Today marks four years since Barbara's funeral. I have written three previous pieces about Barbara and her life but have neglected to write about her funeral service. I think it deserves at least a small writing.
In 1981 a gentleman arrived at our house and knocked on the door. He was from Floral Hills Funeral Home and Cemetery. He was calling on us to talk about pre-funeral planning. I figure the reason why we invited him in to talk to us was that we had experience with the funeral home. Barbara's mother was buried there and my Uncle Melvin was buried there as well. He explained that the cemetery was opening up a new section of the cemetery with a new way of parsing out the plots. It sounded strange at the time. Instead of Barb and me buying two plots, this new system would allow us to purchase just one. This is the strange sounding part. The two of us would be buried together in the single plot, one of us over the other. The result of this new area was that while it would cost more than a single traditional plot it would be far less expensive than buying two separate plots for the two of us. After talking with him the both of us thought it made sense and so we let him talk further into the idea of pre-funeral planning. He talked about everything that we could set up in 1981 so that when the time came when one of us passed away everything would be paid for and available. He left us some brochures as we asked him to let us talk it over and set an appointment for him to return to talk to us in a few days.
We did discuss planning for the future in this area of life. We were, after all, planning for our future in almost every other area of life. We were putting money into a 401K retirement account every paycheck. We had purchased our house from Mr. and Mrs. Allard. He was a teacher and coach of my sister and he coached me in football and baseball. She had given me piano lessons for several years. We had just finished paying the first actual new car that we had bought. I had purchased life insurance on myself in addition to the life insurance the company offered to protect Barbara and our future child. We also had started the process of adopting a child. The things that this man was laying out for us seemed like the logical thing to do. We decided to follow through on the pre-funeral plan and spent the next few hours going through brochures with him. We picked out our caskets. We selected the marker that would be placed on our plot. We selected and paid for the cards that would be given to those attending our funeral. Everything was paid for except for the renting of the chapel and the opening of the grave when the time came. Barbara thought that we may want a funeral in a church instead of at the funeral home so we left that off. Otherwise, everything was taken care of. Barbara was 26 and I was 25 when we bought everything that would be needed for a funeral. In about 15 years it would all be paid for and not a worry for whatever the future held.
Now we move forward to July of 2018. Barbara was facing a surgery that was extremely risky. Neither of us knew what the outcome would be going into that surgery. During the month or so before the surgery Barbara began getting things in place. She only discussed with me what changes would need to be done to the house and our schedules when she came home from the hospital after the surgery. We made changes in the bathroom. She had already been forced to store her clothes on a lower plane than she use to be able to have. The kitchen had also changed since she started getting worse. Cabinets we not used much. The kitchen table became her cabinets. To me it was a disorganized mess, but to her it was what she needed and she pretty much knew where to find things.
The night before the surgery right before I went to bed, she called me over to her chair. I sat in my chair next to her and she turned her computer towards me.
"I have something on the computer I want you know about," she said very seriously.
She pointed to an icon on the computer. Underneath the icon was a single word. "If".
She tapped the computer screen with her fingernail.
"This file is for you just in case." As she said this her eyes never left me. She wanted to be sure I understood.
"In case of..??" I asked, with an idea of what the "in case" was.
"You'll know. I don't want you to open it until it is time to, ok?" She was still staring at me so seriously. I knew exactly what she was referring to now. "If" things did not go the way we were expecting them to. "If" she did not come home. I promised her I would not be opening that file. Her eyes got a little wet and she patted my hand as I gave her a kiss goodnight.
As we left the house on the morning of the 16th of July, neither of us were thinking, or at least talking about anything other than the outcome being that she would come home. As she went into surgery and we talked for the last time, kissed for the last time and expressed our love for each other the last time, the knowledge of the "If" file left my mind.
As the week progressed and the reality of what the outcome of this week was going to be I remembered the "If" file. I would come home to take care of Dutch and rest a little before heading back to the hospital. During those few hours at the house I would open her computer and stare at that icon with "If" underneath it. I did not open it though, It wasn't time to open it yet. I would return to the hospital still holding out hope that I would not need to open it although as the week progressed it became painfully clear that I would be opening that file.
July 22, 2018. In the morning the the nurses were checking Barbara constantly. The ICU doctor came in more than usual checking on her. I stepped out in the room for a second just to think and was approached by the hospital chaplain. She talked to me a bit although I can't remember what was said. She was basically holding out a hand to me if I needed it. That was the day that Barbara's vitals all crashed at once and I left the room while they tried to stabilize her. That was the moment I realized I would be opening the "If" file.
July 23, 2018. The doctor came into Barbara's room and put her hand on my shoulder. We talked about the situation. All that could be done had been done. They began to take her off of life support as I gave her one last kiss.
My mind was racing as I walked out of the ICU for the last time. I was blessed to have my sister Karen there with me, my cousin Ellen and other cousins. Barbara was gone. I sought out Ellen and asked her to call Floral Hills and have them start getting the paperwork for Barbara's funeral arrangements moving, which she did. While I was phoning Barbara's sister and telling her what had happened, Ellen was getting things moving. She came back and told me the funeral home had the files and were beginning to get things together. It was arranged that I would go to the funeral home ... you know I can't remember if it was the next day or the day after that.
Anyway, I got home in the afternoon of the day that Barbara passed. My neighbors were sitting out on the front deck of the house next door waiting for news. I talked to them and that little group remembered times with Barb with me. It was something I needed.
It was that evening when I was alone that I reluctantly turned on Barbara's computer. I stared at the "If" icon for a few minutes before opening it. I won't go into detail about what she had written but it was an amazing file. She started by telling me to carry on. She was ok now. She told me she knew I would think I could not do it, but I had to, if anything for Brett. She said that mine and Brett's suits were in a dry cleaning bag in the hall closet along with our white shirts. She had Lori take them to be dry cleaned.
She asked if I would ask Keith to do her funeral. Keith was Keith Gibson. He had been in Barbara's first children's choir and had grown up to be a minister. We had started attending his church several years before and he had become the man we knew as our pastor. She listed the music she wanted played. One of the songs, not surprisingly, was a song I had never heard of. Barb was much more up to date on music than I was. When it came to music for me, it had might as well been 1974. She also said she did not want a lot of flowers because I wouldn't know how to take care of them. Instead, she wanted people to make donations to the Missouri Baptist Children's Home, where we had adopted Brett from.
She had everything planned out "If".
Karen went with me and Brett to the funeral home to meet with the funeral director and make the final arrangements. I did not have to pick out a casket. I did not have to do much of anything. All that hard stuff was already done and paid for. The funeral director asked me about flowers and I told her about the children's home, but I would like a spray for the casket but I had my own florist that I was going to use. I told her I would be using Kamp's for the spray. She looked surprised and told me that was the the funeral homes florist. She asked me why Kamp's and I told her about my grandfather and our family history with Mr. Kamp. So the spray for her casket came from Kamp's and that was good.
I was also instructed by the funeral director to bring some clothes for Barbara the next day. I had no idea what to do when it came to that. On the drive home I tried to think about outfits that Barbara liked, but how would I find them? Would I be able to put an outfit together? When I got home I walked back to Barb's room to start trying to put something together for her. I walked into that room and there, laying on the bed, was an outfit laid out. I cried at that point. She had thought of absolutely everything.
The funeral was set for the next Saturday July 28, 2018. Keith came over to talk to me and Brett about Barb. He pretty well knew a lot about Barb but it was good to talk to him about her anyway. He told me he was honored to speak at Barbara's service. This was the first inkling of the impact that Barbara had made on people's lives.
So now the funeral, which is what this was supposed to be all about. It was sad but good. We had rented the big chapel at Floral Hills. I knew Barbara had a lot of friends, classmates from high school , people she had attended church with, I just had a feeling a lot of people loved my wife and would be there. That feeling proved out on that Saturday.
I am not a good people person. That was Barb's job in our relationship. she dealt with people while I just followed. That Saturday though I had to stand there with my son and sister in law as people came to pay there respects to Barb and to offer their condolences to my little family. It was not easy. There were people who I knew their names but had never met. There were people I had known through the years with Barb. There were a lot of people. The showing of love that people had for Barbara was ... I guess overwhelming.
They played the songs that Barb had wanted and Keith talked. Keith talked about Barbara and how he had come to know her as an adult. He talked of her smile and her laugh. He talked of her impact on his family, on his children. He talked about Barb's love for sweatshirts that had funny sayings on them that referred directly to herself. He spoke of her impact on so many peoples lives. He finished by telling the story of Barb's faith and how anyone could have the faith and assurance that Barb had. He spoke the Salvation message, which I was very pleased with. Barbara would have expected him to do no less than that.
The plot that Barb and I have is not far from the chapel at Floral Hills. We had decided to forego using a hearse to take Barbara to the site. Our nephews and a couple of cousins acted as pall bearers and walked next to Barbara's casket as we walked out of the chapel, across the drive and down to the grave site. Me and Brett followed them and all of the people who had come to pay their respect for Barbara followed us. It was special. I think Barbara would have loved it.
At the gravesite, Keith read scripture and talked more about what death is, what it means, and what comes out through death with having faith in God and the resurrection that gives that assurance. It was a wonderful service and I can not ever thank Keith enough for his words on that day.
After the funeral family and friends went over to my cousin Ellen's house for a dinner that would allow all of us to remember Barbara. To laugh about things she had done, to remember her and to express how blessed we all were to have had her in our lives.
I was exhausted when I arrived home that evening. I sat up all night thinking about our life together over those 42 years. I thought of good times, bad times, fun times and rough times. We had been through a lot. For some reason she thought I was worth working hard to stay together. I honestly do not understand that.
In the days following the funeral, I began to adjust to my new life. Barbara's wish for making donations to the Children's home was followed as I sent checks totaling over $500 to the organization that had given her our son.
Dit-MCO had given me as much time as I needed after Barb's death and I took that time to accept my sister Elaine's invitation to spend some quiet time in Alabama while I made mental adjustments. Eventually I returned to Missouri and went back to work. I began to work on starting a life without her. For the first time in my entire life, I was living alone.
Thank you to all of you who attended and for all the prayers given during that time. Thanks to a special set of people who gave me support during that time. My sister Elaine and brother Bob. My sister Karen. Cousins Ellen, Susie, Pete, Eric, Jerry and a special friend Phil Vinyard who was there at hours early in the morning to check on me and Barbara and for being there early that last morning of Barb's life when I was feeling so helpless and alone.
Barbara showed tremendous strength and courage to prepare for whichever way the surgery went. I will always admire her and be thankful to her for that.
I am continuing to move forward in life without Barbara. I still love her. I miss her. I always will. But I know that Barbara would not want me to sit and fade away from life. She said so in the "If" file.
