Monday, February 28, 2011

WRITER'S BLOCK (RAMBLE ON)

I figure if Jerry Seinfeld can have a successful show about nothing then I can have a blog entry about nothing.  So that is what this is.  A Blog entry about why there is no blog entry today.

Writer's block.  I suppose everyone is faced with this now and again.  I remember many times in school when I would have to write an essay about something that my mind would come up blank.  I had some emergency topics in the back of my mind but it didn't seem right to waste them at that particular time.  That is much the way I feel today.  I do have topics that will make for very good posts, but they need time to be written and to be honest, today doesn't leave much time for thoughtful writing.

I promise that in the future, I will write about some topics that will hopefully bring you enjoyment or thoughtfulness as you read them.  Some are about family, some are about me and some are about thoughts that cross my mind every so often and make me think.

Today I am not thinking so well so I feel it is best not to write on a topic when I can not do it justice.  Why am I not thinking so well today.  Well, there are lots of factors.  One factor is that I am tired.  I have been sleeping a lot lately but apparently it is not good deep sleep that allows my brain to rest.  My anxiety has been rather high as of late and of course that doesn't help.  The job her at the office is going at breakneck speed which is why this will be a short entry.  I have a few minutes to throw something about nothing down but not much more than that.

There have been some issues in the family which have been bothering me and distracting my mind from forming a good story line.  Family can get in your way almost more than anything although most of what I write about is biographical and so the family is either directly in the tale or plays a huge role as background for the story.  I can't write just anything about the family though.  I have to be aware of feelings of others so that I don't hurt anyone by i=using words that can be misinterpreted.  This happened once in the extreme early days of this blog and I ended up deleting the post and I think that was the proper thing to do.

I have been feeling alone a lot.  No, alone is not the word.  Maybe lonely would be better.  No, I feel alone.  I feel like even though I am surrounded by people I am not seen or heard.  I guess I can be fairly complicated at times and it seems like even the people who know me the best do not really know me or understand me.  When a person feels like this they do indeed feel alone and they are left by themselves with their own thoughts inside their mind.  Thoughts that can be damaging or helpful but either way there is no sharing these thoughts because they are stuck inside.  I have a lot of thoughts stuck inside of my mind but I don't dare let them loose upon the world.  Not at this time anyway.

I went to church with Barb yesterday.  I enjoy going to church.  A lot of churches can get clickish but Barb's church is not big enough to get that way yet.  Church politics can be awful at times bringing about actions that the Bible would express disdain for.  But again, Barb's church is not big enough to have these political ideas floating around under the surface.  It is a good church.  One of the best I have ever attended.  I actually do feel like a part of it and it wasn't so very long ago I truly thought I would never feel like I was a part of a church again.  Not too long ago I wouldn't even want to be a part of a church.  This church is different though and I enjoy it.  The pastor is intelligent and a very good thinker and when he presents a sermon you can't help but engage your mind to thinking about what the topic is whether you agree with it or not.  Now that I think about it, I suppose I am a part of a church once again.  Not a bad feeling.

I have come to know the people there and have developed a caring attitude about them.  They face problems like everyone else.  Some of the problems are worse than others but they are human problems and this church seems to pull together and face the problems as one.  This is very rare in this day and age of "Looking out for me" thinking.

Sometimes the things that are in my head are a little scary.  Sometimes they seem stupid.  As you age you learn that things that use to be extremely important don't really make much of a difference in the larger scheme of this thing we call life.  Life is complicated enough without throwing all the little things into the mix.  Sometimes I can't help but wonder what gives us the drive inside ourselves to even want to keep on living.  Sometimes it seems so pointless to be alive.  Other times, however, you experience something and you can't help but think how grand life is.  Life is simply another puzzle of the brain I guess.

I take pills to keep me from thinking about life too much.  I guess I take the pills to keep me from thinking about the lack of life too much.  Either way I am tired of taking pills.  Pills tend to make me something I am not.  It's always been that way.  But in keeping me from being something I am not, they also kept me safe.  Safe meaning alive.  I feel that since I started writing in this blog maybe it is doing my mind as much good as the pills do.  When I write my mind is active and engaged.  I have been able to recall some good times that had been erased from my memory.  Surely this is good for me.

I am not a writer and I make no pretense as being one.  I am a simple story teller and most of those stories are not a product of my imagination but a product of reality as I remember it.  I want to be a writer, but then I want to be an artist too.  Can't really say I am either of those things.  I got into my current line of work because it was the only way I could draw things that made sense.  Now I don't even get to draw as everything is done on a computer.  There are days that I go without even picking up a pencil.

God chose not to give me the skills for two things I want to do most so where does that leave me?  What am I suppose to do then?  I have no idea.  I wish I did.

I think I know what I have to do.  I have to come to the realization that nobody is absolutely needed for any particular thing.  There is always somebody else to step in and do whatever it is if you die or quit working at doing whatever it is.  I do what I do.  I enjoy what I do.  But when the time comes, there will be someone waiting to step in and take over and the fact that I once was needed will be forgotten because I, like everyone, am not absolutely needed.for anything.

So that is my blog entry about nothing.  Nothing I wrote should be taken too seriously or too lightly.  It is just a bunch of words that total up to nothing except something to cause us all to stop and give pause and to think.

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