Sunday, April 27, 2014

WAVING THE WHITE FLAG

The white flag.  Symbol of defeat, of giving up, of putting your future in your enemies hands.  I have been waving the white flag at my enemy off and on for more than a few years now.  I find myself waving it once again.

The enemy that has defeated me?  Life.  I give up.  Every day is a new fight, a new battle that I find no resources inside of me to continue fighting it.  It has wore me down and wore me out.

People mess up in life.  Everyone does.  Some of us mess up more than others.  When we mess up we hurt people.  I know I have hurt some people with my mess ups.  I don't know how many people I have hurt but I know that it has happened because of my stupidity or selfishness.  The thing is when I hurt someone, and I realize I have, it hurts me even more and I do hurt.

I am alone inside of myself.  I find myself wrestling with things inside my head and I find that I am constantly on the losing end.  Life has become a lose/lose situation for me.

Somehow I find myself working through another day every day.  At the end of the day I am tired and beat and wonder how I will make it through tomorrow.  So far I have made it through each day.  I am not sure how long that can keep happening though.  One of these days I will lay down my white flag and walk out into the feild of battle without armor or weapon and let life do what it will to me.

People shove me about and push me around and I have shoe marks all over my muddy back as proof.  Why do I let people do this?  I have not a clue.  It feels sometimes like they can just see inside of me and can tell that I am one of those that will fall over with the touch of a finger.

I'll get up tomorrow no doubt and will make my way out into the world and try to make it home safely and in one piece.  Then do it again the next day until one day, I won't get home in one piece.

If tomorrow happens to be that day, I want all the people I have hurt to know I am sorry.  I can be insensitive at times but I don't mean to be.  Sometimes when I do things that hurt people I am trying to keep hurt away from me, and others get caught in the spray of shrapnel.  If I could go through my whole life without hurting anyone I would, but I don't seem to be able to do that.

I blame my battle with life for that.  I try so hard to survive that sometimes I say or do things for my own survival that ends up getting others in the way.  sometimes I say something trying to be witty or funny at the expense of others.  That is the worse kind of hurt that I deal out.  I don't like to look at myself that way but truth is truth.

For now, I am hoping that life will see my white flag waving in the distance and take some pity on me, but enemies seldom do that to the defeated.

Please forgive me if I have hurt someone out there.  Please understand that I have been in a long tiresome battle and take pity on me.

The battle is winding down.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

'NIGHT MOTHER

Not sure what the exact quote is but in this film the daughter tries to explain her decision to take her own life to her mother.  It goes something like "I am hurt, tired, alone, frustrated and done."  She had been thinking about it and planning it for a while and decided that instead of just leaving a note, decided to spend one last evening with her mother.  It is a great film.  It gives her a chance to explain why she is doing what she is and looking at it from afar, it seems a cruel way to get ready to leave this world.  A note would be much better.

I do identify with this film so much though.  The pain. The feeling of uselessness and being a problem for everyone around.  To be honest, it isn't like anyone really cares.  The daughter's brother could care less if she were around or not.  A note would suffice for the most part.  I am sure there would be questions for awhile, but soon it would fade with time and slowly become a family story that might be handed down every once in a while to later generations.

In today's day and age, the truly proper note would be a mass email to whoever you wanted to leave it for.  Write out the note saying what you feel you need to say, press the "send" button and then leave.

If I were to decide to leave this world on my schedule, that is what I would do.  Wouldn't want to send it to too many people though .... ten at the most.  Wife and kid would be sent one of course.  A couple of close friends, a cousin or two and a niece and a nephew.  None to my siblings though.  No, they would have to find out through the grapevine.

I would have to be careful not to make it a note that sounds like whining.  I would have to keep it classy.  My decision, why my decision was made, and make sure that no one takes any guilt or blame as people tend to do.  No, it has to be understood that I thought things out, came to a decision on my own, and once the decision was made carry it on through.

There would have to be a song lyric or quote included because that would be expected from me.  The tough part is choosing what lyric I would use.  There are so many songs that would fit the way I feel and help explain why I made the decision I did.

IN my early years I use to think that "My Way" by Paul Anka would be PERFECT.

"And now ... the end is near .. and so I face ... the final curtain ...."  After thinking about though, that song would not fit with me.  I have not done it my way, life that is.  I lived my life everybody else's way.  Tried my whole life to do what was right, to please people and failed miserably at every turn of a corner.  Nope, "My Way" would not make the cut.

Don McLean's "Crossroads" or "Vincent" would be good nominees.  I am sure a Paul Simon could be found to fit or a Warren Zevon ... that's it.  Warren Zevon's "Keep me in your heart".  that's the one.  That whole song would be included in my note.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile
---------------------------------------------------------------

That's my good bye song.  The fact that I LOVE that song makes it even better.  I would hope they would play that at my funeral, if they decide to have one for me.

You know, I wouldn't even have to write anything else.  No more explanation needed.  Just read those master words from Mr. Zevon.  That should be enough, and make things a lot easier for me as well as those who receive my note.

Still have some thinking to do on this.  But as an overview, I think this serves what I wanted it to.  Got me thinking about the proper way things should be done.

I like it.

FROM THE INSIDE

Just getting it out of my system so I can move on .....
again.