A LOVE STORY - "Beginnings"

Barbara Ann Kissinger was her name.  I do not remember the first time I met her.  She first appeared in my life as the sister in law of the church's new Music Director.  When she came into my circle of friends I was dating Debbie and I do believe I was in love at that point in my life.  Debbie and I had been together for a year or so though now it feels like we had been together much longer.  Later in life Barbara would tell me that when her friends from school were telling her about the other youth at her new church they would single me and Debbie out and tell her "That's Bill and Debbie ... they're inseparable".  Debbie and I weren't inseparable though.  Just a few months after Barbara was told that as a fact,  Debbie and I had a talk in her parent's basement where I was told that maybe we should just remain friends.  It hurt but I respected Debbie far too much to fight her about her thoughts.  I graciously accepted the fact that we were not to be and walked away alone.  I was never one to be  over run with females that were interested in me so I was able to adjust back into single mode of life fairly quickly and easily.

The common denominator between Barbara and myself was my very good friend Valerie.  Val and I had been friends for years and were pretty close.  It was Valerie who I shared my first kiss with in the boiler room of the church one Wednesday night.  Valerie was two years older than me and we talked about many intimate things.  Among those things was the fact that I had never really kissed girl in a deep and sensual way.   Valerie, being the great friend that she was, offered to help me along in learning the basics of romance, which was greatly appreciated and enjoyed.  

Barbara and Val were two grades ahead of me in school even though they both were just a little more than a year older than me.  This was because the school district had a promotion date of October 1 of each year.  Barbara being born in September of 1955 would graduate in 1973 while I being born in October of 1956 would not graduate until 1975.  I never understood why the district settled on October as the cut off date instead of sometime in the summer months which would have made more sense to me.  However that was the setup and as a result Barbara was one of the youngest in her class while I was one of the oldest in mine.

It was towards the end of the school year in May of 1973 when Barbara, Val and their classmates began to plan for their big graduation night.  All of the girls had a date except for Barbara and so she and Val started the search for a likely candidate.   I am not sure which of the girl's idea it was but one of them recalled that I was recently free from Debbie and that I might be willing to escort Barbara on her big day.  Barbara had shown an interest in me lately but she didn't want to seem to forward and so it was decided that Val would put out feelers to me on whether I might be interested in the idea.  The thing to remember is that Val and I were very close.  You might say she was my best friend at school.  We shared a locker together which was unique since she was a senior and I was a lowly sophomore.

On that particular morning I met Val at the locker as usual.

"You know Barb Kissinger from church?" she asked with that wry smile of hers.

"From church?  Not sure.  Why?"

"You know, Jerry and Nancy's sister.  Short?  Like me.  How would you like to tag along to the senior party after graduation with her .... and me and Robert."  She had a little grin on her face as she reached for her textbook for her class.  "You know Barb.  She sings in the choir.  There!  Right there.  Remember her now?"

I turned and looked to my side and saw a short brunette walking past.  She turned her head slightly and glanced at me.  When our eyes met she dropped her head and increased her pace a little bit.  I recognized her as being the little sister of the music director's wife.  

"Oh yeah.  I remember her."  I then felt like I should add a caveat to my recollection.  "I mean I don't really KNOW her.  Just know who she is.  So I would be, like, her date?"

Val flashed a quick grin at me.

"Date?  I guess you call it that.  Party is at King Louie after graduation.  Sheryl and her boyfriend, me and Robert and you and Barb? Think you can go?  It would be almost an all nighter."

I was not sure how to answer this proposition that came out of the blue.  I couldn't give an answer on the spot unless it was a "no".  I would have to ask mom and dad about this and that wasn't exactly a cool answer to give.

"I dunno Val.  I'll have to see." avoiding the question for the time being.

Val tilted her head.  "Well it's in a couple of weeks.  It'll be fun and Barb is really nice.  Come on you'd like her and just between you and me, she really likes you."

Val turned quickly and waved over her head as she walked away.

"See you at lunch!  Have a fun with your math!" she called out as she left

I did not know what to think.  I had a hard time keeping focused on Mrs. Skaggs algebra class as I tried to form a picture of Barb in my mind.  I did know who she was but had not really paid much attention to her.  I had a lot of things going on at the church and I had been trying to keep my mind off of the situation with Debbie to take notice of a relatively new girl at the church.

That night as I lay in bed trying to get to sleep Val's voice kept running through my mind.  "She really likes you".   She was cute.  She had a nice smile.  She was very short.  Then again, short isn't that big of a deal.  I could look past that.  Being at the senior party would be kind of neat.  I had a few friends in the class of '73 and Val would be there to rescue me if things with south for some reason.  I decided to see what mom thought about it on Saturday.  I figured it couldn't hurt to ask.  It actually could be an exciting.

I approached mom Saturday afternoon before I went to play basketball with Larry and Ronnie at the church parking lot.  All my chores were complete so I figured I should talk to her about it while I was still in her good graces.  I found her a little apprehensive when I explained the details of the approaching night.  Val would be with me.  Yes it would be late into the night but Val would be there.  It would be a highly chaperoned party at a well known venue and Val would be there.  This girl I was taking was Nancy Olthoff's little sister AND Val would be there.  Actually I would REALLY be going with Val and just hanging around with this Barb girl .... whoever she was.  As I watched her look at me as she was thinking my thought was "well, this is going to be a big no".

"Let me talk to your dad about this.  You be home for supper?"  she was standing with her hand on her hip as I grabbed my basketball to head out.

"Unless Ronnie's mom asks me to stay to eat, sure."   I grabbed my keys to head over to Ronnie's.  Talking to dad was for sure a positive for me.  That meant she was leaning towards being okay with it and just telling dad what I had planned.  Sure enough when dad and I got home from work on Monday mom gave me the green flag to go out with the seniors after graduation.

I didn't see Barb much over the next week or so.  I talked to her a little at church as the day approached just to get a feel for her.  She was nice, Val was right about that.  She was cute with a nice smile but she didn't seem to know music very well.  I noticed that when I was talking to Ronnie about a new album that had been released she had not shown any interest or knowledge about it.  This was a little discomforting but not enough for me to back out of the Senior Party coming up.  I could overlook a few important things just to get through that night.  It would not be a problem in my mind.

The day of graduation finally arrived and along with it some devastating news.  The morning of graduation, Val's boyfriend Robert had been arrested and was currently in the county jail.  He had been caught on security cams defacing the building of a rival high school the previous night.  No one knew why he had done this.  Val was crushed.  I found out when Val picked me up to go to the LDS Auditorium where the graduation traditionally took place.  I could tell something was wrong when I got in her little green Ford Pinto.  Her eyes were red as she tearfully told me she would not be going to the after party.  I spent the whole ride across town trying to change her mind and to go.  From my perspective this could bring big trouble to me if Val did not go.   We arrived at the auditorium in Independence and as we parted ways Val said she probably would go.  We agreed on a place to meet after graduation and I entered to mostly empty auditorium  to wait to see the ceremony to be followed by a long night of celebration with the new graduates of the Class of 1973 of Ruskin High School.

The ceremony was a long one as all of them from Ruskin High School were back in those days.  I knew what I was in for as I remembered sitting through my sister's graduation the previous year.  One by one the graduates would be announced as they walked across the stage to receive a book like holder for their diploma but without an actual diploma inside of it.  Those would be mailed to the graduates later.  I sat through the whole thing watching many friends from both school and my church go through the ritual of passing into adulthood like so many before them.  I thought of Val as I sat there listening to the speeches.  Val walked across the stage with her head held high masking the heartache that she was carrying.  I watched as Barb, my companion for the next few hours, walked and graduated.  After about two hours or so (probably longer) I went to meet Val, Barb and the others that would be riding together to King Louie to celebrate the end of their public education careers.

We all rode in separate cars to a shopping center where we left all the cars and to consolidate into one car for the ride over to King Louie West.  Val sat in the back seat with me and Barb silently running things through her mind about everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.  The King Louie facility was over on the Kansas side of town.  I had never been there before and have only returned once or twice since that night.  It was huge.  They had a huge arcade, a billiards room with dozens of pool tables.  There was a hockey size skating rink, dozens of bowling lanes.  In short just about everything you could want if you were going to spend the better part of the night there.

Barb walked by my side as we entered.  She was in a great mood with a big smile on her face.  She informed me that she had never been ice skating but she had played pool.  Her father had a pool table in their basement at home.  She had been bowling before but she thought she would have a difficult time at the pinball machines because of her height and short arms.  After talking a bit the group of us decided to bowl a few frames first.  Only four of us bowled as Val wandered along with the group not saying much and not feeling up to doing anything.  After bowling the group spent a little time on the pool tables splitting up into couples after that.  Val went and sat at the concession drowning her sorrows in Coca-Cola.  Barb and I started walking around observing other graduates and stopping to talk to them once in awhile.  Eventually we found ourselves at the skating rink as we found our conversation stalling.

"Want to skate?" she asked as she stopped walking to stare out at the ice.

"I guess.  You want to?"

"I never have but sure, I'll try it if you stay by me."  she asserted.  Just then one of her classmates came crashing into the wall and fell to a stop flat on her posterior in front of us.

"You sure you want to?" I asked her with a smile.  She gave a slight chuckle and affirmed that since everyone else seemed to be having a rough go of it, why not as long as I stayed close to her.   

We went to get our skates.  She wore a size 6.  Tiny little skates that looked like they would fit on a fourth grader.  We sat and I laced up my skates while she worked on getting hers on.  I went ahead out onto the ice while she was working on it.   I was pretty athletic growing up with good coordination and quick reflexes.  I was very surprised at how easy ice skating was to me.  The only problem that I encountered was figuring out how to stop.  I found it very much like roller skating.  I took a few laps totally enjoying the new experience and for a short while forgot all about Barb, my date for the night, preparing for her maiden attempt on the ice.  As I came around on another lap I suddenly saw her on the glassy surface.  She was holding onto the side rail for dear life, slowly trying to work her way around the rink.  The next time I came up on her I slammed myself into the wall in front of her.  It was the only way I knew how to stop.  She gave out a little squeal of surprise when I banged into the wall.

"You said you had never done this before" she laughed out.

"I haven't.  I swear.  You want some help?"

"YES!  This is crazy!" she exclaimed with that beautiful smile.  I do think that was the first time I truly noticed how beautiful that smile was.  It was a smile that I would never forget.  I took one of her hands while she used the other one to hold onto the railing and we slowly made our way around the rink a few times.  We would hold hands the rest of the night.  

The party officially ended as far as King Louie and the school were concerned at around 3 in the morning.  We met up with the rest of the group that had ridden over together to head out to finish off the night.  Barb and I sat in the back seat with Val holding hands.  We ended up at Terrace Lake Shopping Center where we had left the other cars.  Someone found a Frisbee in one of the cars and we spent the next hour or so tossing it between us.  It wasn't long before someone noticed the time and suggested we all head home.  It was around four in the morning as we headed to our cars.

"You riding home with Val?" Barb asked in an almost hoping way.

"Yeah I think I should.  She's had a rough night."

Barb understood the situation with Val and agreed.  Just before I go into Val's car Barb came running up to the window.

"Here."  She handed me a small piece of paper.  "My phone number if you want to call.  I had fun.  Thanks"

"I had fun to.  It was a good time.  I'll call you"

And with that the short little girl with the beautiful smile slid into her Chevy and drove off.  It was the first night of what would become a lifetime together.  A lifetime that was cut off to short but also a lifetime that would be filled to capacity with sharing, living and loving.

It was only the beginning.

THE MESS OF "LET IT BE"

 It was the summer of 1970 when I told my mother I was going somewhere that I can't remember.  Probably to one of my friends house or something.  In truth I was heading to the Ruskin Twin Theater to see the new Beatles movie titled "Let It Be".  I had no idea what to expect as I entered the theater and sat down in the nearly empty auditorium.

The film was a documentary of The Beatles recording songs in a big warehouse then movie to the new Apple Studios to end the movie with their last live performance as a group on the roof of Apple.  I did not think it was a very good movie at the time.  The film was dark and grainy.  My four heroes did more talking and arguing then they did playing music.  After I saw the movie I was not sure what I had just witnessed.  I spent many hours trying to figure out why this film was made.  In my eyes at the time, I could see that this great band would not last much longer.  They were done.  I was frustrated after seeing it and a little irritated.  The Beatles should go out on a high note, not this grainy movie where they were always on each others back about something.  An hour and a half of The Beatles not being the Beatles.

The previous year The Beatles had released the album "Abbey Road".  This album was a great album and became one of my favorites.  There were hints in that album though that would be reflected in the LET IT BE film.  ABBEY ROAD had a lot more Paul and a markedly less presence of John.  Almost the entire second side of the album was Paul with a couple of short songs by John.  The big take away from ABBEY ROAD was that it seemed like George had learned how to write masterful songs out of nowhere.  After seeing the film I wondered of there would be another Beatles album or if the catalogue was done.

Not too long after the release of the movie an album titled LET IT BE was released.  Sensing that this could well be the last Beatles album from what I had seen in the movie, I bought it. As I listened to that album the first several times I was immediately put off by it.  This thing did not sound like The Beatles I had come to know.  I checked the credits on the back of the album and found out what had changed.  George Martin, The Beatles iconic producer from the very early days of the band was not listed as the producer.  He had been replaced by Phil Spector known for his "wall of sound" producing.  That was what I was hearing and that is why I had felt like I was listening to the YELLOW SUBMARINE soundtrack or MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR only maybe a little worse.  

The songs on this album were good.  As I listened to them more I felt like these songs had the potential to be very good.  It just didn't sound like The Beatles.  Spector had over produced the songs.  He had dubbed in a full on choir backing on some of the tracks and an orchestra that over powered The Beatles not only instrumentally but almost drowned out the vocals.  The two songs that Spector destroyed the most were Paul's beautiful ballads "The Long and Winding Road" and the title track "Let It Be" along with John's "Across The Universe".   I rated this album toward the bottom of Beatles releases.  The album did go to number 1 in both the UK and the States, but that was expected of a Beatles album.

Now is the time to address the history of this album and why it turned into a mess.  For the most part it is still a mess although there have been attempts to rescue it.

As you know LET IT BE was recorded before ABBEY ROAD even though it was the last album they released.  If you don't know that 53 years after the fact, shame on you.  You need to brush up on your Beatles history.  You appall me.

The original plan for LET IT BE was that it would be a project that would include three things.  First off, the album would recorded "live" in the studio and would be produced with each song having a single take.  There would be no vocal or instrumental over dubs.  Just the best take of each song mixed and cleaned up a little but finished without anything extra except for what was recorded in the studio.  There would be a film documenting The Beatles taking these songs from their creative infancy to the final product in studio and finally there was the possibility of the Beatles doing a live performance for the first time in four years.  It sounds like a great plan, and I think it would have been except things kind of went sideways.

As the band tried to record these songs with the idea of no overdubs using only the single takes of each song they found it difficult to do the songs the way they wanted them to sound with only the four of them.  Enter Mr. Billy Preston.  Preston was a keyboard player who The Beatles had met in Germany when they were just starting out.  Preston happened to be in the UK and stopped by to visit with the band.  They immediately recruited hm to play the keys to fill in voids in the sound of the songs.  "Get Back" is labeled as being recorded by "The Beatles and Billy Preston".  Preston saved these recordings from ending up even worse than the production by Spector.

The Beatles had a lot of songs they were working on for LET IT BE that would not make the cut but would show up on ABBEY ROAD and some that even made it to their early solo albums after the break up.  After the band finished recording the songs for LET IT BE they took a short break and began working on ABBEY ROAD since they had many of the songs almost ready to record bu this time.  As they waited for the film to be edited and released the LET IT BE album was shelved waiting for the release of the movie. 

Glyn Johns was a well respected recording engineer that worked with the band here and there.  He had recorded the vast majority of the album before having to leave early because of contractual obligations in Los Angeles.  He returned after all the recording had been done to finish what he had started.  He made his own mix of the album knowing what the intent of the group was and gave his work to Apple, leaving it there for approval and release.  His work would not see the light of day until 2020 it would finally be released as part of a release marking the 50th anniversary of the albums release.

Meanwhile The Beatles had signed a new agent by the name of Alan Kline.  From everything I have read, Kline was not the most honest agent around looking out more for making a quick buck instead of quality.  If I read the history correctly, it was Kline who decided to release the LET IT BE album bringing in Spector to produce and mix the album and that was where the disaster began. 

After hearing the album, George Martin said he immediately looked at the credits to see if he was listed as a co-producer.  He was not.  Only Phil Spector's name was listed as producer.  This could be a good or bad thing for Martin.  Paul has said when he first heard the final product he was fit to be tied.  This release was not what the group had intended.  John and George seemed to take a "whatever" attitude and I haven't heard what Ringo's reaction was at the time.

By the time the film and album were released The Beatles were basically finished as a band.  Paul had started working on McCARTNEY during the production of ABBEY ROAD.  John had likewise started working on his first solo album and had let the Beatles slide into his past.   George had his own publishing company and had a slew of songs from over the years that had not made it onto Beatles albums.  He was working on a three disc collection of these songs as his first solo project. The album became settled into the lower third of The Beatles canon and was left there.  It was what it was.

In 2003 McCartney decided to revisit LET IT BE and try to fix it.  His idea was to bring it back to the way the Beatles intended it to be.  It would be difficult.  He had to get rid of all of the strings and choirs and the overdubbing of vocals and instruments.  The problem was that to do this he would pretty much have to toss the takes that Spector had ruined and use takes that were not necessarily the best of the bunch.  What Paul ended up with was a very raw sounding recording of the songs.  He titled it "LET IT BE-NAKED".  To be honest it was a valiant attempt by Paul but with the inferior takes it didn't quite bring the songs out with their full potential.  It sounds very rough.  Actually, to me, it sounds like an unfinished album.  The album was met with mixed reactions.  It was nice to hear the songs without all of the over producing but left a lot to be desired.

 Then came the year 2020 and Giles Martin.  Giles is the son of George Martin and is a excellent producer and engineer.  Apple had hired Giles in 2017 to remix SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND" for the albums 50th anniversary.  Giles took the original mix and did a remix using new technology and brought out a very clean sounding album that made the album sound totally different. The result was almost like rediscovering the Beatles.  It was a vast improvement.  Apple decided to follow through and in 2018 Giles did his magic on "The Beatles (The White Album)" with the same result.  This was followed in 2019 with the same treatment for the 50th anniversary of ABBEY ROAD.

It only made sense then that in 2020 Giles would rework LET IT BE.  Giles has said that LET IT BE was quite a challenge.  He had to use Spectors original mix and somehow try to make it sound new.  It was not an easy task.  He tried to put as much of the "wall of sound" into the deep background as he could to bring out more of the Beatles.  I must say, given the mix he had he did a very good job.  The Spector still there but it isn't as messy sounding.  At the same time that Giles was working on trying t fix the Spector mess, Apple dusted off the Glyn Johns mix from the vault.  The two were released together in the deluxe release of LET IT BE for the 50th Anniversary.  In my opinion, Glyn Johns mix is about as close as you can get to what the Beatles started out wanting.  It is a totally different sound.  Johns used a lot of little tricks without crossing the line of over dubbing or adding anything.  He used a lot of reverberation in his mix.  He included some banter and joking between the group before a recording started.  This version is my go to version of LET IT BE now without taking anything away from Giles Martin.  

So is LET IT BE finally fixed?  I don't think so.  Spector took the best takes that there were and just took it entirely in the opposite direction that the Beatles were aiming for.  But Giles Martin did as good of a job as possible with these Spector mixes and Glyn Johns mix of the album is very refreshing.

With this 2020 release I move LET IT BE up the chart of the Beatles albums.

Addendum:  After LET IT BE was rereleased in 2020, Peter Jackson used new technology that is able to separate sounds using artificial intelligent programs to remake the LET IT BE movie.  He took hundreds of hours of footage from the recording sessions and created a HD 8 hour long film titled "GET BACK".  His film brings out the real story of those few weeks of recording.  Yes there was some friction but it wasn't as dark as the original made it out to be.  It was good to see the four working together on each others songs and working hard to record them correctly.  If anything, it is Peter Jackson's GET BACK that finally saves LET IT BE from the disaster that was released in 1970.

THE DIFFERENCE IN TEN YEARS

I was sitting in my favorite spot in my living room this morning listening to an album that was released fifty years ago.  Steely Dan's "Can't Buy A Thrill" stared at me as the music wafted through my ears and into my head landing in the memory bank of my mind.  I first saw and heard Steely Dan perform "Do It Again" on "The Midnight Special" one Saturday night.  Donald Fagen had a distinct voice that caught my attention immediately.  It was a good song with good lyrics.  Back in the 1973 pop music was, in my mind, in the middle of the greatest decade of rock music in my lifetime.  The years 1965 to 1975 plus maybe a couple of years added to each side of that timeline took rock, country and jazz music through  a magnificent metamorphosis.  I can look back to the Top 40 of any week during that decade and my mind just whispers to me, "wow....".  As I scanned my memories from 50 years ago I started thinking what I was like 50 years ago.  Looking back 50 years ago even I wouldn't recognize myself.  I was a kid of 16 then with my whole future ahead of me.  I had yet to buy my 1967 Impala.  It was a time of transition for me from Debbie to Barbara with my last few months of freedom on that front being realized.  I had my career picked out but that was about the only thing of consequence I had accomplished.

My mind shifted to the changes my life had gone through in just the last ten years.  I thought about how I am now compared to just ten years ago.  "Just ten years ago".  During the ten years that followed 1973 I had graduated High School, married Barbara and adopted Brett.  I was in a job with a company that would see me through to my retirement.  In 1983, it still felt like I had my whole future ahead of me with a lifetime to go.  Time passes quickly though.  As I look back I can see that now and realize that life is ever changing and it doesn't stop until you take that last breath.  I am much closer to that last breath now than I was in 1973, 1983 or even 2013.

As I look back at myself in 2013 compared to today the changes are dramatic.  Brett had graduated high school 13 years before and had left Barbara and me with an empty nest.  Dutch never got over Brett not being there and go crazy wild every time Brett came walking through the door.  Dutch was only 5 years old at the time and still had his tank of energy at full.  In 2013 I would take Dutch for a weekly walk as I had Rudy before him.  I did not walk Dutch as far and as long on those walks as I had Rudy though.  Rudy had developed problems with his joints at an early age.  I did not want that to happen to Dutch.

Barbara's health was just beginning to slide on that downhill slope.  Her back was just beginning to bend forward as the fusion of her spine began.  She was able to still ride with me to Alabama to visit family but in 2013 we only ventured that direction once a year.  Mom and dad were still living in Kansas City but slowly their health was beginning to decline as well.  In three years they would relocate to Alabama to live closer to my sister.  When they moved was when my hands were full trying to take care of Barbara whose health was on a rapid decline, and dad's health was starting to fail as well.  As a family we decided that Elaine could take better care of mom and dad than I could while I was trying to take care of Barbara.  I think Barbara's last trip to Alabama was in 2014.  She made one more trip, that being to Texas for her nephew Travis' wedding.  As far as I know she never left Kansas City after that.  It was too hard on her back to even make a trip across the state to St. Louis.

We were on the last of the Saturns we would buy, Barbara driving a 2007 while I drove my precious 2006 Ion.  I think I loved that car more than any other car I had owned except maybe the 1979 Malibu that I had purchased brand new.

Barbara had returned to work and was happy with her job.  It would be the last job she held working for R. L. Stein Construction as an office manager.  In three short years, the spring f 2016, Barbara would stop working because of her health issues and begin the process of applying for Social Security Disability.  I was still working at Dit-MCO putting in my 34th year with the company.  I like to think I had attained the status of old-timer among the younger workers that brought a little respect for just staying around so long.

My health was not on the bight side in 2013 though it was much better than Barbara's.  I had two big wake up calls in 2012 and 2013.  In 2012 I had suffered my first heart attack.  It was the first sign to me that maybe I was starting to get old.  In 2013 I had my first colonoscopy where they found and removed several per-cancerous polyps.  This put me on the three year colonoscopy plan which I was thrilled about.  Since that first colonoscopy they have removed per-cancerous  with every procedure.  As you can guess, I am still on three year plan.

Ten years ago I was still fairly active though.  I broke my foot playing basketball with Brett that year and we never finished the game.  I claim the victory though since I was up on him as the time of the fracture.

The house had undergone a slight transformation.  After having carpal tunnel surgery on both my wrists, it was near impossible for me to paint the house.  Putting vinyl siding on the house became our first major improvement on the house other than a couple of new roofs over the years.  It improved the look of the house dramatically.  Barbara and I did not spend a lot of money ten years ago as we saw ourselves nearing our 6th decade of life and started trying to save a little bit for retirement.  Barbara was more concerned about our readiness for retirement than I was or so it seemed to me.  I didn't require a lot of money to keep me happy and I thought I would do very well keeping the standard of living we had then on into retirement. After mom and dad moved south, my trips to Alabama became more frequent and I depended upon Brett and our neighbors to keep an eye on Barbara due to her health.  I did not like leaving her alone with only Dutch to keep an eye on her.

I think it was around 2013 when my natural cynicism rose to a new level concerning events and life in general.  When President Obama was elected in 2008 I held out hope that he would be a good man for the job.  I even made an entry in this blog about my hope for the new administration.  By 2013, that hope had been obliterated.  My cynical side became stronger and I went int a phase of life of not trusting or believing anyone outside my own little family.  In 2013 I saw the world as a huge mess with respect being thrown out the window.  The youngsters of 2013 (under twenties) did not seem to take seriously anything.  They did not have respect for the country or the system that made this country as great as it is.  Ten years later I look back at those kids in 2013 and realize that they were not too different than I was in 1973.  Strange how that works.

Now I look at myself in 2023 compared to that person I just described.  I am calmer now than I was ten years ago.  I don't let my anger out hardly at all.  I tend to let things slide a little bit more.  I feel like I have come to accept the way the world is.  I do not understand a lot of things that go on in the world these days but things do not seem to bother me as drastically as they use to.

I am retired now after receiving a kind reminder from God that I am mortal by way of a second heart attack.  That heart attack the day before Barbara's birthday put me in the same hospital, in the same ICU just down the hall from where Barbara had died.  Those few days gave me plenty of time to think.  I thought about where I was and where my life was going.  I confirmed my thinking that life is indeed far to short.  I came to the conclusion that perhaps I had not lived my life to it's fullest.  Perhaps a little Charles Dickens crept into my thinking that I still had time, just as old Ebeneezer Scrooge had time to change a little.

I find myself in this phase of my life as entering the end game.  I am heading towards 70 now, an age I never could foresee happening.  I began my life with Barbara in the form of a first date 50 years go.  It was not always easy during those years.  There were plenty of rough times mainly because of myself.  We made it though.  During those last years with Barbara we grew closer to each other on a daily basis.

Now the nest is not only empty, my whole life feels empty at times.  The house especially feels so quiet and empty.  Dutch died last November, Brett of course is out making his way through life and Barbara has been taken to her heavenly home.

I find myself trying to learn how to live on my own by myself.  I have had to overcome my anxiety about making phone calls and still have a ways to go on that.  I have to learn how to keep up the house and keep it in order.  I have to learn to keep doctor and dentist appointments.  I have to learn to keep a healthy diet.  I have learned to keep myself busy and out of the house a day or two each week.  I have found a place to volunteer my time to helping others.

I have to learn to deal with the silence and the emptiness that I feel not only in the house, but in my heart. 

I guess the biggest change from 2013 to 2023 is that in 2013 I felt a purpose.  I was working.  I was taking care of loved ones.  I was being productive. In 2023 I am still productive.  I am still active.  I do feel that in 2023 I am being myself more than I ever had in the past.  I use to spend what seemed like every hour of everyday I was trying to do the right thing, to please somebody to do what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  I feel like the vast majority of my life was not about me but what others expected of me.  There hasn't been a lot of "Bill" in my life.  I am trying to change that.  Still though there are times that when I do take a step in that direction, I suffer consequences from people who still have those expectations and there is nothing I can do or say to change those attitudes. Even now as I contemplate whether to publish this put it out for the world to read, I have a hesitancy because of some of those factors from long ago. 

But in 2023 I also realize I am aging and as time ticks away ever so quickly I age even faster.  There are times when I feel so alone in a house that in the past I had craved to be alone in once in awhile. 

I feel like I am existing from day to day to day knowing that one day that last breath with finally come.

This writing did not take the course I was thinking it would.  I strayed a little I think.  I do think I painted a picture, albeit a sloppy picture, of how I have changed from who I was in 2013 to who I am today.  I am a work in progress still.  

I keep moving forward.

ANSWERING A QUESTION FROM BARBARA

The following are taken from real e-mails between Barbara and myself back in 2012 :

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 From Barbara Clark, March 15, 2012  10:06:40 AM

 Okay, I looked it up in all four gospels.  Only Luke (Luke 24:4) mentions two angels in shining garments.

Why would the others say one?

Barb

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Reply from Bill Clark, March 15, 2012 11:06:44 AM

well... first off the books were written YEARS after the fact.  They think John was the oldest written followed by Luke.  Even then though, they estimate John was written about 60 years or so after the fact.  Remember that game where you sit in a circle and whisper something in the person's next to you ear?  by the time you get around the circle, the whole message had changed.

Then there is the little known, or at least little publicized issue that John had with Luke.  These two did not get along at all.  John was always writing how he was Jesus' favorite.  Luke always thought that while he was trying to write down the truth, it was always "me me me" with John.  Luke knew that Peter was the favorite but John just kept on going on about how Jesus trusted him more than the others and all of that.  As a matter of fact at the crucifixion scene, you see John saying that "his fav was by his mother's side".  Luke knew perfectly well that John wasn't there.  Luke couldn't prove it of course, because he was off hiding like all the others.  Luke knew that John was off in hiding somewhere as well, but he was hiding by himself so no one could prove or disprove whether he was with Mary or not..

John started writing before Luke did.  John did not want anyone to know that he was writing the story and placing himself in the middle of absolutely everything.  Luke had a suspicion that John was writing things down and so he decided to write his own version, the correct version of what had happened.  He hired a ten year old kid to go get a copy of what John had so far.  The problem was that by the time Luke had hired the kid, John had already published and his book started to appear in storefronts throughout the Holy Land.  When the kid brought Luke a copy of John's book, Luke lost it.  John had beaten him to the punch.

This was when Luke learned of John's tremendous ego and how he had written the story to be more a "Jesus and John with their Friends" book instead of a "Jesus Story".  Luke was furious.  He knew that the book was out there and people were reading, and believing that John was this great disciple a level above the other eleven.  Luke bore down and started to write what he saw as the truth.

Unfortunately, Luke lost focus every once in a while and strayed off into a mode of proving John wrong on little things before getting back on track and writing the story the way he remembered it.  When Luke got to the resurrection scene he noticed John had said that there was only one Angel at the scene.  From the way John wrote it, the angel was either Micheal or Gabriel.  Luke, while not knowing for sure which angel it was had assumed it was Andy Messersmith, who would later become an outstanding pitcher for the Angels when they returned to play ball in the American League in 1969.  I digress, sorry.  Just a nice little side tidbit there.

When Luke read about John's account of just one angel, he decided that this would be a good place for a little of that embellishment that he had used earlier in his book to kind of stick a thorn in John's side.  He made the decision that there would have at least been two angels at such a remarkable and miraculous event.  And so he wrote the two angel part just to one up John.  He put the angels outside the tomb, kind of guarding it while John had the angle sitting inside the tomb as if he was taking the place of Jesus.  Luke that that was a little presumptuous for an angel to take the place of Jesus.

And so that is why Luke wrote of two angels while the others, Mathew and Mark, more or less just assumed John knew what he was talking about and followed his lead.  After all John had written his book before Luke so surely his memory was clearer than Luke's.

Luke fell into a small depression because it didn't seem any one was taking his book as seriously as Johns. Then an idea popped in his head.  None of the guys were writing a book about what happened AFTER the event and ascension.  He immediately took up his pen and started writing about events after Jesus had left.  He knew that this book would be a good one and possibly end up in the top five of books about life before and after Jesus.  "The Acts of the Apostles" did indeed become a best seller and because of it's title, none of the other Apostles argued with anything in the book, because The Acts had set a pretty high bar for them to live up to.

And that is why Luke wrote of two angels instead of one.

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Reply from Barbara Clark, March 15, 2012  1:15:42 PM

WOW!!!!  AREN'T YOU THE WEALTH OF INFORMATION..  THANKS... 

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Reply from Bill Clark, March 15, 2012 1:25:41 PM

 AND I AIN'T BEEN TO SEMINARY OR NOTHING LIKE THAT ...

REMEMBERING DUTCH

 I have had three dogs during my life.  All of them came to me after being married.  I have written about Milhous quite a bit, Rudy several times, and Dutch just a couple of times.  All three were named after Presidents of these United States.  Milhous named for President Nixon, Rudy for President Ford and Dutch was named for President Reagan.

Milhous was the protector.  Rudy was the athlete.  Dutch I think could best be described as the companion and caregiver.  Dutch took to his role very well.

By the time we got Dutch in 2007 Barbara had learned how to train a dog very well.  It took her no time at all to house train Dutch.  She was able to teach him little tricks younger than the other two had learned.  For those who spent a bit of time with the three of them, it would be obvious that both Milhous and Dutch were very bright while Rudy kind of lacked the self discipline to apply his intelligence. (Kind of like their individual namesakes now that I think about it).

Dutch was the most laid backed of the three.  Mailmen never bothered Dutch that much.  Friends entering the house for the first time would get maybe one bark from him then suffer the constant attention seeking that he craved so badly.  He was the kisser of the three.  He would lick your hand for as long as you could tolerate it.  He also expected to be petted more as well. That was about the only thing that he required forcefully.

He had one toy.  Actually we got him plenty of toys but only one toy was his go to.  It is a softball sized orange rubber ball that seemed to be close to his proximity at all times.  His choice of play with the ball was to walk up to you and dare you to try to take it away from him.  After you managed that feat your job was to throw it.  In the house it was down the hallway.  Outside it was across the yard.  He would always bring the ball back to you straight away and demand that it be thrown again.  When he was younger he would play this game of fetch for hours.  As he got older and tired easier, when he would bring the ball back he would walk right past you to the back door waiting to be let back in.  He would kind of look up at you as he walked by as if to say "Well, I think you have had enough for today.  Let's go in."

I don't have a lot of funny stories to relate about Dutch like I do the other two dogs.  Dutch had his little quirks and did an unexpected thing once in while but nothing that stands out in my mind.  He was a very laid back dog.  He pretended to be tough while working his way to get petted.  Our joke around the house was that if someone broke into the house while we were gone, Dutch would lay on the couch and watch letting them take anything but the couch and his ball.  It wouldn't bother him a bit.

The one thing that I did that bothered Dutch a lot was when I would talk, telling a story to whoever was over.  I tend to express myself with my hands, using them to emphasize what I am saying.  To Dutch this was playtime for him.  When my hands started moving around in gestures he would come over and jump up trying to grab my hands gently with his mouth and batting at them with his paws.  He made it very difficult for me to talk at times.  This was one of his things that always brought a smile to my face.  At Christmas he would help all of us unwrap our presents trying to get in and rip the paper with his mouth and paws.  He was so gentle, even when playing.  He never hurt anybody. 

What made Dutch so special to me, and I assume to Barb and Brett as well, was his companionship. He could always somehow know when I was getting ready to go somewhere.  I kept his leash on a hook next to the front door.  When he got the feeling I was heading out, he would walk over to his leash and just touch it with his nose, turn and look at me and nose the leash again.  If it was a short quick trip his eyes would make me take him along for the ride.  He absolutely loved riding in the car.  He would sit in the passenger seat next to me and look intensely out of the windshield.  When we got home I did not need to hold the leash to keep him from taking off.  I would simply open the car door and he would jump out and casually walk up to the front door.

Dutch served as my alarm clock until well after I retired.  I got up at 5:30 in the morning every work day and he latched onto that fact.  He knew when it was time for me to get up and moving and would come into the room and start licking my hand or sticking his nose in my face until I woke up everyday including weekends.

Dutch proved his place in the family unlike the others had.  When Barbara's body began to break down, Dutch became her constant companion.  As her health continued to deteriorate, I moved into the spare room because any movement I made while sleeping would shoot pain up through her back.  During this time Dutch sensing Barb's health stayed with her, sleeping on the floor next to her every night until 5:30 in the morning when he would walk over to wake me up.  As her health continued to decline she began sleeping on the couch in the living room.  It was closer to the floor than the bed and a lot closer to the bathroom.  Once she moved to the couch, she slept there every night for the rest of her life.  Dutch did the same.  He took up sleeping on the floor next to the couch hoping Barb's hand would fall and land on him while she slept.  

Dutch became Barbara's close companion.  He always followed her around the house and parked himself next to her whether she was sitting in her chair or laying on the couch.  He gave Barb companionship and comfort during those last few years.  He was probably the best thing for her mental health during that time.

When I came home the evening of the day that she had passed I truly believe Dutch knew that things had changed.  I sat in my chair trying to figure out what needed to be done.  Who to contact, where to go, and open up that file that contained her funeral requests.  As I sat in my chair absorbing all that had happened Dutch was laying on the floor at my feet.  Every once in a while he would sit up and look at me and I would pat his head and then he would lay down again.  That night when I went to bed, Dutch laid down next to the couch and slept there until 5:30 the next morning.  I let him sleep there.  It had been his sleep place for close to four years.  It was where he felt he was supposed to be.

Dutch continued to sleep through the night next to the couch for about six months.  Maybe he was hoping that she would return, I do not know.  He was starting to get old about that time as well and was slowing down quite a bit.  His rear joints were stiffening up on him.  He was not able to run very well when he went outside.  He was suddenly all by himself all day long while I was at work.  I think Barbara's death effected him as much as anyone.  After about six months I woke up early one morning and Dutch had slipped into my room during the night.  He slowly switched from sleeping next to the couch to sleeping next to my bed.

After that we began to get very close.  I felt closer to him than I had any other dog.  He started following me again.  We spent evenings together.  We talked to each other as I thought things out.  Well, I would talk and he would look at me knowingly to let me know I was on the right track.  He had become my companion.  My close companion.  It became clear to me that he was there for me and he brought me much of that loving comfort that he had given Barb for all those years.

Dutch continued to age.  Big dogs like Dutch usually have a lifespan of between 10 and 12 years, a little longer if lucky.  Over the past year it had become painfully clear to me that Dutch was not going to last much longer.  He began to sleep more and more.  His mobility was extremely slow and it took him great effort to lay down or to stand up.

It was when he started having problems breathing that I began to think about his quality of life.  He was not eating much, not drinking much and breathing was difficult.  It finally became apparent to me that his quality of life was not good and so I called Dr. Lyle.

Dr. Lyle had been our vet for both Rudy and Dutch.  He loved them both.  When I took Dutch into his office that day, he knew it was not going to be easy for me.  He had a good relationship with Barbara and was saddened when she passed.  He helped me make sure I was taking care of Dutch the best I could since Barbara had died.  He knew that Dutch was my only companion at home and he knew what a big loss this was going to be for me.

His diagnoses on Dutch was some kind of syndrome that large dogs often developed.  His trachea was slowly becoming paralyzed and was effecting the the way his esophagus was performing.  This was the cause of not being able to drink or eat and, of course, his breathing problem.  Dr. Lyle agreed that his quality of life was very poor and that we were doing the right thing.  I do  believe he was just as sad as I was.

Brett had come with me that day.  Brett and Dutch were best buds throughout Dutch's life.  It effected Brett every bit as much as it effected me. We both knew things would never be the same without Dutch.  We sat with Dutch as the injection took effect and took Dutch.  Both of us gave him a pat on the head and we left.

The house is totally empty now except for me.  It took me awhile to get use to Dutch not being there.  I would be sitting and look around noticing Dutch wasn't there and would find myself starting to get up to let him from the outside only to realize he wasn't outside.  He simply wasn't.

Dutch was special.  He took care of the family as much as the family took care of him.  He never caused us any trouble.  He was the best behaved dog there was.

Dutch was indeed special.  He is missed.

THE GOSPEL

 I have always been somewhat of an introvert throughout my life, especially around people I do not know very well and in social situations.  When I was young I followed the close friends that I had in these situations in interacting with people and was able to pull it off pretty well.  These few friends were easily able to act in a very normal way in groups of people and I just followed their lead in conversations and such until I felt comfortable with what I was facing in a particular moment.  My elementary school school friends, Doug, Mark and Phil allowed me to walk across these social land mines as I progressed.   During my High school years it was Ronnie, Scott and Larry as well as Debbie that filled this requirement that I had in society.  All of these friends may not have realized I was using them as a shield during these moments but I was.  They were good at being social while I was not.

After I met Barbara, she took over that role.  Barbara was as extremely outgoing as I was extremely shy, unsure of myself and very hesitant about putting myself out there for the world to see.   My whole life has been one of hiding the real me to anyone that I did not know very well, protecting myself from being judged by the world concerning my social awkwardness.  Barbara made new friends and her friends became mine.  Barbara participated in social events while I tagged along for the ride.

After Barbara died I found myself left on my own.  My social interactions were restricted to family members, both immediate and extended.  I was fairly good interacting with people that were mine and Barbara's friends, well mainly Barbara's friends that were mine my default, but even in those situations I feel like I was holding back, slipping into that shell that I hid in as a child and young adult.  I became detached from a lot of those people without Barbara to be a social buffer for me.  I simply did not, and still don't know how to interact smoothly in a social confrontation.

After Barbara passed I reconnected with an old friend of mine.  Lisa had lost her husband a few years before I lost Barbara.  We have been hanging out together and are pretty close friends.  Lisa and I are both a little gun shy when it comes to people one or the other of us do not know.  She has become a big help in my tiptoeing through those awkward situations with her friends and I helping her in situations with mine.  We compliment each other fairly well.

Lisa and I cannot be with each other all of the time though because of events going on in her life and things going on in mine so each of us still have a lot of times where we find ourselves on our own to deal with these situations. I think she is making progress while I am still stumbling through each day.

I started noticing a change in my personality over the last several months to a year concerning how I interact with people.  As most of you know I do have a severe anxiety problem that I have been working on for several years.  Now I am trying to deal with it on my own.  The change in this part of my personality is something like this.  Someone starts to talk to me and I respond.  I respond but with a little bit of anxiety thrown into the mix.  I seem to start off ok I think, but soon I notice my voice and actions becoming more animated, I start talking faster and when asked a question at this point my answer turns into this long roundabout way, throwing in facts that are not related taking a long time to say very little in a voice where I cannot control the volume, the speed or make any sense at all.  After one of these encounters I find myself back in the house thinking about what I had said and how I responded and to be totally honest, I feel embarrassed.  I feel ridiculous like I made a total fool of myself.  I end up beating myself up over it telling myself "stupid stupid stupid".

I feel like it hit a new high point of embarrassment lately.  I have decided to return to a church that has been a very important part of my life in First Baptist Grandview.  Barbara and I had left the church in the mid to late nineties because we both felt the church, and the inner politics that come with it, were heading in a complete opposite direction than where we felt a church should be headed.  Let me interject an aside here:  We were wrong to do so.  It showed we had given up on the church and instead of fighting to make changes and corrections, we ran away.  There are members of the church still there that had faith and stayed and pretty much got the church back on track,  I truly admire these people from my past.  It could not have been easy but they did it and now I am going back to a much stabler church than the one I left so many years ago.

Okay you say.  What does all of this have to do with The Gospel?  I feel like I have not given my Christian testimony on this blog which is bad considering how long the blog has existed.  My social awkwardness and my anxiety as of late has brought me to the realization of the changes going on in my mind in how I deal with talking and explaining and people looking at me like I am an out of control idiot.  I feel like I am seen as obnoxious to these people who I am meeting at the church as they try to get to know me.  So here it is.

Dr. Mike Nelson came to Grandview quite a while after Barbara and I had left.  He came to the church when it was at a critical point as far as Grandview saw the church and I believe the church had been damaged.  Not because of the immediate predecessor to Dr. Nelson, but because of the actions of some of the members.  What I have seen in that church is a healing process that has taken several years.  Dr. Nelson has put into place things that the church had lost.  He has led a tweaking of the church constitution, which is badly needed and in reality, a bit more Biblical than the one written so very long ago.  The church is growing under his pastoral leadership.

One of the things that has changed is the way in which the church takes in new members.  Back in the old days, when I became a professed Christian and church member at the ripe old age of ten or so, all a person had to do was go forward during the invitation hymn and profess their faith and belief and ask to be a member of the church.  The pastor would ask the church, more or less, "So, what do you think?  Do we accept them as a new member?" and the church would say "Sure!!" and that was that.  A new Christian and a new member of the church.  It was this approach that led to the situation that made Me and Barbara decide to leave First Grandview.

Dr. Nelson has put into place a format for membership that I feel every church should have.  The prospective member starts to attend the church and begins to be a part of it, just like the old days, but then the changes come.  Dr. Nelson has established a "New Members Class" or seminar in which you meet with other potential members in a class and Dr. Nelson leads a discussion with the group into what the church believes, how it stands on individual faith, belief and character.  After completing the class Dr. Nelson has a meeting with you individually.  He asks a lot of questions concerning your faith, the path that your life has taken over the years, and your over all testimony as to how you came to be a Christian.  During this time it also gives him a good understanding of who you are and allows him to get to know you on a personal level.  If there comes up questions in his mind as to whether there may be a problem, he takes it to other leaders in the church to discuss.  If there is a problem, you are made aware of what it might be so you can work on that part of your life.  If there are no red flags, then he presents you to the church for membership, the church knowing you have been fully vetted.  I see this as cutting off a lot of future problems that could arise down the road, as it did way back in the 90's.

This is where my anxiety kicks in. I started attending services.  Then I started attending Sunday School classes.  My new social personality slipped in and I talked, well like I described earlier.  Then I decided that I was being led back to this church so I signed up for New members class.  Oh my, I felt like my anxiety kicked into second gear when I would try to talk.  I would end up going home trying to figure out how to control my anxiety while in these situations.

Then came my individual talk with Dr. Nelson.  I felt like it was a disaster.  I talked about myself and how I had been raised in the church.  I talked about my family, my parents and my siblings and how active we were in the church.  I talked about how at 10 years old I understood what it meant to be a Christian and had been baptized.  Then cam the married years.  I told him about Barbara and all of her children's choirs she had created over the years in the churches we had attended.  I told him about how I helped Barbara by playing the piano for her kids, how that had turned into playing piano for an adult special needs class and eventually playing for the Children's Church service every week.  I spoke of my years as a deacon at the church.  My introduction to church politics and how that had been a HUGE eye opener for me as far as the church was concerned and how that eventually led me and Barb to leave First Grandview for another church.

At the end of our talk, he observed that I had mentioned the Gospel several times and wanted to know what I meant by the Gospel.  What did I think the Gospel was.  I gave a short quick answer that, in my mind, does not suffice in describing the Gospel.  I told Dr. Nelson that earlier in my life I would probably quote John 3:16 to describe the Gospel but since that time I had discovered 1st Corinthians 15.  We discussed that chapter of the Bible and then the talk was over.

Since that day I have given it a lot of thought.  What exactly IS the Gospel in my belief.  Here is my answer:

The Gospel is the Bible taken as a whole, both Old and New Testaments,  I believe that when you study The Book you can find not only God, but Jesus the Son throughout the entirety of it, again both Old and New Testaments.  The Gospel is The Word Of God, written by men who were told what to write by God.  Many people say inspired by God and I think that works as well.  It is a book that explains to us that God is The trinity, The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. It is a book on how to live life, a godly life.  It is a book on what God expects of us and a book of God's incredible love for each and every one of us.  It is a book that explains how each and everyone of us are flawed because of the fall of man in Eden and that we can never live up to God's standard.  It is a book that tells how God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to the earth to teach us and much more.  Jesus was born to a virgin, conceived to be pure and without sin by God.  Jesus was the ultimate Sacrifice to God by God to atone for our imperfections, or sins.  It is a book that gives us hope and assurance that Christ acts as our intermediary between us and God so that our sins are forgiven.  It is a book that tells how Jesus, after being Sacrificed was taken back into Heaven through the Ascension to sit on the right hand of God.   It is a book that tells of God then sending the Holy Spirit to fill our lives and helps us on our journey towards what God wants us to be.  It is a book that saves us from eternal damnation to an eternal life in the Presence of God.  It is a book that tells us that the only way to be forgiven and saved is to believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and came to earth, was sacrificed and rose from the dead to make it possible for God to forgive us of our oh so imperfect lives.

We fall short on a daily basis in God's eyes.  Many times a day.  None of us are perfect.  It is impossible.  We are human.  God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are the Trinity, Three in One.

The Gospel is the entire Bible.  Every word of it given to us by God for us. It is a Book that should be taken seriously and studied and to learn from.  To gain knowledge and wisdom.  I do not believe any man can understand the Bible totally.  There is so very much in it. 

That might sound a bit ... disorganized of an explanation, but that is how my mind works these days.

So, to me that is what The Gospel is.  It is what I believe and what I hold dear.

IMPACT ALBUMS ON MY LIFE

 I saw a video on YouTube the other day where a British man was telling what albums, or singles had "Changed My Life".  I got to thinking about that.  Can a recording of music actually change a person's life?  As far as the path that your life takes you on, all the twists and turns, I don't think so.  Maybe if you became a musician, then I suppose it could, but for most of us others, not so much.  The music I have listened to over the course of life has not had much impact on my chosen career, my choice of a mate,  where I lived, what kind of car I drive ... you get the point.  Music in my life is a side note.  A hobby, a somewhat mediocre talent, a pleasant diversion.  Some music may have had a small influence on my philosophy of life, but I rather doubt it.  Some people are book people, some are movie people and some are music people.  The majority of us are all three but with one taking more of our attention than the other two.  I most definitely am a music person.

I started browsing through the albums that I have on my computer.  This takes a little time.  Over my 66 years on this earth I have managed to collect 2,100 albums that contain approximately 28,300 songs.  This tally does not include all the vinyl albums and singles that I have not yet converted to a computer format.  To be clear, I dedicated a computer just for the storage of music.  I don't know how I ended up with so much music or even why, except for the fact that I love it.  It comes to about 31 albums a year since the day I was born.  Looking at that total makes me think I may have gone a little overboard with my hobby.  Hobby sounds better than an obsession I think.  When I browse through the collection every once in awhile I see an album and something inside of me just makes me stop.  These albums are the ones that must have a hold of something deep inside of me.  As I was starting to write this, I am ashamed to say, another CD arrived from Amazon.  To be fair, It is my third copy of this album.  With the new technology of 2020's fabulous remixes of albums that were recorded in the 60's through the 80's are being reissued that bring a freshness and a clearer sound to the originals.  I do not buy a lot of these.  If I buy a remix it usually means it is a Beatles album or one of those albums that are extra special to me.

 The album that arrived today is one of those albums that has a hold of me and has since I first heard it way back in 1985.  SCARECROW by John Mellencamp was released in the same year as the FarmAide concert that raised money to help the farmers of this great land during a period of time when many farmers were losing their farms due to economic pressures.  Mellencamp is from rural Indiana where he still resides.  It was in that rural town where he recorded the album.  I am not sure what brought me to the point of buying this recording.  I didn't watch most of FarmAide.  I had heard Mellencamp before from a couple of hit singles of his.  Perhaps it was just a timing thing.  I saw the album in the store, I knew that I liked his sound and decided to buy it.  From the first listen though, this thing had me hooked.   This album is basically a biographical album.  The lyrics tell the story of life in the midwest.  The hardships as well as the blessings of living out in the country.  It is a brutally honest album.  The sound of Mellencamp is a style that is hard to pull off in a studio.  It is a raw sound.  There isn't a lot of fancy over dubbing or polishing the sound.  It feels like a neighborhood band you would hear back in the 70's and 80s as you walked around the neighborhood in the early summer evenings.  For me personally, I can identify with every single song on this album.  The lyrics are not fancy or anything.  There isn't a lot of hidden meaning in them.  They come out and hit you in the face with the message that Mellencamp is sending to you.  Yet, I find myself quoting those lyrics from this album many times.  I am sure I have quoted this album on some Facebook posts now and again.  It is an album that sends a message to the American society that all is not sunshine and roses.  It was the beginning of his generation of musicians to bring out the awareness of problems in the world.  Every group of artists have their voice of conscience that leads them.  From Woody Guthrie, to Bob Dylan to John Mellencamp. This is a very special recording.

"Ten Records For A Penny!"  That was the ad that brought this next album into my life.  It was an ad for Columbia Record Club and an offer that my sister Elaine could not refuse.  I remember when her box of albums arrived at the house.  It was somewhere in the time frame of 1969 to 1970 I think.  She owned a little stereo with detachable speakers and one of those evil stack-able record changers that I would grow to despise.  It just did not, and still doesn't, seem right to me to drop precious vinyl records from a height of 6 inches onto each other simply because it is more convenient than getting up and changing the record by hand .... but that is another story.  The day her records came, or soon after, I remember her boyfriend at the time coming over to listen to the records with my sister.  Mom would not allow Mike to go up to Elaine's room, so she brought the stereo to the living room. They detached the speakers and Mike laid down on the living room floor with his head between the speakers.  She had picked some pretty bad records but then again she did manage to get a couple of really good ones.  One album that I heard that day caught me ear though.  People that came to know me over the years associated me with two groups.  One was The Beatles and the other was Three Dog Night.  The day I heard that album for the first time and that moment in time would haunt my mother up until still today, but her ghost wouldn't be a song from this album.  I had heard Three Dog Night a year or so earlier when one of my sisters bought the single "ONE".  I thought it was a very good song and liked it but didn't give it much more thought.  I ended up with most of each of my sisters records and I still have that 45 rpm of ONE.  But this album was different.  The album was their fourth album titled "IT AIN'T EASY".  The songs on this album range from an Elton John ballad to a couple of rockin' numbers to a country leaning song.  I think what grabbed me while listening to this album was not only the variety of songs but the incredible harmonies the three singers created.  This album also contained their first number one hit, a Randy Newman song "MAMA TOLD ME NOT TO COME".  This was the highlight of the album.  Incredible lead vocals by Cory Wells with Chuck Negron and Danny Hutton joining in on the chorus.  That song was the glue that held the whole album together into a work of art that buried itself into my head.  I would eventually buy my own copy of it and after wearing it out purchase a second one to replace it.  By the time it came out on CD I was on my third copy of the album.  I don't consider this their best album, but when I go to play a Three Dog Night recording, this is the first one I listen to.  This album is embedded in my life.  It became part of my music soul.  It began a lifelong love affair with the music of Three Dog Night.  So to my mother, the next time you hear me playing or singing "JOY TO THE WORLD" just to irritate you, thank your daughter Elaine.  This is a very special recording.

 

I have already written about this next album in a post titled "THE IMPORTANCE OF GOODBYE".  I read it just a minute ago and I do not think I can write about it any better than I have already.  It is a 2016 release by Leonard Cohen.  Here is what I wrote:

I have been haunted as of late by Leonard Cohen's last album before he passed away.  Cohen had a special following of fans, some of them didn't even know they were fans.  Cohen's songs were covered by many other artists who got a lot of airplay for their interpretation of his songs.  The most recent group to hit it big thanks to Leonard Cohen was a group called Pentatonix, who recorded Cohen's "Hallelujah" on their Christmas album last year even though the song has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.  It is kind of like a group of Christian teens who decided to sing George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" in a Youth for Christ meeting when I was young teenager.  They decided not to do it once they realized that Harrison's "Sweet Lord" was the Hare Krishna, a far cry from their Lord that they thought they were going to praise that night.   See, this is why I always say "LISTEN TO THE LYRICS PEOPLE!".  There are a lot of songs out there that actually have some philosophical meaning if you stop to actually listen to what the writer is trying to say.

Leonard Cohen's songs were like that.  His writing was usually dark and foreboding.  He seemed to always slip in some religious themes in his songs and most of the time his songs wrapped around broken or lost love, lost loved ones and the poor future of our civilization that was to come.  At the same time he was penning these dark lyrics, he was putting them to beautiful melodies.

As Cohen aged into his eighties, he set out to write a set of songs that expressed what he was feeling as he became closer to facing his own death.  The album was titled "You Want It Darker" which was also the title of the first track on the album.  His health was failing as he finished writing the songs and he recorded it a few months before he did leave this earth.  He had to sit in a chair in his apartment, which was transformed into a small sound studio, to record his final verses.  In an interview about the yet to be released album Cohen said "I am ready to die.  I am not afraid".  Cohen held a strong faith in his Jewish heritage and leaned on that faith as death neared.

I have been a Leonard Cohen fan for many years.  His dark sense of humor seemed to match mine and his pessimistic outlook in the human race seemed to mirror mine as well.  His music made an impact on me that for the most part I kept to myself.  Me and Leonard.  His was the one music I really didn't share with others.  If I could write music, I would want it to be like his.  I kept his music so much to myself, that I am not sure even my wife knew who Leonard Cohen was when I informed her in my sadness that he had died.  I spent a couple of evenings with her playing some of Cohen's tunes on YOUTUBE for her.  A few of the songs she recognized from the covers that had been recorded.  It didn't take long for her to come to appreciate the talent that this man had.

"You Want It Darker" is by far his masterpiece.  The songs are honest, spiritual and looks into the dark of night with more clarity than any songwriter I have heard.  This album has a hold on me and I listen to it often.  The words speak to me and I feel like I understand them and therefore understand Cohen.  This album was Leonard Cohen telling the world "goodbye".  I am so glad he took the time to tell us that.

This is a very special recording.

 

 

 

 My dad loved music.  He loved a variety of music.  We always watched Hee-Haw and while us kids enjoyed the skits dad enjoyed the music.  Lawrence Welk was also a favorite show of his.  As he aged he developed an appreciation of classical music.  His favorite was country music though.  He taste in country ranged from Hank, Lefty and Ernest Tubb to the country crooning of Eddy Arnold, Jim Reeves, and Jimmy Dean.  Along with those staples he absolutely loved the voice of Jim Nabors.  He would play these albums when he was in the mood and I came to appreciate them as well.  I have to put an exception to that last sentence.  I could never get into Ernest Tubb.  I tried, I sincerely did.  Barb and I even took him and mom to see Mr. Tubb do a concert.  I do believe dad was the only one who truly enjoyed that evening of music.  Dad did not buy a lot of records but one year he took me out on a quest for what to him at the time was the Holy Grail.

 

The year was 1965.  Yeah, my thought is The Beatles release of Rubber Soul but for dad it was a new album by Jimmy Dean.  Jimmy Dean had a weekly variety show on television as so many other popular recording artists had.  It was Jimmy Dean's 1965 Christmas special that lit the fire under him.  On the show Mr. Dean performed a song that was on his brand new Christmas album "Jimmy Dean's Christmas Card".  The song was "Yes, Patricia, There Is A Santa Clause".  Dad immediately fell in love with the song and thus our search began.  Little did we know  what the hunt would entail.

Here is the situation.  In 1965, the recording industry was caught in the middle of mono vs. stereo records.  All music lovers were advised not to play stereo records on a mono system.  Our family record player was a "portable" mono record player that must have weighed about 50 pounds so we had to find a mono recording of the album.

 

I do not exactly know how many stores we went to or how many miles we drove that November night.  I remember it was cold.  I also remember that it seemed like every store we stopped in they either did not have the album or they only had it in a stereo format.  I am not even sure if it was a one night trip.  It feels in my memory it could have gone on for two or three evenings.  Maybe this is where I developed the habit of going into a record store and just flipping through every album bin in the store.  It seems like something my 9 year old mind might hold onto.

 

We did eventually find a mono version of the album and we listened to it a lot that year ... and the following year .... and soon it became almost a Christmas tradition in the family to listen to it.  I learned to love that album.  Jimmy Dean had a wonderful tenor voice.  The song that dad bought the album for is a wonderful story song that Jimmy talks through instead of singing.  There was another of those speaking songs called "A Cowboy's Prayer" which is a beautiful Christmas message.  The rest of the album is classic Jimmy Dean.  I loved that album.

 

Barbara and I decided one Christmas that each year we would buy a Christmas album to build up a collection to listen to during the holidays.  I usually deferred to Barb on the selection which resulted in me having to listen to every Christmas album The Carpenters recorded.  On the positive side it also resulted in getting every Christmas album Harry Connick Jr. recorded.  So it evened out.  Then came the year I stood my ground.  I wanted to get a copy of "Jimmy Dean's Christmas Card" that year.  Barbara had never heard of it and I am not sure she was very familiar with the man's music.  I insisted though and she gave in.  It was not a great adventure to find it like I had gone on with dad all those years ago but it was special.  Barbara liked it from the start.  It became part of our Christmas collection.  Actually, I sometimes listen to it outside the holidays.  It is that good of an album.  This album is listened to every year by me.  It takes me back to the dad quest, it takes me back to Christmas season with my family.  It is a reminder of how much my dad really did love music.  This is a special recording.

 

 

 There is a scene in Peter Jackson's "Get Back" documentary on The Beatles recording the LET IT BE album in which Paul McCartney is sitting at the piano while a young man who is interested in learning piano is standing next to him.  McCartney tells the young man that the thing about the piano is that every song that ever existed resides within the keys on the piano.  He is right.  I have always loved the piano because of it's versatility in making music.  You can play bass, chords, melody, the whole song in all it's parts.  It is unlike any other instrument.

In 1964, Dr. Robert Moog introduced the electronic synthesizer to the music world.  It took electronic waves and converted them into music.  It was a monster instrument standing about 6 ft tall with a keyboard and a panel of knobs and jacks that manipulated the signals to make almost any sound you wanted.  It looked like a telephone operator's station from the 50's.  The Moog was a revolutionary instrument that has progressed through the years to be the foundation for car alarms and electronic devices of all kinds today.

A mere 5 years later in 1969 a student of the synthesizer, Walter/Wendy Carlos, put his talents to the test and brought classical music into the electronic age with his album SWITCHED ON BACH.  It won the 1969 Grammy and became a huge seller.  

It is hard to describe how this album made me feel.  It would introduce me in the future to two of my keyboard heroes, Rick Wakeman and Keith Emerson, who were masters of the genre.  The beauty of Bach's music sounded brand new, modern.  It did not sound like something written so long ago.  It brought many music lovers who had ignored classical music into appreciating classical music.  It was not the first classical album I owned but was the one I listened to most.  Well, until Carlos did a follow up double album titled SWITCHED ON BRANDENBURGS in which he recorded all six of Bach's Brandenburg concertos.  But it was SWITCHED ON BACH that had the magic. This is an album that inspires a lot of imaginations from 1969 up to today.  It is beautiful.  It is fresh.  It plays as well today as it did in 1969.  This album changed the way I look and listen to classical music.  This is a special recording.

 

It was a fall evening in 1976 when our friend Mike arrived unannounced right at dinner time.  This was not an unusual event.  Often times either Larry or Mike and sometimes both would show up when Barbara was fixing a meal.  It didn't matter what time of day it would be.  For example, we might have had a busy day we didn't have dinner until 8:30 or so, but sure enough at about 8:15 they would show up just in time for a meal.  This did not bother Barbara.  She liked them a lot and use to joke about the way it seemed that they had a food radar built into their brains.

Anyway, Mike showed up this particular evening for dinner with an album in his hand.  Mike was a good guitar player and always had his guitar with him.  He would play songs in the evenings.  It was something that was relaxing and enjoyable.  Mike preferred country rock and folk music for the most part with a little bit of the new country that was beginning to emerge.  He loved music as much as I did.

The album he brought that night was Willie Nelson's "THE SOUND IN YOUR MIND" which had been released earlier that year.  At this point in my life Willie Nelson was not on my radar at all.  Willie had been writing and recording for decades.  He never broke out into the mainstream of country music though and so being raised on dad's country, I didn't know of him.  I am sure that Mike had played some of his tunes now and then but I didn't know where the songs were coming from.  Mike would just play a song and we enjoyed it.

We put the album on my stereo and sat and listened.  It is a beautiful album.  It opens with a cover of "Lucky Old Sun", which I recognized from Ray Charles.  Willie sang it differently though.  Softer and a little more emotional than Ray had recorded, which is a difficult thing to accomplish.  It then moved into a faster song, with the rest of the album being soft, thoughtful country songs.  The album ended with a medley of of three of Willies older better known songs "Funny How Time Slips Away/Crazy/ Night Life".   Willie did a beautiful cover of the old hymn "Amazing Grace" on this album.  I fell in love with it and went out the next week to get my own copy.

This album marked a changing of my country taste from my father's country to my own.  Willie was the pioneer of a new sound of country.  This album grew into a few more Willie albums and brought me to Waylon Jennings, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard and Tompall Glaser.  These artists became the core of my country music.  I still consider it Willie's best album, and yes I am including the classic "Red Headed Stranger" that Willie had recorded the previous year before releasing this one.  Major impact on my music life.  It is, indeed, a very special recording.

 Even though I had heard jazz for most of my life I suppose through background music on television shows, that was just what it was.  Background music.  Pleasant, nice sounding and smooth.  It was my friend Ronnie who really introduced my to actually listening to jazz.  Ronnie has as wide of musical taste as I do for the most part.  He loves music just as I do as well.  Ronnie took to listening to Bob James and had a few of his albums.  It was well polished studio jazz.  He also like progressive jazz like Weather Report.  I did get my own small collection of jazz of that style and enjoyed it a lot.  I still do.  There came a day when I discovered a second style of jazz.  It was improvisational jazz that sounded like a jam session and it was just as great as the polished jazz.

One day I was in a record store at the mall while Barbara was shopping elsewhere in the mall.  This was a thing of mine that I thoroughly enjoyed.  It worked for bookstores as well.  While in a record store I would start at one spot and start thumbing through albums.  I would flip through every album by every artist.  Probably start in the rock section, work my way through the country followed by jazz albums and finally seeing if there was something in the classical section.  I could spend hours in a record store doing this.  Every once in awhile I would come across an album that I had not seen before. and I would study the cover, reading the back of the cover to see what it was about.  Many albums came into my possession in this manner.  On this day I found myself in the jazz section when I came across what is still the most listened to jazz album in my collection.  It was a simple grayish colored album with a small ink drawing of two grand pianos in the center.  Across the top of the album in simple type were written the name of the album.  "AN EVENING WITH HERBIE HANCOCK AND CHICK COREA IN CONCERT". 

Now at that point in my life I was not too keen on live albums. I had a couple of live Albums I suppose.  I know that I did have one that I do consider one of the best live albums ever.  It was Neil Diamond's HOT AUGUST NIGHT.  A concert taped over three nights in 1972 during his "Moods" tour.  Other than that a live album didn't get much of my attention.  This album was bought solely on impulse.  These two artists were piano jazz players and I love piano.  I did not have a Herbie Hancock album at the time but I did have Chick Corea's masterpiece album MY SPANISH HEART which I  loved.  This album was totally different though.

 These two masters of the keys were on stage just the two of them and the pianos during a short tour in 1978.  No backing band of any kind.  Just two beautifully sounding pianos.  They played each others compositions together but what caught my imagination was the improvisation that they played the songs with.  It was fascinating.  The core of the songs were there, but the two of them would go off in different directions, each piano complimenting the other perfectly.  It was (and is) such a beautiful recording.  When an artist improvises, a lot of the times it feels chaotic at times only to be brought back into perfect order.  It was something that I had not noticed hearing in jazz before.  I felt more at ease with the chaos of improvisation rather than the slickness of a polished studio album.

This double record album became a watermark for me.  It was this album that opened a door to other improvisational artist in the future.  Because of this album I came to appreciate and love the recordings of Charlie Parker, Miles Davis, John Coltrane and Keith Jarrett among others.  This album gave me an almost new genre of music and also brought me to appreciate live albums like never before.  I will forever hold this album near to my heart and I consider it one of the best albums I own.  I love it.  It is an excellent recording.

 I was very careful in choosing these albums.  I did not want to just talk about my favorite albums.  If I had done that some of these albums would not be pictured here.  These had to be albums that did make a change in me as far as to how I see and listen to music that goes beyond these albums.  I tried to express how each of these impacted my life and love of music.  I am not sure I succeeded in that goal.  As I was thinking about the albums that did impact my life, I knew they would be small in number.  There should be very few that truly make an impact on your life.  These albums, every one of them did make a change in my musical taste, they opened my mind to new and different things.  All of these records are a part of the music part of my being.  I love and am thankful for each and every one of the albums and the people who introduced me to them.