I have lived on this earth for fifty-six years and i finally learned a couple of lessons in life. The biggest lesson I have learned is not to trust anybody, not even myself. People are human and it seems to me, from my perspective anyway concerning myself, is that people have an agenda, a personal agenda and they will do whatever it takes to achieve it. They will push me around, push me aside, walk all over me to get to where they want to be. There have been people that I have wanted to trust, who I felt I could trust, but eventually it comes down to the same thing and that is that I had better stay out of their way as they progress in their own life. They don't care about me, only themselves so it is that I had better step aside or get run over.
I am not going to specify any details of how this has come to light. I began thinking it several years ago. Each time I thought it or would express it, I was told that I was thinking wrong and I would go back to trusting and believing only to get run over and stomped on again and again. I am not saying I am above this behavior, I am sure there have been times when I have done the same thing, but I don't think I have ever treated anyone the way that others have treated me over my lifetime.
Maybe I am just over sensitive. That is definitely a distinct possibility. I am the kind of person who doesn't say a lot because when I do, I always end up in trouble with people being angry with me. It seems that I am suppose to follow everyone's script instead of my own. Well, It doesn't feel like I am even allowed to have a script for my own life. Just however other's lives effect my life is how it is suppose to be and whatever twist and turns my life takes while being pushed and shoved by others is suppose to be okay with me. Just go with it no matter how much pain or anxiety it may cause me.
On second thought, there is a script to my life, it is just that everyone else has written mine for me. There is a little Super 8 film of me when I was not quite two. It is apparent that I had not been walking long, my balance wasn't that great. As I was walking around on the sidewalk one cousin in particular would walk up to me and just give a little shove. Down I would go. I would get back up only to have the same thing happen once again. The lesson I should have learned was to just stay on the ground. I didn't learn it then and I seem to be having a tough time learning it now. Just stay down, do what is expected of you, and don't even think about having a life of your own. That is the message I seem to keep missing.
I am ready for life to be over. There have been so many people I knew that died before they should have and each time I hurt with the pain of wanting to trade places with them. They had much more to offer the world than I do. But life doesn't work that way. Life is not fair and the people around you make sure that life continues to not be fair. Do not trust anyone.
There was a television show on that I use to watch all the time. It was called "House" and was a comedy drama about a doctor and how he made it through life. One of his main philosophies was that"Everybody lies". That is oh so true. I know that I have done my share of lying as has everyone. But at time the lies can be so viscous, so hurtful that I wonder how anyone could go on telling lies as such. A lot of times a lie will only be a half truth .... not really a LIE because it is the truth, just not all of the truth so that in reality, it is a lie because it leads someone to believe something that isn't true. Those are probably the worse kind.
Right now I feel like there is no life for me. My life consist of doing what others expect of me and what others expect of me does not include a lot of me in the equation. I am not deserving of my own life, but my job is to make sure everyone else is able to live their life by using me, pushing me, walking all over me. That is what life has become I think.
Anyway, the sad part is that I have learned to let people walk over me, push me aside and get upset when I don't do what is expected of me. That's okay. All I have to do is to ride it out until the ride is over.