Lone Ranger and Tonto.  It was meant to be funny with a little bit of shock value.  I watched it and I enjoyed it a lot.  Larry and I began to quote some of the lines on a routine basis from that day forward.  As the credits for the little cartoon rolled I noticed a name that was given credit for writing, producing, and all of the voices in the short.  The name was that of Lenny Bruce.  It was the first time I had heard of Lenny Bruce and the first bit of his that I had heard and I liked what I had heard.

I did not go looking for more Lenny Bruce material after that night but I never forgot it either.  Then Dustin Hoffman did a film called simply "Lenny".  I read the ads about the film.  The story of one of the modern ages tragedies.  The story of a philosopher for the ages.  The story of Lenny Bruce and his trials and tribulations.

I went and saw it on it's first run.  Hoffman brought Lenny Bruce to life in one of his better performances.  In the film I heard more of Lenny's routines for the first time.  He had fought the system for freedom of speech and freedom of thought.  Between my first introduction to him back at the drive in and the eye opening film that told what Lenny was all about I became very interested in him.  When I heard George Carlin say that his main influence was Lenny Bruce, I became a fan.

Lenny and I share a birthday. We were both born on October 13.  Lenny was born 31 years before I was.  He died on August third when I was ten years old.  Lenny's intellect and philosophy spanned the generations though and it still does.  He fought for constitutional freedoms that were promised but suppressed.  Thanks to Lenny Bruce we were given George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Lewis Black, Margaret Cho, Sam Kinison and Kevin Smith.  Doors were opened and doors were walked through.

The 63rd Street Drive In still is there but there is no screen and there are no movies shown.  It is a swap and shop on the weekends now.  But the old sign that use to light up the night still stands indicating that it is indeed still the 63rd Street Drive In.

Still today when I drive by the 63rd Street Drive In on my way to the office, I often think of the night I met Lenny Bruce for the first time.

George Carlin - Quote 11

Have you ever noticed that when you are torturing a person, after a while you get real tired and you don't know what to do to him next?  Then you think of something, and you sort of get your energy back?

I DISAGREE WITH GEORGE CARLIN?

If you know me at all or have been following this blog over the last couple of months you probably have come to the realization that I am a huge fan of George Carlin.  Carlin would take a simple observation and give it a spin that made you stop and think.  There were those who came before him such as Lenny Bruce that inspired Carlin and those that came after him who Carlin inspired for example Bill Hicks and Lewis Black.

I love Carlin's philosophies and how he laid it out in what seemed to be perfect logic.  I loved the way he would look at the human condition and exaggerate it until it was so outrageous that a person would start to wonder if humans really were that bizarre  I found it as astonishing to me as you probably are finding it that I disagreed with Carlin on a few things.  So Mr. Carlin, wherever you are, give me a listen and a chance to explain.  By the way I have a pretty good idea of where George may be in the afterlife and I pray that I never get the chance to meet him in about twenty years or so.

Carlin was performing one of his classic HBO specials one night when I heard him lay down the law that "white people have no right to play the blues."  He went on to lay down a scalding blast aimed towards John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd for their Blues Brothers act.  I understand where he was coming from as far as the Blues Brothers were concerned.  Not only were they playing the blues as an act instead of seriously, but Ackroyd had opened up a "House of Blues" club that was suppose to give blues artists a venue to perform their art.  It is like calling Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show" real news.

No one knows when or where the blues started but it was probably on the front porch of some old black preacher in southern Louisiana. I can picture the old man having lost his wife to a disease and finding himself in sudden loneliness took leave of his church to travel around the south sharing his great lost love in the form of song.  Certainly there was a time in which the blues were written and performed by people who were writing songs from broken hearts and broken lives and performing them with all the heart felt sadness that enveloped them.

Robert Johnson came on the scene as probably the first well known blues singer.  Legend has it that Johnson had sold his soul to the devil in order to be able to play guitar with the skill that he had acquired.  It is said that Johnson never let anyone actually see him play guitar but always had his back to the audience in the clubs or the recording studio.  If the legend is true then Robert Johnson probably most definite had a good reason for singing the blues.  He died at the young age of twenty seven.  There are many stories about how he died but  as far as I know, none have been established as the ultimate truth.   Perhaps he did sell his sould to the devil and the devil came calling for his soul at an appointed time.

George Harrison wrote in one of his songs that "You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues and you know it don't come easy."  This was the point that Carlin was trying to make.  White people had not payed their dues.  I am sure that as privileged as the white race has been in this country in our history, there have been some white people who have paid their dues.  The black race does not have a monopoly on misery.  Hank Williams music was loosely based on the blues.  His songs are gut wrenching and full of heartbreak and sadness.  Like Robert Johnson, Hank died very young at the age of twenty nine.Could the devil have come back to harvest another soul?  Possible I think.  Carlin wrapped up his monologue by saying "It isn't enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why you are playing them."  I agree that in a short moment of musical history that this was probably the case.  That time has passed.

To me the blues have become a musical style instead of a cry for mercy as it was in its early days.  There are blues singers of every race and gender.  I do believe that to be a legitimate blues singer, you have to be able to feel the words and the notes from your heart.  Todays blues performers, the good ones, have a way of bring this sense of lost souls to their music.  B.B. King, Albert King, Buddy Guy along with Eric Clapton, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Gregg Allman and others seem to have this deep understanding of the music and the words.  They are able to pull it out from deep inside of them somehow and give us true blues in their performance.  Coincidentally, Vaughn died at the an early age as well when he was thirty five.  Perhaps the devil does have an important part that was played in the development of the blues.

The problem I have with Carlin's thinking is that he took the Blues Brothers and cast a net over a whole race of people excluding them from performing a certain style of music based solely on their race.  That is just plain not right and one of the few mistakes in the Carlin philosophy that I have found.

Everyone gets the blues.  Everyone should be able to express it once in awhile.

George Carlin - Quote 10

When taking leave of one another, we often say, "Be well."  Perhaps we should be more precise and a bit more practical.  Reasonably, we can't expect everyone to healthy all the time.  Good wishes should be more realistic:

"I hope you remain reasonably healthy during the next eighteen months or so, and if you have a stroke, I hope it only paralyzes you on one side, leaving you free to take phone calls."

I think people would appreciate such thoughtfulness and precision.

George Carlin - Quote 9

When Someone asks me how I am, I try to make my answer as specific as possible.  I'm not the type to toss off a casual, "I'm fine."  I take care to express my exact condition.  And thanks to my creative flair, I can choose from a number of options:

If I'm in a self-protective mood, a simple "guardedly well" often does the job.  I find also "tentatively keen" doesn't give too much away.  Of course, if there is the least bit of doubt, I simply rely on my old standby, the ever cautious, "I'm fairly well, comparatively speaking."  That works nicely, especially if I feel I genuinely have something to hide.

George Carlin - Quote 8

Have you ever tried to throw away a wastebasket?  You can't do it.  People keep bringing it back.  "Here, Howie, I found your wastebasket in the garbage."  Apparently, you have to completely destroy a wastebasket in order to convince people you really don't want it anymore.

George Carlin - Quote 7

You men.... The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergymen's rate.

George Carlin - Quote 6

There's an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you.  It proves you exist.  Your mere existence caused them to alter their path.  It's a nice feeling.  After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.

George Carlin Quote 5

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man with no feet.  I took his shoes.  Now I feel better.

George Carlin Quote 3

Do you ever fall asleep in the late afternoon and wake up after dark, and for a moment you can't figure out what day it is?  You actually find yourself thinking, Could this be yesterday?

George Carlin Quote 2

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.  Results like this do not belong on the resume of a supreme being.  This is the kind of stuff you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

George Carlin Quote 1

"The older I get, the more certain I am that I won't spend the rest of my life in prison."