THE DIFFERENCE IN TEN YEARS

I was sitting in my favorite spot in my living room this morning listening to an album that was released fifty years ago.  Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" stared at me as the music wafted through my ears and into my head landing in the memory bank of my mind.  I first saw and heard Steely Dan perform "Do It Again" on "The Midnight Special" one Saturday night.  Donald Fagen had a distinct voice that caught my attention immediately.  It was a good song with good lyrics.  Back in the 1973 pop music was, in my mind, in the middle of the greatest decade of rock music in my lifetime.  The years 1965 to 1975 plus maybe a couple of years added to each side of that timeline took rock, country and jazz music through  a magnificent metamorphosis.  I can look back to the Top 40 of any week during that decade and my mind just whispers to me, "wow....".  As I scanned my memories from 50 years ago I started thinking what I was like 50 years ago.  Looking back 50 years ago even I wouldn't recognize myself.  I was a kid of 16 then with my whole future ahead of me.  I had yet to buy my 1967 Impala.  It was a time of transition for me from Debbie to Barbara with my last few months of freedom on that front being realized.  I had my career picked out but that was about the only thing of consequence I had accomplished.

My mind shifted to the changes my life had gone through in just the last ten years.  I thought about how I am now compared to just ten years ago.  "Just ten years ago".  During the ten years that followed 1973 I had graduated High School, married Barbara and adopted Brett.  I was in a job with a company that would see me through to my retirement.  In 1983, it still felt like I had my whole future ahead of me with a lifetime to go.  Time passes quickly though.  As I look back I can see that now and realize that life is ever changing and it doesn't stop until you take that last breath.  I am much closer to that last breath now than I was in 1973, 1983 or even 2013.

As I look back at myself in 2013 compared to today the changes are dramatic.  Brett had graduated high school 13 years before and had left Barbara and me with an empty nest.  Dutch never got over Brett not being there and go crazy wild every time Brett came walking through the door.  Dutch was only 5 years old at the time and still had his tank of energy at full.  In 2013 I would take Dutch for a weekly walk as I had Rudy before him.  I did not walk Dutch as far and as long on those walks as I had Rudy though.  Rudy had developed problems with his joints at an early age.  I did not want that to happen to Dutch.

Barbara's health was just beginning to slide on that downhill slope.  Her back was just beginning to bend forward as the fusion of her spine began.  She was able to still ride with me to Alabama to visit family but in 2013 we only ventured that direction once a year.  Mom and dad were still living in Kansas City but slowly their health was beginning to decline as well.  In three years they would relocate to Alabama to live closer to my sister.  When they moved was when my hands were full trying to take care of Barbara whose health was on a rapid decline, and dad's health was starting to fail as well.  As a family we decided that Elaine could take better care of mom and dad than I could while I was trying to take care of Barbara.  I think Barbara's last trip to Alabama was in 2014.  She made one more trip, that being to Texas for her nephew Travis' wedding.  As far as I know she never left Kansas City after that.  It was too hard on her back to even make a trip across the state to St. Louis.

We were on the last of the Saturns we would buy, Barbara driving a 2007 while I drove my precious 2006 Ion.  I think I loved that car more than any other car I had owned except maybe the 1979 Malibu that I had purchased brand new.

Barbara had returned to work and was happy with her job.  It would be the last job she held working for R. L. Stein Construction as an office manager.  In three short years, the spring f 2016, Barbara would stop working because of her health issues and begin the process of applying for Social Security Disability.  I was still working at Dit-MCO putting in my 34th year with the company.  I like to think I had attained the status of old-timer among the younger workers that brought a little respect for just staying around so long.

My health was not on the bight side in 2013 though it was much better than Barbara's.  I had two big wake up calls in 2012 and 2013.  In 2012 I had suffered my first heart attack.  It was the first sign to me that maybe I was starting to get old.  In 2013 I had my first colonoscopy where they found and removed several per-cancerous polyps.  This put me on the three year colonoscopy plan which I was thrilled about.  Since that first colonoscopy they have removed per-cancerous  with every procedure.  As you can guess, I am still on three year plan.

Ten years ago I was still fairly active though.  I broke my foot playing basketball with Brett that year and we never finished the game.  I claim the victory though since I was up on him as the time of the fracture.

The house had undergone a slight transformation.  After having carpal tunnel surgery on both my wrists, it was near impossible for me to paint the house.  Putting vinyl siding on the house became our first major improvement on the house other than a couple of new roofs over the years.  It improved the look of the house dramatically.  Barbara and I did not spend a lot of money ten years ago as we saw ourselves nearing our 6th decade of life and started trying to save a little bit for retirement.  Barbara was more concerned about our readiness for retirement than I was or so it seemed to me.  I didn't require a lot of money to keep me happy and I thought I would do very well keeping the standard of living we had then on into retirement. After mom and dad moved south, my trips to Alabama became more frequent and I depended upon Brett and our neighbors to keep an eye on Barbara due to her health.  I did not like leaving her alone with only Dutch to keep an eye on her.

I think it was around 2013 when my natural cynicism rose to a new level concerning events and life in general.  When President Obama was elected in 2008 I held out hope that he would be a good man for the job.  I even made an entry in this blog about my hope for the new administration.  By 2013, that hope had been obliterated.  My cynical side became stronger and I went int a phase of life of not trusting or believing anyone outside my own little family.  In 2013 I saw the world as a huge mess with respect being thrown out the window.  The youngsters of 2013 (under twenties) did not seem to take seriously anything.  They did not have respect for the country or the system that made this country as great as it is.  Ten years later I look back at those kids in 2013 and realize that they were not too different than I was in 1973.  Strange how that works.

Now I look at myself in 2023 compared to that person I just described.  I am calmer now than I was ten years ago.  I don't let my anger out hardly at all.  I tend to let things slide a little bit more.  I feel like I have come to accept the way the world is.  I do not understand a lot of things that go on in the world these days but things do not seem to bother me as drastically as they use to.

I am retired now after receiving a kind reminder from God that I am mortal by way of a second heart attack.  That heart attack the day before Barbara's birthday put me in the same hospital, in the same ICU just down the hall from where Barbara had died.  Those few days gave me plenty of time to think.  I thought about where I was and where my life was going.  I confirmed my thinking that life is indeed far to short.  I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had not lived my life to it's fullest.  Perhaps a little Charles Dickens crept into my thinking that I still had time, just as old Ebeneezer Scrooge had time to change a little.

I find myself in this phase of my life as entering the end game.  I am heading towards 70 now, an age I never could foresee happening.  I began my life with Barbara in the form of a first date 50 years go.  It was not always easy during those years.  There were plenty of rough times mainly because of myself.  We made it though.  During those last years with Barbara we grew closer to each other on a daily basis.

Now the nest is not only empty, my whole life feels empty at times.  The house especially feels so quiet and empty.  Dutch died last November, Brett of course is out making his way through life and Barbara has been taken to her heavenly home.

I find myself trying to learn how to live on my own by myself.  I have had to overcome my anxiety about making phone calls and still have a ways to go on that.  I have to learn how to keep up the house and keep it in order.  I have to learn to keep doctor and dentist appointments.  I have to learn to keep a healthy diet.  I have learned to keep myself busy and out of the house a day or two each week.  I have found a place to volunteer my time to helping others.

I have to learn to deal with the silence and the emptiness that I feel not only in the house, but in my heart. 

I guess the biggest change from 2013 to 2023 is that in 2013 I felt a purpose.  I was working.  I was taking care of loved ones.  I was being productive. In 2023 I am still productive.  I am still active.  I do feel that in 2023 I am being myself more than I ever had in the past.  I use to spend what seemed like every hour of everyday I was trying to do the right thing, to please somebody to do what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  I feel like the vast majority of my life was not about me but what others expected of me.  There hasn't been a lot of "Bill" in my life.  I am trying to change that.  Still though there are times that when I do take a step in that direction, I suffer consequences from people who still have those expectations and there is nothing I can do or say to change those attitudes. Even now as I contemplate whether to publish this put it out for the world to read, I have a hesitancy because of some of those factors from long ago. 

But in 2023 I also realize I am aging and as time ticks away ever so quickly I age even faster.  There are times when I feel so alone in a house that in the past I had craved to be alone in once in awhile. 

I feel like I am existing from day to day to day knowing that one day that last breath with finally come.

This writing did not take the course I was thinking it would.  I strayed a little I think.  I do think I painted a picture, albeit a sloppy picture, of how I have changed from who I was in 2013 to who I am today.  I am a work in progress still.  

I keep moving forward.

THE GOSPEL

 I have always been somewhat of an introvert throughout my life, especially around people I do not know very well and in social situations.  When I was young I followed the close friends that I had in these situations in interacting with people and was able to pull it off pretty well.  These few friends were easily able to act in a very normal way in groups of people and I just followed their lead in conversations and such until I felt comfortable with what I was facing in a particular moment.  My elementary school school friends, Doug, Mark and Phil allowed me to walk across these social land mines as I progressed.   During my High school years it was Ronnie, Scott and Larry as well as Debbie that filled this requirement that I had in society.  All of these friends may not have realized I was using them as a shield during these moments but I was.  They were good at being social while I was not.

After I met Barbara, she took over that role.  Barbara was as extremely outgoing as I was extremely shy, unsure of myself and very hesitant about putting myself out there for the world to see.   My whole life has been one of hiding the real me to anyone that I did not know very well, protecting myself from being judged by the world concerning my social awkwardness.  Barbara made new friends and her friends became mine.  Barbara participated in social events while I tagged along for the ride.

After Barbara died I found myself left on my own.  My social interactions were restricted to family members, both immediate and extended.  I was fairly good interacting with people that were mine and Barbara's friends, well mainly Barbara's friends that were mine my default, but even in those situations I feel like I was holding back, slipping into that shell that I hid in as a child and young adult.  I became detached from a lot of those people without Barbara to be a social buffer for me.  I simply did not, and still don't know how to interact smoothly in a social confrontation.

After Barbara passed I reconnected with an old friend of mine.  Lisa had lost her husband a few years before I lost Barbara.  We have been hanging out together and are pretty close friends.  Lisa and I are both a little gun shy when it comes to people one or the other of us do not know.  She has become a big help in my tiptoeing through those awkward situations with her friends and I helping her in situations with mine.  We compliment each other fairly well.

Lisa and I cannot be with each other all of the time though because of events going on in her life and things going on in mine so each of us still have a lot of times where we find ourselves on our own to deal with these situations. I think she is making progress while I am still stumbling through each day.

I started noticing a change in my personality over the last several months to a year concerning how I interact with people.  As most of you know I do have a severe anxiety problem that I have been working on for several years.  Now I am trying to deal with it on my own.  The change in this part of my personality is something like this.  Someone starts to talk to me and I respond.  I respond but with a little bit of anxiety thrown into the mix.  I seem to start off ok I think, but soon I notice my voice and actions becoming more animated, I start talking faster and when asked a question at this point my answer turns into this long roundabout way, throwing in facts that are not related taking a long time to say very little in a voice where I cannot control the volume, the speed or make any sense at all.  After one of these encounters I find myself back in the house thinking about what I had said and how I responded and to be totally honest, I feel embarrassed.  I feel ridiculous like I made a total fool of myself.  I end up beating myself up over it telling myself "stupid stupid stupid".

I feel like it hit a new high point of embarrassment lately.  I have decided to return to a church that has been a very important part of my life in First Baptist Grandview.  Barbara and I had left the church in the mid to late nineties because we both felt the church, and the inner politics that come with it, were heading in a complete opposite direction than where we felt a church should be headed.  Let me interject an aside here:  We were wrong to do so.  It showed we had given up on the church and instead of fighting to make changes and corrections, we ran away.  There are members of the church still there that had faith and stayed and pretty much got the church back on track,  I truly admire these people from my past.  It could not have been easy but they did it and now I am going back to a much stabler church than the one I left so many years ago.

Okay you say.  What does all of this have to do with The Gospel?  I feel like I have not given my Christian testimony on this blog which is bad considering how long the blog has existed.  My social awkwardness and my anxiety as of late has brought me to the realization of the changes going on in my mind in how I deal with talking and explaining and people looking at me like I am an out of control idiot.  I feel like I am seen as obnoxious to these people who I am meeting at the church as they try to get to know me.  So here it is.

Dr. Mike Nelson came to Grandview quite a while after Barbara and I had left.  He came to the church when it was at a critical point as far as Grandview saw the church and I believe the church had been damaged.  Not because of the immediate predecessor to Dr. Nelson, but because of the actions of some of the members.  What I have seen in that church is a healing process that has taken several years.  Dr. Nelson has put into place things that the church had lost.  He has led a tweaking of the church constitution, which is badly needed and in reality, a bit more Biblical than the one written so very long ago.  The church is growing under his pastoral leadership.

One of the things that has changed is the way in which the church takes in new members.  Back in the old days, when I became a professed Christian and church member at the ripe old age of ten or so, all a person had to do was go forward during the invitation hymn and profess their faith and belief and ask to be a member of the church.  The pastor would ask the church, more or less, "So, what do you think?  Do we accept them as a new member?" and the church would say "Sure!!" and that was that.  A new Christian and a new member of the church.  It was this approach that led to the situation that made Me and Barbara decide to leave First Grandview.

Dr. Nelson has put into place a format for membership that I feel every church should have.  The prospective member starts to attend the church and begins to be a part of it, just like the old days, but then the changes come.  Dr. Nelson has established a "New Members Class" or seminar in which you meet with other potential members in a class and Dr. Nelson leads a discussion with the group into what the church believes, how it stands on individual faith, belief and character.  After completing the class Dr. Nelson has a meeting with you individually.  He asks a lot of questions concerning your faith, the path that your life has taken over the years, and your over all testimony as to how you came to be a Christian.  During this time it also gives him a good understanding of who you are and allows him to get to know you on a personal level.  If there comes up questions in his mind as to whether there may be a problem, he takes it to other leaders in the church to discuss.  If there is a problem, you are made aware of what it might be so you can work on that part of your life.  If there are no red flags, then he presents you to the church for membership, the church knowing you have been fully vetted.  I see this as cutting off a lot of future problems that could arise down the road, as it did way back in the 90's.

This is where my anxiety kicks in. I started attending services.  Then I started attending Sunday School classes.  My new social personality slipped in and I talked, well like I described earlier.  Then I decided that I was being led back to this church so I signed up for New members class.  Oh my, I felt like my anxiety kicked into second gear when I would try to talk.  I would end up going home trying to figure out how to control my anxiety while in these situations.

Then came my individual talk with Dr. Nelson.  I felt like it was a disaster.  I talked about myself and how I had been raised in the church.  I talked about my family, my parents and my siblings and how active we were in the church.  I talked about how at 10 years old I understood what it meant to be a Christian and had been baptized.  Then cam the married years.  I told him about Barbara and all of her children's choirs she had created over the years in the churches we had attended.  I told him about how I helped Barbara by playing the piano for her kids, how that had turned into playing piano for an adult special needs class and eventually playing for the Children's Church service every week.  I spoke of my years as a deacon at the church.  My introduction to church politics and how that had been a HUGE eye opener for me as far as the church was concerned and how that eventually led me and Barb to leave First Grandview for another church.

At the end of our talk, he observed that I had mentioned the Gospel several times and wanted to know what I meant by the Gospel.  What did I think the Gospel was.  I gave a short quick answer that, in my mind, does not suffice in describing the Gospel.  I told Dr. Nelson that earlier in my life I would probably quote John 3:16 to describe the Gospel but since that time I had discovered 1st Corinthians 15.  We discussed that chapter of the Bible and then the talk was over.

Since that day I have given it a lot of thought.  What exactly IS the Gospel in my belief.  Here is my answer:

The Gospel is the Bible taken as a whole, both Old and New Testaments,  I believe that when you study The Book you can find not only God, but Jesus the Son throughout the entirety of it, again both Old and New Testaments.  The Gospel is The Word Of God, written by men who were told what to write by God.  Many people say inspired by God and I think that works as well.  It is a book that explains to us that God is The trinity, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. It is a book on how to live life, a godly life.  It is a book on what God expects of us and a book of God's incredible love for each and every one of us.  It is a book that explains how each and everyone of us are flawed because of the fall of man in Eden and that we can never live up to God's standard.  It is a book that tells how God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to the earth to teach us and much more.  Jesus was born to a virgin, conceived to be pure and without sin by God.  Jesus was the ultimate Sacrifice to God by God to atone for our imperfections, or sins.  It is a book that gives us hope and assurance that Christ acts as our intermediary between us and God so that our sins are forgiven.  It is a book that tells how Jesus, after being Sacrificed was taken back into Heaven through the Ascension to sit on the right hand of God.   It is a book that tells of God then sending the Holy Spirit to fill our lives and helps us on our journey towards what God wants us to be.  It is a book that saves us from eternal damnation to an eternal life in the Presence of God.  It is a book that tells us that the only way to be forgiven and saved is to believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and came to earth, was sacrificed and rose from the dead to make it possible for God to forgive us of our oh so imperfect lives.

We fall short on a daily basis in God's eyes.  Many times a day.  None of us are perfect.  It is impossible.  We are human.  God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the Trinity, Three in One.

The Gospel is the entire Bible.  Every word of it given to us by God for us. It is a Book that should be taken seriously and studied and to learn from.  To gain knowledge and wisdom.  I do not believe any man can understand the Bible totally.  There is so very much in it. 

That might sound a bit ... disorganized of an explanation, but that is how my mind works these days.

So, to me that is what The Gospel is.  It is what I believe and what I hold dear.

BARBARA ANN CLARK - THE FUNERAL

 Today marks four years since Barbara's funeral.  I have written three previous pieces about Barbara and her life but have neglected to write about her funeral service.  I think it deserves at least a small writing.

In 1981 a gentleman arrived at our house and knocked on the door.  He was from Floral Hills Funeral Home and Cemetery.  He was calling on us to talk about pre-funeral planning.  I figure the reason why we invited him in to talk to us was that we had experience with the funeral home.  Barbara's mother was buried there and my Uncle Melvin was buried there as well.  He explained that the cemetery was opening up a new section of the cemetery with a new way of parsing out the plots.  It sounded strange at the time.  Instead of Barb and me buying two plots, this new system would allow us to purchase just one.  This is the strange sounding part.  The two of us would be buried together in the single plot, one of us over the other.  The result of this new area was that while it would cost more than a single traditional plot it would be far less expensive than buying two separate plots for the two of us.  After talking with him the both of us thought it made sense and so we let him talk further into the idea of pre-funeral planning.  He talked about everything that we could set up in 1981 so that when the time came when one of us passed away everything would be paid for and available.  He left us some brochures as we asked him to let us talk it over and set an appointment for him to return to talk to us in a few days.

We did discuss planning for the future in this area of life.  We were, after all, planning for our future in almost every other area of life.  We were putting money into a 401K retirement account every paycheck.  We had purchased our house from Mr. and Mrs. Allard.  He was a teacher and coach of my sister and he coached me in football and baseball.  She had given me piano lessons for several years.  We had just finished paying the first actual new car that we had bought.  I had purchased life insurance on myself in addition to the life insurance the company offered to protect Barbara and our future child.  We also had started the process of adopting a child.  The things that this man was laying out for us seemed like the logical thing to do. We decided to follow through on the pre-funeral plan and spent the next few hours going through brochures with him.  We picked out our caskets.  We selected the marker that would be placed on our plot.  We selected and paid for the cards that would be given to those attending our funeral.  Everything was paid for except for the renting of the chapel and the opening of the grave when the time came.  Barbara thought that we may want a funeral in a church instead of at the funeral home so we left that off.  Otherwise, everything was taken care of.  Barbara was 26 and I was 25 when we bought everything that would be needed for a funeral.  In about 15 years it would all be paid for and not a worry for whatever the future held.

Now we move forward to July of 2018.  Barbara was facing a surgery that was extremely risky.  Neither of us knew what the outcome would be going into that surgery.  During the month or so before the surgery Barbara began getting things in place.  She only discussed with me what changes would need to be done to the house and our schedules when she came home from the hospital after the surgery.  We made changes in the bathroom.  She had already been forced to store her clothes on a lower plane than she use to be able to have.  The kitchen had also changed since she started getting worse.  Cabinets we not used much.  The kitchen table became her cabinets.  To me it was a disorganized mess, but to her it was what she needed and she pretty much knew where to find things.  

The night before the surgery right before I went to bed, she called me over to her chair. I sat in my chair next to her and she turned her computer towards me.

"I have something on the computer I want you know about," she said very seriously. 

 She pointed to an icon on the computer.  Underneath the icon was a single word. "If".

She tapped the computer screen with her fingernail.

"This file is for you just in case."  As she said this her eyes never left me.  She wanted to be sure I understood.

"In case of..??" I asked, with an idea of what the "in case" was.

"You'll know.  I don't want you to open it until it is time to, ok?"  She was still staring at me so seriously.  I knew exactly what she was referring to now.  "If" things did not go the way we were expecting them to. "If" she did not come home.  I promised her I would not be opening that file.  Her eyes got a little wet and she patted my hand as I gave her a kiss goodnight.

As we left the house on the morning of the 16th of July, neither of us were thinking, or at least talking about anything other than the outcome being that she would come home. As she went into surgery and we talked for the last time, kissed for the last time and expressed our love for each other the last time, the knowledge of the "If" file left my mind.  

As the week progressed and the reality of what the outcome of this week was going to be I remembered the "If" file.  I would come home to take care of Dutch and rest a little before heading back to the hospital.  During those few hours at the house I would open her computer and stare at that icon with "If" underneath it.  I did not open it though,  It wasn't time to open it yet. I would return to the hospital still holding out hope that I would not need to open it although as the week progressed it became painfully clear that I would be opening that file.

July 22, 2018.  In the morning the the nurses were checking Barbara constantly.  The ICU doctor came in more than usual checking on her.  I stepped out in the room for a second just to think and was approached by the hospital chaplain.  She talked to me a bit although I can't remember what was said.  She was basically holding out a hand to me if I needed it.  That was the day that Barbara's vitals all crashed at once and I left the room while they tried to stabilize her.  That was the moment I realized I would be opening the "If" file.

July 23, 2018. The doctor came into Barbara's room and put her hand on my shoulder.  We talked about the situation.  All that could be done had been done.  They began to take her off of life support as I gave her one last kiss.

My mind was racing as I walked out of the ICU for the last time.  I was blessed to have my sister Karen there with me, my cousin Ellen and other cousins.  Barbara was gone.  I sought out Ellen and asked her to call Floral Hills and have them start getting the paperwork for Barbara's funeral arrangements moving, which she did.  While I was phoning Barbara's sister and telling her what had happened, Ellen was getting things moving.  She came back and told me the funeral home had the files and were beginning to get things together.  It was arranged that I would go to the funeral home ... you know I can't remember if it was the next day or the day after that.  

Anyway, I got home in the afternoon of the day that Barbara passed.  My neighbors were sitting out on the front deck of the house next door waiting for news.  I talked to them and that little group remembered times with Barb with me. It was something I needed.

It was that evening when I was alone that I reluctantly turned on Barbara's computer.  I stared at the "If" icon for a few minutes before opening it.  I won't go into detail about what she had written but it was an amazing file.  She started by telling me to carry on.  She was ok now.  She told me she knew I would think I could not do it, but I had to, if anything for Brett.  She said that mine and Brett's suits were in a dry cleaning bag in the hall closet along with our white shirts.  She had Lori take them to be dry cleaned. 

She asked if I would ask Keith to do her funeral.  Keith was Keith Gibson.  He had been in Barbara's first children's choir and had grown up to be a minister.  We had started attending his church several years before and he had become the man we knew as our pastor.  She listed the music she wanted played.  One of the songs, not surprisingly, was a song I had never heard of.  Barb was much more up to date on music than I was.  When it came to music for me, it had might as well been 1974.  She also said she did not want a lot of flowers because I wouldn't know how to take care of them.  Instead, she wanted people to make donations to the Missouri Baptist Children's Home, where we had adopted Brett from.

She had everything planned out "If".  

Karen went with me and Brett to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director and make the final arrangements.  I did not have to pick out a casket.  I did not have to do much of anything.  All that hard stuff was already done and paid for.  The funeral director asked me about flowers and I told her about the children's home, but I would like a spray for the casket but I had my own florist that I was going to use.  I told her I would be using Kamp's for the spray.  She looked surprised and told me that was the the funeral homes florist.  She asked me why Kamp's and I told her about my grandfather and our family history with Mr. Kamp. So the spray for her casket came from Kamp's and that was good.

I was also instructed by the funeral director to bring some clothes for Barbara the next day.  I had no idea what to do when it came to that.  On the drive home I tried to think about outfits that Barbara liked, but how would I find them?  Would I be able to put an outfit together?  When I got home I walked back to Barb's room to start trying to put something together for her.  I walked into that room and there, laying on the bed, was an outfit laid out.  I cried at that point.  She had thought of absolutely everything.

The funeral was set for the next Saturday July 28, 2018.  Keith came over to talk to me and Brett about Barb.  He pretty well knew a lot about Barb but it was good to talk to him about her anyway.  He told me he was honored to speak at Barbara's service.  This was the first inkling of the impact that Barbara had made on people's lives.

So now the funeral, which is what this was supposed to be all about.  It was sad but good.  We had rented the big chapel at Floral Hills.  I knew Barbara had a lot of friends, classmates from high school , people she had attended church with, I just had a feeling a lot of people loved my wife and would be there.  That feeling proved out on that Saturday.

I am not a good people person.  That was Barb's job in our relationship.  she dealt with people while I just followed.  That Saturday though I had to stand there with my son and sister in law as people came to pay there respects to Barb and to offer their condolences to my little family.  It was not easy.  There were people who I knew their names but had never met.  There were people I had known through the years with Barb.  There were a lot of people.  The showing of love that people had for Barbara was ... I guess overwhelming.

They played the songs that Barb had wanted and Keith talked.  Keith talked about Barbara and how he had come to know her as an adult.  He talked of her smile and her laugh.  He talked of her impact on his family, on his children.  He talked about Barb's love for sweatshirts that had funny sayings on them that referred directly to herself.  He spoke of her impact on so many peoples lives.  He finished by telling the story of Barb's faith and how anyone could have the faith and assurance that Barb had.  He spoke the Salvation message, which I was very pleased with.  Barbara would have expected him to do no less than that.

The plot that Barb and I have is not far from the chapel at Floral Hills.  We had decided to forego using a hearse to take Barbara to the site.  Our nephews and a couple of cousins acted as pall bearers and walked next to Barbara's casket as we walked out of the chapel, across the drive and down to the grave site.  Me and Brett followed them and all of the people who had come to pay their respect for Barbara followed us.  It was special.  I think Barbara would have loved it.

At the gravesite, Keith read scripture and talked more about what death is, what it means, and what comes out through death with having faith in God and the resurrection that gives that assurance.  It was a wonderful service and I can not ever thank Keith enough for his words on that day.

After the funeral family and friends went over to my cousin Ellen's house for a dinner that would allow all of us to remember Barbara.  To laugh about things she had done, to remember her and to express how blessed we all were to have had her in our lives.

I was exhausted when I arrived home that evening.  I sat up all night thinking about our life together over those 42 years.  I thought of good times, bad times, fun times and rough times.  We had been through a lot.  For some reason she thought I was worth working hard to stay together.  I honestly do not understand that.  

In the days following the funeral, I began to adjust to my new life.  Barbara's wish for making donations to the Children's home was followed as I sent checks totaling over $500 to the organization that had given her our son.

Dit-MCO had given me as much time as I needed after Barb's death and I took that time to accept my sister Elaine's invitation to spend some quiet time in Alabama while I made mental adjustments.  Eventually I returned to Missouri and went back to work.  I began to work on starting a life without her.  For the first time in my entire life, I was living alone.

Thank you to all of you who attended and for all the prayers given during that time.  Thanks to a special set of people who gave me support during that time.  My sister Elaine and brother Bob.  My sister Karen.  Cousins Ellen, Susie, Pete, Eric, Jerry and a special friend Phil Vinyard who was there at hours early in the morning to check on me and Barbara and for being there early that last morning of Barb's life when I was feeling so helpless and alone.

Barbara showed tremendous strength and courage to prepare for whichever way the surgery went.  I will always admire her and be thankful to her for that. 

I am continuing to move forward in life without Barbara.  I still love her.  I miss her.  I always will.  But I know that Barbara would not want me to sit and fade away from life.  She said so in the "If" file.

ENTRY NUMBER 499

Like ENTRY NUMBER 498, I will not be posting this on Facebook so I can pretty much say whatever I want without offending anybody.  More or less, as the mind speaks my fingers put down the words.  I was pretty pleased with ENTRY NUMBER 498 so let's try it again.

 My neighbor Sally turns 86 years old next month.  She is a petite lady rising above the 5 foot mark by about 2 inches.  Her mind is sharp.  She has a friendly and helpful personality.  You have to be careful though because she can also be a fiery lady as well.  She and her husband, Bob, moved into the house across the street back in 1996, good neighbors the whole time.  Bob passed away about 15 years ago and it seemed that Sally made the transition pretty good although it was difficult for her.

Sally is independent.  She is strong and does not like to ask for help although she readily gives help when she sees a need.  During the time when Barbara's health began to deteriorate, Sally, along with my other neighbor Charlene, kept a close eye on Barbara.  Barbara was as much of an independent as Sally is.   During the time when Barbara was still able to drive and able to accomplish things with difficulty, Sally was there.  Barbara would come home from grocery shopping and start to carry a bag at a time to the front porch where she would then carry a bag at a time into the house.  Sally would come over and talk Barbara into letting Sally carry the bags from the car to the porch so Barbara could carry them into the house.  As Barbara's health worsened, the more help our neighbors gave.  I am lucky to have the neighbors that I do have.

Sally, as I said, does not like to ask for help.  She has begun to acknowledge that at her age, she does need help here and there but that doesn't mean she likes to ask for it.  A couple of weeks ago I received a call from Sally asking me if I was busy.  The light bulbs in Sally's garage door opener and her overhead light in the garage were burned out.  Her garage door would not open.  I went over and replaced the lights and Sally pressed the button to open the garage door.  It would not open.  After looking at her door I discovered it was locked.  Somehow Sally had accidentally locked her garage door. I walked her to the door, explained what was wrong and showed her how to unlock the door if it should happen again.  As she was walking me back through the house and thanking me, she slowly broke into tears.  She expressed how she felt so alone and didn't know how to do things.  I told her that her, Charlene and myself were there for each other.  That's what friends and neighbors are for.  We lean on each other.

What I want you to take from the telling of that event are four things.  First, of course, is that Sally is very independent.  Second is that she feels vulnerable as she gets older.  Third is that the lady loves to drive her car.  That is not a bad thing.  Not yet anyway.  She is sharp minded.  She is a good driver and she knows her limitations while driving.  For example she does not drive on the highways.  She knows that her reflexes aren't what they use to be and so she stays on the side roads and never drives far from home.  The last thing is that Sally like a routine.  She does not like change or things that take her out of her comfort zone.  She does not like surprises. This leads us to what happened last Friday.

Last Friday morning Sally had gone to the DOV to renew her drivers license.  While she was there something happened that had never happened to her before.  She failed the eye test..  The lady at the DOV gave her a piece of paper to give to her eye doctor when she went to get glasses.  The paper was a sign of Sally getting older.  It was a paper that the doctor would tell the state if Sally was fit to drive or not.

She showed up at my front door shortly after noon that day.  She was anxious.  A wrench had been thrown into her day to day machinery and she did not know exactly what to do. At the DOV they had given her the name of an eye doctor that is approved by the state who was located in Belton.  To Sally, Belton might as well be a hundred miles away.  She did not know the town.  She wasn't sure how to get there and she certainly did not have a clue as to where the address of the eye doctor was located.

I did my best to calm her down and we talked about what had happened that morning.  I would make sure that we got this taken care of.  I had nothing else to do so I would drive her to Belton for the exam.  We called the phone number and made an appointment for Monday afternoon. After telling her not to worry and giving her a pat on the back, she headed home.

Saturday morning Sally called me again to make sure I hadn't forgotten about Monday's eye exam.  Her anxiety was building and I think she was a little scared that she would not be able to drive anymore.  The way I figured it, she was driving around the neighborhood without any problems so the adjustment to her eyes would be minimal.  That seemed to calm her down a bit for the time being.  I would not hear from her until Monday.

I had told Sally we would leave around three on Monday and so a little before three I stepped out of my house to find Sally walking up my driveway.  I smiled at her and she told me to let's get this over with and off we went.  It was a long appointment.  Sally is a talker and loves to tell stories to people.  I imagine there was a lot of story telling going on during her exam.  She came out of the exam with the paper the doctor had signed telling the state that her eyesight, with corrections, would allow her to drive safely.  She picked out some frames and we headed home with a much relieved Sally.

She insisted on buying me an early dinner on the way home so we stopped at Freddie's and got some pattie melts and fries before heading back home.  Sally was happy.  Today she mailed the paper to the state and now all she has to do is wait for her new glasses before heading back to the DOV for her license and her day to day routine returning to normal. 

Having good neighbors is important.  I am saying that from my perspective.  Me having good neighbors is important and I have two great neighbors, Charlene and Sally.  The three of us are single and live alone.  Sally losing her husband several years ago, Me losing Barb in 2018 and Charlene just lost her husband last July weekend.  We are the same the three of us and each of us need help from time to time.  I put a couch and a chair in the dumpster Charlene had rented last fall and Sally put a microwave and some boxes in the dumpster I rented a few weeks ago.  The theme between the three of us is that we are all in this together and we watch out for each other.  

Good neighbors are hard to find.  I am extremely lucky.  You get a good neighbor, help them.  It is indeed a rarity to have such fine ones.

It is 10:30 pm tonight.  It has been overcast but a nice temperature most of the day.  When I went to the store to pick up my prescriptions, a lady who was walking just in front of me into the store informed that it was a nice day but we would pay for it with storms tonight.  I did not ask for her weather forecast, she just offered it to me.  It is nice to have people feel relaxed enough in this day and age to talk to strangers like that.  It felt good.  She was right though.  Thunder, lightning and rain have arrived in Kansas City.

I like the rain.  I like the sound and the smell of it.  The only problem with rain, especially when accompanied with thunder and lightning is getting Dutch outside to do his business.  He doesn't mind the rain but the lights and the sounds make him rather skittish.  Tonight he will more than likely sleep close to my bed during the night as if I could protect him from it.

This rain is also a good thing for my dogwood tree.  It was one of my gifts from Dit-MCO on the occasion of my retirement.  They gave it to me as kind of a replacement for Barbara not being able to be there.  It was a thoughtful gesture and one that I very much appreciated.

Life is marching on.  I was thinking about that this morning as I sat quietly by myself eating oatmeal for breakfast.  Life does not stop and soon I will be a memory just as Barbara, all my grandparents, my sister, my dad and all those aunts and uncles as well as many friends have become.  Just a memory that will fade to obscurity as the generations come and go.

Going to school for the first time.  Playing baseball, then football and finally basketball and making the school team.  That first kiss from Valerie, who is now herself but a memory.  Time with Debbie and meeting Barbara then marrying her.  Working for dad and finding my place in the labor force. Meeting Ronnie for the first time and all the fun we had discovering music together to spending time with Larry and all the evening in the church parking lot playing basketball.  Seeing Brett for the first time and bringing home as my son followed by raising him on Beatles tunes.  Watching Barbara leave this world and telling people at my fathers memorial service in Alabama about my dad.

Memories.  We hold onto them as much as we can.  We lose a lot of those memories over the years due to time or age.  My dad was starting to lose his memory when Barbara died.  Barbara adored my dad and I think dad kind of like her as well.  To be honest dad "kind of liked" me too.  That was dad's answer all the time.

Me: Love you dad

Dad: yeah well I kind of like you too

It brings an unusual smile to my face these days.  I don't smile much anymore.  I am thinking that maybe I am forgetting how to smile.  What about a laugh?  Almost unheard of coming from me.  My sense of humor is fading like the memories.  I look at this world, in these times we find ourselves and I don't think there is much to laugh about.  As Americans we are divided and there is almost a hatred among the people of my country.  I remember studying and observing the fight to desegregate our country and it feels like just as we are right there. I look around and see that re-segregation is on the rise and moving fast.  The strange thing is that the very people who fought so hard to integregate the country are leading it back into segregation.  It saddens me.

I do not understand America anymore.  Hell, I don't think I even understand human beings anymore.  Everything seems to be upside down and sideways inside out.

I want simplicity to make a comeback.  I want critical thinking to become a thing again.  I want the Constitution of the United States to stand for something.  I want to see a return to true ... TRUE ... freedom of speech in this country.  Without that, this country means nothing.  That is what makes The United States so special.  The right to a free and open exchange of ideas.  We do not have that anymore.  The public square has been dismantled.

I think, at the moment I am typing this, that I am kind of glad I won't be around to see the path this country is headed down and where it ends up.  I truly believe that this country, this Democratic Republic that has proven itself, in my mind, is the greatest country in modern history.

My heart is truly saddened by what I have seen happening to it.

Enough for ENTRY NUMBER 499 in this blog.

A CAREER COMES TO AN END

September 1, 2021.  I was sitting at my desk working out the puzzle of untangling lines to make an artwork that would become a printed circuit board.  It was a nice fall afternoon with the sun shining and I was totally focused on the task at hand.  About 12:30 in the afternoon my chest started to feel odd.  It was a small pain that made me feel like someone was lightly pushing on my chest.  I shook it off and continued to work but the pain and pressure started to increase.  Soon the pain became so severe I found it hard to breathe and found myself clutching at my chest while moans of pain escaped from my lips.  I remember Patrick, who had been helping me train Ian on how to use the software to create printed circuit boards, showed up at the opening to my office as I was falling out of my chair towards the floor.

"What's going on Clarkster?" Patrick asked as he bent over to catch me from hitting the floor.

I struggled to get the words out of my mouth.  My chest felt so tight I could barely summon up enough breath to speak. "I think .... heart attack...." as my voice faded off at the end.

Patrick immediately disappeared as I lay on the floor and the pain intensified.

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I have written about my chosen career in previous posts at some length.  In short I grew up fascinated with art.  I wanted to draw badly and after buying some books and trying my hand at it I discovered that I did indeed draw badly.  I discovered the world of drafting while helping my dad work in the sheet metal shop at Rycom Instruments on the occasional Saturday.  I would wander up the stairs and walk around the building taking in what the company did.  One day I walked into the drafting room. Machines that had rulers attached to them were mounted on large tables.  I look at the drawings still unfinished taped to the table tops.  It was there at the age of around ten that I decided that this was meant for me and my calling in life was to do this kind of drawing.  I was able to get a job as a Junior Draftsman at the age of 17.  Through an "on the job training" program offered by the high school I was able to graduate a semester early with all my credits to work full time at Rycom.  I worked at Rycom until I was 22 in 1978 when I left to work for Labonco Corporation.  After only a year at Labconco I was asked to join the team at Dit-MCO International by some of my peers who had also left Labconco.

On December 3, 1979 I drove up 63rd Street to the Byram's Ford Industrial Park. The park was the site of a Civil War battlefield that was part of the Battle of Westport.  In what was now an industrial park was one of the bloodiest sites of the Westport confrontation,  Dit-MCO was the second largest company in the park, the other being a Pepsi-Cola distribution center.  At the time Dit-MCO occupied 5 buildings in the park along with a little house that was painted pink affectionately referred to as "The Pink House" among the employees.  The company had 2 engineering departments at the time and my department was located in "The DuPont Building'.  DuPont was located in the rear of the building with Dit-MCO in the front. I nervously walked up the steps and through the door where a young lady asked if she could help me.  After explaining that I was starting to work there,  she led me into a room where I saw my former co-workers from Labconco.  They welcomed me warmly and showed me to my desk.  I felt almost at home with these friends getting me set up at a desk, taking me on a small tour and helping me to settle in.  There were only a handful of people I did not know at the time but would become pretty close to all of them.  One of those faces I met for the first time would become a great friend to me and my family until his death in 2017.  Dennis Purduski was not in a good mood that morning.  The ballast on the light fixture over his table had started leaking it's tarry black insulation liquid on his drafting table over the weekend and the man was storming back and forth trying to clean the mess up and talking under his breath.  In June 1980, the company moved us to a building in Kansas City, Kansas at 6th and Central.  The day we moved in my drafting table ended up directly in front of Dennis' table.  He looked at the person behind him and then at the worker in front of me then looked at me very seriously.

"You and I?" he said matter of factually, "are going to become very good friends" and then he sighed.

He was correct.  We became extremely close.  We ended up being naturally associated with each other almost as much as Barbara and I were.  It was not uncommon to being referred to as one entity that was "Bill and Den".  Dennis received the affection and friendship of Barbara.  She became use to Dennis and myself going off to the races together, going to Kansas City Kings basketball games, going out after work to a bar across from the office for happy hour every Wednesday because they had free food.  Neither of us drank so I had a coke and Dennis had an orange juice as we sat there listening to the jukebox, talking, laughing and eating for free.  Dennis went to Alabama with Barb and myself to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and my family one year.  When Brett came along Dennis became Uncle Den as he and Brett would spend lots of time together.  I do miss him so.

When I began working at Dit-MCO there were almost 500 employees.  During the mid 80's Dit-MCO began downsizing as many companies were because of a recession.  Dennis got caught in the downsizing and his time with Dit-MCO came to an end but our close friendship did not.

It was a good company.  Dit-MCO had benefits that few companies offered.  The company wanted loyalty from their employees and they did whatever needed to be done to keep their employees.  One of the benefits that they offered was paying for any college or educational courses that you took as long as it related to your job or was going towards a degree.  I started back to school almost immediately and finished a 2 year degree at Longview Community College followed by finishing my education at Park University.

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After Patrick vanished I was able to open my eyes and look around.  I decided I probably should get to the hospital.  I was able to slowly stand up and work my way to a table in the room.  I had to stop and lean on the table when I got there.  I couldn't breathe and I was still clenching at my chest from the tightness and the pain.

It seemed like I had just got to the table when Sang, the VP of Engineering, came through the doors heading towards me with Patrick close on his heels.

"What are you doing?" Sang demanded as he walked in and saw me.

"Going to drive to the hospital.  I think I need to." I replied.

Sang pointed at me and gave his order. "You aren't driving anywhere.  Lay down on the floor.  Has anyone called 911"  No response. "Patrick call 911. Clarkster, you have any aspirin?"

"umm ... no ..."

"Rodney go see if you can find some aspirin.  Todd, call Kenton and tell him we need the defibrillator over here.  Somebody go get Brett."

Sang was like a general knowing exactly what had to be done and delegating assignments among those in the immediate area.  Then he squatted next to me and his voice softened a bit.

"How you feeling Clarkster?  You just relax, we got this." and then he looked around thinking what else had to be done.

It was not very long before Sang's dispatches returned from their assignments.  Kenton showed up with the portable defibrillator, unbuttoned by shirt  and placed the wired pads on my chest.  Patrick called out that an ambulance was on the way,  Rodney reported that no aspirin could be found.

"No aspirin in the whole building?  A hundred people working here and no aspirin?"  Sang asked?

Rodney shrugged his shoulders, "None that I could find.  No one on the floor had any."

Brett walked up to me and Sang gave him room to move in closer.

I pointed at Brett, "Tiger, I need you to do something.  Phone is on my desk. Text your Aunt Elaine and text Lisa and let them know what is going on, ok?"

"Sure thing dad", he answered adding "I love you".

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 Dit-MCO gave me plenty of travel opportunities and I loved it.   The company sent Dennis and me to Chicago on an almost annual trip.  We were to attend a trade show at McCormick place, which we did.  Kind of.  The company didn't mind us going because it didn't cost them much.  All the company had to pay for were airline tickets, cab fares and meals.  We provided lodging and that was how we got the annual trip.  Dennis had a cousin who lived in Naperville, a small town to the west of Chicago.  His cousin lived about 2 blocks from the Naperville train station.  We would fly into O'Hare, take the train to Naperville, and walk over to the cousin's house.  In the morning, we would have a good breakfast with the cousin and his friends, walk to the station and arrive at Union Station in downtown Chicago.  We would take a cab over to McCormick Place and spend a good part of the day picking up literature and samples to prove we actually attended the show.  Then it was two days of fun.  The first day of fun was ALWAYS at the Museum of Science and Industry.  I do believe that by the time our trips came to an end we had seen most of the museum.  It was the Holy Grail to us.  Then we would see other sites like the Sears Tower or the Hancock Building even took one trip up to see Wrigley Field but it was in October and the Cubs would not be playing and if they were it was sold out.

The company started a research project on an optical testing system and I was put on the team.  We had signed on with a small company in Berkeley, California to help with the optics.  It was about once or twice a month for 2 years of visiting the Bay area for a week at a time.  There was not a lot of time for site seeing and the work was complicated, but we did manage to see quite a bit during those couple of years.  On one trip to the Bay, Bill Wilson and I went out on a Saturday giving us time to drive down to Monterey and see Pebble Beach Golf Club and Cannery Row (I am a HUGE fan of John Steinbeck).  So it wasn't all work and no play.  My last trip with Dit-MCO was a trade show for Printed Circuit Board industry.  I very much needed to learn and the company flew me out to Massachusetts.  On this trip I did attend seminars and classes and soaked up as much as I could in three days .... out of five.  On Tuesday of that week I drove in to Quincy and Plymouth.  I saw all of the John and John Quincy Adams sites.  It was something I thought I would never see.  A quick trip to see Plymouth Rock, The Mayflower and other various things made for a great day.  On Thursday I took the "T" into Boston arriving in Boston Commons.  I did a walking tour of Boston that was loaded with history.  Too much to even go into now but maybe in a future writing..  I want to emphasize though, that on Monday, Wednesday and Friday I was working hard at the trade show learning.

The other trip that stands out in my mind was one to Anaheim, California.  It was a trade show that Dit-MCO was a vendor with a booth to inform customers of our products.  Gus and I stayed for most of the day but then decided to take off and head for Long Beach where we took a tour of the Queen Mary and saw Howard Hughs' Spruce Goose.  Fascinating. That evening the two of us flew up to the Bay Area to resume working on the optical project.

Thank you Dit-MCO.

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As I lay there on the floor with Kenton monitoring the portable defibrillator I heard the electronic voice from the device.  "START SHOCKS NOW" then it would be quiet for a few seconds only to repeat the command.

"Kenton," I gasp between pains, "Don't you dare..."

Kenton let out a small laugh and said, "As long as it shows you have a pulse, I won't".

"Thanks".

I remember pointing at Sang and accusing him of this being his fault for working me so hard.  Brett came back and asked me how I was feeling and informed me that he had texted both Elaine and Lisa.

"I cannot believe there isn't any aspirin in this whole building!" Sang said with an incredulous tone.

David, the newly hired CEO of the company put something under my head while my colleagues chattered among themselves around me.

"The ambulance is here" Rodney reported and Sang relayed the message to me.

"Okay Clarkster, the ambulance is here.  How you doing?" he asked.

"Doing ok boss man"  

The paramedics arrived and began asking questions about my medications. I could not remember them.  They hooked me up to a monitor and put an oxygen mask on me.  That helped me breathe much easier.  They had aspirin and gave me a nitro pill.  They then asked if I had a preference on a hospital.

"St. Luke's East.  They have all my medical records."

The paramedic glanced at his partner before saying "East is a ways away.  Plaza ok?"

"Yeah.  Sure, The Plaza will be fine."

After a few more readings of the monitors they put me on a gurney and began rolling me out the door, down the ramp and to the ambulance.  Brett was walking beside me assuring that he would get my car to the house.  They slid me into the back of the ambulance and as the doors slammed shut, I closed my eyes trying to get my thoughts in order.

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I enjoyed my job.  I was drawing, pencil on paper.  It was art in a way I told myself.  Sure I had the aid of straight edges and circle templates, but there was a skill to it.  Not only was I drawing I was designing.  I was creating things and mathematically making sure the parts would fit together and do what they were supposed to do.  I was not only creating art on paper, but seeing that art morph into metal by way of the machine shop. 

Then the mid-eighties happened and the personal computer began to make it's appearance across the industry.  The electrical engineering department had just begun using AutoCAD for drafting and design.  There was no doubt in my mind that the future was here and I had better get a jump on it.  I went to management asking them if I could get a computer and start learning AutoCAD.  I was told that I could, but on my own time.  They set me up with a computer in a room in the back of the production area and after work everyday I sat and learned.  Soon I had a computer on my desk along with my old drafting table that was being used less and less.

As the downsizing at the company continued, the number of buildings we occupied became less.  I was one of the last three to leave the Kansas City, Kansas office and the company buildings were quickly cut to three.  When we cut to two buildings, I moved into a new office without a drafting table present. I was totally on computer now.  I wasn't drawing anymore.  Not drawing by hand anyway.  It was a learning experience though and I did enjoy it.  It was still drawing but with a different medium.

I am not sure how I survived the downsize or why the company ended up keeping me.  I never asked.  I didn't need to know why.  I had my job and I loved both the job and the company.

One day I was out on the floor helping put together one of our machines, Ralph Taylor, then Vice President of Engineering called me over to where he was sitting and watching us work.  He told me he wanted me to learn the PCB software because it would give him a reason to keep me around.  I thought about that a long time.  A reason to keep me around could be a bad thing or a good thing.  It didn't really matter as I had no choice.  I began learning software to do a type of engineering I had only dabbled in way back when I was just starting out at Rycom.  Shortly after I started working with the software, Dan Nipper who had been at Dit-MCO from the beginning, retired.  I was on my own.  There were a couple of engineers who had a little experience with the software and I tapped into what knowledge they did have to help me.  It would be a rough period in my career as I learned the art of laying out a printed circuit board and learning the complicated software at the same time.  In addition to the board layouts, I still filled in with AutoCAD and the 3D version of AutoCAD named Inventor.  All of a sudden I was using four very complicated software packages and expected to us them proficiently.  Eventually I would accomplish that goal and I  began to be able to make those printed circuit boards look beautiful and be works of art in and of themselves.

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 "Ambulance rides are not the smoothest around", I thought as we headed towards the Plaza.

Two paramedics were in the back with me while the other one drove.  I swear I could feel every bump in the road as we came close to the Plaza District of Kansas City, Missouri.  The Plaza is one of Kansas City's nationally known areas.  It was the first "shopping center" in the country.  That is the claim anyway.  The roads in The Plaza are narrow and congested.  It sits in a small valley in which Brush Creek makes it's way through the city.  It seems like it is always in repair in one way or the other. The old buildings that made up the original Plaza are repaired by redoing the surfaces of the outside structures to keep them safe and beautiful.  Recently the roads in the Plaza have come under the attack of construction equipment as they are slowly rebuilt and resurfaced.  Traffic is still heavy in the district and with all of the orange cones everywhere you look with some roads closed off for the construction, it can be pretty slow moving through the area.  Such was the case on that September day.

I began to get worried once when the ambulance made a right turn.  One of the paramedics leaned forward and looked out the front window.

"Hey!  We're going to St Luke's, right?"

I just lay there quietly trying to keep the pain in check.

The driver yelled over his shoulder, "Yeah, we got a traffic jam ahead.... going to have to go around to get to Broadway!"

"Oh! Okay.  It's that time of day I guess!" the paramedic answered the driver.

This whole time they were talking to the hospital giving my vitals and my ETA to them.  Finally the ambulance went into the garage where the emergency room was located and came to a stop.  The paramedics opened the door and pulled me out.  As we hit the automatic doors that went to the ER, I was suddenly surrounded by masked nurses in gowns of paper talking back and forth to the paramedics to get all the information they would need.  Soon I was in a little crowded room with people all over me, all doing a specific chore that they were assigned to do.  They took blood.  They hooked me up to new monitors.  They replaced the paramedic IV with their own.  Questions were flying at me and I answered as best as I could while the pain persisted.  I am not one that tolerates noise very well but I knew I had to listen so I could answer them.  I closed my eyes again to try to hold the pain at bay and focus on the questions and the details they were sharing with each other about me.

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Over my career I have toyed with the idea of retirement every now and then.  When Dit-MCO offered a 401K retirement plan, I discussed it with Dennis.  I was only 24 at the time and retirement?  Well that felt like all the time in the world.  At the time Dit-MCO was matching employee contributions up to 8% which is a pretty good rate.  Dennis convinced me that it was free money.  Take it while they're giving it away and so I did.  The institution that was controlling the 401K gave us all some strategy in how to set up our investments.  The younger you are, the more aggressive you can be but as you get older, become more conservative with how you invest.  I set it up at aggressive and never looked at it.  

My friend Gregg is about the same age as I am and both of us were born in October. Gregg started at Dit-MCO a couple of years after I did so we worked for many years together.  About 20 years ago we started joking about retiring on the same day.  It would be a lot of fun we thought.  Barbara use to laugh at the thought of me and Gregg as two old men skipping out of Dit-MCO holding hands and singing.  It was just a far away dream that neither of us really saw it happening.  We couldn't see that far into the future.

I remember when I turned 60 thinking, wow just 5 more years .... or 7 ... maybe 10 or 11 depending on how much Social Security I would receive.  I began looking into it and it looked like I might have to work until I was 71 so I put the thought of retirement away in the back of my mind.

Dit-MCO was very good to me in giving me time off to take care of my Uncle and my sister and Barbara as well as helping out mom and dad a bit.  It was something I had to do and they understood.  Still retirement was far from having to think about it NOW .... plenty of time before I would have to deal with that.

July 23, 2018.  Possibly the worst day of my life.  Barbara had heart surgery on the 18th of July that did not go well.  After a week of sitting by her side, myself and the doctors agreed that Barbara's body and her organs were too damaged to keep her living.  The kidneys were not working.  Her liver was failing.  Her heart could not sustain a heart beat.  Her lungs did not have the capability of bringing in oxygen.  Barbara died that day as I gave her my last kiss that I could while she was still alive.

Three months later my father would suddenly pass away when his heart just... quit.

I sat alone on New Years Eve of 2018 thinking.  I did not know what my future would look like.  I lost a big chunk of my inner drive that day.  I became tired as 2019 started.  I had to keep moving forward in life.  I knew that.  There were times I did not want to continue forward but I overcame and continued on.  I started thinking more and more about my 65th birthday.  I would reach that in 2021.  The thought that I would probably have to work until the age of 71 stayed with me though.

Then a day in March of 2021 came around.  I woke up to see about four inches of wet Kansas City snow on the ground and on my car.  As I was outside moving that heavy snow off of the car in the dark I made my decision.  The next weekend, look at the 401K.  Look at the bank accounts.  Come up with what I actually have and figure out how soon I can retire.  I was tired.  I was fed up.  I did not have any motivation anymore.  Since Barbara had died, Dit-MCO had become less of an exciting career and more of a miserable, mind draining job that I did not look forward to going to everyday.  My fire was out.

After going through the finance excersize I was very surprised. Putting money in that 401K since I was 24 had turned into a nice little nest egg.  I decided to check it out with a financial advisor just to see if I was thinking right.  My sister Karen gave me the name of her financial advisor and I decided to go for it.  Matt Brown met me in May of 2021 and we went over my assets.  He worked up a financial model.  The result was that yes, I could retire and be comfortable at the age of 65.  That was a Friday afternoon.  On Monday morning, I turned in my letter of retirement to Dit-MCO as being October 15, 2021.  I was giving them plenty of time to replace me and for me to train my replacement.  October 15th it was.  I counted up my vacation days and found I could start working 4 days a week with a vacation day each week until October 15 rolled around.

The plan was put into action.

-----------------------------------

As the nurses each completed their assignments on me, the little room in the ER began to slowly thin out.  The nurse that was in charge of screening calls to check on my condition started showing up a time or two.

"There is a lady saying she is your sister, a Karen?  Is it okay to let her know how you are doing?"

I smiled.  Karen is not my blood sister but my sister by way of being my eldest sister's best friend.  To me, she truly is my sister.

"Sure.  It's ok.  She needs to know"

I looked through the nurses that were still bustling around me and saw Brett.  Now there is one thing you need to know about Brett.  He has a very real hospital phobia.  I don't understand it.  He doesn't understand it.  Yet here he was in the ER with me.  I waved him over to talk.

"Did you get a hold of Elaine?" I inquired.

Brett let out a sigh. "Yeah.  I texted her.  To get your car home, Rodney followed me out to the house then drove me back to the office so I could get my car to head over here.  She called me on my way over here and asked me 'Where are you?' so I told her I was driving. 'Why aren't you at the hospital?'  I told her I was on my way there and explained I had to get your car home and I would be here in a minute or so."  The he smiled and let out a little laugh.

The nurse came back in and announced, "A lady saying she is your fiance' is on the phone ... is it ok?"

"I ain't got no fiance' " I smiled and laughed as much as the pain would let me.  I knew it was Lisa knowing they wouldn't give her information if she was "a friend".

"So, I guess you got a hold of Lisa?" I asked Brett.

He had a grin on his face. "Well it sounds like she got my text."

About that time Brett's phone notified him of a text.  He read it then looked at me.

"Lisa is out in the parking lot.  They only let one person in to see you."

I directed him to go out to the parking lot and talk to her and let her know everything was good.

The nurse came in and said they were getting a room ready for me.  He looked at me and inquired about the pain level.  He could see on my face I was still not feeling real well. 

"Let me get you a little morphine" he said

I am not one that likes to take drugs. "I won't get hooked on it will I"

"Oh yeah ... one shot of this and tomorrow morning you'll be snorting crack up in your room."  He chuckled.

It was the first time I had any real pain medicine in my life that I could remember.  It did help to ease the pain.  Soon they came to take me up to the fourth floor.  It is one of the Heart Issues floors.  When I got there and settled in, after the nurses took my vitals and did everything they were supposed to do, I was left alone.  It occurred to me that Barbara had spent a lot of days on this floor of the hospital over the last few years of her life.  I slept a little that night but not much.  My mind was full of thoughts of not only the remembrances of Barb being in close proximity to where I was but also what my future was going to be.

The next morning was September 2.  Barbara's 66th birthday. That hit me hard.  Suddenly the door opened and in walked .... Brett?  I was so glad to see him.  I knew this wasn't easy for him but he was doing his best.  He had brought my MP3 player, my phone and charger cables for each of them. He stayed and talked awhile but pretty soon had to head to Dit-MCO.  He left me with an "I love you dad" before heading out.  I really love that kid.

My assigned cardiologist came in with his nurse to talk.  They had taken some sonograms or something and found I had two blockages in my heart just off of the aorta.  One of them was 99% blocked and the second one was 88% blocked.  He explained a lot of stuff that I didn't really understand and told me they wanted to do a procedure that afternoon.  I would have to sign some papers but it was a common procedure to put some stents in to clear out the blockage.  I said sure and signed the papers.

Soon they came and took me to get my stents.  I can't tell you much about it.  It was strange though.  It was like I was asleep but I heard everything they were saying.  Weird.

When I got back to my room Karen was waiting for me.  I was so glad to see her.  we visited awhile and it was a good visit.  Visits with Karen always are good.

That night I was in my room alone.  I picked up my phone and started looking at my memories from Facebook.  It was filled with Happy Birthdays to Barbara.  They were from both before her death and after.  I looked at the pictures of Barb and memories flooded my mind.  Soon I was wiping my eyes as tears started to blur my vision.  Just then the night nurse came in and looked at me.

"What's wrong Mr. Clark?" she sincerely asked.

"Well, my name is Bill ... so if you don't mind ... today is my wife's birthday." I explained.  I told her how Barb had died and then it suddenly hit me.  I was in the ICU of the heart institute.  Barbara had died just down the hall from where I was laying.  I told her I was going through my phone and all the birthday wishes for Barbara and this nurse did the nicest thing.  She came over to my bed and looked over my shoulder at the pictures on my phone and let me talk to her about Barbara.  She was so kind and it was such a loving gesture.  I will never forget her kindness.

The next morning the cardiologist came in and said everything went great.  I should be able to go home later in the day.  He asked me if I had a ride and I told him I am sure I will.  Lisa had said she would be there that morning.  Sure enough, before to long Lisa walked in.  Dit-MCO had sent me a potted flower pot and Lisa expressed how nice it was.  Lisa and I just talked about things.  How I was feeling.  How she was doing.  And Wow! Brett came over yesterday morning?  A very good visit with Lisa.  Pretty soon the nurse came in to give me my instructions for when I got home.  I listened but Lisa listened intently.  She wasn't going to let me screw this thing up.  Before too long we were on our way out of the hospital.  The nurse pushing me in a wheelchair and Lisa going to get her car.  She took me home and we talked.

"I'm not going back to work.  I'm done." I told her.

"I don't blame you.  So what are you going to do?" she asked.

"Well, tomorrow is Labor Day so I guess I'll go to the office on Tuesday and tell them I'm through".

Lisa agreed with me.  No sense in pushing it getting back to work.

After Lisa left to go home and take care of her family,  I went bed for my first good night's sleep since Thursday night.  It felt good.

-----------------------------------

On Tuesday, September 4, I went to the office.  I went to talk to Sang about my decision and he was very understanding.  I talked to HR and we figured I still had enough vacation days to get me to October 1.  I decided that would be fine with me.  October 1st it is.  I went back to Sang and told him about the vacation days and everything.  I agreed to stay a bit and talk to Ian about the software and come in the next morning and talk to Ian for another half day, then I would be on vacation until I retired on October first.  And that is what happened.

I got informed from Melissa, our clerk in engineering, that we would be having a retirement lunch in Martin City for me on the day of my official retirement.  I sat and thought about my retirement dinner in the following days leading up to it.  I have seen a lot of people retire from Dit-MCO over the years.  They usually had their families there with them as they said goodbye to their friends, coworkers and the company.  I wasn't sure about going but knew I had to.  They had planned it.

On October 1, 2021 we gathered at the restaurant in Martin City.  We had pizza and some had beer while I stuck with my iced tea.  I sat next to Patrick, who had sounded the initial alarm on my heart attack.  Brett was there enjoying an afternoon off.  Gifts were given to me to have memories of my almost 42 years at Dit-MCO.  It was a very memorable afternoon with my friends.

I am not much of a public speaker but they insisted I say something.  I can't remember my exact words but I can remember the feelings that I tried to express with those words.  I was thankful to be able to work with so many good people over the years.  I was thankful to have been able to stay with one company for so long. I expressed how I had envisioned walking out of Dit-MCO with my head held high knowing that I had given the company everything I had until my last day instead of being wheeled out on a gurney with unfinished business yet to do.  I felt bad about that.

Dit-MCO is a good company.  They take care of their people like no other company I know.  The people who I have worked with over the years are great people.  This company does not have backstabbing going on, or power struggles or finger pointing.  Problems come up.  Mistakes happen.  But my experience with the people I worked with was, that when those things arise, we talk about how we can fix it and get it done.  I feel so lucky to have been employed by this company.

But the deepest feeling I felt on October 1 of 2021 was the absence of Barbara.  She loved Dit-MCO as much as I did.  She knew I was happy there for all those years.  She saw how well the company treated their people and how good the people of the company were.  I wanted her by my side that day.  That is how it was supposed to be.

THE SECRET OF 42 YEARS

Yesterday was a good day for thinking.  I got a good nights sleep and woke up somewhat refreshed.  The sun was shining and although the air was cool the sunshine made it warm on my inside.  A blue sky after a Saturday of gray clouds and drizzle seemed to clear the mind for a fresh start to a new day.

What has become a weekly ritual for me over the last year or more was enjoyable.  Meeting Lisa for breakfast at Crackerbarrel was enjoyable.  The order was brought to our table as ordered.  As we do every Sunday morning we talked about what happened over the previous week and what we were anticipating would happen in the coming week.

After finishing breakfast we headed over to the church for Sunday morning services.  The pastor at this little church is not a great orator but he is a good preacher and pastor.  His sermons do get to the point he is trying to convey but it is a process in getting there.  On this Sunday morning my breakfast, the fresh air outside and the slowness of the sermon had the effect of making me drowsy.  Lisa nudge me a couple of times to keep me alert and I managed to be awake when services were over.  We then parted our ways as each of us went to our homes to finish this beautiful day that we were blessed with.

Returning home I sat down to watch Mizzou take on South Carolina in baseball to be followed by watching the Mizzou softball team play LSU.  Both games were disastrous if you were pulling for Mizzou.  Total destruction in both games, but it was relaxing to sit there and enjoy what we were denied having last spring because of Covid-19.

It was a quiet day in the neighborhood.  The gorgeous day had brought the kids on the block outside to play and their laughter was as lovely as the day was.  I had the house opened up.  The front door was open and windows were letting the slight breeze make it's way around the house as the temperatures warmed up into the 70's.

It was the perfect combination for my thoughts to be allowed to wander from the disasters unfolding on the TV from each of the Columbia's in the SEC.  As often happens when my mind wanders, it took me back to that week in July of 2018 as I sat and watched the life slowly slip from my wife's body.

My mind went to the Saturday evening before Barbara would slip away.  The night shift of nurses were coming onto the floor and our nurse was a different one for the weekend than the one who had spent most evenings with us.  These nurses are special in the cardiac ICU.  It takes a special person to do this job.  She came in to talk to me after the day shift nurse had gone home.  The way I saw it was that she was trying to open a line of communication between me and her as Barbara's condition had been continuously declining.  We both knew that anything left to try to help Barbara were becoming scarce.

During this talk it came up that Barb and I had been married for 42 years.   She sincerely asked me what the secret was to being married that long of a time since it seems that few marriages last that long these days.  I remember thinking to myself that I don't know.  I hadn't given it much thought.  I sat quietly thinking about it while the nurse waited patiently for what I would say.

I finally told her it takes a lot of work.  It isn't easy for sure.  You have to let your love for each other get you through the tough times to get back to better times again.  Life in and of itself is a roller coaster ride and marriage is the same way.  There are ups and downs all along the way and it takes two to work through that roller coaster to get to the end of the ride.  That was the short version of the answer I gave her but yesterday I delved into that question a little deeper.

The answer I gave the nurse that evening was correct but then the question comes to my mind how do you do that?  How do the two of you work through the ups and downs over a long period of time.

Realize that nobody is perfect.  We are all human and mistakes will be made.  Sometimes little mistakes that are easily dismissed are created but sometimes serious mistakes are made.  It is not easy but realizing that the wrong that was done was done by a flawed human.  Working through those mistakes are not easy but in the long run those major mistakes can strengthen the relationship.  I know I made some major mistakes in my time with Barbara.  I know that I hurt her.  I also know that somehow she managed to work past those mistakes and continued on with me.  I think that too often we tend to expect perfection from our partners in life when that is an impossible achievement.  Be willing to except the mistakes, whether they are brought out in the open or not, whether an apology has been made or not.  Forgive anyway and trust that a lesson has been learned by both parties and continue from there working to fix that mistake and increase the closeness and love that is there.

Respect each other.  Respect is important.  I had a lot of respect for Barbara even though I did not show or express that to her.  I felt like she had respect for me as well.  If that respect is there it serves as a foundation for accepting the mistakes that are made as the road of life is continued to be traveled down together.

Keep communication open and dynamic.  By this I do not mean to sit and let words be said and hear them but rather to truly try to understand what is being said.  Barbara was much better at this than I am. A common mutual understanding is critical to true communication.   Too many times words expressed by one person are floated in and out of the other's head and dismissed.  Too many times that this happens, it is important words expressing something that is critical to the one speaking.  This kind of listening is hard at times but when you succeed in this deep listening it seems to pay off hugely in the relationship. 

I do know this.  Barbara and I both made lots of mistakes over those 42 years together.  During the last 15 or 20 years of our life together, however, I felt like we could not get any closer or deeper in love than we were on that particular day only to wake up the next morning and find that on this new day we somehow were closer and deeper in love than the day before.  Our life together continued that pattern all along the road together that came to an end, on this earth anyway, on that hot July morning in 2018.

I find that our love is for each other still exists and grows in a way since July 18, 2018.  I feel it each time I visit her resting place.  I feel it in the quiet nights spent alone with Dutch as his only companionship in his eyes. 

There is more to it than those few thoughts I know.  Being best friends to each other is vital.  Being sensitive to each other's feelings is a given.  Neither of us were very good at following these thoughts I came up with, but we were just good enough at them to keep us together.  She better at it than I. 

No, it wasn't easy.  It was hard work.  In spite of all the mistakes that were made during those 42 years, it was so worth the work expended.

I am sorry for all that I put you through Barbara.  I miss you Barbara.

SOME SONGS DESERVE A SECOND, OR THIRD LISTEN

I was driving home from work a few weeks ago, listening to my music when a special song started to play.  As the song ended, I reached up and triggered the CD player in the car back a step to listen to the song again.  After the song began to come to a close, I once again clicked it back to listen to it again.  It came to me that I do this quite often and began to think about that.  I don't do that to every song that comes in the queue.  I then realized that there are certain songs that, when I hear them, one listen is not enough.  The songs ends too soon.  I began to take notice as to what songs effected me in this manner.  Usually the main reason I need to listen to a certain song more than once are the lyrics but the music itself plays a big part in what makes me listen two or three times.  I made a list in my mind of these songs and thought I might share with you a few of the songs that land somewhere deep in my mind to make me decide to listen again.

The song that started this whole thinking process was a song that I have loved since I was pre-teen.  It is Simon and Garfunkel's recording of Paul Simon's "I Am A Rock".  This song, as most of Paul Simon's compositions are, has a wonderful melody.  It is a beautiful song that starts with just Simon and his guitar then slowly builds in intensity until at the very end when it goes quiet and soft and the final few lyrics are sung with just the guitar once again.  It is the last track on the duo's "Sounds Of Silence" album and what a way to end an album that is mind provoking throughout.

The lyrics tell of a person who is a loner.  The words try to justify to himself why he is such and tries to convince him that he enjoys being that way.  It opens with a statement about where he finds himself at the time these thoughts creep into his mind:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow

A rather dark and bleak picture that tends to make a person do some deep thinking.  Then comes the chorus which states the self affirmation of the individual:

I am a rock
I am an island

A simple chorus.  It is only two short lines that are emphasized at the end of each statement that makes up a verse.  I am a rock. I am strong and can withstand anything the world throws at me.  I am an island. I am my own man, my own self and I go my own way.  I think for myself and am not a follower.  It is a powerful two lines that drive his thoughts home.

In between the restating of the chorus are lines that explain why he believes he is a rock, an island.

I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
Its laughter and its loving I disdain

 I am a rock
I am an island

During the course of my life I have hid behind those self made walls.  It is difficult for people to get to know me.  I have spent years building them and over the last several years I have been trying to deconstruct them, to raze them though without much success.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried

I have loved and lost at love before.  It does hurt.  I was lucky to find a lasting love when I met Barbara and it was good.  Three years ago in July I found myself losing love once again as Barbara passed away and once again, losing a love hurt.  This one almost crushed me.  I did cry.  I cried by myself in a darkened quiet house.  I still do every now and again.

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

Ah, books and poetry.  Yes I do have my books and I have poetry.  Robert Frost's writings have brought out feelings in me as long as I have been reading it seems.  John Steinbeck effects me much in the same way.  Poems and novels full of life, meaning and lessons to be learned.  I revisit them often.  Then I also have my music whether I am playing it or listening.  Music comforts me.  I find music almost everywhere I listen.  A train rolling down the tracks behind Paul's Drive-in blowing it's whistle, well I guess they aren't whistles anymore.  Horns.  Still it is a wonderful sound.  Music is everywhere if you listen and pay attention.  I can get lost in the music and the words that I have at my disposal.  They do protect me from what is out there.  My house is my "womb".  It is where I feel safe and am comfortable.  Not a lot of people get into my house anymore.  It is sanctuary to me.  For an individual to get into that inner sanctum, I seem to require that I can trust you with my special place.

I am a rock
I am an island

And then .... and then quietly he tells himself why he feels he has to be a rock.  Why he has to be an island.  The last few lines are sung softly with just a few quiet acoustic guitar chords that are even softer than the voice as he reflects on how he has to see himself in life.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries 

I can't feel pain.  I can't afford to.  I will not cry for that would show the world too much of who I truly am, how I truly feel, how lonely I truly am.

Since I first heard this song I found that I saw a lot of myself in those words and thoughts.  As I grew older I could relate deeper with them.  When I hear that song, that wonderful beautiful song and I sing softly to myself along with the recording, I feel like I am that person and I am talking to myself.  For most people this song is not that high on the list of songs that people think of when someone mentions Paul Simon or Simon and Garfunkel.  It isn't "Bridge Over Troubled Water" or "The Sound Of Silence" but to me, it is probably one of the most honest songs that Paul Simon wrote.  And so I listen to it over, and over, and over ......

I almost feel like I could end this entry at this point.  It pretty much sums it up why I feel I have to listen to a song more than once.  However there are a few more songs that lose me in what they mean.

Warren Zevon.  That name may or may not be familiar to you.  He was a great pianist with a voice that is very distinctive in a Bob Dylan kind of way if you get my meaning. You might be familiar with his biggest selling song entitled "Werewolves Of London".  Yeah, that was the kind of songs he wrote for the most part.  As humorous and eclectic as his songwriting was, if you read between the lines, he always had a message in t here.  You had to search for that message pretty hard at times but the lessons were there.  He made quite a few appearances on The Letterman Show where he was able to reach people who otherwise never would hear many of his songs. His albums were not top sellers and not many of his songs cracked the top forty.  Then came 2002/2003 and his song writing became very retrospective.

In late 2002 Warren Zevon was diagnosed with Mesothelioma.  A cancer of the lungs.  Zevon was only 55 years old when diagnosed and that diagnoses would reach it's conclusion on September 7, 2003 when he was 56.  He decided to put out one more album.  The album titled "The Wind" was a work of passion.  His passion for life, poetry, music and love.  With this final chapter Zevon would bare his soul as he had never done before.  You did not have to read too deeply between the lines to get his message in these songs.  It is a beautiful album that is sad.  It is sad yet celebratory.  It is Warren looking back and looking forward and sharing what he sees and feels.

The song off of this swan song album is a message to his wife, friends and possibly his fans called "Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile".  It is a song telling us he is dying and how he wants us to carry on after he is gone.  It really needs no explanation or interpretation.  It is clear what he is trying to say.  There is no word twisting or assimilation, just feelings straight from his gut and his heart.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called "when all is said and done"
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile 

I'll be honest with you.  This song always brings a lump to my throat.  It is difficult for me to sing along to.  Most times I start to sing, but then I just listen to Warren opening up his thoughts and his heart to the world.  What a special message to leave his loved ones and friends.  "The Wind" is Zevon's farewell and this song sums up the entirety of the album.  Often when I listen to this song my mind wanders to Barbara.  This is what she would want me to do.  I know that.  "If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less".  I can hear Barb saying that to me.  "Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house Maybe you'll think of me and smile".  I can hear her saying that as well and I do think of her and smile.  

Warren Zevon is no longer here on this earth.  The words of his farewell will live on for a long time though.  The words say more then even Zevon could put into words.  I have the feeling that as he finished this song he still probably thought it doesn't say what he is feeling quite strong enough.  And so I listen to this song over, and over and over ......

Leonard Cohen also did a swan song album before his death and I highly recommend to all my readers to listen to it if you get the chance.  It is a short album recorded in his apartment from his favorite chair in his last days.  It is a short album but powerful.  He speaks of his impending death, his faith, old loves and things he did not understand.  The name of this last album is "You Want It Darker". I'll give you just a small taste from "You Want It Darker".  This a verse from the song "Treaty" on that album.  Maybe it will give you a sense of Cohen at the end.

I've seen you change the water into wine
I've seen you change it back to water, too
I sit at your table every night
I try but I just don't get high with you
I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I'm angry and I'm tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

I think Zevon's swan song serves this purpose and I have a quite a few Cohen songs that get repeated depending on my mood.  The one that I think really catches me is called "The Tower Of Song".   In this song Cohen gives us a peek into the mind of a songwriter.  He gives insight into sacrifices made for the craft.

Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

The tower of song.  Writers often isolate while they are working.  They have a special room or house away from all the distractions of the world so their creativity can flow.  When he wrote this song he had been writing for a long time.  He was starting to age.  He has lost friends either to his art or death.  He wants love but he is too busy to bother with it.  The rent?  Every song he writes while locked away in the tower.

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song 

This is one of my favorite verses in the song.  It suggests there in this tower, there is a hierarchy among the artists.  As great of a songwriter as Cohen was, he saw Hank Williams as ranking 100 floors above him.  That, my friends, is a humble man and that is what makes this verse, to me, so special.

I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song

Again, his talent is not of his making.  It is a gift from God.  He felt blessed and grateful for this gift that came at such a price to him. He accepted the gift and paid the price.  That says a lot about who he was.

So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song

Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgment coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song

I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never, we'll never have to lose it again

These three verses spell out what that price was.  The sacrifice of losing loves many times.  The sorting out of the voices of creativity.  No woman can come between a songwriter and his songs.  In a way, the gift he was given was his true love I suppose.  It was what gave him pleasure.

Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
They're moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song

Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

And so the song ends.  Continuing to pay his rent in the tower creating songs and words until the day he died.  I think the reason this song connects with me is that need to create.   Now I am in no way saying I create as great as  Leonard Cohen did.  If Leonard Cohen thought that Hank Williams was a hundred floors above him, then Leonard Cohen is somewhere along the lines of an infinite number of floors above me.  But I do like to write.  I am not as talented with my writing as he was with his music, but it gives me pleasure.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy people reading my writing.  I feel like if I can contribute just a little something to someone's life, I may have accomplished something and so I listen to song over and over and over ....

Thinking about Hank Williams now since Mr. Cohen paid tribute to him in that last song.  Cohen was correct.  The world has produced some great songwriters over the centuries.  Some stand a little higher than others.  Gershwin, Carmichael, Rodgers and Hammerstein so many great songwriters that rank at the top not to mention the jazz and classical composers.  For my money, Hank Williams is right up there at the top with the best of them.  The lyrics that he writes are some of the most heart wrenching love songs ever written and the music that goes with those wonderful words, the melodies, is absolutely gorgeous.  Over the last 68 years since his death it seems like everyone in the music world has covered his songs and each time the song is beautiful.  Now that I think about it, it could be almost impossible to ruin a Williams song.  You can't help but find your soul being pulled into the songs whether listening or singing.  It grabs by the shirt collar and immerses you into the emotion that those songs carry with them.  My personal Hank tune and a song I consider one of the greatest popular songs ever written is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Like Warren Zevon's song discussed earlier, this masterpiece does not need to be thought about what he is trying to say.  It is straight in your face as most of his numbers are.  Hank didn't play games with words.  He wrote what he felt and did it in such a way that it speaks to everyone who gives the time to listen.  So my friends, Hank Williams' "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I've never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves began to die?
Like me, he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry 

It is not a long song.  It is short and straight to the point.  It has that Hank Williams magic embedded into it and so I listen to this song over and over and over .....

I think you get the idea of why some songs, such  as these, make feel like I want more of that.  The song is over way too soon.  There are not a lot of songs that have this effect on me.  I would guess maybe 15 or less.  My mood at the time has a lot to do with it as well.  Some of those artist that I can say gives me a song or two include John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Jim Croce, John Denver, Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, Harry Chapin, Graham Parsons, Neil Young (I really feel like I should have shared one of his songs.  Listen to "The Needle And The Damage Done" or "Long May You Run" to get a sampling).  These artists, these craftsmen have given the world a part of their soul.  I am so glad that they did that for us.  It is that part of themselves that dwell in some of these songs that make me listen to them over and over and over ....