IN MY MIND

"I’ll be all around in the dark – I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you can look – wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses they build – I’ll be there, too."
(John Steinbeck)

"I've got nothing on my mind,
Nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
And I've got nothing to regret.
But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got,
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be
I'm not anymore."
(Don McLean)

"Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself."
(Richard Nixon)

"You can go to church and sing a hymn
You can judge me by the color of my skin
You can live a lie until you die
One thing you can't hide
Is when you're crippled inside"
(John Lennon)

"The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” ... PLASTIC!!
(George Carlin)

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."
(Declaration of Independence) 

It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well.
(Rene Descartes)

"I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes. You’d know what a drag it is to see you."
(Bob Dylan)

"When they knock you down, you not only have to get up, but you have to make it clear that you won't be knocked down a second time."

(Carl Yastrzemski)

Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves.

(Lenny Bruce)

"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be"
(Rob Thomas)

"Reading furnishes the mind only with materials of knowledge; it is thinking that makes what we read ours."
(John Locke)

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."
(Bill Hicks)

“Facts are stubborn things; and whatever may be our wishes, our inclinations, or the dictates of our passion, they cannot alter the state of facts and evidence.”
(John Adams)

"See the children of the earth
Who wake to find the table bare
See the gentry in the country
Riding off to take the air
See the jailer with his key
Who locks away all trace of sin
See the judge upon the bench
Who tries the case as best he can
See the wise and wicked ones
Who feed upon life's sacred fire
See the soldier with his gun
Who must be dead to be admired
See the man who tips the needle
See the man who buys and sells
See the man who puts the collar
On the ones who dare not tell
See the drunkard in the tavern
Stemming gold to make ends meet
See the youth in ghetto black
Condemned to life upon the street"
(Gordon Lightfoot)

"Books, in all their variety, offer the human intellect the means whereby civilization may be carried triumphantly forward."
(Winston Churchill)

"There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe nor politic nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right."
(Martin Luther King, Jr.)

"It is well known that when you do anything, unless you understand its actual circumstances, its nature and its relations to other things, you will not know the laws governing it, or know how to do it, or be able to do it well."
(Mao Tse Tung)

"I've built walls
A fortress, steep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me
I am a rock
I am an island
And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries"
(Paul Simon)

"Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done
Keep me in your heart for awhile
Sometimes when you're doing simple things around the house
Maybe you'll think of me and smile
You know I'm tied to you like the buttons on your blouse
Hold me in your thoughts, take me to your dreams
Touch me as I fall into view
When the winter comes keep the fires lit
And I will be right next to you
Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream
These wheels keep turning but they're running out of steam
Keep me in your heart for awhile"
(Warren Zevon)

Plus lots more ... maybe a "Part II" in the future.

JUST FACTS, NOT A "WOE IS ME" ENTRY

I don’t push people away …. I have got to be the most misunderstood person around.  Misunderstood or not known.  People don’t me.  Not the real me, the me that is deep inside, the me that they hurt without realizing it, the me that is taken advantage of constantly, the real me.

Sometimes, a lot of times, I just want to disappear.  I don’t like people.  I don’t like noise.  I don’t like being told what to do by ungrateful people.  I don’t like being ignored until it is convenient not to ignore me for a few minutes.

But it is ME that is at fault.  I don’t get it.  I do whatever I am asked and more.  “It is what it is”.  Things are what they are.  I didn’t see things evolving with people the way they have turned out to be.  It isn’t my fault that things are the way they are.  It isn’t my fault but I pay the price as though it were.

But I push people away.  I am there at the snap of a finger whenever anyone snaps their finger at me.  Is the fact that I really don’t ask anyone for anything mean I am pushing them away?  No.  It means I want to live and die on my own.  On my own conditions, time table, and where I want to.

“I ain’t asking nobody for nothing if I can get it on my own.  If you don’t like the way that I’m living, you just leave this long haired country boy alone.” (Charlie Daniels)  What is wrong with not enjoying getting my hair cut?  I have ALWAYS hated to get my hair cut.  Not because I want it long or am trying to make a statement, I just do not like the feeling of getting my hair cut.  It means nothing more than that.  I don’t like to shave.  Does that make me a mountain man or something because I don’t like to shave?  It simply means I do not like to shave.  Hate it.

Who am I kidding, they won’t miss me one bit.  No one will. And I don’t care if they do or not.

“From now on all my friends are gonna be strangers.  I'm all through, ever trusting anyone.  The only thing I can count on now is my fingers,  I was a fool …” (Haggard)

Is it strange that I use music to do a lot of my talking for me?  Probably is, but I don’t care.  I can relate to some of these songwriters, philosophers …. They say some pretty honest things in their songs.  Brutally honest.  So honest it makes you think … “wow .. oh man … he knows me …”  The people that seem to know me best are people that don’t know I exist, and I mean they actually don’t know I am around, not like those that know I am around but until they need something, don’t know I exist.   The people that know me best … let’s see… Hank of course, Haggard, Willie, Paul Simon, Dylan, Lennon, Seger, Chapin, Kristofferson, Kooper,  the boss, Levon Helm and Robbie Robertson,  David Gates and James Griffin,  Billy Joel to a degree, Cat Stevens, Neil Young,  McLean, Don Henly, Greg Lake, Clapton,  Jackson Browne,  Mellencamp, Leon, Zevon … list could go on forever.

This sounds like a “Woe is me..” thing.  It isn’t.  It is fact.  Pure logical fact.

The time that I feel I can be truly me, without judgment from others, when I can find that solace that I crave, is late at night by myself either reading, watching a documentary or a movie, or lying in my little bed with the earbuds on.  Most times I listen to music, but a lot of times I listen to Supreme Court Arguments, or Kevin and Mosh, or TESD.  I love documentaries and I love movies and something by Charlyne Yi or an episode of House or one of the Law and Orders.  It is sad to think that Bruce, Carlin and Hicks are gone.  They were able to use fact, logic, and tell the truth about how crazy this world, or life can be.  A lot of the things that those three said are funny on the surface, but if you really break it down to what they are saying, it is kind of sad in a way.  The truth seems to always be sad.

My grandfather.  Oscar Laclede Hill.  The closest thing to perfect as a man can be, right?  We all look up to him and his life and what we knew about him and his wisdom.  He was far from the picture that we paint of him in our memories.  He once told me that even as much as we talked, there were things in his life he was ashamed of.  Things he would never tell another human being.  There were a lot of things that I would never know about him and that was just the way it was going to be.  I often wonder about the afternoon he told me that.  Why he told me that and what some of those things could be.  I don’t have a clue, and that was how he wanted it.  Doesn’t mean he was a fake or lived a lie, he still was a very good man, but there was that part of the REAL Oscar Hill that nobody knew, or would ever know.  I wonder if his wife even knew.

As I get older, there seems to be less and less people to look up to.  When I was a young boy, I looked up to my grandfather and my dad and a host of baseball players that I knew only from watching them on the field.  They were classy men, these ball players.  Dick Green, Campy Campanaris, Carl Yastrzemski, Brooks and Frank Robison, Hank Aaron, Noland Ryan, Roger Maris, Curt Flood and Bob Gibson, Al Kaline and Bill Freehan, Rick Monday and again, the list could go on and on.  I don’t look up to sport figures anymore.  I admire their ability and talent and the way they act on the field, but over the years the reality that they are just ordinary people that has a part of them hidden away that no one knows, has come to be reality for me.

Now who do I look up to … well, my grandfather and my father.  Some those song writers mentioned earlier who had the guts to post about reality as they saw it.  I don’t look up to politicians and especially Presidents.  Everyone is hiding something.  Nobody is fully themselves.  Nobody really knows anybody.  I suppose that is one way we all get along.  Hide a lot of ourselves so people only see the best we can put out there.  Sometimes, for some of us, even the best we can put out there is pretty bad.

I’ll tell you who I look up to.  One person I look up to is Rachel Gibson.  A fine young lady who left this world far before the world was ready for her to leave.  She was brave.  She was strong.  She kept her faith. And she comforted those who she was preparing to leave behind.  I admired that young lady long before she entered into the last phase of her life here on earth.   Now I am sure that Rachel had her faults just as all of us do, she was human after all.  But her being human was surpassed by her ability to be humane.

Another person I look up to is Caleb Hill.  Caleb is my cousin’s son.  Caleb was born with Down Syndrome which is what makes Caleb even more of a person to look up to then he would have been if he had not been born with the syndrome.  Caleb is intelligent.  Caleb is caring and loving.  Caleb is honest.  Caleb looks at life with thankfulness and lives life the way life should probably be lived by all of us.  Caleb has found inner strength to bypass the syndrome as best as he can and he does a great job of it.  Honesty like Caleb’s is something all of us could strive for, but we don’t and we won’t.

I look up to my niece Kimberly Porter, her husband Shawne and two wonderful kids that they adopted from China, Joshua and Mei.  The challenges that happen on a daily basis for Kimberly and especially Mei, would wear the normal person out and have an urge to just give up.  Not Kim though.  She is unbeatable when it comes to raising her kids and helping them face each day on a day to day basis.  Shawne is just as strong as Kim and just as dedicated to those two kids.  I admire both of them.  All four of them.

There are other people out there that I could say I look up to for various reasons.  One thing they all have in common though is that there is a part of them the world will never ever see.

Okay.  Stop and re-read what I have written so I know how I got to where I am in this thing.  Took a HUGE left turn back there somewhere.

Well, it turned into a bunch of rambling.  People do not understand why I feel or think the way I do.  I don’t either.  I try to be a good person, I try to live up to the ideals I see as making a person good, but I fall short.  We all do.  We all will.   I am not a happy person.  I find less joy in life than most people and I don’t understand it.  When something bad or not so good does happen to me, it seems to affect me a lot harder than it would other people.  I don’t understand it.  I feel it.  I know it is there.  But I don’t understand it.

There are times, many times, when I just want to go to my bed and just sleep.  Sleep more, and more and more.  Just sleep so I don’t have to deal with anything or anyone. Just sleep and let time flow by without me being aware of it passing.  Forever.

POST NUMBER 300 !!!

This is the 300th time I have posted to this blog since I started it in October of 2010.  Since I have started I have received over 9,000 hits which works out to each entry being read approximately 30 times.  Personally, I don't think that is too bad, but I wish it were better.  I thought about this and it brought to mind how Paul Molitor of the Brewers must have felt like when he smacked his 3,000 major league hit.  The Brewers were in Kansas City playing the Royals and it was early September.  The season was coming to a close and once again the Royals had nothing at stake in the ballgame.  There were more empty seats then filled ones that night when Molitor passed that great milestone that only a handful of players do.  I imagine as he crossed first base and he heard the small spattering of applause that here he was at the top of his game, his 3,000 hit and there wasn't hardly anyone there to see it or appreciate it.

Don't get me wrong.  I enjoy writing and it has been good for me.  It has given me an outlet to express myself and to recall times in my life and to share them.  Posting one writing at a time and getting 30 hits per entry is pretty good.  It hasn't been easy writing 300 items though.

Since I started this blog I have introduced you to some of my Uncles and Aunts, to some cousins and to my siblings.  I have told stories about my parents and grandparents as well as my nephews and nieces.

I have shared songs that seem to speak to me with their lyrics.  Knowing that not everyone has the same taste in music as what some of the songs may be played, I included the lyrics so that who ever is reading the song can get a feel for how I feel and why this song means something to me.  Songwriters such as John Lennon, Paul Simon and Don McLean were included with many others as they expressed their feelings and experiences in song.

I have tried to give some philosophy of some of the "comedians" in my life that took the truth and showed us how ridiculous the truth can be at times.  George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Lewis Black, Lenny Bruce are but a few of these that I have grown up listening to and appreciating their special outlook on life.

I have written a few poems of my own that have been published here and a few short stories of mine.  They are a little dark, I''ll admit, but that is how I feel a lot of the time.

Through this blog I have been able to pay homage to some people that were very important to me in my life.  My father and grandfather topping the list.  I don't think Grandpa ever really knew how much of an influence he had upon me.  He taught me how to think and how to express myself in a manner that was respectful of others views.  Okay, to be honest when he would talk he would sometimes raise his voice and express concern about how the person he was talking with could ever think the way they do, because he knew that his thinking was correct.  He listened though.  He would always listen to what his opponent had to say.  That is where the respect comes in.  He would show respect to others by giving them the courtesy of listening to them even if they were wrong, which I seemed to be most of the time.  I hope my dad knows how much he has meant to me.  He taught me so many things about life.  He taught me about not giving up.  Baseball games were never over until the last out of the last inning, you don't give up because anything can happen up to that point.  Dad taught me how to take pride in my work and to always, ALWAYS do the best you can.  He also taught me that when you are employed by somebody you give them eight hours work for eight hours pay.  HE showed me that you can work through things even when the pain of working through them is too much to bear. Both he and Grandpa taught me the value of honesty.  They both taught me the value of being able to be counted on.  They taught me a man is as good as his word, and both of them lived under that rule and people could count on them.  These two men were, without a doubt the most influential people in my life out of ALL the other influential people.  I consider myself so lucky to have had them in my life.

I have shared things about my home life, both as an adult and as a child growing up.  I have shared some of my interactions with others, some good, others not so good.  I have tried, but feel I come up short, of describing who I am, How I am and why I am that way.  I have a feeling I'll be opening up a little more as I continue with this blog.

I have expressed the love I have for Kansas City, the love I have for Missouri and the love I have for this great nation that we call The United States Of America.  I have also expressed concerns I have for my city, state and country.

I have written entries and then deleted them, censoring myself or being censored by others.  I try to remember that "words mean things" and to put that into practice with every piece I write.

I have a lot of stories left to tell and a lot more thoughts to express.  These first 300 entries is only the beginning I hope.  I do appreciate all that read this little space.  It isn't very well written and certainly not the most exciting blog there is.  There isn't a lot of controversy here or a lot of excitement.  This thing is just stories of life, feelings of life, and thoughts of life.

I hope you have gotten at least a little something out of reading it as I have gotten a little something out of writing it.  I hope you stick around and read some more.  I am not use to opening myself up like I do on this blog.  It is your best chance to get to really know me.

Hopefully the next 300 entries will at least match the past 300 entries.  I promise to do my best in being open, honest and to dig a little deeper into myself to share it with those that hang around here once in a while.

Thanks for sticking with me this long.  My next goal is to get to 500 entries.  I think I can do it.

WHC

Bill Hicks - Quote 3

"Oswald couldn't have done it from that window...... unless some pigeons came by and picked him up by his feet and flew him over the motorcade... you know, there were reports of anti-Castro pigeons in a bar the night before the assassination and someone overheard them saying 'coo... coo....'"

-Bill Hicks-

Bill Hicks - Quote 2

They've proved that if you quit smoking it will prolong your life..... what they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing

Bill Hicks Quote 1

If you don't believe drugs have had a positive effect on society do me a favor.  Go home and take all your albums and cd's..... and burn them.  Because all of those musicians who made that great music that enriched and enhanced your lives.... were  REALLY high.   The Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of songs.