Sunday, April 27, 2014

WAVING THE WHITE FLAG

The white flag.  Symbol of defeat, of giving up, of putting your future in your enemies hands.  I have been waving the white flag at my enemy off and on for more than a few years now.  I find myself waving it once again.

The enemy that has defeated me?  Life.  I give up.  Every day is a new fight, a new battle that I find no resources inside of me to continue fighting it.  It has wore me down and wore me out.

People mess up in life.  Everyone does.  Some of us mess up more than others.  When we mess up we hurt people.  I know I have hurt some people with my mess ups.  I don't know how many people I have hurt but I know that it has happened because of my stupidity or selfishness.  The thing is when I hurt someone, and I realize I have, it hurts me even more and I do hurt.

I am alone inside of myself.  I find myself wrestling with things inside my head and I find that I am constantly on the losing end.  Life has become a lose/lose situation for me.

Somehow I find myself working through another day every day.  At the end of the day I am tired and beat and wonder how I will make it through tomorrow.  So far I have made it through each day.  I am not sure how long that can keep happening though.  One of these days I will lay down my white flag and walk out into the feild of battle without armor or weapon and let life do what it will to me.

People shove me about and push me around and I have shoe marks all over my muddy back as proof.  Why do I let people do this?  I have not a clue.  It feels sometimes like they can just see inside of me and can tell that I am one of those that will fall over with the touch of a finger.

I'll get up tomorrow no doubt and will make my way out into the world and try to make it home safely and in one piece.  Then do it again the next day until one day, I won't get home in one piece.

If tomorrow happens to be that day, I want all the people I have hurt to know I am sorry.  I can be insensitive at times but I don't mean to be.  Sometimes when I do things that hurt people I am trying to keep hurt away from me, and others get caught in the spray of shrapnel.  If I could go through my whole life without hurting anyone I would, but I don't seem to be able to do that.

I blame my battle with life for that.  I try so hard to survive that sometimes I say or do things for my own survival that ends up getting others in the way.  sometimes I say something trying to be witty or funny at the expense of others.  That is the worse kind of hurt that I deal out.  I don't like to look at myself that way but truth is truth.

For now, I am hoping that life will see my white flag waving in the distance and take some pity on me, but enemies seldom do that to the defeated.

Please forgive me if I have hurt someone out there.  Please understand that I have been in a long tiresome battle and take pity on me.

The battle is winding down.

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