I was sitting in my favorite spot in my living room this morning listening to an album that was released fifty years ago. Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" stared at me as the music wafted through my ears and into my head landing in the memory bank of my mind. I first saw and heard Steely Dan perform "Do It Again" on "The Midnight Special" one Saturday night. Donald Fagen had a distinct voice that caught my attention immediately. It was a good song with good lyrics. Back in the 1973 pop music was, in my mind, in the middle of the greatest decade of rock music in my lifetime. The years 1965 to 1975 plus maybe a couple of years added to each side of that timeline took rock, country and jazz music through a magnificent metamorphosis. I can look back to the Top 40 of any week during that decade and my mind just whispers to me, "wow....". As I scanned my memories from 50 years ago I started thinking what I was like 50 years ago. Looking back 50 years ago even I wouldn't recognize myself. I was a kid of 16 then with my whole future ahead of me. I had yet to buy my 1967 Impala. It was a time of transition for me from Debbie to Barbara with my last few months of freedom on that front being realized. I had my career picked out but that was about the only thing of consequence I had accomplished.
My mind shifted to the changes my life had gone through in just the last ten years. I thought about how I am now compared to just ten years ago. "Just ten years ago". During the ten years that followed 1973 I had graduated High School, married Barbara and adopted Brett. I was in a job with a company that would see me through to my retirement. In 1983, it still felt like I had my whole future ahead of me with a lifetime to go. Time passes quickly though. As I look back I can see that now and realize that life is ever changing and it doesn't stop until you take that last breath. I am much closer to that last breath now than I was in 1973, 1983 or even 2013.
As I look back at myself in 2013 compared to today the changes are dramatic. Brett had graduated high school 13 years before and had left Barbara and me with an empty nest. Dutch never got over Brett not being there and go crazy wild every time Brett came walking through the door. Dutch was only 5 years old at the time and still had his tank of energy at full. In 2013 I would take Dutch for a weekly walk as I had Rudy before him. I did not walk Dutch as far and as long on those walks as I had Rudy though. Rudy had developed problems with his joints at an early age. I did not want that to happen to Dutch.
Barbara's health was just beginning to slide on that downhill slope. Her back was just beginning to bend forward as the fusion of her spine began. She was able to still ride with me to Alabama to visit family but in 2013 we only ventured that direction once a year. Mom and dad were still living in Kansas City but slowly their health was beginning to decline as well. In three years they would relocate to Alabama to live closer to my sister. When they moved was when my hands were full trying to take care of Barbara whose health was on a rapid decline, and dad's health was starting to fail as well. As a family we decided that Elaine could take better care of mom and dad than I could while I was trying to take care of Barbara. I think Barbara's last trip to Alabama was in 2014. She made one more trip, that being to Texas for her nephew Travis' wedding. As far as I know she never left Kansas City after that. It was too hard on her back to even make a trip across the state to St. Louis.
We were on the last of the Saturns we would buy, Barbara driving a 2007 while I drove my precious 2006 Ion. I think I loved that car more than any other car I had owned except maybe the 1979 Malibu that I had purchased brand new.
Barbara had returned to work and was happy with her job. It would be the last job she held working for R. L. Stein Construction as an office manager. In three short years, the spring f 2016, Barbara would stop working because of her health issues and begin the process of applying for Social Security Disability. I was still working at Dit-MCO putting in my 34th year with the company. I like to think I had attained the status of old-timer among the younger workers that brought a little respect for just staying around so long.
My health was not on the bight side in 2013 though it was much better than Barbara's. I had two big wake up calls in 2012 and 2013. In 2012 I had suffered my first heart attack. It was the first sign to me that maybe I was starting to get old. In 2013 I had my first colonoscopy where they found and removed several per-cancerous polyps. This put me on the three year colonoscopy plan which I was thrilled about. Since that first colonoscopy they have removed per-cancerous with every procedure. As you can guess, I am still on three year plan.
Ten years ago I was still fairly active though. I broke my foot playing basketball with Brett that year and we never finished the game. I claim the victory though since I was up on him as the time of the fracture.
The house had undergone a slight transformation. After having carpal tunnel surgery on both my wrists, it was near impossible for me to paint the house. Putting vinyl siding on the house became our first major improvement on the house other than a couple of new roofs over the years. It improved the look of the house dramatically. Barbara and I did not spend a lot of money ten years ago as we saw ourselves nearing our 6th decade of life and started trying to save a little bit for retirement. Barbara was more concerned about our readiness for retirement than I was or so it seemed to me. I didn't require a lot of money to keep me happy and I thought I would do very well keeping the standard of living we had then on into retirement. After mom and dad moved south, my trips to Alabama became more frequent and I depended upon Brett and our neighbors to keep an eye on Barbara due to her health. I did not like leaving her alone with only Dutch to keep an eye on her.
I think it was around 2013 when my natural cynicism rose to a new level concerning events and life in general. When President Obama was elected in 2008 I held out hope that he would be a good man for the job. I even made an entry in this blog about my hope for the new administration. By 2013, that hope had been obliterated. My cynical side became stronger and I went int a phase of life of not trusting or believing anyone outside my own little family. In 2013 I saw the world as a huge mess with respect being thrown out the window. The youngsters of 2013 (under twenties) did not seem to take seriously anything. They did not have respect for the country or the system that made this country as great as it is. Ten years later I look back at those kids in 2013 and realize that they were not too different than I was in 1973. Strange how that works.
Now I look at myself in 2023 compared to that person I just described. I am calmer now than I was ten years ago. I don't let my anger out hardly at all. I tend to let things slide a little bit more. I feel like I have come to accept the way the world is. I do not understand a lot of things that go on in the world these days but things do not seem to bother me as drastically as they use to.
I am retired now after receiving a kind reminder from God that I am mortal by way of a second heart attack. That heart attack the day before Barbara's birthday put me in the same hospital, in the same ICU just down the hall from where Barbara had died. Those few days gave me plenty of time to think. I thought about where I was and where my life was going. I confirmed my thinking that life is indeed far to short. I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had not lived my life to it's fullest. Perhaps a little Charles Dickens crept into my thinking that I still had time, just as old Ebeneezer Scrooge had time to change a little.
I find myself in this phase of my life as entering the end game. I am heading towards 70 now, an age I never could foresee happening. I began my life with Barbara in the form of a first date 50 years go. It was not always easy during those years. There were plenty of rough times mainly because of myself. We made it though. During those last years with Barbara we grew closer to each other on a daily basis.
Now the nest is not only empty, my whole life feels empty at times. The house especially feels so quiet and empty. Dutch died last November, Brett of course is out making his way through life and Barbara has been taken to her heavenly home.
I find myself trying to learn how to live on my own by myself. I have had to overcome my anxiety about making phone calls and still have a ways to go on that. I have to learn how to keep up the house and keep it in order. I have to learn to keep doctor and dentist appointments. I have to learn to keep a healthy diet. I have learned to keep myself busy and out of the house a day or two each week. I have found a place to volunteer my time to helping others.
I have to learn to deal with the silence and the emptiness that I feel not only in the house, but in my heart.
I guess the biggest change from 2013 to 2023 is that in 2013 I felt a purpose. I was working. I was taking care of loved ones. I was being productive. In 2023 I am still productive. I am still active. I do feel that in 2023 I am being myself more than I ever had in the past. I use to spend what seemed like every hour of everyday I was trying to do the right thing, to please somebody to do what was expected of me instead of what I wanted. I feel like the vast majority of my life was not about me but what others expected of me. There hasn't been a lot of "Bill" in my life. I am trying to change that. Still though there are times that when I do take a step in that direction, I suffer consequences from people who still have those expectations and there is nothing I can do or say to change those attitudes. Even now as I contemplate whether to publish this put it out for the world to read, I have a hesitancy because of some of those factors from long ago.
But in 2023 I also realize I am aging and as time ticks away ever so quickly I age even faster. There are times when I feel so alone in a house that in the past I had craved to be alone in once in awhile.
I feel like I am existing from day to day to day knowing that one day that last breath with finally come.
This writing did not take the course I was thinking it would. I strayed a little I think. I do think I painted a picture, albeit a sloppy picture, of how I have changed from who I was in 2013 to who I am today. I am a work in progress still.
I keep moving forward.
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