SOME SONGS DESERVE A SECOND, OR THIRD LISTEN

I was driving home from work a few weeks ago, listening to my music when a special song started to play.  As the song ended, I reached up and triggered the CD player in the car back a step to listen to the song again.  After the song began to come to a close, I once again clicked it back to listen to it again.  It came to me that I do this quite often and began to think about that.  I don't do that to every song that comes in the queue.  I then realized that there are certain songs that, when I hear them, one listen is not enough.  The songs ends too soon.  I began to take notice as to what songs effected me in this manner.  Usually the main reason I need to listen to a certain song more than once are the lyrics but the music itself plays a big part in what makes me listen two or three times.  I made a list in my mind of these songs and thought I might share with you a few of the songs that land somewhere deep in my mind to make me decide to listen again.

The song that started this whole thinking process was a song that I have loved since I was pre-teen.  It is Simon and Garfunkel's recording of Paul Simon's "I Am A Rock".  This song, as most of Paul Simon's compositions are, has a wonderful melody.  It is a beautiful song that starts with just Simon and his guitar then slowly builds in intensity until at the very end when it goes quiet and soft and the final few lyrics are sung with just the guitar once again.  It is the last track on the duo's "Sounds Of Silence" album and what a way to end an album that is mind provoking throughout.

The lyrics tell of a person who is a loner.  The words try to justify to himself why he is such and tries to convince him that he enjoys being that way.  It opens with a statement about where he finds himself at the time these thoughts creep into his mind:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow

A rather dark and bleak picture that tends to make a person do some deep thinking.  Then comes the chorus which states the self affirmation of the individual:

I am a rock
I am an island

A simple chorus.  It is only two short lines that are emphasized at the end of each statement that makes up a verse.  I am a rock. I am strong and can withstand anything the world throws at me.  I am an island. I am my own man, my own self and I go my own way.  I think for myself and am not a follower.  It is a powerful two lines that drive his thoughts home.

In between the restating of the chorus are lines that explain why he believes he is a rock, an island.

I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
Its laughter and its loving I disdain

 I am a rock
I am an island

During the course of my life I have hid behind those self made walls.  It is difficult for people to get to know me.  I have spent years building them and over the last several years I have been trying to deconstruct them, to raze them though without much success.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried

I have loved and lost at love before.  It does hurt.  I was lucky to find a lasting love when I met Barbara and it was good.  Three years ago in July I found myself losing love once again as Barbara passed away and once again, losing a love hurt.  This one almost crushed me.  I did cry.  I cried by myself in a darkened quiet house.  I still do every now and again.

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

Ah, books and poetry.  Yes I do have my books and I have poetry.  Robert Frost's writings have brought out feelings in me as long as I have been reading it seems.  John Steinbeck effects me much in the same way.  Poems and novels full of life, meaning and lessons to be learned.  I revisit them often.  Then I also have my music whether I am playing it or listening.  Music comforts me.  I find music almost everywhere I listen.  A train rolling down the tracks behind Paul's Drive-in blowing it's whistle, well I guess they aren't whistles anymore.  Horns.  Still it is a wonderful sound.  Music is everywhere if you listen and pay attention.  I can get lost in the music and the words that I have at my disposal.  They do protect me from what is out there.  My house is my "womb".  It is where I feel safe and am comfortable.  Not a lot of people get into my house anymore.  It is sanctuary to me.  For an individual to get into that inner sanctum, I seem to require that I can trust you with my special place.

I am a rock
I am an island

And then .... and then quietly he tells himself why he feels he has to be a rock.  Why he has to be an island.  The last few lines are sung softly with just a few quiet acoustic guitar chords that are even softer than the voice as he reflects on how he has to see himself in life.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries 

I can't feel pain.  I can't afford to.  I will not cry for that would show the world too much of who I truly am, how I truly feel, how lonely I truly am.

Since I first heard this song I found that I saw a lot of myself in those words and thoughts.  As I grew older I could relate deeper with them.  When I hear that song, that wonderful beautiful song and I sing softly to myself along with the recording, I feel like I am that person and I am talking to myself.  For most people this song is not that high on the list of songs that people think of when someone mentions Paul Simon or Simon and Garfunkel.  It isn't "Bridge Over Troubled Water" or "The Sound Of Silence" but to me, it is probably one of the most honest songs that Paul Simon wrote.  And so I listen to it over, and over, and over ......

I almost feel like I could end this entry at this point.  It pretty much sums it up why I feel I have to listen to a song more than once.  However there are a few more songs that lose me in what they mean.

Warren Zevon.  That name may or may not be familiar to you.  He was a great pianist with a voice that is very distinctive in a Bob Dylan kind of way if you get my meaning. You might be familiar with his biggest selling song entitled "Werewolves Of London".  Yeah, that was the kind of songs he wrote for the most part.  As humorous and eclectic as his songwriting was, if you read between the lines, he always had a message in t here.  You had to search for that message pretty hard at times but the lessons were there.  He made quite a few appearances on The Letterman Show where he was able to reach people who otherwise never would hear many of his songs. His albums were not top sellers and not many of his songs cracked the top forty.  Then came 2002/2003 and his song writing became very retrospective.

In late 2002 Warren Zevon was diagnosed with Mesothelioma.  A cancer of the lungs.  Zevon was only 55 years old when diagnosed and that diagnoses would reach it's conclusion on September 7, 2003 when he was 56.  He decided to put out one more album.  The album titled "The Wind" was a work of passion.  His passion for life, poetry, music and love.  With this final chapter Zevon would bare his soul as he had never done before.  You did not have to read too deeply between the lines to get his message in these songs.  It is a beautiful album that is sad.  It is sad yet celebratory.  It is Warren looking back and looking forward and sharing what he sees and feels.

The song off of this swan song album is a message to his wife, friends and possibly his fans called "Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile".  It is a song telling us he is dying and how he wants us to carry on after he is gone.  It really needs no explanation or interpretation.  It is clear what he is trying to say.  There is no word twisting or assimilation, just feelings straight from his gut and his heart.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called "when all is said and done"
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile 

I'll be honest with you.  This song always brings a lump to my throat.  It is difficult for me to sing along to.  Most times I start to sing, but then I just listen to Warren opening up his thoughts and his heart to the world.  What a special message to leave his loved ones and friends.  "The Wind" is Zevon's farewell and this song sums up the entirety of the album.  Often when I listen to this song my mind wanders to Barbara.  This is what she would want me to do.  I know that.  "If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less".  I can hear Barb saying that to me.  "Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house Maybe you'll think of me and smile".  I can hear her saying that as well and I do think of her and smile.  

Warren Zevon is no longer here on this earth.  The words of his farewell will live on for a long time though.  The words say more then even Zevon could put into words.  I have the feeling that as he finished this song he still probably thought it doesn't say what he is feeling quite strong enough.  And so I listen to this song over, and over and over ......

Leonard Cohen also did a swan song album before his death and I highly recommend to all my readers to listen to it if you get the chance.  It is a short album recorded in his apartment from his favorite chair in his last days.  It is a short album but powerful.  He speaks of his impending death, his faith, old loves and things he did not understand.  The name of this last album is "You Want It Darker". I'll give you just a small taste from "You Want It Darker".  This a verse from the song "Treaty" on that album.  Maybe it will give you a sense of Cohen at the end.

I've seen you change the water into wine
I've seen you change it back to water, too
I sit at your table every night
I try but I just don't get high with you
I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I'm angry and I'm tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

I think Zevon's swan song serves this purpose and I have a quite a few Cohen songs that get repeated depending on my mood.  The one that I think really catches me is called "The Tower Of Song".   In this song Cohen gives us a peek into the mind of a songwriter.  He gives insight into sacrifices made for the craft.

Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

The tower of song.  Writers often isolate while they are working.  They have a special room or house away from all the distractions of the world so their creativity can flow.  When he wrote this song he had been writing for a long time.  He was starting to age.  He has lost friends either to his art or death.  He wants love but he is too busy to bother with it.  The rent?  Every song he writes while locked away in the tower.

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song 

This is one of my favorite verses in the song.  It suggests there in this tower, there is a hierarchy among the artists.  As great of a songwriter as Cohen was, he saw Hank Williams as ranking 100 floors above him.  That, my friends, is a humble man and that is what makes this verse, to me, so special.

I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song

Again, his talent is not of his making.  It is a gift from God.  He felt blessed and grateful for this gift that came at such a price to him. He accepted the gift and paid the price.  That says a lot about who he was.

So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song

Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgment coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song

I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never, we'll never have to lose it again

These three verses spell out what that price was.  The sacrifice of losing loves many times.  The sorting out of the voices of creativity.  No woman can come between a songwriter and his songs.  In a way, the gift he was given was his true love I suppose.  It was what gave him pleasure.

Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
They're moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song

Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

And so the song ends.  Continuing to pay his rent in the tower creating songs and words until the day he died.  I think the reason this song connects with me is that need to create.   Now I am in no way saying I create as great as  Leonard Cohen did.  If Leonard Cohen thought that Hank Williams was a hundred floors above him, then Leonard Cohen is somewhere along the lines of an infinite number of floors above me.  But I do like to write.  I am not as talented with my writing as he was with his music, but it gives me pleasure.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy people reading my writing.  I feel like if I can contribute just a little something to someone's life, I may have accomplished something and so I listen to song over and over and over ....

Thinking about Hank Williams now since Mr. Cohen paid tribute to him in that last song.  Cohen was correct.  The world has produced some great songwriters over the centuries.  Some stand a little higher than others.  Gershwin, Carmichael, Rodgers and Hammerstein so many great songwriters that rank at the top not to mention the jazz and classical composers.  For my money, Hank Williams is right up there at the top with the best of them.  The lyrics that he writes are some of the most heart wrenching love songs ever written and the music that goes with those wonderful words, the melodies, is absolutely gorgeous.  Over the last 68 years since his death it seems like everyone in the music world has covered his songs and each time the song is beautiful.  Now that I think about it, it could be almost impossible to ruin a Williams song.  You can't help but find your soul being pulled into the songs whether listening or singing.  It grabs by the shirt collar and immerses you into the emotion that those songs carry with them.  My personal Hank tune and a song I consider one of the greatest popular songs ever written is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Like Warren Zevon's song discussed earlier, this masterpiece does not need to be thought about what he is trying to say.  It is straight in your face as most of his numbers are.  Hank didn't play games with words.  He wrote what he felt and did it in such a way that it speaks to everyone who gives the time to listen.  So my friends, Hank Williams' "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I've never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves began to die?
Like me, he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry 

It is not a long song.  It is short and straight to the point.  It has that Hank Williams magic embedded into it and so I listen to this song over and over and over .....

I think you get the idea of why some songs, such  as these, make feel like I want more of that.  The song is over way too soon.  There are not a lot of songs that have this effect on me.  I would guess maybe 15 or less.  My mood at the time has a lot to do with it as well.  Some of those artist that I can say gives me a song or two include John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Jim Croce, John Denver, Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, Harry Chapin, Graham Parsons, Neil Young (I really feel like I should have shared one of his songs.  Listen to "The Needle And The Damage Done" or "Long May You Run" to get a sampling).  These artists, these craftsmen have given the world a part of their soul.  I am so glad that they did that for us.  It is that part of themselves that dwell in some of these songs that make me listen to them over and over and over ....

THIRTY GREATEST SONGS OF THE MODERN ERA

I came across a video on YouTube of the incredible Norah Jones singing from her house on a spinet piano a Hank Williams tune.  Now Hank wrote a lot of great music, a lot of beautiful music with lyrics that are as beautiful and somber as the music that accompanies them are.  Hank was special.

I thought to myself, this has GOT to be one of the greatest songs of the modern era, and posted it on Facebook relaying my feelings.  I then got to wondering if I could possible come up with a list of the greatest songs that I am familiar with.  It would have to be more than just the music and more than just the lyrics.  It would have to contain both to qualify.  Beautiful lyrics and beautiful music.  A list of perfect songs.  I am going to try to make it a list of twenty of songs that I am familiar with.  I am sure that there are many songs out there that I have not heard yet and I would welcome suggestions of songs so that I can expend my music knowledge.  So let's give this a shot.

I tried to keep it to a list of ten songs but that proved to be impossible.  There have been so many wonderful songs over the years that I eventually decided on keeping the list to thirty with some honorable mentions plus a separate list of my favorite hymns.  A lot of the hymns are pretty old and may not fit into the modern era category.  The criteria I used was a two prong test.  Fifty percent of the score would be based on the music and fifty percent on the quality of the lyrics.  Any song that uses "YEAH YEAH YEAH" probably wouldn't qualify (sorry John and Paul)  Another thing to keep in mind when looking at this list is the mood I was in while searching out these songs.  Chances are you won't find any distorted guitars on the list or pounding drum solos.  The list of songs are not necessarily in a particular order from best to worst.  It was hard enough narrowing the list down to thirty without then trying to decide which was better than another.

SO ... here are thirty songs that to me, are masterpieces that are timeless.  These songs have stood the test of time for the most part.

01. O Holy Night - Adolphe Adam
02. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry - Hank Williams
03. Run For The Roses - Dan Fogelberg
04. White Christmas - Irving Berlin
05. Forever Young - Bob Dylan
06. Am I Blue -  ‎Harry Akst‎; ‎Grant Clarke
07. Danny Boy (Londonderry Air) - Frederic Weatherly (Lyrics)
08. The Very Thought Of You - Roy Noble
09. Something - George Harrison
10. Send In The Clowns - Stephen Sondheim

11. We'll Meet Again - Ross Parker, Hughie Charles
12. Come Rain Or Come Shine - Harold Arlen; Johnny Mercer
13. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
14. Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain - Fred Rose
15. Faded Love - Bob, John and Billy Jack Wills
16. Will The Circle Be Unbroken - Ada R. Habershon; Charles H. Gabriel
17. In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning -  David Mann; Bob Hilliard
18. Time In A Bottle - Jim Croce
19. Crossroads - Don McLean
20. Yesterday - John Lennon; Paul McCartney

21. The Wayward Wind - Stanley Lebowsky; Herb Newman
22. Dream - Johnny Mercer
23. Christmas Time Is Here - Lee Mendelson; Vince Guaraldi
24. How Great Thou Art - Carl Boberg
25. Where Or When - Richard Rodgers; Lorenz Hart
26. You Don't Know Me - Cindy Walker; Eddy Arnold
27. Somewhere Over The Rainbow -  Harold Arlen; Yip Harburg
28. What A Wonderful World - George David Weiss; Bob Thiele
29. Crying - Roy Orbison; Joe Melson
30. Chances Are - Robert Allen; Al Stillman

I think this is a pretty impressive list.  Remember the lyrics have to be as great as the music is and these songs have words that will tear at your heart. I love these songs.  Some of you might scoff at Bob Dylan making this list but his "Forever Young" has a beautiful melody if you can get past his vocals and the lyrics are very inspirational.  

There are a lot of songs that just didn't quite cut into the top thirty.  A big reason they may have not made the list is that they are still relatively new songs in the history of music.  Here are a few of them.

01. Both Sides Now - Joni Mitchell
02. Remember When The Music - Harry Chapin
03. I Only Have Eyes For You - Harry Warren; Al Dubin
04. When I'm Gone - Sandra Emory Lawrence
05  All Or Nothing At All - Arthur Altman; Jack Lawrence
06. Bridge Over Troubled Water - Paul Simon
07. The Summer Wind -  Heinz Meier; Johnny Mercer
08. He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - Bobby Scott; Bob Russell
09. Song For You - Leon Russell
10. But Not For Me - George Gershwin; Ira Gershwin

Of course, the list could go on and on and on.  These are special.  These songs all have played a role in my life at one time or another.  I hear these songs and some can make me teary as they take me to places my mind has been.   The newest song of these forty listed is in the honorable mention but I am sure will move into one of the all time greats.  It is a song introduced to me by friends and family at the time of Barbara's death.  "When I'm Gone" was recorded by Joey + Rory and it means the world to me because of the time in which it entered my life. Music is such a wonderful gift that God has given us.

Now for a small list of hymns that have been a part of my life as long as I can remember.  These hymns bring out emotions in me as I listen to the words and how they express the love of God and all that He has done for us.  How God carries us through difficult times and how we can depend on God to follow through with His promises that He gave us.  I am not even going to put a number next to them.  All of the lyrics to these songs are equally important and meaningful.

Amazing Grace
Holy Holy Holy
In The Garden
It Is Well
Just A Closer Walk With Thee
Just As I Am
When I Survey The Wondrous Cross
Were You There...
What A Friend We Have In Jesus 
Blessed Assurance
Blest Be The Tie That Binds 
Sweet Hour Of Prayer 
For The Beauty Of The Earth
I Need Thee Every Hour

So many hymns.  Wonderful songs of Praise and Faith.  All of those hymns I listed come from my childhood, songs that I was raised hearing every Sunday.  Those songs are an integral part of my life.  My philosophy on many things in life are grounded in those hymns.  These are hymns that generations past of my family have sung and pondered and were comforted by.  Hymns are almost magic as they bring us back after wandering afar.  I can not imagine music without hymns being a huge part of the discussion.

Well, my purpose in writing this was to lighten up a little for my readers.  I hope I accomplished that.  I hope you learned why I love music so very much.  I hope that if there is a song you are not familiar with, you will go in search for it and listen.  Consider it my gift to you to introduce you to something new.  You know, something can be 100 years old and still be brand new to somebody.

Thank you for letting me write this to you.  Thank you for looking them over.  Let me know if there is a song that you think should be one of the greatest ever.  I am always anxious to listen to music I may not have been familiar with.  

You all take care now.  Enjoy some music.

God Bless every one of you.

Bill 

SHOULD HAVE HAVE BEEN DOUBLE ALBUMS

This is a subject that has rolled around in my mind for a very long time.  Not often, but once in a great while, an artist or band put out two albums back to back that become a defining moment in time for the artist.  Every now and then two albums are released that are so good, close to masterpieces, that it is difficult to separate the two albums from each other.

Other than live albums, the first group to thrive on double albums was Chicago.  Their first three albums were double and they needed to be.  It was those three albums that threw Chicago into the forefront of rock in the late sixties and early seventies.  Chicago is often compared to Al Kooper's Blood Sweat and Tears because of the huge presence of horns giving their recordings a touch of jazz into the rock and roll.  Where Chicago and Blood Sweat and Tears part ways is that Chicago using the double album format were able to actually record jazz and introduce the rock and pop world to the world of jazz.  They still had their rock singles from those albums but when the listener purchased the album they were gifted with a mixture that no other bands were doing.  Their fourth album was a FOUR record set of live performances from those first three albums.  As Chicago was starting to prepare for the fifth album, Columbia Records made it known that Chicago was big enough now that the company was losing profits on the double album format and it seemed that casual Chicago fans were starting to think it a bit too much music to absorb and frankly, the public were starting to hesitate on dishing out the price for a double record from Chicago.  So Chicago made the fifth album their first single record.  The effect of this was a great album but at the expense of a lot of the jazz influence.  The album were all songs that would play on AM radio.  The public apparently was grateful that they could buy a cheaper single disc from the band instead of a jazz filled double record.  It changed the overall Chicago sound that would progress through time and Chicago was never the same band that they were during those first three albums.

I have always thought that an artist could stand to put out at least one double record once in a great while that would have created some absolutely awesome albums that would rocket up the charts.  This piece is about a few select set of albums that would fit together wonderfully as a double record set.  Some groups have done this as Bob Dylan did with "Blonde On Blonde", The Beatles "White Album", Elton John "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and ELO did "Out Of The Blue" as very successful double records.

So let's start at the top.

The Beatles: "Rubber Soul" and "Revolver"
These two albums are special in The Beatles discography.  They seem to slowly divide the old Beatles sound with the new sound that would lead to the Sgt Pepper's album.  This was the beginning of the metamorphosis  of the Beatles when they began to experiment with different sounds and Harrison became more involved in creating the new sound.

Tracks for "Rubber Soul":
1. Drive My Car
2. Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)
3. You Won't See Me
4. Nowhere Man
5. Think For Yourself
6. The Word
7. Michelle
8. What Goes On
9. Girl
10. I'm Looking Through You
11. In My Life
12. Wait
13. If I Needed Someone
14. Run For Your Life

Tracks for "Revolver":
1. Taxman
2. Eleanor Rigby
3. Love You To
4. Here, There And Everywhere
5. Yellow Submarine
6. She Said She Said
7. Good Day Sunshine
8. For No One
9. I Want To Tell You
10. Got To Get You Into My Life
11. Tomorrow Never Knows

Quite a line up of tunes and it ends with a very Sgt Pepper's sound in Tomorrow Never Knows.  These two albums, when played back to back, sounds seamless between the two records.

Bob Dylan: "Blood On The Tracks" and "Desire"
These two albums still have a little political content included but what ties these two albums together is not only the greatness of the songs between the two, but Dylan goes into full story telling mode.  They are entertaining because of this.  You are listening to not only songs, but stories and it began a new style for Dylan.

Tracks for "Blood On The Tracks":
1. Tangled Up In Blue
2. Simple Twist Of Fate
3. You're a Big Girl Now
4. Idiot Wind
5. You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go
6. Meet Me In The Morning
7. Lilly, Rosemary and The Jack Of Hearts
8. If You See Her Say Hello
9. Shelter From The Storm
10. Buckets Of Rain

Tracks for "Desire":
1. Hurricane
2. Isis
3. Mozambique
4. One More Cup Of Coffee
5. Oh Sister
6. Joey
7. Romance In Durango
8. Black Diamond Bay
9. Sara

Bob Seger "Night Moves" and "Stranger In Town":

These albums show Seger at his absolute best, his peak.  While he did do some great albums later, every song on these two albums are Seger classics.  Personally, I can not listen to one without wanting to listen to the other right after it.  You can shuffle all the songs on these two albums and it still sounds perfect, each song having the sound that it belongs on the album.  It was his live album released right before these two that brought him into the main stream of rock, but these two albums cemented his presence there.  While Seger would have a few more classic albums, none surpassed the quality of music that these two hold.

Tracks for "Night Moves":
1. Rock and Roll Never Forgets
2. Night Moves
3. The Fire Down Below
4. Sunburst
5. Sunspot Baby
6. Mainstreet
7. Come To Poppa
8. Ship Of Fools
9. Mary Lou

Tracks for "Stranger In Town":
1. Hollywood Nights
2. Still The Same
3. Old Time Rock and Roll
4. Till It Shines
5. Feel Like A Number
6. Ain't Got No Money
7. We've Got Tonight
8. Brave Strangers
9. The Famous Final Scene

Bad Company: "Bad Co" and "Straight Shooter"

Imagine a new band coming on to the scene.  The vocals sound familiar but you can't really place who it is until you see them.  That was the case with Bad Company.  Paul Rogers was in a band named "Free" who had one hit song "All Right Now" and people liked it.  They loved it.  But the band wasn't working out and Rogers wanted more freedom to do what he wanted to do and so he formed Bad Company.  The first album was a smash and by the end of their first tour as an opening act, fans were wondering why they weren't headlining.  Then within a year the second album "Straight Shooter" is released and it is, by most pundits, better than the first album and Bad Company's second tour had them as the headliners.  Every song on these two albums are instantly noticed as a Bad Company song and each one of these songs has fans asking "Why wasn't that a single?  These two albums go hand in hand with each other.  Bad Company would never again have a backlog of songs to release all at one time and the group would fade a little bit after these two albums.  If this had been a double record set, it could have been their first greatest hits album.

Tracks for "Bad Co":
1. Can't Get Enough
2. Rock Steady
3. Ready For Love
4. Don't Let Me Down
5. Bad Company
6. The Way I Choose
7. Movin' On
8. Seagull

Tracks for "Straight Shooter":
1. Good Lovin' Gone Bad
2. Feel Like Makin' Love
3. Weep No More
4. Shooting Star
5. Deal With The Preacher
6. Wild Fire Woman
7. Anna
8. Call On Me

Rod Stewart: "Every Picture Tells A Story" and "Never A Dull Moment"

Rod Stewart had already known some pretty good success with the group Faces with his pal Ronnie Wood before breaking out on his own.  He first few solo attempts were fairly good but overlooked as Stewart was still putting out Faces albums.  Then he decided to make a full break and focus on a solo project.  The result was the epic "Every Picture Tells A Story" which featured one of his best known songs "Maggie May"  The album is non-stop good with a different sound than the Faces had.  It is considered one of the greatest albums of all time and I still consider it so.  Within a year he did the follow up "Never A Dull Moment" which had some cover songs that Stewart breathed new life into.  The second of the two seemed to pick up where the first one left off.  In this case again, when put together, these two disc sound like they came off of the same album.  I think if Stewart had released these as a double disc would have really shot his solo career to a point where it would take a few more years to achieve.
 
Tracks for "Every Picture Tell A Story":
1. Every Picture Tells A Story
2. Seems Like A Long Time
3. That's All Right
4. Tomorrow Is A Long Time
5. Maggie May
6. Mandolin Wind
7. I'm Losing You
8. Reason To Believe

Tracks for "Never A Dull Moment":
1. True Blue
2. Lost Paraguayos
3. Mama You Been On My Mind
4. Italian Girls
5. Angel
6. Interludings
7. You Wear It Well
8. I'd Rather Go Blind
9. Twistin' The Night Away

Well I have some other ideas but they would not have worked out due to the circumstances surrounding the times.  I could see Elton John double up "Don't Shoot Me" with "Honky Chateau" but he already had "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" in the planning stages.  Eagles "On The Border" and  "One Of These Nights" would have been a classic double set, but then they would have been out of material waiting for Joe Walsh to come along.  In the seventies, when there were so many great rock albums coming out, the possibilities are infinite for possible double record sets.  These that I selected I feel would have really made a difference in the discography of the seventies.  They individual albums that seem to have a sibling type disc to go along as a double.

Next time you listen to one of your discs, think of one that truly is a companion disc and think what it would have been like if the two had been released simultaneously as a double record set.

This was a short and not too deep entry but one that I wanted to do just to put an idea out there.  Hope you enjoyed.

IN MY MIND

"I’ll be all around in the dark – I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses they build – I’ll be there, too."
(John Steinbeck)

"I've got nothing on my mind,
Nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
And I've got nothing to regret.
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got,
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be
I'm not anymore."
(Don McLean)

"Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself."
(Richard Nixon)

"You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside"
(John Lennon)

"The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” ... PLASTIC!!
(George Carlin)

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
(Declaration of Independence) 

It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well.
(Rene Descartes)

"I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you."
(Bob Dylan)

"When they knock you down, you not only have to get up, but you have to make it clear that you won't be knocked down a second time."

(Carl Yastrzemski)

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves.

(Lenny Bruce)

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be"
(Rob Thomas)

"Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours."
(John Locke)

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
(Bill Hicks)

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
(John Adams)

"See the children of the earth
Who wake to find the table bare
See the gentry in the country
Riding off to take the air
See the jailer with his key
Who locks away all trace of sin
See the judge upon the bench
Who tries the case as best he can
See the wise and wicked ones
Who feed upon life's sacred fire
See the soldier with his gun
Who must be dead to be admired
See the man who tips the needle
See the man who buys and sells
See the man who puts the collar
On the ones who dare not tell
See the drunkard in the tavern
Stemming gold to make ends meet
See the youth in ghetto black
Condemned to life upon the street"
(Gordon Lightfoot)

"Books, in all their variety, offer the human intellect the means whereby civilization may be carried triumphantly forward."
(Winston Churchill)

"There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right."
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)

"It is well known that when you do anything, unless you understand its actual circumstances, its nature and its relations to other things, you will not know the laws governing it, or know how to do it, or be able to do it well."
(Mao Tse Tung)

"I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries"
(Paul Simon)

"Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile"
(Warren Zevon)

Plus lots more ... maybe a "Part II" in the future.

BOB DYLAN AND THE NOBEL

Since 1901 the Nobel Organization has awarded 113 prizes for Literature.  When I stop to think about it, over the last 115 years only 113 authors have been selected to be the recipients of this prestigious award.  I looked over a complete list of these authors and discovered that I had actually only read 17 of these men and women who used literature as a means for promoting new ideas in philosophy, poetry and general humanitarianism.   I haven't even heard of well more than half of the names on the list.  Until this year the most recent Literature Nobel that I had read was awarded in 1983 to William Golding whose "Lord Of The Flies" I have read.  Most of the authors that have been read by myself were from the twenties to the fifties.  These are the seventeen Nobel Literature authors that I have read over my lifetime:

Bob Dylan 2016
William Golding 1983
Isaac Bashevis Singer 1978
Saul Bellow 1976
Jean-Paul Sartre 1964
John Steinbeck 1962
Albert Camus 1957
Ernest Hemingway 1954
Sir Winston Churchill 1953
William Faulkner 1949
Pearl Buck 1938
Eugene O'Neill 1936
Sinclair Lewis 1930
Thomas Mann 1929
George Bernard Shaw 1925
William Butler Yeats 1923
Rudyard Kipling 1907

The Nobel committee assesses who will win the prize for literature on the whole of a writers work.  It is not based on just one book or work as the Pulitzer Prize does.  The committee each year gives an explanation of why a certain writer is  awarded the prize.  I read all of the explanations of all the literature winners over the years and there seems to be one thing in common.  Their works promote a philosophy that addresses the state of mankind and to expose the failings and victories of mankind to help promote the betterment of the human race throughout the world.

There are novelists on that list as well as poets, historians and philosophers.   There is one that is different from all the others though.  This years recipient is Bob Dylan who is a singer/songwriter.

The literature world exploded when the Nobel announced Dylan's awarding of the prize.  A songwriter?  Sentiments ran deep and one writer suggested that if that is the case they might as well put Hemingway in the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame.  Songwriting is not literature and fears were expressed that there will now be a flood of songwriters being considered and receiving the Nobel for literature.

The explanation the Nobel gave for awarding the prize to Dylan was this:

"for having created new poetic expressions within the great American song tradition"

They considered his lyrics as poetry, which they are.  His canon of work dates all the way back to the late fifties which means that for at least the last fifty five or so years, Bob Dylan has been writing and recording songs that speak of individual rights that all men should be made available to.  The vast majority of his songs, or poems, deal with human conditions that have changed over the years.  He has written about civil rights.  He has written about the equality of man.  He has written about injustices.  He has written about political wrongs.  He has written of religion and his quest to find it.  He has written about the search for meaning and the search for truth.

If you don't like Dylan because of his style of music or because of his voice, then look up his lyrics and just read them.  Search for what the message is in each one of them.  Many people see Bob Dylan as a rebel, an instigator, a protestor and to a point he is.  Those parts of his philosophy are key to his special outlook on the American experience over the last half century.  He writes of things that need fixing.

Probably one of his most famous songs was one of his earliest.  "Blowing In The Wind" is a beautiful wonderful song but the words go deep.  The song lists problems and questions that the American people were addressing in the early sixties.  He addressed these problems and came to the conclusion at the end of each verse that "The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind..."

So what is the answer that is blowing in the wind?  Well, I am not positive what Dylan was thinking but as I have listened to that song nearly my whole life, and have sung it just as long, I have my own idea of what Dylan was trying to say.  The answer blowing in the wind was the American flag and what it stood for.  You take that flag and look at it and think of what it represents, the country it represents and the hopes that it gives us as Americans and you will find the answers in that thinking.  It is the Declaration of Independence.  It is the United States Constitution.  It is the freedom of Americans, some who have had to fight hard and give the ultimate sacrifice to save or gain that freedom and the hope of some who are still fighting for the freedom that this country strives to obtain for all of its citizenry.  That is what is blowing in the wind.  The flag and all it stands for.  Read these words and see what the answer is in your mind in this message from Dylan:

"Blowin' In The Wind"

Bob Dylan

How many roads must a man walk down
Before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail
Before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes, and how many times must the cannon balls fly
Before they're forever banned?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, and how many years can a mountain exist
Before it is washed to the sea?
Yes, and how many years can some people exist
Before they're allowed to be free?
Yes, and how many times can a man turn his head
And pretend that he just doesn't see?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

Yes, and how many times must a man look up
Before he can see the sky?
Yes, and how many ears must one man have
Before he can hear people cry?
Yes, and how many deaths will it take 'til he knows
That too many people have died?

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer is blowin' in the wind.

I don't think the literature world needs to be worried about the Nobel being plowed through by a lot of songwriters.  The Nobel does not work that way.  You have to be a very special writer that really makes hard statements that promote your beliefs.  Think about it.  Out of all of the great authors over the last century or so and only 113 of them have gained this level of recognition.  There are not that many songwriters that even approach the bar that Dylan has set for them to win a Nobel.  I sat and thought about it a long time.  I thought of all the songwriters I know and if any of them approach what Dylan has accomplished over the last fifty years.   I came up with only four names.  Woody Guthrie, Paul Simon, Neil Young and Leonard Cohen.  Those four have written a lifetimes worth of song lyrics that addresses the social condition on a very steady basis.  But those three, as good as they are, do not come close to the quality and clarity that Dylan's songs do.  I don't think we will see another songwriter receive the Nobel for Literature anytime in the near or even the far future.

Dylan is special.  His music is special but most important, his message is special.

Bob Dylan more than deserves the Nobel for Literature 2016.

HEROES - THE PASSING OF ROCK

"We could be heroes .. if just for one day....." - David Bowie

I have been thinking about writing this post since the morning I woke up, turned on the news and then I was started to make my way to start to get ready for the day I heard "David Bowie, dead at 69" and I stopped in my tracks.  David Bowie was gone and the thought came to me that all of the Bowie I had heard would be all the Bowie I would hear.  No more Bowie.  It became clear, for the first time, that the golden age of rock was coming to an end.

I know there will be people who don't agree with me about the golden age of rock thing, but for me it was.  I have always considered a generation to be twenty years.  For me the opening generation of rock and roll was from 1960 to 1980.  Those twenty years was when rock grew up and went through changes and gave us the true legends  of rock.

Yes there were the pre-1960 legends.  Those that laid the foundation for the generation that was about to burst upon the scene.  Buddy Holly, Little Richard, and Chuck Berry were a few of those whose music is the solid base for rock.  The world learned early about losing icons and having their music silenced.  Buddy Holly and Patsy Cline died in plane crashes.  All the Buddy Holly we have now is all we will ever get and to many, including me, it just isn't enough.  The Buddy Holly catalog should be much larger than it ended up being.

With the arrival of the sixties rock came into it's own with far too many artists to list here.  There were different sounds or styles depending upon where the music originated.  There was the British invasion that gave us the Beatles and the Rolling Stones early on.  Some of the American artists congregated in a city called Detroit and the Motown sound was created by Berry Gordy.  San Fransisco brought it's own sound and New York became a hotbed of song writers in the Brill Building in Hell's Kitchen who would become iconic performers in their own right.

I could write for hours on this but I could not give this period of time justice.  This piece isn't about the artist during the generation but rather the passing of a generation.  We went though losing kings and queens through accidents which robbed the world of their art long before the world was ready to let go.  We lost music to drugs and to mental illness.  Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendricks, Jim Morrison had so very much more to give but were taken.  Terry Kath, the genius and soul behind the group Chicago killed himself with a bullet shortly after the release of their fifth album.  Chicago never matched the quality of the first five albums after Kath's passing.  John Denver's brilliance in songwriting went down with his little plane one afternoon A brilliant young songwriter named Jim Croce who had just begun to be noticed by the world from his wonderful songs was in a plane that went down.  Stevie Ray Vaughn, one of the undisputed greatest guitar players in history died in a helicopter while heading to a stage.

The heroes of southern rock suffered as well.  The group Lynyrd Skynyrd took away one of the greatest voices from the south when their plane found a group of trees instead of the runway.  Duane Allman, by my standards the granddaddy of southern rock slid his motorcycle into a truck on a sunny afternoon.

Then there was John Lennon.  If you are familiar with this blog, you know how I feel abut John Lennon.  It has been thirty five years since his voice was silenced by a mentally disturbed soul.  I won't go off on a tangent about Lennon.  There are plenty of entries to read on this blog about him and his talent and his death.  The Lennon catalog is closed like so many others.  No more Lennon.

Lately though I have noticed that the first generation of rock was beginning to be effected by old age.  Joni Mitchell and her wonderful voice was silenced by disease as was Linda Ronstandt's.  Lou Reed passed away one day and I was saddened.  It didn't hit me that time was taking away our rock heroes until that morning when I heard that Bowie had died.  A couple of days later, we learned that Glenn Frey of Eagles fame had died.  This was when it hit me and believe me it hit me hard.

Bowie was one of the true geniuses of the art and definitely one of my favorites.  I truly admired Bowie and his talents.  Bowie could transform himself into different personas as his art progressed and became more diverse and finally main stream.  Bowie is not with us anymore.  He was 69.  Glenn Frey was 67.  Lou Reed was 71.  George Harrison was 58.

I began to think of other rock icons, heroes and realized that most are in their 70's, and closing in on their 80's.  Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Pete Townsend, Paul Simon, Rod Stewart, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton, Neil Diamond, Carol King, James Taylor, Steven Tyler, Jackson Browne, Robert Plant, John Fogerty plus many many others are more or less in a race against time, a race to continue to produce their art while they still can.

As far as this generation thing goes, I consider U2 to be the last of the generation of 1960-1980.  The Magic Generation.  The star of U2, Bono, is 55.  Bono is still producing art and hopefully he will be for a very long time but there is this thing about time.

You see "Time waits for no one"  as the Stones told us many many years ago.  We never know when another of these great artists from that great generation will be silenced and there will be no more of their art to appreciate.

When Bono leaves us, the great generation of rock will have come to an end.

Rock on people.  Rock on while you still can.

That includes you Mom and Dad.

JUST FACTS, NOT A "WOE IS ME" ENTRY

I don’t push people away …. I have got to be the most misunderstood person around.  Misunderstood or not known.  People don’t me.  Not the real me, the me that is deep inside, the me that they hurt without realizing it, the me that is taken advantage of constantly, the real me.

Sometimes, a lot of times, I just want to disappear.  I don’t like people.  I don’t like noise.  I don’t like being told what to do by ungrateful people.  I don’t like being ignored until it is convenient not to ignore me for a few minutes.

But it is ME that is at fault.  I don’t get it.  I do whatever I am asked and more.  “It is what it is”.  Things are what they are.  I didn’t see things evolving with people the way they have turned out to be.  It isn’t my fault that things are the way they are.  It isn’t my fault but I pay the price as though it were.

But I push people away.  I am there at the snap of a finger whenever anyone snaps their finger at me.  Is the fact that I really don’t ask anyone for anything mean I am pushing them away?  No.  It means I want to live and die on my own.  On my own conditions, time table, and where I want to.

“I ain’t asking nobody for nothing if I can get it on my own.  If you don’t like the way that I’m living, you just leave this long haired country boy alone.” (Charlie Daniels)  What is wrong with not enjoying getting my hair cut?  I have ALWAYS hated to get my hair cut.  Not because I want it long or am trying to make a statement, I just do not like the feeling of getting my hair cut.  It means nothing more than that.  I don’t like to shave.  Does that make me a mountain man or something because I don’t like to shave?  It simply means I do not like to shave.  Hate it.

Who am I kidding, they won’t miss me one bit.  No one will. And I don’t care if they do or not.

“From now on all my friends are gonna be strangers.  I'm all through, ever trusting anyone.  The only thing I can count on now is my fingers,  I was a fool …” (Haggard)

Is it strange that I use music to do a lot of my talking for me?  Probably is, but I don’t care.  I can relate to some of these songwriters, philosophers …. They say some pretty honest things in their songs.  Brutally honest.  So honest it makes you think … “wow .. oh man … he knows me …”  The people that seem to know me best are people that don’t know I exist, and I mean they actually don’t know I am around, not like those that know I am around but until they need something, don’t know I exist.   The people that know me best … let’s see… Hank of course, Haggard, Willie, Paul Simon, Dylan, Lennon, Seger, Chapin, Kristofferson, Kooper,  the boss, Levon Helm and Robbie Robertson,  David Gates and James Griffin,  Billy Joel to a degree, Cat Stevens, Neil Young,  McLean, Don Henly, Greg Lake, Clapton,  Jackson Browne,  Mellencamp, Leon, Zevon … list could go on forever.

This sounds like a “Woe is me..” thing.  It isn’t.  It is fact.  Pure logical fact.

The time that I feel I can be truly me, without judgment from others, when I can find that solace that I crave, is late at night by myself either reading, watching a documentary or a movie, or lying in my little bed with the earbuds on.  Most times I listen to music, but a lot of times I listen to Supreme Court Arguments, or Kevin and Mosh, or TESD.  I love documentaries and I love movies and something by Charlyne Yi or an episode of House or one of the Law and Orders.  It is sad to think that Bruce, Carlin and Hicks are gone.  They were able to use fact, logic, and tell the truth about how crazy this world, or life can be.  A lot of the things that those three said are funny on the surface, but if you really break it down to what they are saying, it is kind of sad in a way.  The truth seems to always be sad.

My grandfather.  Oscar Laclede Hill.  The closest thing to perfect as a man can be, right?  We all look up to him and his life and what we knew about him and his wisdom.  He was far from the picture that we paint of him in our memories.  He once told me that even as much as we talked, there were things in his life he was ashamed of.  Things he would never tell another human being.  There were a lot of things that I would never know about him and that was just the way it was going to be.  I often wonder about the afternoon he told me that.  Why he told me that and what some of those things could be.  I don’t have a clue, and that was how he wanted it.  Doesn’t mean he was a fake or lived a lie, he still was a very good man, but there was that part of the REAL Oscar Hill that nobody knew, or would ever know.  I wonder if his wife even knew.

As I get older, there seems to be less and less people to look up to.  When I was a young boy, I looked up to my grandfather and my dad and a host of baseball players that I knew only from watching them on the field.  They were classy men, these ball players.  Dick Green, Campy Campanaris, Carl Yastrzemski, Brooks and Frank Robison, Hank Aaron, Noland Ryan, Roger Maris, Curt Flood and Bob Gibson, Al Kaline and Bill Freehan, Rick Monday and again, the list could go on and on.  I don’t look up to sport figures anymore.  I admire their ability and talent and the way they act on the field, but over the years the reality that they are just ordinary people that has a part of them hidden away that no one knows, has come to be reality for me.

Now who do I look up to … well, my grandfather and my father.  Some those song writers mentioned earlier who had the guts to post about reality as they saw it.  I don’t look up to politicians and especially Presidents.  Everyone is hiding something.  Nobody is fully themselves.  Nobody really knows anybody.  I suppose that is one way we all get along.  Hide a lot of ourselves so people only see the best we can put out there.  Sometimes, for some of us, even the best we can put out there is pretty bad.

I’ll tell you who I look up to.  One person I look up to is Rachel Gibson.  A fine young lady who left this world far before the world was ready for her to leave.  She was brave.  She was strong.  She kept her faith. And she comforted those who she was preparing to leave behind.  I admired that young lady long before she entered into the last phase of her life here on earth.   Now I am sure that Rachel had her faults just as all of us do, she was human after all.  But her being human was surpassed by her ability to be humane.

Another person I look up to is Caleb Hill.  Caleb is my cousin’s son.  Caleb was born with Down Syndrome which is what makes Caleb even more of a person to look up to then he would have been if he had not been born with the syndrome.  Caleb is intelligent.  Caleb is caring and loving.  Caleb is honest.  Caleb looks at life with thankfulness and lives life the way life should probably be lived by all of us.  Caleb has found inner strength to bypass the syndrome as best as he can and he does a great job of it.  Honesty like Caleb’s is something all of us could strive for, but we don’t and we won’t.

I look up to my niece Kimberly Porter, her husband Shawne and two wonderful kids that they adopted from China, Joshua and Mei.  The challenges that happen on a daily basis for Kimberly and especially Mei, would wear the normal person out and have an urge to just give up.  Not Kim though.  She is unbeatable when it comes to raising her kids and helping them face each day on a day to day basis.  Shawne is just as strong as Kim and just as dedicated to those two kids.  I admire both of them.  All four of them.

There are other people out there that I could say I look up to for various reasons.  One thing they all have in common though is that there is a part of them the world will never ever see.

Okay.  Stop and re-read what I have written so I know how I got to where I am in this thing.  Took a HUGE left turn back there somewhere.

Well, it turned into a bunch of rambling.  People do not understand why I feel or think the way I do.  I don’t either.  I try to be a good person, I try to live up to the ideals I see as making a person good, but I fall short.  We all do.  We all will.   I am not a happy person.  I find less joy in life than most people and I don’t understand it.  When something bad or not so good does happen to me, it seems to affect me a lot harder than it would other people.  I don’t understand it.  I feel it.  I know it is there.  But I don’t understand it.

There are times, many times, when I just want to go to my bed and just sleep.  Sleep more, and more and more.  Just sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone. Just sleep and let time flow by without me being aware of it passing.  Forever.

EXPLANATION OF "RETIREMENT"

Just before I began writing this piece, I re-posted an entry from October of 2010 titled "Retirement".  The message of "Retirement" is one that takes us into the thinking of a person who feels they have lived their life to where it is supposed to end.  It takes us into the mind of a person who feels that there is nothing left for them to do in life and so life is without purpose and they retire from life.

The reason I posted "Retirement" again was to give me a point to start from in explaining to those of you who are interested who I see myself as being.  When I wrote "Retirement" I was not suicidal and had no plans in actually retiring from life myself.  The thought of being able to retire from life though visited my brain and my mind on almost a daily basis.  sometimes I am able to shake the feeling off while at other times that feeling of retiring from life sits and simmers in my mind changing form and direction and taking me away from what I would normally be thinking about.  There are times when I am watching a good baseball game or a historical documentary and suddenly I discover that I have missed the show and my mind had traveled to darker places than National Geographic could ever take it.  I miss out on a lot of life in this manner.  One of the reasons this blog exists  is to record events that I do remember once in a while because I know they won't be in my mind forever.  Another reason for writing here is to let people know me now and in the future after I am gone.

There are a few things I need to make clear before you read any further.  It is important to know that I do not expect anyone to have a clear understanding of what goes on in my mind.  I cannot understand what a couple of my friends have felt because they lost a child nor can I understand the pain they continue to carry inside of them years after losing that child.  I have never been in that situation and I hope I never am.  The pain must be unbearable to them.  I know the pain they feel is unbearable because they have told me.  they have tried to explain it to me, but there is absolutely no way I can begin to understand the pain they feel.  It is much the same with the feelings that go on in my mind.  I can try to explain it but will come up short and if you have not been where I am, there is no way you can understand what my mind feels like as it moves in and out of those dark places it wanders into almost on a daily basis.  I don't expect you to understand and it would be best if you didn't try.  you won't get there and if you did, you would wish you hadn't.

I am not looking for anything from anybody.  I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me or to pity me or to try to make changes in the way they relate to me.  What I am writing is just a part of me so that if I do appear strange to you or appear to be quiet and standoffish, you might take a second thought and not pass judgement on me too quickly.  I am not looking or asking for anything.  I am just putting down a record of who I am and how I feel as I work my way through life.

I think I must have been this way since I was born, but out of the natural feeling of surviving I ignored it and went on with life as I saw it around me.  I watched how people related to each other and I believe I tried to mimic that action.  I learned not to be the real me but rather put up a front that society would accept.  Walls went up around me and I only let people see the part of me that I thought they wanted to see.  I developed a fairly good wit and learned how to smile on the outside while on the inside I was feeling anything but the way people were seeing me.

There came a time several years ago when I was not able to hold it all in anymore.  Sitting at my desk eating lunch one day the main event happened.  I refer to it as the day my mind broke.  It was a major panic/anxiety attack that ripped my thinking apart from that day forward.  Never again would I feel like I really knew myself and I damn sure knew that nobody else knew me even if they thought they did since the day they met me or all the way back to 1956 when I entered this world.

From the day that my mind broke up to today  I became aware of the walls that I had built around me.  No one had been inside these walls my entire life.  There was a Bill that ventured outside the walls and the Bill that stayed hidden within the walls.  As each day goes by, I feel more uncomfortable every time I venture outside the walls.  I find myself trying to put on that facade that family and friends have come to know over the years with more difficulty as each day passes.  Perhaps it is because I am getting older and it is easier for me to tire of trying to keep that facade up.

Very few people recognize the fact that I am a fake when outside those tall dark moss covered walls.  I am aware that at times I feel myself slipping back behind the walls when out but quickly gather strength to put the fake Bill up again.  Nobody notices when I slip back inside.  It happens and I go back out again before they notice.  When I get home though, I am exhausted from being outside the walls and am grateful to get off by myself and crawl back into the darkness of the room that walls surround.

So what is it like inside the walls?  It is dark and it is lonely.  It is quiet and sometimes calm.  At the same time it can be a horrible scary place.  Thoughts of my past wash over me and remind me of all the mistakes I have made in life.  Mistakes in dealing with people.  Mistakes in acting proper in society.  Mistakes of losing my temper when I could not hold myself in check while outside the walls.  I had and still do have a terrible temper.  Sometimes when I lose track of keeping myself in check in public, it lashes out.  I have not only surprised but have also hurt a lot of people with my temper.  When I hurt someone when I lose my temper, there is no making it right.  There is no way to explain why I did whatever I did to hurt them.  After losing my temper and hurting myself during the day, I crawl back behind my walls at night and beat myself up for letting it happen.  I feel like I deserve to be hurt as payment for hurting them and I do my best to inflict pain on my mind within the walls that trap me.

Inside these walls my mind feels like it is under attack.  Thoughts that I do not want to have seem to always find their way to me.  Under what seems and feels like a constant hitting in my mind, I have found a few ways to try to control it.  Music is a huge tool that I use to quiet the noise in my head.  Music is magic almost.  Music can take some of my feelings and put a different spin on how I feel.  Some of the most depressing songs that I know are the songs that are able to bring quiet inside the walls.  I feel like these songs written by people such as John Lennon, Paul Simon, Warren Zevon and Bob Dylan fight back my own thoughts with their thoughts and things seem to balance out sometimes.

And so we come to "Retirement".  I am getting old.  I am getting tired.  I have been venturing outside my walls far too long putting that mask on so people will see the Bill they expect to see.  I focus on everything that is said so I don't get lost in what is going on in a situation with people where they might notice something is wrong.  I am just too tired at times.

There comes a time in life when it is time to lay down your tools, stop your labor and go into retirement.  That is what that piece is about.  Recognizing that the time has come and it is time to simply retire.  We retire when our labors are done.  We are retired when we have done what has been expected of us over the years and now it is done.  We retire when we finally finish the job that we have set out to do.

The man in "Retirement" has come to this realization.  He has done everything that he can do in life.  His life is no longer moving forward, but rather has leveled out.  He has nothing left to do in life and so he decides to retire.

As I sit inside my musky damp walls alone with my thoughts in the dark, my mind goes over my life.  It recalls to me what has been accomplished and what hasn't.  It tries to balance things that have been my life over the last 57 years in a meaningful way.  My mind has a dark spin to all of the events over all the years, especially the years since that day that my mind broke.

It tries to talk me into retirement.  Sometimes I feel like my dark mind is right in what it is telling me.  Sometimes it feels like it is time to retire even though deep down in my soul, I know it isn't.