200 YEARS

 August 10, 1821. On that day the United States made it's greatest expansion move since 1776 and still stands as the nation's greatest acquisition.  On that day, 200 years ago, the United States of America granted statehood for the 24th time.  The great State Of Missouri entered into the Union.

Missouri did not enter statehood smoothly though.  It took many debates in Congress what the circumstances of Missouri statehood would entail.  The result was the Missouri Compromise.  Under this compromise Missouri would be the last state to enter the union with the right to make slavery legal if they so desired.  Missouri walked the fine line between slavery and emancipation.  Missouri has vast cotton fields in the southern half of the state, particularly in the bootheel portion of the state.  However, when the Confederacy was created Missouri did not join the rebels.  It remained a Union state much to the chagrin of about half of the population.  Because of this, Kansas came in as a free state and the Civil War brought some of the fiercest fighting along the Kansas and Missouri border.  In many ways the rift between Kansas and Missouri continues to this day.  It is hard to explain the dynamic of it, but you can feel it.

Besides the Missouri Compromise, Missouri has a rich history.  It was where the Lewis and Clark expedition kicked off as they made their way up the Missouri River in search of the Northwest Passageway.  William Howard Clark, yup same name as the one I carry, would become the first Governor of the state.  Both the Oregon Trail and the Santa Fe trail had their jumping off points on the western edge of Missouri.  The Pony Express, which carried mail to western destinations in the wilds was based in St. Joseph.

It is the setting for the last eastern city in the country (St. Louis) and the first western city (Kansas City).  The Great Arch along the Mississippi River in St. Louis is the Gateway to the West.  

This state brought us Jesse and Frank James and the Younger brothers.  Modern day Robinhoods.  St Joseph was also the place here Jesse died.  To those in Missouri he was murdered as a southern folk hero.

This is the state that gave Harry Truman to the nation.  You're welcome.

The state is where the two largest rivers in North America come together with the Missouri River and Mississippi River joining together.  This convergence of the two mighty rivers made Missouri one of the biggest inland ports in the nation.  The Missouri River is also the anchor that created Kansas City from a little trading post called Westport to a thriving metropolis that it is today.

Geography wise the state is beautiful in all parts of it.  From the cotton fields of the southeast to the scenic bluffs over looking the river in the northeast.  The Ozark "Mountains" (even if they do seem more like very high rolling hills) in south central are a wonder in and of themselves.  In mid-October these hills turn into a canvas and a wonder of God's handiwork.  Yes, I have been in New England in the fall and have seen it's beauty, but the Missouri Ozarks can stand toe to toe with it.

Kansas City is known as the City of Fountains having fountains everywhere you look.  It is home to the second largest public park with Swope Park sitting second to Central Park in New York City ... I should recheck that but I am pretty sure it is.  At any rate one of the largest public parks in the nation.

It is a major center of culture and the arts.  Kansas City and St Louis are major centers but the culture runs in all parts of the state.  Questions that?  Visit the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art in Kansas City.  It is world known as one of the great galleries in the world.

Missouri straight out middle America.  It holds that title proudly.  It is a diverse state that celebrates many cultures, races, and philosophies.  It has swung back and forth like a slow moving pendulum between conservative and liberal.  Currently the pendulum seems to be starting it's swing to the left but in about 50 years or so it will swing back to the right.  always has and always will.

One last thing.  The Missouri State Flag is, in my mind, the prettiest, most classy state flag of all the other fifty.

I could write more and I did plan on writing more but distractions with a higher priority came along, so I will stop here giving you a small but good idea of what the state is like.  It is wonderful.  

The sad thing is though, there doesn't seem to be a lot of celebrations planned as far as I can tell.  Of course, I don't follow the news as much as I use to and I am pretty well off Facebook except to check on friends and family to see how they are doing, so there could be a lot going on but I am ignorant of them.

Bottom line is this.  I LOVE THIS STATE.  I am proud to be born here and to have resided here my entire life.  I am proud of this state.  Yes we do have problems just as other states do but to me this is a special place.  I truly love Missouri.  I have been flying my Missouri State Flag since mid July in my own way celebrating this historic day. It is home.  I am proud to call it home.

Happy Birthday Missouri!!!!  Here's to the next 200 years.  I love you.

 

THE SECRET OF 42 YEARS

Yesterday was a good day for thinking.  I got a good nights sleep and woke up somewhat refreshed.  The sun was shining and although the air was cool the sunshine made it warm on my inside.  A blue sky after a Saturday of gray clouds and drizzle seemed to clear the mind for a fresh start to a new day.

What has become a weekly ritual for me over the last year or more was enjoyable.  Meeting Lisa for breakfast at Crackerbarrel was enjoyable.  The order was brought to our table as ordered.  As we do every Sunday morning we talked about what happened over the previous week and what we were anticipating would happen in the coming week.

After finishing breakfast we headed over to the church for Sunday morning services.  The pastor at this little church is not a great orator but he is a good preacher and pastor.  His sermons do get to the point he is trying to convey but it is a process in getting there.  On this Sunday morning my breakfast, the fresh air outside and the slowness of the sermon had the effect of making me drowsy.  Lisa nudge me a couple of times to keep me alert and I managed to be awake when services were over.  We then parted our ways as each of us went to our homes to finish this beautiful day that we were blessed with.

Returning home I sat down to watch Mizzou take on South Carolina in baseball to be followed by watching the Mizzou softball team play LSU.  Both games were disastrous if you were pulling for Mizzou.  Total destruction in both games, but it was relaxing to sit there and enjoy what we were denied having last spring because of Covid-19.

It was a quiet day in the neighborhood.  The gorgeous day had brought the kids on the block outside to play and their laughter was as lovely as the day was.  I had the house opened up.  The front door was open and windows were letting the slight breeze make it's way around the house as the temperatures warmed up into the 70's.

It was the perfect combination for my thoughts to be allowed to wander from the disasters unfolding on the TV from each of the Columbia's in the SEC.  As often happens when my mind wanders, it took me back to that week in July of 2018 as I sat and watched the life slowly slip from my wife's body.

My mind went to the Saturday evening before Barbara would slip away.  The night shift of nurses were coming onto the floor and our nurse was a different one for the weekend than the one who had spent most evenings with us.  These nurses are special in the cardiac ICU.  It takes a special person to do this job.  She came in to talk to me after the day shift nurse had gone home.  The way I saw it was that she was trying to open a line of communication between me and her as Barbara's condition had been continuously declining.  We both knew that anything left to try to help Barbara were becoming scarce.

During this talk it came up that Barb and I had been married for 42 years.   She sincerely asked me what the secret was to being married that long of a time since it seems that few marriages last that long these days.  I remember thinking to myself that I don't know.  I hadn't given it much thought.  I sat quietly thinking about it while the nurse waited patiently for what I would say.

I finally told her it takes a lot of work.  It isn't easy for sure.  You have to let your love for each other get you through the tough times to get back to better times again.  Life in and of itself is a roller coaster ride and marriage is the same way.  There are ups and downs all along the way and it takes two to work through that roller coaster to get to the end of the ride.  That was the short version of the answer I gave her but yesterday I delved into that question a little deeper.

The answer I gave the nurse that evening was correct but then the question comes to my mind how do you do that?  How do the two of you work through the ups and downs over a long period of time.

Realize that nobody is perfect.  We are all human and mistakes will be made.  Sometimes little mistakes that are easily dismissed are created but sometimes serious mistakes are made.  It is not easy but realizing that the wrong that was done was done by a flawed human.  Working through those mistakes are not easy but in the long run those major mistakes can strengthen the relationship.  I know I made some major mistakes in my time with Barbara.  I know that I hurt her.  I also know that somehow she managed to work past those mistakes and continued on with me.  I think that too often we tend to expect perfection from our partners in life when that is an impossible achievement.  Be willing to except the mistakes, whether they are brought out in the open or not, whether an apology has been made or not.  Forgive anyway and trust that a lesson has been learned by both parties and continue from there working to fix that mistake and increase the closeness and love that is there.

Respect each other.  Respect is important.  I had a lot of respect for Barbara even though I did not show or express that to her.  I felt like she had respect for me as well.  If that respect is there it serves as a foundation for accepting the mistakes that are made as the road of life is continued to be traveled down together.

Keep communication open and dynamic.  By this I do not mean to sit and let words be said and hear them but rather to truly try to understand what is being said.  Barbara was much better at this than I am. A common mutual understanding is critical to true communication.   Too many times words expressed by one person are floated in and out of the other's head and dismissed.  Too many times that this happens, it is important words expressing something that is critical to the one speaking.  This kind of listening is hard at times but when you succeed in this deep listening it seems to pay off hugely in the relationship. 

I do know this.  Barbara and I both made lots of mistakes over those 42 years together.  During the last 15 or 20 years of our life together, however, I felt like we could not get any closer or deeper in love than we were on that particular day only to wake up the next morning and find that on this new day we somehow were closer and deeper in love than the day before.  Our life together continued that pattern all along the road together that came to an end, on this earth anyway, on that hot July morning in 2018.

I find that our love is for each other still exists and grows in a way since July 18, 2018.  I feel it each time I visit her resting place.  I feel it in the quiet nights spent alone with Dutch as his only companionship in his eyes. 

There is more to it than those few thoughts I know.  Being best friends to each other is vital.  Being sensitive to each other's feelings is a given.  Neither of us were very good at following these thoughts I came up with, but we were just good enough at them to keep us together.  She better at it than I. 

No, it wasn't easy.  It was hard work.  In spite of all the mistakes that were made during those 42 years, it was so worth the work expended.

I am sorry for all that I put you through Barbara.  I miss you Barbara.

SOME SONGS DESERVE A SECOND, OR THIRD LISTEN

I was driving home from work a few weeks ago, listening to my music when a special song started to play.  As the song ended, I reached up and triggered the CD player in the car back a step to listen to the song again.  After the song began to come to a close, I once again clicked it back to listen to it again.  It came to me that I do this quite often and began to think about that.  I don't do that to every song that comes in the queue.  I then realized that there are certain songs that, when I hear them, one listen is not enough.  The songs ends too soon.  I began to take notice as to what songs effected me in this manner.  Usually the main reason I need to listen to a certain song more than once are the lyrics but the music itself plays a big part in what makes me listen two or three times.  I made a list in my mind of these songs and thought I might share with you a few of the songs that land somewhere deep in my mind to make me decide to listen again.

The song that started this whole thinking process was a song that I have loved since I was pre-teen.  It is Simon and Garfunkel's recording of Paul Simon's "I Am A Rock".  This song, as most of Paul Simon's compositions are, has a wonderful melody.  It is a beautiful song that starts with just Simon and his guitar then slowly builds in intensity until at the very end when it goes quiet and soft and the final few lyrics are sung with just the guitar once again.  It is the last track on the duo's "Sounds Of Silence" album and what a way to end an album that is mind provoking throughout.

The lyrics tell of a person who is a loner.  The words try to justify to himself why he is such and tries to convince him that he enjoys being that way.  It opens with a statement about where he finds himself at the time these thoughts creep into his mind:

A winter's day

In a deep and dark December

I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow

A rather dark and bleak picture that tends to make a person do some deep thinking.  Then comes the chorus which states the self affirmation of the individual:

I am a rock
I am an island

A simple chorus.  It is only two short lines that are emphasized at the end of each statement that makes up a verse.  I am a rock. I am strong and can withstand anything the world throws at me.  I am an island. I am my own man, my own self and I go my own way.  I think for myself and am not a follower.  It is a powerful two lines that drive his thoughts home.

In between the restating of the chorus are lines that explain why he believes he is a rock, an island.

I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
Its laughter and its loving I disdain

 I am a rock
I am an island

During the course of my life I have hid behind those self made walls.  It is difficult for people to get to know me.  I have spent years building them and over the last several years I have been trying to deconstruct them, to raze them though without much success.

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the words before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved, I never would have cried

I have loved and lost at love before.  It does hurt.  I was lucky to find a lasting love when I met Barbara and it was good.  Three years ago in July I found myself losing love once again as Barbara passed away and once again, losing a love hurt.  This one almost crushed me.  I did cry.  I cried by myself in a darkened quiet house.  I still do every now and again.

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

Ah, books and poetry.  Yes I do have my books and I have poetry.  Robert Frost's writings have brought out feelings in me as long as I have been reading it seems.  John Steinbeck effects me much in the same way.  Poems and novels full of life, meaning and lessons to be learned.  I revisit them often.  Then I also have my music whether I am playing it or listening.  Music comforts me.  I find music almost everywhere I listen.  A train rolling down the tracks behind Paul's Drive-in blowing it's whistle, well I guess they aren't whistles anymore.  Horns.  Still it is a wonderful sound.  Music is everywhere if you listen and pay attention.  I can get lost in the music and the words that I have at my disposal.  They do protect me from what is out there.  My house is my "womb".  It is where I feel safe and am comfortable.  Not a lot of people get into my house anymore.  It is sanctuary to me.  For an individual to get into that inner sanctum, I seem to require that I can trust you with my special place.

I am a rock
I am an island

And then .... and then quietly he tells himself why he feels he has to be a rock.  Why he has to be an island.  The last few lines are sung softly with just a few quiet acoustic guitar chords that are even softer than the voice as he reflects on how he has to see himself in life.

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries 

I can't feel pain.  I can't afford to.  I will not cry for that would show the world too much of who I truly am, how I truly feel, how lonely I truly am.

Since I first heard this song I found that I saw a lot of myself in those words and thoughts.  As I grew older I could relate deeper with them.  When I hear that song, that wonderful beautiful song and I sing softly to myself along with the recording, I feel like I am that person and I am talking to myself.  For most people this song is not that high on the list of songs that people think of when someone mentions Paul Simon or Simon and Garfunkel.  It isn't "Bridge Over Troubled Water" or "The Sound Of Silence" but to me, it is probably one of the most honest songs that Paul Simon wrote.  And so I listen to it over, and over, and over ......

I almost feel like I could end this entry at this point.  It pretty much sums it up why I feel I have to listen to a song more than once.  However there are a few more songs that lose me in what they mean.

Warren Zevon.  That name may or may not be familiar to you.  He was a great pianist with a voice that is very distinctive in a Bob Dylan kind of way if you get my meaning. You might be familiar with his biggest selling song entitled "Werewolves Of London".  Yeah, that was the kind of songs he wrote for the most part.  As humorous and eclectic as his songwriting was, if you read between the lines, he always had a message in t here.  You had to search for that message pretty hard at times but the lessons were there.  He made quite a few appearances on The Letterman Show where he was able to reach people who otherwise never would hear many of his songs. His albums were not top sellers and not many of his songs cracked the top forty.  Then came 2002/2003 and his song writing became very retrospective.

In late 2002 Warren Zevon was diagnosed with Mesothelioma.  A cancer of the lungs.  Zevon was only 55 years old when diagnosed and that diagnoses would reach it's conclusion on September 7, 2003 when he was 56.  He decided to put out one more album.  The album titled "The Wind" was a work of passion.  His passion for life, poetry, music and love.  With this final chapter Zevon would bare his soul as he had never done before.  You did not have to read too deeply between the lines to get his message in these songs.  It is a beautiful album that is sad.  It is sad yet celebratory.  It is Warren looking back and looking forward and sharing what he sees and feels.

The song off of this swan song album is a message to his wife, friends and possibly his fans called "Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile".  It is a song telling us he is dying and how he wants us to carry on after he is gone.  It really needs no explanation or interpretation.  It is clear what he is trying to say.  There is no word twisting or assimilation, just feelings straight from his gut and his heart.

Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
Keep me in your heart for awhile

If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
Keep me in your heart for awhile

When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
Keep me in your heart for awhile

There's a train leaving nightly called "when all is said and done"
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sometimes when you're doing simple things
around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile

You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on
your blouse
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you

Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
Keep me in your heart for awhile

These wheels keep turning but they're running out
of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo
Keep me in your heart for awhile

Keep me in your heart for awhile 

I'll be honest with you.  This song always brings a lump to my throat.  It is difficult for me to sing along to.  Most times I start to sing, but then I just listen to Warren opening up his thoughts and his heart to the world.  What a special message to leave his loved ones and friends.  "The Wind" is Zevon's farewell and this song sums up the entirety of the album.  Often when I listen to this song my mind wanders to Barbara.  This is what she would want me to do.  I know that.  "If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less".  I can hear Barb saying that to me.  "Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house Maybe you'll think of me and smile".  I can hear her saying that as well and I do think of her and smile.  

Warren Zevon is no longer here on this earth.  The words of his farewell will live on for a long time though.  The words say more then even Zevon could put into words.  I have the feeling that as he finished this song he still probably thought it doesn't say what he is feeling quite strong enough.  And so I listen to this song over, and over and over ......

Leonard Cohen also did a swan song album before his death and I highly recommend to all my readers to listen to it if you get the chance.  It is a short album recorded in his apartment from his favorite chair in his last days.  It is a short album but powerful.  He speaks of his impending death, his faith, old loves and things he did not understand.  The name of this last album is "You Want It Darker". I'll give you just a small taste from "You Want It Darker".  This a verse from the song "Treaty" on that album.  Maybe it will give you a sense of Cohen at the end.

I've seen you change the water into wine
I've seen you change it back to water, too
I sit at your table every night
I try but I just don't get high with you
I wish there was a treaty we could sign
I do not care who takes this bloody hill
I'm angry and I'm tired all the time
I wish there was a treaty, I wish there was a treaty
Between your love and mine

I think Zevon's swan song serves this purpose and I have a quite a few Cohen songs that get repeated depending on my mood.  The one that I think really catches me is called "The Tower Of Song".   In this song Cohen gives us a peek into the mind of a songwriter.  He gives insight into sacrifices made for the craft.

Well my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

The tower of song.  Writers often isolate while they are working.  They have a special room or house away from all the distractions of the world so their creativity can flow.  When he wrote this song he had been writing for a long time.  He was starting to age.  He has lost friends either to his art or death.  He wants love but he is too busy to bother with it.  The rent?  Every song he writes while locked away in the tower.

I said to Hank Williams: how lonely does it get?
Hank Williams hasn't answered yet
But I hear him coughing all night long
A hundred floors above me
In the Tower of Song 

This is one of my favorite verses in the song.  It suggests there in this tower, there is a hierarchy among the artists.  As great of a songwriter as Cohen was, he saw Hank Williams as ranking 100 floors above him.  That, my friends, is a humble man and that is what makes this verse, to me, so special.

I was born like this, I had no choice
I was born with the gift of a golden voice
And twenty-seven angels from the Great Beyond
They tied me to this table right here
In the Tower of Song

Again, his talent is not of his making.  It is a gift from God.  He felt blessed and grateful for this gift that came at such a price to him. He accepted the gift and paid the price.  That says a lot about who he was.

So you can stick your little pins in that voodoo doll
I'm very sorry, baby, doesn't look like me at all
I'm standing by the window where the light is strong
Ah they don't let a woman kill you
Not in the Tower of Song

Now you can say that I've grown bitter but of this you may be sure
The rich have got their channels in the bedrooms of the poor
And there's a mighty judgment coming, but I may be wrong
You see, you hear these funny voices
In the Tower of Song

I see you standing on the other side
I don't know how the river got so wide
I loved you baby, way back when
And all the bridges are burning that we might have crossed
But I feel so close to everything that we lost
We'll never, we'll never have to lose it again

These three verses spell out what that price was.  The sacrifice of losing loves many times.  The sorting out of the voices of creativity.  No woman can come between a songwriter and his songs.  In a way, the gift he was given was his true love I suppose.  It was what gave him pleasure.

Now I bid you farewell, I don't know when I'll be back
They're moving us tomorrow to that tower down the track
But you'll be hearing from me baby, long after I'm gone
I'll be speaking to you sweetly
From a window in the Tower of Song

Yeah my friends are gone and my hair is grey
I ache in the places where I used to play
And I'm crazy for love but I'm not coming on
I'm just paying my rent every day
Oh in the Tower of Song

And so the song ends.  Continuing to pay his rent in the tower creating songs and words until the day he died.  I think the reason this song connects with me is that need to create.   Now I am in no way saying I create as great as  Leonard Cohen did.  If Leonard Cohen thought that Hank Williams was a hundred floors above him, then Leonard Cohen is somewhere along the lines of an infinite number of floors above me.  But I do like to write.  I am not as talented with my writing as he was with his music, but it gives me pleasure.  I enjoy it.  I enjoy people reading my writing.  I feel like if I can contribute just a little something to someone's life, I may have accomplished something and so I listen to song over and over and over ....

Thinking about Hank Williams now since Mr. Cohen paid tribute to him in that last song.  Cohen was correct.  The world has produced some great songwriters over the centuries.  Some stand a little higher than others.  Gershwin, Carmichael, Rodgers and Hammerstein so many great songwriters that rank at the top not to mention the jazz and classical composers.  For my money, Hank Williams is right up there at the top with the best of them.  The lyrics that he writes are some of the most heart wrenching love songs ever written and the music that goes with those wonderful words, the melodies, is absolutely gorgeous.  Over the last 68 years since his death it seems like everyone in the music world has covered his songs and each time the song is beautiful.  Now that I think about it, it could be almost impossible to ruin a Williams song.  You can't help but find your soul being pulled into the songs whether listening or singing.  It grabs by the shirt collar and immerses you into the emotion that those songs carry with them.  My personal Hank tune and a song I consider one of the greatest popular songs ever written is "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Like Warren Zevon's song discussed earlier, this masterpiece does not need to be thought about what he is trying to say.  It is straight in your face as most of his numbers are.  Hank didn't play games with words.  He wrote what he felt and did it in such a way that it speaks to everyone who gives the time to listen.  So my friends, Hank Williams' "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"

Hear that lonesome whippoorwill
He sounds too blue to fly
The midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could cry

I've never seen a night so long
When time goes crawling by
The moon just went behind the clouds
To hide its face and cry

Did you ever see a robin weep
When leaves began to die?
Like me, he's lost the will to live
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of a falling star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you are
I'm so lonesome I could cry 

It is not a long song.  It is short and straight to the point.  It has that Hank Williams magic embedded into it and so I listen to this song over and over and over .....

I think you get the idea of why some songs, such  as these, make feel like I want more of that.  The song is over way too soon.  There are not a lot of songs that have this effect on me.  I would guess maybe 15 or less.  My mood at the time has a lot to do with it as well.  Some of those artist that I can say gives me a song or two include John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Jim Croce, John Denver, Joni Mitchell, Gordon Lightfoot, Harry Chapin, Graham Parsons, Neil Young (I really feel like I should have shared one of his songs.  Listen to "The Needle And The Damage Done" or "Long May You Run" to get a sampling).  These artists, these craftsmen have given the world a part of their soul.  I am so glad that they did that for us.  It is that part of themselves that dwell in some of these songs that make me listen to them over and over and over ....

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

 Early last week I posted on Facebook that I would no longer be sharing this blog on the platform.  There is a very serious reason for this.

It is me taking care of myself both emotionally and physically.  For those of you who are long time followers of this thing there are probably a few things you already know.  The one that is most relevant in this decision is my long term problems with depression and anxiety.

When my mind broke many years ago, I worked with doctors and therapists and psychiatrist to find a medication that would be best for me.  During this time we had some miserable failures when it came to medication but eventually we found a cocktail that worked.  For over ten years now I have been taking 150mg of Effexor XR, 200mg of Seroquel and a minimal dosage of clonazepam when needed to get me through high anxiety situations.  It had worked well.  I was doing well.  As a matter of fact I had approached psychiatrist and my therapist about the possibility of  taking the dosage of these drugs down just a little bit.  I felt confident that I was learning techniques on how to cope with situations and while I may need some medication to keep the edge off, I was definitely showing improvement.

 Let me be upfront about one thing.  Psychiatrists are not my favorite people.  I have seen four of five of them and each time they have found a way to burn me or plain just not listen.  To me, psychiatrist are the most narcissistic professional Dr that there is. The sad thing is that the people that are their clients can really be damaged more by them then any other professional.  At times, it seems they don't care.

So late fall of 2020, my then Psychiatrist informed me he would no longer accept insurance.  Not just my insurance but ANY insurance.  This is his right to do so, but such a dangerous game for the type of patients that they see.  Without insurance I would be paying this doc approximately $500 for a 10 minute phone call and a few seconds of his time to renew my prescriptions.  I can not afford that.

I made a good faith effort to my primary care doctor asking if he could take over the effexor and seroquel scripts for awhile and he did not feel comfortable with that.  And so I found myself without any scripts and felt like I had no choice but to go cold turkey off my meds.  This is not a good idea, but I felt like I didn't have much choice.

In short, the last month and a half to two months have been pure hell for me.  I have been detoxing off of some very serious drugs on my own and the detoxing side effects are not good.

Now, we all know the craziness of at least the last year and so far into this new year.  Totally bizzare. I found myself in mental places where I did not want to be and social platforms, news outlets .. everything was making my emotional state worse.  I am not pointing at liberals or conservative or anyone in particular, but it was just the whole overwhelming amount of information over running me.  As far as facebook was concerned, I was reading things posted from people, family members and friends, that were so out of character I wasn't sure I recognized them anymore.

I decided I needed a plan.  My plan had to be to simplify my life as much as possible. And thus I quit visiting Facebook.  I also quit visiting YouTube which I really use to enjoy.  I basically quit dealing with things that I didn't really need to deal with.  Things that there wasn't anything I could about it anyway.

I have improved my diet to a VERY healthy diet.  I have quit drinking coffee after 12 noon everyday.  I quit taking my usual afternoon naps so I would be able to sleep better at night.  I took up old activities that I use to love and still do.  I read a lot.  I play my piano.  I watch sporting events and fun tv shows.  I have been reacquainting my self with my DVD collection.  I try to excersize at least every other day for a bit. The highlight of each week though is on Sunday morning going out to breakfast followed but attending church services with a very dear friend every Sunday morning.  Just doing things that might help me enjoy life a little more.

What I do not do anymore ... no Facebook or social platforms of any kind.  No Youtube.  I do not watch network television.  I do not watch the "news" programs anymore. I do not listen to music anymore while falling asleep but just put my earbuds in to dampen any outside noise. Clarification, i DO listen to music quite a bit still, just not at bedtime.

I am trying to get myself healthy.  Mentally and physically.

Stopping posting or sharing this blog was not a protest or anything.  It was a health issue.  so far taking all these steps have help a little as I go through each day one step at a time.

And the thing is ... I can honestly say I do not miss Facebook, Youtube, the "news" or anything else that could bring about my anxiety or emotional problems.

SO that is what I am doing.  I am simply trying to care of myself.  Trying to survive from day to day. This is the way I feel it has to be for me right now.  FOR ME.  

I do ask you one favor though.  If we should run into each other in a store or something, please please please respect what I outlined here as to what I am trying to do.

I'll keep writing.  Writing is good for me.  It keeps me thinking and 99% of what I write is not opinion pieces anyway but rather just stories from my life as I remember them.

Hope you all can follow this, if not that is okay.  This blog was originally started as something I could do to ease my anxiety and depression anyway.  Wasn't really meant for anyone but me, but I like to share some of my memories.  I have had a lot of good memories over the years.  I have had some sad times as well.

Love y'all ... and please do take care of yourselves out there. 

Bill