Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I don't claim to be a poet at all.  I am a poet as much as I am a writer.  This is my first attempt at a poem on the blog.  Who knows what it will turn out to be.


Sunny day and everything is fine
Things are normal despite the unseen
The unseen comes quickly and silently
It creeps up from behind and breathes on the shoulder

The darkness grabs silently
It is silent but harsh and hurts
The breath leaves the lungs as it grabs
Not able to breath panic sets in and you leave your body

Feeling outside yourself
You look back and try to find yourself
You can find but you cant get a hold
Your head slips further and further away until you feel lost

The darkness gets darker
You realize you have no control
The heart makes itself know by pounding
Pounding hard enough to feel the pain it is causing

The thought comes into your head
The thought that the heart is pounding so hard
So hard that it will come to a silent rest
You want to stand but you cant.  Your life will never be the same

The thought finally arrives
That a trip to the doctor may help.
They assume it is a heart problem
Because heart problems can do more damage than anything

The wires are attached everywhere
To your chest are attached most of the wires
A couple of wires to the head
Lay back while the machine draws little red squiggly lines on paper

"Everything is fine" is the word
You know it isn't fine because you are still
Disconnected from yourself and the darkness
has enveloped you to the point where you cant think

I am dying and I am dying slowly
The darkness places hands around your throat
Still not able to breather the panic reasserts itself
Causing yet more panic on top of panic until breath is gone again

Panic attack is the new option
The doctors try to explain it to you
and it doesn't make any sense
Your understanding of anything is gone with your breath

Lie down and relax and breathe
cant breath, try to breath, just relax
Your head starts to come back to your body
You feel yourself slowly coming back together again as one

Relax and get back somewhere to normal
Go home and relax more. stay home a couple of days
Scared waiting for the darkness to come even harder
for now though the darkness is beginning to fade just a bit

The darkness never leaves completely
Breath is able to get back into the lungs
And your buzzing and shaking begin to settle down
See the doctor again in two weeks to see if the darkness is still there

Two weeks pass with the darkness
Hanging over your shoulder constantly
It doesn't leave and when you think about it
The panic starts to return and the air leaves for a bit once again

It become a viscous circle of panic and darkness
Afraid to go anywhere for fear of darkness or panic
People are not other beings anymore
People are threats because they can see the darkness inside

Pills are given to you to help
They don't do anything for the darkness
Or anything for the panic.  Try something else
New pills for six weeks, then more new pills for six weeks

Finally the doctor feels you need more
And you have to find a stranger to talk to
But talking to strangers is scary and panic returns
No one understands but you have to talk to someone about the darkness

Every time you talk to the person
It is scarier and scarier. talk isn't easy
They don't know and you cant explain
The darkness that holds a grip on you so tight and firm

Slowly, very slowly you go to talk
And you feel a little comfortable with the person
She has been talking to you for weeks now and suddenly
You start to hear her for the first time and you start to listen

She does understand more than you thought
She makes sense with the things she says
Panic is not automatic anymore
Whenever you go to see her and tell her about the darkness

Pills begin to help finally
Talking starts to set you mind at ease
The panic starts to become less scary
But the darkness never ever leaves and is always there

You learn to live with it
You learn the ways of panic
You learn that people are not all out to get you
and even though she understands, the darkness stays

I have accepted parts of my mind
I accept that panic will hit
I know how to almost control panic
Nothing I can do about the darkness though

Nothing I can do about the darkness
It is always there just under the surface
You hide it in public by wearing masks
you hide it by being someone you are not

People could not handle the real you
You dont want to make them accept you
It is your problem not theirs
They don't have the darkness, it is yours and yours alone.

1 comment:

  1. I absolutely loved reading this one, even though its sad, that darkness. Do some more poetry! JR