BARBARA ANN CLARK - PART 3

Well today is January 23, 2019.  Six months to the day since God called our Barbara home.  I thought that now would be a good time to finish writing about Barb and the end of her journey through life here on this Earth.

Barb successfully received her tissue valve in March of 2016 via the TAVR procedure and it worked great for awhile.  By the end of the summer though it began to show the first signs of failing.  By the end of October of 2016, she was having stamina problems once again as her breathing slowly became more difficult.  It was then that the Doctors and Surgical team began to look for causes that could be causing her to decline just a bit.

The first thing they thought was that a blood clot had formed inside of her heart partially blocking the intake of the new valve.  She was put on blood thinners to try to slowly break down any clot that might be there.  Because of her stature and the problems with her back and neck, they could not get a good image of her heart to tell what was actually going on inside there.

Soon she began to retain water early in 2017 and was put on a heavy regiment of diuretics.  While the medicine did seem to at least stop the continued retaining of fluids, it came to the point where it over taxed her kidneys.  She was admitted to the hospital for almost a week to try to get the kidneys back to as close to normal as they could.  It worked to a point with her kidneys recovering to about 90% of what they should be.

As we entered 2018, after several months on the blood thinners they came to the conclusion that there was not a blood clot in her heart. The blood thinners would have dissipated the clot by that point.  Meanwhile the fluid sack around her heart became the target of the doctors concerns.  They were able to do a few minor tests that led them to this conclusion and the symptoms made sense.  With fluid around her heart building, the heart was forced to work harder to be able to pump the required blood through.  As the heart continued to over work it began to harden and the walls of the heart were getting thicker.  The heart is a muscle and so it was over excersizing and like any muscle, excersize brings growth of the muscle.  It was also at this time that they discovered that her heart murmur was returning indicating that the valve was indeed failing.

In the spring of 2018, they, as well as Barb and myself, had a decision to make.  The heart valve was failing.  The heart was being overworked.  The proper course of action was to get into her heart and thin out the walls of the heart to make it more pliable and easier to do its job.  The tissue valve would also be replaced by a mechanical valve.  It was a procedure that the surgeons have done many times, but Barb was different.

We had already established that open heart surgery was extremely risky for Barb.  It was, however, the only option they had left to do what needed to be done.  It was risky enough that they gave Barb a very real option.  The surgery was risky.  Extremely risky.  IT was at BEST a 60/40 chance of success.  That was if everything went perfect.  If they ran into little bumps during the surgery the odds of survival went down.  If Barb elected not to do the surgery, chances were that her heart  would more than like give out in approximately a year.  If the surgery was successful, her life span would be unknown, but would be in the years, not the months.  The two of us discussed this a lot as we entered the summer of 2018 and eventually came the day when Barb decided to try the surgery.  The doctors set the date for the surgery at July 16, 2018.

Leading up to the surgery day, Barb began to prepare.  She prepared for both possible outcomes.  She planned on what we would need and how to set things up when she came home from the surgery.  She also planned things out for me in the case that she didn't come home.  She had Lori take Brett's and my suits to be dry cleaned.  She prepared a file on her computer desktop entitled "If" that I was to open if something went wrong.  This file listed things that she wanted done after she died and also listed her funeral requests.  When I think on her preparing for both scenarios, it makes me realize how incredibly strong and brave she was going into the surgery.  She was indeed a remarkable woman.

The surgery did not go well.  It started out fine but then it seemed like everything was going wrong.

I am not going to get into all the details of the ups and downs that Barb had during and after the surgery.  I don't think I can at this point.  It would be extremely difficult for me to write. I did however write an email to one of her friends outlining what happened during the surgery and afterwards.  I am going to share that email as a tool to describe what went on.  I will say this though.  The night of the surgery, no one on the surgical staff thought Barb would make it through the night.  She did.  She not only made it through the night but made it a week before her poor body gave out.

Here is the email I sent to her friend describing in a very sketchy way what happened that week.

Barbara's aortic valve that they had put in back in 2016 had failed and was getting worse.  in 2016 they had attempted to put that valve in via open heart but decided it was too risky.  They ended up putting the valve in through her aorta.

When that valve failed she was faced with two options.  Try to get a new valve in by open heart surgery which was extremely risky or wait until the initial valve would give out.  It would have lasted maybe a year but probably less.  She decided to try getting a new valve even though it would be open heart.

The surgery was extremely risky.  We knew that going in, which was probably why she kept it on the down low.  it was pretty much a 50/50 chance.

Her surgery was scheduled for July 16.  At first it seemed like things were going okay.  They were able to open her chest.  Then we got word that the new valve had been inserted.  I truly thought at that point that we had it made.  When they went to put her heart back together, however, the tissue in her heart walls would not hold a suture.  The tissue would tear every time and pretty soon she was hemorrhaging.  The surgeon did his best to try to get things back and ended up putting some packing in her heart to try to help the blood clot and stop bleeding.  What was suppose to be a five hour surgery turned out to be twelve hours.

During this time of all the bleeding her heart weakened substantially.   Damage was also incurred on the kidneys and her respiratory system.  He did get the packing inserted and was able to close, but the outlook was extremely grim.  They did not think she would make it through the night.  She was put on full life support.  Her heart was working very weak but she could not breathe on her own.  They put a "balloon pump through her artery.to assist her heart in beating.  She was on 100% ventilator.

The plan was to try to get her vitals stabilized since she had made it through the night.  She was put on about 12 different meds that they tried to tweak to get her vitals up to somewhat normal.  After a few days her kidneys began to fail and she started retaining fluids putting extra strain on her already weakened heart.  They put her on dialyses at that point.

On Sunday afternoon, July 22, all of a sudden every thing crashed.  Her heart rate raced upwards to 200 bpm and her blood pressure plummeted.  I came home that evening but couldn't stay away.  I went back to the hospital and spent the night talking to her and holding her hand.

At 10:00 Monday morning, July 23, the doctor came in and said that they had done everything they could.  They could keep her on life support for a little while but it was just putting off the inevitable.  I decided that she would not want that and so they began the process of disconnecting the ventilator and the heart  pump and turned the dialyses machine off and stopped all meds.  I was able to talk to her a bit and give her a kiss.  She passed away at 10:10 AM on July 23.

She never awoke from the surgery.  She went peacefully and quietly without pain.

We were prepared for either outcome but I don't think either of us really thought she would not make it through safely.  It was the saddest day of my life.

We had been married 42 years with two years of dating before being wed.  She was my life.

The world is a lesser place without her.

Thank you for your friendship, she treasured it.  She was the social one of the two of us.

I knew two days into her time in ICU that week the direction things were heading.  She never woke up but God gave me a week to spend time with her, day and night and to talk to her though she never answered.  The week that God gave me prepared me and helped me to develop the strength I would need in the weeks, days, months ahead as 2018 became one of the most difficult years of my life.

Barb was a gem.  She deserved and could have done much better than being with me all those years.

I thank God for that week in ICU with her.  I wish I could tell her that I did do my best for her during that time.

I am sorry for not being a better husband to you than I was over the years.  I did do my best though and I know that she did her best as we traveled on that journey together for forty two years. 

I love you Barbara Ann.  I miss you so very much.

This is a link to her obituary I thought you might want to have.   https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/kansas-city-mo/barbara-clark-7942486

THE FIRST CHRISTMAS OF FORTY-TWO

We had been married just a little over a month in 1975 and we were young.  She was 20 and I was a mere 19 years old.  Neither of our jobs brought in a lot of money but we were doing well enough to keep a roof over our heads in the form of a little three room apartment and have food for us and a little dog named Babs.  We were happy.

We both decided together that we would not spend a lot on Christmas for each other, saving the money instead.  We wanted to get our parents Christmas presents and then a couple of small inexpensive gifts for each other.  A Christmas Tree was out of the question.  Either way we went, artificial or real, would be more than we could afford and besides Christmas was about more important things than a Christmas Tree and decorations.  At this point in our life together we didn't have any ornaments anyway, so best to just put off all the extras that come along with Christmas and target the must haves.

Our money would be spent for groceries for Barbara to make dishes to take to each of our family Christmas dinners and we would make a donation to the Salvation Army following in my grandfathers footsteps.  I was taught by both my grandfather and my father that every Christmas no matter what, make sure you take some of your money to help those who didn't have as much and the Salvation Army was the vehicle both chose to do.  I remember being out at Christmas time with both men and when passing a Salvation Army bell ringer, stop and drop a few bills into the red kettles.  It was the Christian and the proper thing to do.  God had blessed you during the year, it is only right to give to those who were struggling.  It became a habit with me and still is to this day.  I always drop money into the first red kettle I see during the holiday season.  It is a way to honor God, my father and my grandfather.

The first Christmas would also set a precedent for me.  I never seem to get my Christmas shopping finished for Barbara, and later Brett, until the last minute.  This was the situation I found myself as we approached our first Christmas together.

It was Christmas Eve of 1975 when I left the office to head home.  I drove my old blue Chevy towards the apartment knowing I would have to stop somewhere to find something for Barbara's Christmas the next morning.  My head was filled with thoughts of where I should stop to accomplish the task.  There was a Ben Franklin 5 & 10 store on my way home so I decided I would stop there to see what I could find.  Once that decision was made, my mind started wondering what I would get her.  Maybe some earrings?  Maybe a necklace?  I did not have a clue.  My first inclination when going to a Ben Franklin store or one of that ilk was to go to the music section of the store and buy an album of some sort.  That, however, was not a very good idea to give to Barb for Christmas that year,  Especially since it was our first Christmas.  I imagined she would think that I was buying her a present more for myself then for her and to a certain degree she would probably be right in that thinking.  Okay, no album I told myself.

It was kind of cold and the sun was just beginning to go down as I pulled into the Ben Franklin parking lot.  I had to do this quick not wanting Barb to know I had waited until the last minute to get her a present.  As I learned through following Christmas' she always figured I had not finished my shopping until pretty close to Christmas Eve.  She on the other hand was a machine of efficiency, carefully picking out gifts and getting it taken care of shortly after Thanksgiving.  This would be the pattern of each of our habits for the next forty two years together.  One thing that became a tradition for Christmas as the years went by was that I would go to Lara Little's, a little candy shop at 75th and State Line to get her a half pound of sugar free chocolates.  Our last Christmas together, a couple of days before Christmas, we were heading over to my cousin's house.  I had not stopped at the candy shop yet.  As we headed up 75th Street I told her I had to make a stop first.  She knew exactly where I was going and what I was going to go there for.  As we pulled up to the candy shop I told her to close her eyes and not to peek until I said so.  She rolled her eyes at me and said, sure, but she didn't.  I went into the shop, bought the chocolates and coming back out of the store popped the trunk and threw the box in there.  As I got in the car she was looking at me with this all knowing little grin on her face.  I told her to forget we were ever here and she agreed to do so.  It was just my way to forget to do the little things until the last minute.

I walked into the Ben Franklin and started my shopping, wandering up and down the aisles trying to find the perfect inexpensive gift. I looked at everything that I could think of that might be as close to a perfect gift as possible.  I finally settled on a cheap earring/necklace set to get her.  Then over to the perfume area I went.  On my way to that part of the store though, something else caught my eye.

There, standing alone on a shelf, was a little three foot tall artificial Christmas Tree.  It stopped me in my tracks.  I looked at the boxes underneath the little tree and found out that it was on sale for eight dollars.  I knew that a Christmas Tree was what Barb wanted more than anything.  I stared at the tree while my mind raced through dollar figures and the budget we had set for Christmas.  Yes, it was a little bit outside our budget range if I got her the earrings and necklace, but it would make her so happy I thought.  Then it came to mind that I would need some ornaments as well for taking a tree home without proper decorations would be pretty silly.  Off to the side of where the tree boxes there were boxes of glass ball decorations.  The prices ranged from around $2.50 up to $5.00.  The cheaper balls were small.  Not tiny but small.  In short, they were the perfect size for this three foot tree.  I decided that Christmas only comes once a year, and it would be worth it to have a Christmas Tree for our first Christmas together.  I decided to forget the perfume and get the tree and a box of small red glass balls to decorate it with.  Heading back to the car with earrings, necklace, Christmas Tree and the glass ornaments in hand, I felt pretty proud of myself.

When I got home to the apartment, Barb was still at work.  I took my purchases inside and back to our bedroom.  After wrapping the small box that held the earrings and necklace I sat and wondered what to do about the tree.  Should I set it up and have it decorated before she got home?  Should I surprise her with it and let her decorate it?  Yes, that is what I would do.  I took the little tree out of it's box and located the small stand that was at the bottom of the box.  Taking it into the living area, I looked around for where to put it.  Barb's dad had given us a small television stand that we were using as a table for mail and books to be set on.  After clearing the little table I set up this cute little tree (yes, it had become somewhat cute to me by this time) on it.

It was about this time I heard Barb's car pull up in front of the apartment.  I sat and started to glance over the newspaper from that morning, pretending to read what I had already read and waited for her arrival inside the apartment.  As she entered I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye to catch her expression.  She walked in and started to take off her coat to hang it up when she suddenly stopped.  She had seen the tree.  She looked over at me then back to the tree.  She asked me where I had found it and so I told her the story of stopping at the five and ten store and seeing it on sale.  Her mouth turned up into that huge smile of hers.  She came over and gave me a hug and thanked me while at the same time asking me if this was her Christmas present.  As I got up to go into the bedroom to get the ornaments she expressed her happiness by telling me over and over thank you.  She loved it.  First Christmas, first Christmas Tree.  It was PERFECT.

I came out of the room carrying the box of red glass balls and told her there was more.  She looked at the box then asked "Lights?"  Dang, That had not crossed my mind.  I just told her no, no lights and she said ok.  It was then that we began a Christmas tradition that would last for 42 years.  I sat on the couch while she opened the ornaments and decorated the tree.  She went and got a sheet from the closet to wrap around and over the stand and carefully placed gifts underneath it.  It looked good.

She had bought the dog some treats for Christmas and had wrapped them and placed them under the tree with the other gifts.  It was about three days after Christmas when we came home to a dreadful sight.  Apparently we had left one of Bab's treats under the tree and Babs had sniffed it out.  The dog had tried to get at it by stretching herself up to the table and the whole tree had fallen on the hard floor.  The majority of the glass ornaments had broken but we manage to find four or five that survived.  After cleaning up the broken glass, the remainder of the balls were put back in the box and the Christmas tree was stored away.

It was the way every Christmas should, or would be.  A lot of fun and happiness added along with a tiny disaster just to keep things interesting.

Well, Christmas of 2017 would be our last Christmas together.  We were on our second tree since that first one.  It was five foot tall and had the lights already on it.  Over the years the little three foot tree remained a part of our Christmas as Barb and Brett would place it in his room for the Christmas season and it remains with me to this day.

Through the years, we have increased our collection of ornaments by quite a bit.   We began two other traditions over the years.  Each year Barb would by a new ornament for the tree and I would by a new Christmas album to add to the collection to be listened to over the holidays.  Our parents gave us ornaments that each of us had as children and they, along with the ornaments Brett was bringing home from Sunday School each year, made the tree just a little more festive each year.  We have had Cubs ornaments and Mizzou ornaments.  Last year one of my cousins who is a huge Kansas fan gave us a Mizzou ornament for Christmas.  Barbara loved it.  She loved it not only because it was Mizzou, but also because Eric had willed himself to purchase something that was Black and Gold.  Barb felt like it was a great showing of love for Eric to to do that and she promised that she would return the favor this year ... by getting Eric a Mizzou ornament.  Not surprisingly, Eric said no thanks to the offer.  We did not know it would be our last Christmas together and we were happy, as happy as that first Christmas forty two years prior.

So this Christmas I sat alone.  Barb had passed away at the end of July and my dad had passed away towards the end of October.  I had spent forty two Christmas' with Barbara and sixty one with my dad.  It was a quiet day this year.  There was not a tree set up and decorated but I did spend Christmas in what I consider a special way.

You see I decided to spend this Christmas with Barb and dad.  I would spend it with them by remembering special Christmas moments and memories that I had of dad over the last sixty one years and remember all those very special Christmas' with Barb.  All forty two of them.  Yes it was a quiet Christmas but not a lonely one.  All of those memories filled the day for me and all those memories were good and filled my heart with a peace and love for those two special people that were such a huge part of my life during our time together.

There will never be another Christmas like the Christmas of 1975 and there will never be another Christmas like the Christmas of 2018.  Both were very special.

I sincerely hope all of the my readers had as good of a Christmas as I did this year.  May God bless all of you as we head into another year that no doubt, will bring many changes to all of our lives.

Love you all

Bill