Wednesday, September 5, 2012

COMING TO TERMS

The month of August in 2012 has been a month that has taught me something that I should have known, probably did know, but never noticed or acknowledged.  We spend all of our lives coming to terms with situations that change our lives on a daily basis.  Each day brings us something new to come to terms with.  Sometimes these new things that we come to terms with are so small and maybe insignificant as far as the big picture goes, that we often do not even notice that they are occurring.  Some of the situations are large enough to catch our attention and make us think a little, but do not stop us from continuing going forward without really thinking about coming to terms with something new.  Then there are the really large things that hit us upside the head and make us stop and think and realize that this is something that needs to be taken care of somehow at sometime.  These are the life changing things that we must come to terms with or get run over by life.

It is easier, and probably best, to come to terms with things after having time to think about things.  The month of August began with coming to terms with what the choices were going to be when the November elections roll around.   Two elections concern me more than all the others.  Claire McCaskill has been my Senator for the past six years.  As she began her term I decided to give her a fair chance and not to be too judgmental until given reason to be so.  It took a couple of years before coming to terms with the fact that her agenda and mine were not quite the same.  It seemed to me that she began being seen at the President's side almost every day on the news.  I had written her a few e-mails which her staff answered to assure me that the Senator's concerns and mine were the same.  Yet almost everytime within two weeks she would vote exactly opposite of what her staff had replied.  I began to mistrust her and when tax problems were raised about her, I decided I could not support her.  Then the Republican candidate made a totally stupid remark about women and rape and I came to terms with the fact that we had two losers running for the Senate seat.

Then I came to terms with the fact that not only the President would be running with his same bumbling Vice-President as a running mate again I looked to the Republicans to give me a worthy opponent to the President.  They failed me.  I am stuck with coming to terms with the fact  that neither of the Senate Candidates and neither of the  Presidential candidates were worthy of the offices they are seeking.  I came to terms with the fact that for the first time I may not vote in a huge election year.

The month also started out with a horrible tooth ache.  I was hoping it could be fixed easily by my dentist but that would not be the case.  I was required to have another root canal performed.  Something went wrong during the root canal and the irrigation mixture they use got down between my gum and my tooth resulting in possibly the worst pain I have ever felt.  I came to terms with the fact that saving my teeth would be a losing battle in the long run and I would always associate the dentist with great pain just when I thought I was getting over that phobia.

Then came a Tuesday evening when I was heading out to dinner and never made it inside of the restaurant.  I sat outside with my heart feeling like it was going to blow out of my chest and not being able to breathe.  My cousin, an EMT, came out and checked me over and told me I had to get to the hospital right away.  Once in the hospital I am worked over by a team of nurses and doctors and admitted immediately.  I had suffered a heart attack at the age of fifty five.  I had surgery to repair my heart on Wednesday, and came home with a whole new batch of medicine to take.  I came to terms with the fact that this was a life changing event.  My diet, my habits and a lot of other things would forever be changed.  From now on I have a new box to check when I go to a doctors office.  When I see "Heart disease" I will check that box from now on.  The other side of that is when it asks if I am a smoker or not, I can say "no" from now on.

I have come to terms with a lot of other things as of late.  I have come to terms with a lot of situations concerning my job and other items that I can not get into here.  Things are what they are and it is the way they will always be.  Sometimes it is just easier to come to terms with somethings instead of continuing to try to change things.

I have, over the last month, come to terms with the fact of mortality, life and death.  Along with the coming to terms with this, I must now prepare for the inevitable.  I don't want to but I have no choice.  I have come to terms.

I have come to terms with the fact that depression and anxiety will always be a part of my life.  I must take medicines to keep them at bay but the medicine does not make them go away.  Those feelings are still there and always will be.  I have come to terms with the fact that I always have to have my guard up against my own mind, to stay in reality and to continue to learn what reality is.

Coming to terms is not giving up and admitting defeat about things.  Coming to terms is coming to a realization of things, of facts that can not and will not be changed.  I have come to terms with the fact that I will never see my grandparents again and I have come to terms with the fact that the time is coming when I won't see my parents again.

Most of all, I am trying to come to terms with who I am.  This is the most difficult of all things to come to terms with.  I think this is true for everyone.  No one knows me as well as I know myself and the more I look at myself the more I realize that I don't even know who I am.  Sometimes I am not sure what I believe or what my philosophy is.  It seems to always be changing.  But maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, because when it comes down to it, I myself am always changing.  That is something else that I need to come to terms with.

2 comments:

  1. Very difficult to realize all of the life changing moments, it is even more difficult to accept them. Accepting them for the most part means letting go of those moments in time. You are right that most of the human race have no clue who they are. I know I do not feel like I know who I am anymore. I have lost my idenity through all of the life changing moments that I can not just let go of.

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  2. I can't even begin to know the battle that you wage each day with depression and anxiety. I know that it took me more visits to the therapist than the medical plan would cover for me to figure out some of what made Larry tick. As for the election. I believe that everyone in all 3 branches of government needs to be ask to vacate their office, I personally cannot stand the continuous "Jackass Leadership" that our nations capital has right now.
    Keep the life changing moments to a minnimum. Stay healthy my friend,

    Larry

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