THE MESS OF "LET IT BE"

 It was the summer of 1970 when I told my mother I was going somewhere that I can't remember.  Probably to one of my friends house or something.  In truth I was heading to the Ruskin Twin Theater to see the new Beatles movie titled "Let It Be".  I had no idea what to expect as I entered the theater and sat down in the nearly empty auditorium.

The film was a documentary of The Beatles recording songs in a big warehouse then movie to the new Apple Studios to end the movie with their last live performance as a group on the roof of Apple.  I did not think it was a very good movie at the time.  The film was dark and grainy.  My four heroes did more talking and arguing then they did playing music.  After I saw the movie I was not sure what I had just witnessed.  I spent many hours trying to figure out why this film was made.  In my eyes at the time, I could see that this great band would not last much longer.  They were done.  I was frustrated after seeing it and a little irritated.  The Beatles should go out on a high note, not this grainy movie where they were always on each others back about something.  An hour and a half of The Beatles not being the Beatles.

The previous year The Beatles had released the album "Abbey Road".  This album was a great album and became one of my favorites.  There were hints in that album though that would be reflected in the LET IT BE film.  ABBEY ROAD had a lot more Paul and a markedly less presence of John.  Almost the entire second side of the album was Paul with a couple of short songs by John.  The big take away from ABBEY ROAD was that it seemed like George had learned how to write masterful songs out of nowhere.  After seeing the film I wondered of there would be another Beatles album or if the catalogue was done.

Not too long after the release of the movie an album titled LET IT BE was released.  Sensing that this could well be the last Beatles album from what I had seen in the movie, I bought it. As I listened to that album the first several times I was immediately put off by it.  This thing did not sound like The Beatles I had come to know.  I checked the credits on the back of the album and found out what had changed.  George Martin, The Beatles iconic producer from the very early days of the band was not listed as the producer.  He had been replaced by Phil Spector known for his "wall of sound" producing.  That was what I was hearing and that is why I had felt like I was listening to the YELLOW SUBMARINE soundtrack or MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR only maybe a little worse.  

The songs on this album were good.  As I listened to them more I felt like these songs had the potential to be very good.  It just didn't sound like The Beatles.  Spector had over produced the songs.  He had dubbed in a full on choir backing on some of the tracks and an orchestra that over powered The Beatles not only instrumentally but almost drowned out the vocals.  The two songs that Spector destroyed the most were Paul's beautiful ballads "The Long and Winding Road" and the title track "Let It Be" along with John's "Across The Universe".   I rated this album toward the bottom of Beatles releases.  The album did go to number 1 in both the UK and the States, but that was expected of a Beatles album.

Now is the time to address the history of this album and why it turned into a mess.  For the most part it is still a mess although there have been attempts to rescue it.

As you know LET IT BE was recorded before ABBEY ROAD even though it was the last album they released.  If you don't know that 53 years after the fact, shame on you.  You need to brush up on your Beatles history.  You appall me.

The original plan for LET IT BE was that it would be a project that would include three things.  First off, the album would recorded "live" in the studio and would be produced with each song having a single take.  There would be no vocal or instrumental over dubs.  Just the best take of each song mixed and cleaned up a little but finished without anything extra except for what was recorded in the studio.  There would be a film documenting The Beatles taking these songs from their creative infancy to the final product in studio and finally there was the possibility of the Beatles doing a live performance for the first time in four years.  It sounds like a great plan, and I think it would have been except things kind of went sideways.

As the band tried to record these songs with the idea of no overdubs using only the single takes of each song they found it difficult to do the songs the way they wanted them to sound with only the four of them.  Enter Mr. Billy Preston.  Preston was a keyboard player who The Beatles had met in Germany when they were just starting out.  Preston happened to be in the UK and stopped by to visit with the band.  They immediately recruited hm to play the keys to fill in voids in the sound of the songs.  "Get Back" is labeled as being recorded by "The Beatles and Billy Preston".  Preston saved these recordings from ending up even worse than the production by Spector.

The Beatles had a lot of songs they were working on for LET IT BE that would not make the cut but would show up on ABBEY ROAD and some that even made it to their early solo albums after the break up.  After the band finished recording the songs for LET IT BE they took a short break and began working on ABBEY ROAD since they had many of the songs almost ready to record bu this time.  As they waited for the film to be edited and released the LET IT BE album was shelved waiting for the release of the movie. 

Glyn Johns was a well respected recording engineer that worked with the band here and there.  He had recorded the vast majority of the album before having to leave early because of contractual obligations in Los Angeles.  He returned after all the recording had been done to finish what he had started.  He made his own mix of the album knowing what the intent of the group was and gave his work to Apple, leaving it there for approval and release.  His work would not see the light of day until 2020 it would finally be released as part of a release marking the 50th anniversary of the albums release.

Meanwhile The Beatles had signed a new agent by the name of Alan Kline.  From everything I have read, Kline was not the most honest agent around looking out more for making a quick buck instead of quality.  If I read the history correctly, it was Kline who decided to release the LET IT BE album bringing in Spector to produce and mix the album and that was where the disaster began. 

After hearing the album, George Martin said he immediately looked at the credits to see if he was listed as a co-producer.  He was not.  Only Phil Spector's name was listed as producer.  This could be a good or bad thing for Martin.  Paul has said when he first heard the final product he was fit to be tied.  This release was not what the group had intended.  John and George seemed to take a "whatever" attitude and I haven't heard what Ringo's reaction was at the time.

By the time the film and album were released The Beatles were basically finished as a band.  Paul had started working on McCARTNEY during the production of ABBEY ROAD.  John had likewise started working on his first solo album and had let the Beatles slide into his past.   George had his own publishing company and had a slew of songs from over the years that had not made it onto Beatles albums.  He was working on a three disc collection of these songs as his first solo project. The album became settled into the lower third of The Beatles canon and was left there.  It was what it was.

In 2003 McCartney decided to revisit LET IT BE and try to fix it.  His idea was to bring it back to the way the Beatles intended it to be.  It would be difficult.  He had to get rid of all of the strings and choirs and the overdubbing of vocals and instruments.  The problem was that to do this he would pretty much have to toss the takes that Spector had ruined and use takes that were not necessarily the best of the bunch.  What Paul ended up with was a very raw sounding recording of the songs.  He titled it "LET IT BE-NAKED".  To be honest it was a valiant attempt by Paul but with the inferior takes it didn't quite bring the songs out with their full potential.  It sounds very rough.  Actually, to me, it sounds like an unfinished album.  The album was met with mixed reactions.  It was nice to hear the songs without all of the over producing but left a lot to be desired.

 Then came the year 2020 and Giles Martin.  Giles is the son of George Martin and is a excellent producer and engineer.  Apple had hired Giles in 2017 to remix SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND" for the albums 50th anniversary.  Giles took the original mix and did a remix using new technology and brought out a very clean sounding album that made the album sound totally different. The result was almost like rediscovering the Beatles.  It was a vast improvement.  Apple decided to follow through and in 2018 Giles did his magic on "The Beatles (The White Album)" with the same result.  This was followed in 2019 with the same treatment for the 50th anniversary of ABBEY ROAD.

It only made sense then that in 2020 Giles would rework LET IT BE.  Giles has said that LET IT BE was quite a challenge.  He had to use Spectors original mix and somehow try to make it sound new.  It was not an easy task.  He tried to put as much of the "wall of sound" into the deep background as he could to bring out more of the Beatles.  I must say, given the mix he had he did a very good job.  The Spector still there but it isn't as messy sounding.  At the same time that Giles was working on trying t fix the Spector mess, Apple dusted off the Glyn Johns mix from the vault.  The two were released together in the deluxe release of LET IT BE for the 50th Anniversary.  In my opinion, Glyn Johns mix is about as close as you can get to what the Beatles started out wanting.  It is a totally different sound.  Johns used a lot of little tricks without crossing the line of over dubbing or adding anything.  He used a lot of reverberation in his mix.  He included some banter and joking between the group before a recording started.  This version is my go to version of LET IT BE now without taking anything away from Giles Martin.  

So is LET IT BE finally fixed?  I don't think so.  Spector took the best takes that there were and just took it entirely in the opposite direction that the Beatles were aiming for.  But Giles Martin did as good of a job as possible with these Spector mixes and Glyn Johns mix of the album is very refreshing.

With this 2020 release I move LET IT BE up the chart of the Beatles albums.

Addendum:  After LET IT BE was rereleased in 2020, Peter Jackson used new technology that is able to separate sounds using artificial intelligent programs to remake the LET IT BE movie.  He took hundreds of hours of footage from the recording sessions and created a HD 8 hour long film titled "GET BACK".  His film brings out the real story of those few weeks of recording.  Yes there was some friction but it wasn't as dark as the original made it out to be.  It was good to see the four working together on each others songs and working hard to record them correctly.  If anything, it is Peter Jackson's GET BACK that finally saves LET IT BE from the disaster that was released in 1970.

THE DIFFERENCE IN TEN YEARS

I was sitting in my favorite spot in my living room this morning listening to an album that was released fifty years ago.  Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" stared at me as the music wafted through my ears and into my head landing in the memory bank of my mind.  I first saw and heard Steely Dan perform "Do It Again" on "The Midnight Special" one Saturday night.  Donald Fagen had a distinct voice that caught my attention immediately.  It was a good song with good lyrics.  Back in the 1973 pop music was, in my mind, in the middle of the greatest decade of rock music in my lifetime.  The years 1965 to 1975 plus maybe a couple of years added to each side of that timeline took rock, country and jazz music through  a magnificent metamorphosis.  I can look back to the Top 40 of any week during that decade and my mind just whispers to me, "wow....".  As I scanned my memories from 50 years ago I started thinking what I was like 50 years ago.  Looking back 50 years ago even I wouldn't recognize myself.  I was a kid of 16 then with my whole future ahead of me.  I had yet to buy my 1967 Impala.  It was a time of transition for me from Debbie to Barbara with my last few months of freedom on that front being realized.  I had my career picked out but that was about the only thing of consequence I had accomplished.

My mind shifted to the changes my life had gone through in just the last ten years.  I thought about how I am now compared to just ten years ago.  "Just ten years ago".  During the ten years that followed 1973 I had graduated High School, married Barbara and adopted Brett.  I was in a job with a company that would see me through to my retirement.  In 1983, it still felt like I had my whole future ahead of me with a lifetime to go.  Time passes quickly though.  As I look back I can see that now and realize that life is ever changing and it doesn't stop until you take that last breath.  I am much closer to that last breath now than I was in 1973, 1983 or even 2013.

As I look back at myself in 2013 compared to today the changes are dramatic.  Brett had graduated high school 13 years before and had left Barbara and me with an empty nest.  Dutch never got over Brett not being there and go crazy wild every time Brett came walking through the door.  Dutch was only 5 years old at the time and still had his tank of energy at full.  In 2013 I would take Dutch for a weekly walk as I had Rudy before him.  I did not walk Dutch as far and as long on those walks as I had Rudy though.  Rudy had developed problems with his joints at an early age.  I did not want that to happen to Dutch.

Barbara's health was just beginning to slide on that downhill slope.  Her back was just beginning to bend forward as the fusion of her spine began.  She was able to still ride with me to Alabama to visit family but in 2013 we only ventured that direction once a year.  Mom and dad were still living in Kansas City but slowly their health was beginning to decline as well.  In three years they would relocate to Alabama to live closer to my sister.  When they moved was when my hands were full trying to take care of Barbara whose health was on a rapid decline, and dad's health was starting to fail as well.  As a family we decided that Elaine could take better care of mom and dad than I could while I was trying to take care of Barbara.  I think Barbara's last trip to Alabama was in 2014.  She made one more trip, that being to Texas for her nephew Travis' wedding.  As far as I know she never left Kansas City after that.  It was too hard on her back to even make a trip across the state to St. Louis.

We were on the last of the Saturns we would buy, Barbara driving a 2007 while I drove my precious 2006 Ion.  I think I loved that car more than any other car I had owned except maybe the 1979 Malibu that I had purchased brand new.

Barbara had returned to work and was happy with her job.  It would be the last job she held working for R. L. Stein Construction as an office manager.  In three short years, the spring f 2016, Barbara would stop working because of her health issues and begin the process of applying for Social Security Disability.  I was still working at Dit-MCO putting in my 34th year with the company.  I like to think I had attained the status of old-timer among the younger workers that brought a little respect for just staying around so long.

My health was not on the bight side in 2013 though it was much better than Barbara's.  I had two big wake up calls in 2012 and 2013.  In 2012 I had suffered my first heart attack.  It was the first sign to me that maybe I was starting to get old.  In 2013 I had my first colonoscopy where they found and removed several per-cancerous polyps.  This put me on the three year colonoscopy plan which I was thrilled about.  Since that first colonoscopy they have removed per-cancerous  with every procedure.  As you can guess, I am still on three year plan.

Ten years ago I was still fairly active though.  I broke my foot playing basketball with Brett that year and we never finished the game.  I claim the victory though since I was up on him as the time of the fracture.

The house had undergone a slight transformation.  After having carpal tunnel surgery on both my wrists, it was near impossible for me to paint the house.  Putting vinyl siding on the house became our first major improvement on the house other than a couple of new roofs over the years.  It improved the look of the house dramatically.  Barbara and I did not spend a lot of money ten years ago as we saw ourselves nearing our 6th decade of life and started trying to save a little bit for retirement.  Barbara was more concerned about our readiness for retirement than I was or so it seemed to me.  I didn't require a lot of money to keep me happy and I thought I would do very well keeping the standard of living we had then on into retirement. After mom and dad moved south, my trips to Alabama became more frequent and I depended upon Brett and our neighbors to keep an eye on Barbara due to her health.  I did not like leaving her alone with only Dutch to keep an eye on her.

I think it was around 2013 when my natural cynicism rose to a new level concerning events and life in general.  When President Obama was elected in 2008 I held out hope that he would be a good man for the job.  I even made an entry in this blog about my hope for the new administration.  By 2013, that hope had been obliterated.  My cynical side became stronger and I went int a phase of life of not trusting or believing anyone outside my own little family.  In 2013 I saw the world as a huge mess with respect being thrown out the window.  The youngsters of 2013 (under twenties) did not seem to take seriously anything.  They did not have respect for the country or the system that made this country as great as it is.  Ten years later I look back at those kids in 2013 and realize that they were not too different than I was in 1973.  Strange how that works.

Now I look at myself in 2023 compared to that person I just described.  I am calmer now than I was ten years ago.  I don't let my anger out hardly at all.  I tend to let things slide a little bit more.  I feel like I have come to accept the way the world is.  I do not understand a lot of things that go on in the world these days but things do not seem to bother me as drastically as they use to.

I am retired now after receiving a kind reminder from God that I am mortal by way of a second heart attack.  That heart attack the day before Barbara's birthday put me in the same hospital, in the same ICU just down the hall from where Barbara had died.  Those few days gave me plenty of time to think.  I thought about where I was and where my life was going.  I confirmed my thinking that life is indeed far to short.  I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had not lived my life to it's fullest.  Perhaps a little Charles Dickens crept into my thinking that I still had time, just as old Ebeneezer Scrooge had time to change a little.

I find myself in this phase of my life as entering the end game.  I am heading towards 70 now, an age I never could foresee happening.  I began my life with Barbara in the form of a first date 50 years go.  It was not always easy during those years.  There were plenty of rough times mainly because of myself.  We made it though.  During those last years with Barbara we grew closer to each other on a daily basis.

Now the nest is not only empty, my whole life feels empty at times.  The house especially feels so quiet and empty.  Dutch died last November, Brett of course is out making his way through life and Barbara has been taken to her heavenly home.

I find myself trying to learn how to live on my own by myself.  I have had to overcome my anxiety about making phone calls and still have a ways to go on that.  I have to learn how to keep up the house and keep it in order.  I have to learn to keep doctor and dentist appointments.  I have to learn to keep a healthy diet.  I have learned to keep myself busy and out of the house a day or two each week.  I have found a place to volunteer my time to helping others.

I have to learn to deal with the silence and the emptiness that I feel not only in the house, but in my heart. 

I guess the biggest change from 2013 to 2023 is that in 2013 I felt a purpose.  I was working.  I was taking care of loved ones.  I was being productive. In 2023 I am still productive.  I am still active.  I do feel that in 2023 I am being myself more than I ever had in the past.  I use to spend what seemed like every hour of everyday I was trying to do the right thing, to please somebody to do what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  I feel like the vast majority of my life was not about me but what others expected of me.  There hasn't been a lot of "Bill" in my life.  I am trying to change that.  Still though there are times that when I do take a step in that direction, I suffer consequences from people who still have those expectations and there is nothing I can do or say to change those attitudes. Even now as I contemplate whether to publish this put it out for the world to read, I have a hesitancy because of some of those factors from long ago. 

But in 2023 I also realize I am aging and as time ticks away ever so quickly I age even faster.  There are times when I feel so alone in a house that in the past I had craved to be alone in once in awhile. 

I feel like I am existing from day to day to day knowing that one day that last breath with finally come.

This writing did not take the course I was thinking it would.  I strayed a little I think.  I do think I painted a picture, albeit a sloppy picture, of how I have changed from who I was in 2013 to who I am today.  I am a work in progress still.  

I keep moving forward.

ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM BARBARA

The following are taken from real e-mails between Barbara and myself back in 2012 :

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 From Barbara Clark, March 15, 2012  10:06:40 AM

 Okay, I looked it up in all four gospels.  Only Luke (Luke 24:4) mentions two angels in shining garments.

Why would the others say one?

Barb

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Reply from Bill Clark, March 15, 2012 11:06:44 AM

well... first off the books were written YEARS after the fact.  They think John was the oldest written followed by Luke.  Even then though, they estimate John was written about 60 years or so after the fact.  Remember that game where you sit in a circle and whisper something in the person's next to you ear?  by the time you get around the circle, the whole message had changed.

Then there is the little known, or at least little publicized issue that John had with Luke.  These two did not get along at all.  John was always writing how he was Jesus' favorite.  Luke always thought that while he was trying to write down the truth, it was always "me me me" with John.  Luke knew that Peter was the favorite but John just kept on going on about how Jesus trusted him more than the others and all of that.  As a matter of fact at the crucifixion scene, you see John saying that "his fav was by his mother's side".  Luke knew perfectly well that John wasn't there.  Luke couldn't prove it of course, because he was off hiding like all the others.  Luke knew that John was off in hiding somewhere as well, but he was hiding by himself so no one could prove or disprove whether he was with Mary or not..

John started writing before Luke did.  John did not want anyone to know that he was writing the story and placing himself in the middle of absolutely everything.  Luke had a suspicion that John was writing things down and so he decided to write his own version, the correct version of what had happened.  He hired a ten year old kid to go get a copy of what John had so far.  The problem was that by the time Luke had hired the kid, John had already published and his book started to appear in storefronts throughout the Holy Land.  When the kid brought Luke a copy of John's book, Luke lost it.  John had beaten him to the punch.

This was when Luke learned of John's tremendous ego and how he had written the story to be more a "Jesus and John with their Friends" book instead of a "Jesus Story".  Luke was furious.  He knew that the book was out there and people were reading, and believing that John was this great disciple a level above the other eleven.  Luke bore down and started to write what he saw as the truth.

Unfortunately, Luke lost focus every once in a while and strayed off into a mode of proving John wrong on little things before getting back on track and writing the story the way he remembered it.  When Luke got to the resurrection scene he noticed John had said that there was only one Angel at the scene.  From the way John wrote it, the angel was either Micheal or Gabriel.  Luke, while not knowing for sure which angel it was had assumed it was Andy Messersmith, who would later become an outstanding pitcher for the Angels when they returned to play ball in the American League in 1969.  I digress, sorry.  Just a nice little side tidbit there.

When Luke read about John's account of just one angel, he decided that this would be a good place for a little of that embellishment that he had used earlier in his book to kind of stick a thorn in John's side.  He made the decision that there would have at least been two angels at such a remarkable and miraculous event.  And so he wrote the two angel part just to one up John.  He put the angels outside the tomb, kind of guarding it while John had the angle sitting inside the tomb as if he was taking the place of Jesus.  Luke that that was a little presumptuous for an angel to take the place of Jesus.

And so that is why Luke wrote of two angels while the others, Mathew and Mark, more or less just assumed John knew what he was talking about and followed his lead.  After all John had written his book before Luke so surely his memory was clearer than Luke's.

Luke fell into a small depression because it didn't seem any one was taking his book as seriously as Johns. Then an idea popped in his head.  None of the guys were writing a book about what happened AFTER the event and ascension.  He immediately took up his pen and started writing about events after Jesus had left.  He knew that this book would be a good one and possibly end up in the top five of books about life before and after Jesus.  "The Acts of the Apostles" did indeed become a best seller and because of it's title, none of the other Apostles argued with anything in the book, because The Acts had set a pretty high bar for them to live up to.

And that is why Luke wrote of two angels instead of one.

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Reply from Barbara Clark, March 15, 2012  1:15:42 PM

WOW!!!!  AREN'T YOU THE WEALTH OF INFORMATION..  THANKS... 

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Reply from Bill Clark, March 15, 2012 1:25:41 PM

 AND I AIN'T BEEN TO SEMINARY OR NOTHING LIKE THAT ...

REMEMBERING DUTCH

 I have had three dogs during my life.  All of them came to me after being married.  I have written about Milhous quite a bit, Rudy several times, and Dutch just a couple of times.  All three were named after Presidents of these United States.  Milhous named for President Nixon, Rudy for President Ford and Dutch was named for President Reagan.

Milhous was the protector.  Rudy was the athlete.  Dutch I think could best be described as the companion and caregiver.  Dutch took to his role very well.

By the time we got Dutch in 2007 Barbara had learned how to train a dog very well.  It took her no time at all to house train Dutch.  She was able to teach him little tricks younger than the other two had learned.  For those who spent a bit of time with the three of them, it would be obvious that both Milhous and Dutch were very bright while Rudy kind of lacked the self discipline to apply his intelligence. (Kind of like their individual namesakes now that I think about it).

Dutch was the most laid backed of the three.  Mailmen never bothered Dutch that much.  Friends entering the house for the first time would get maybe one bark from him then suffer the constant attention seeking that he craved so badly.  He was the kisser of the three.  He would lick your hand for as long as you could tolerate it.  He also expected to be petted more as well. That was about the only thing that he required forcefully.

He had one toy.  Actually we got him plenty of toys but only one toy was his go to.  It is a softball sized orange rubber ball that seemed to be close to his proximity at all times.  His choice of play with the ball was to walk up to you and dare you to try to take it away from him.  After you managed that feat your job was to throw it.  In the house it was down the hallway.  Outside it was across the yard.  He would always bring the ball back to you straight away and demand that it be thrown again.  When he was younger he would play this game of fetch for hours.  As he got older and tired easier, when he would bring the ball back he would walk right past you to the back door waiting to be let back in.  He would kind of look up at you as he walked by as if to say "Well, I think you have had enough for today.  Let's go in."

I don't have a lot of funny stories to relate about Dutch like I do the other two dogs.  Dutch had his little quirks and did an unexpected thing once in while but nothing that stands out in my mind.  He was a very laid back dog.  He pretended to be tough while working his way to get petted.  Our joke around the house was that if someone broke into the house while we were gone, Dutch would lay on the couch and watch letting them take anything but the couch and his ball.  It wouldn't bother him a bit.

The one thing that I did that bothered Dutch a lot was when I would talk, telling a story to whoever was over.  I tend to express myself with my hands, using them to emphasize what I am saying.  To Dutch this was playtime for him.  When my hands started moving around in gestures he would come over and jump up trying to grab my hands gently with his mouth and batting at them with his paws.  He made it very difficult for me to talk at times.  This was one of his things that always brought a smile to my face.  At Christmas he would help all of us unwrap our presents trying to get in and rip the paper with his mouth and paws.  He was so gentle, even when playing.  He never hurt anybody. 

What made Dutch so special to me, and I assume to Barb and Brett as well, was his companionship. He could always somehow know when I was getting ready to go somewhere.  I kept his leash on a hook next to the front door.  When he got the feeling I was heading out, he would walk over to his leash and just touch it with his nose, turn and look at me and nose the leash again.  If it was a short quick trip his eyes would make me take him along for the ride.  He absolutely loved riding in the car.  He would sit in the passenger seat next to me and look intensely out of the windshield.  When we got home I did not need to hold the leash to keep him from taking off.  I would simply open the car door and he would jump out and casually walk up to the front door.

Dutch served as my alarm clock until well after I retired.  I got up at 5:30 in the morning every work day and he latched onto that fact.  He knew when it was time for me to get up and moving and would come into the room and start licking my hand or sticking his nose in my face until I woke up everyday including weekends.

Dutch proved his place in the family unlike the others had.  When Barbara's body began to break down, Dutch became her constant companion.  As her health continued to deteriorate, I moved into the spare room because any movement I made while sleeping would shoot pain up through her back.  During this time Dutch sensing Barb's health stayed with her, sleeping on the floor next to her every night until 5:30 in the morning when he would walk over to wake me up.  As her health continued to decline she began sleeping on the couch in the living room.  It was closer to the floor than the bed and a lot closer to the bathroom.  Once she moved to the couch, she slept there every night for the rest of her life.  Dutch did the same.  He took up sleeping on the floor next to the couch hoping Barb's hand would fall and land on him while she slept.  

Dutch became Barbara's close companion.  He always followed her around the house and parked himself next to her whether she was sitting in her chair or laying on the couch.  He gave Barb companionship and comfort during those last few years.  He was probably the best thing for her mental health during that time.

When I came home the evening of the day that she had passed I truly believe Dutch knew that things had changed.  I sat in my chair trying to figure out what needed to be done.  Who to contact, where to go, and open up that file that contained her funeral requests.  As I sat in my chair absorbing all that had happened Dutch was laying on the floor at my feet.  Every once in a while he would sit up and look at me and I would pat his head and then he would lay down again.  That night when I went to bed, Dutch laid down next to the couch and slept there until 5:30 the next morning.  I let him sleep there.  It had been his sleep place for close to four years.  It was where he felt he was supposed to be.

Dutch continued to sleep through the night next to the couch for about six months.  Maybe he was hoping that she would return, I do not know.  He was starting to get old about that time as well and was slowing down quite a bit.  His rear joints were stiffening up on him.  He was not able to run very well when he went outside.  He was suddenly all by himself all day long while I was at work.  I think Barbara's death effected him as much as anyone.  After about six months I woke up early one morning and Dutch had slipped into my room during the night.  He slowly switched from sleeping next to the couch to sleeping next to my bed.

After that we began to get very close.  I felt closer to him than I had any other dog.  He started following me again.  We spent evenings together.  We talked to each other as I thought things out.  Well, I would talk and he would look at me knowingly to let me know I was on the right track.  He had become my companion.  My close companion.  It became clear to me that he was there for me and he brought me much of that loving comfort that he had given Barb for all those years.

Dutch continued to age.  Big dogs like Dutch usually have a lifespan of between 10 and 12 years, a little longer if lucky.  Over the past year it had become painfully clear to me that Dutch was not going to last much longer.  He began to sleep more and more.  His mobility was extremely slow and it took him great effort to lay down or to stand up.

It was when he started having problems breathing that I began to think about his quality of life.  He was not eating much, not drinking much and breathing was difficult.  It finally became apparent to me that his quality of life was not good and so I called Dr. Lyle.

Dr. Lyle had been our vet for both Rudy and Dutch.  He loved them both.  When I took Dutch into his office that day, he knew it was not going to be easy for me.  He had a good relationship with Barbara and was saddened when she passed.  He helped me make sure I was taking care of Dutch the best I could since Barbara had died.  He knew that Dutch was my only companion at home and he knew what a big loss this was going to be for me.

His diagnoses on Dutch was some kind of syndrome that large dogs often developed.  His trachea was slowly becoming paralyzed and was effecting the the way his esophagus was performing.  This was the cause of not being able to drink or eat and, of course, his breathing problem.  Dr. Lyle agreed that his quality of life was very poor and that we were doing the right thing.  I do  believe he was just as sad as I was.

Brett had come with me that day.  Brett and Dutch were best buds throughout Dutch's life.  It effected Brett every bit as much as it effected me. We both knew things would never be the same without Dutch.  We sat with Dutch as the injection took effect and took Dutch.  Both of us gave him a pat on the head and we left.

The house is totally empty now except for me.  It took me awhile to get use to Dutch not being there.  I would be sitting and look around noticing Dutch wasn't there and would find myself starting to get up to let him from the outside only to realize he wasn't outside.  He simply wasn't.

Dutch was special.  He took care of the family as much as the family took care of him.  He never caused us any trouble.  He was the best behaved dog there was.

Dutch was indeed special.  He is missed.